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My father died in 1987 so he never found out that I was a crossdresser. Over the years, as I experienced the highs and lows of being transgender I have often wondered how he would have felt had he known.
In the early years I wondered if he might have been as ashamed of me as I was of myself. Slowly, as I accepted who I am and eventually came out to my wife, I began to think maybe he wouldn’t be that upset about it, and my wife has always told me to remember that I know what he was like and what sort of person he was. He was a kind, accepting and gentle man. She always says that he would be pleased to see me being myself and being happy in who I am, but I’ve never been totally certain.
The date 11th November (11/11) has come to represent my father to my family, and to my sister’s family, because Remembrance Day, as that date is here, was always special to him. Thus when the time 11:11 appears on a clock anywhere we feel he’s with us. On our travels it’s amazing how many times we just glance at the clock in the car for the first time in ages and see 11:11. We often joke that he’s hitching a ride with us.
Last Monday, on the morning I left for my week away, on a back road the other side of one small country town, on the way to an even smaller obscure country village, I glanced at the clock and lo and behold it was 11:11. I was suddenly filled with a very strong feeling that my Dad would be fine with who I am, that he’d probably have a laugh with me about it and just tell me to be happy. Now, after all the years of anguish and fear I finally know that he would be okay – and that really fills me with peace. I feel I now have the blessing of everyone in my family and the circle of acceptance is complete. I cried for a few minutes afterwards because it was a very powerful feeling of acceptance, happiness and calm.
I no longer feel that his pride in me, the pride he so often showed when he was alive, has been tarnished because now I know he is okay with his son being a crossdresser. Perhaps one day we’ll get to talk about it somewhere.
Jane,
How wonderful you must feel! I felt a similar sense of peace at the cemetery when Cyn visited there over Memorial Day weekend. While my final destiny is yet to be determined, I feel that my parents too would have loved and accepted me whether male/female, in between, CD or TS. I introduced them to the 5th daughter they never realized they had-well-at least they never told ME if they DID suspect anything. 🙂 Congratulations and I hope to follow in your footsteps as far as being who I am regardless of what ohers might think about it.
Your humble Cynesean friend,
Cyn
2016_personal stories: CDH JS original post:
My father died in 1987 so he never found out that I was a crossdresser. Over the years, as I experienced the highs and lows of being transgender I have often wondered how he would have felt had he known.
In the early years I wondered if he might have been as ashamed of me as I was of myself. Slowly, as I accepted who I am and eventually came out to my wife, I began to think maybe he wouldn’t be that upset about it, and my wife has always told me to remember that I know what he was like and what sort of person he was. He was a kind, accepting and gentle man. She always says that he would be pleased to see me being myself and being happy in who I am, but I’ve never been totally certain.
The date 11th November (11/11) has come to represent my father to my family, and to my sister’s family, because Remembrance Day, as that date is here, was always special to him. Thus when the time 11:11 appears on a clock anywhere we feel he’s with us. On our travels it’s amazing how many times we just glance at the clock in the car for the first time in ages and see 11:11. We often joke that he’s hitching a ride with us.
Last Monday, on the morning I left for my week away, on a back road the other side of one small country town, on the way to an even smaller obscure country village, I glanced at the clock and lo and behold it was 11:11. I was suddenly filled with a very strong feeling that my Dad would be fine with who I am, that he’d probably have a laugh with me about it and just tell me to be happy. Now, after all the years of anguish and fear I finally know that he would be okay – and that really fills me with peace. I feel I now have the blessing of everyone in my family and the circle of acceptance is complete. I cried for a few minutes afterwards because it was a very powerful feeling of acceptance, happiness and calm.
I no longer feel that his pride in me, the pride he so often showed when he was alive, has been tarnished because now I know he is okay with his son being a crossdresser. Perhaps one day we’ll get to talk about it somewhere.
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