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Good evening, you bunch of wonderful humans..
I hope you’re all well and are managing to negotiate this (surprisingly more common than I’d have guessed..) wonderful, fabulous, sometimes confusing path we’re all skipping along!
I don’t think I’ve posted in these forums before, but I need to get something off my chest. Writing it down seemed like the best way, so here I am. Aren’t you all lucky! 🙂
I’m not sure what I need from you all, maybe I just need to vent. Mmmmmmm, no. I need some input from you girls. If you have thoughts on this, do feel free to stick your oar in… If not, hope it’s not a rubbish read!
Brief back-story….. I’m Chloe, 41 years of age, Scottish but have been living in London for nearly a decade now. I’ve been dressing now for 5 or 6 years, on and off (if we forget my granny once catching me wearing my mum’s clothes in the middle of the night when I was 8 or 9 years old….). I’ve been through the DRESSUP/WEIRD-OUT/PURGE IT ALL/REPEAT cycle several times, like most of us, over the years. This time I’ve realised that cycle won’t stop unless I get a grip… I’m trying to accept it all and my shoe collection now fills me with utter joy 🙂
A couple of months ago, I told my younger (by 7 years) sister about my love of dresses and girly stuff in general. Considered it for a long time before I did. It was hard. One of the most nerve wracking things I’ve ever had to do but I told her and showed her a pic or 2. I felt a load lift off my shoulders afterwards. I knew it wouldn’t bother her, but she was unexpectedly fab about it all and made clear that she was totally fine with it. We’ve got on better than ever since that which is brilliant! However…..
Turns out my little sister’s closest confidant is our aunt, my mother’s younger sister…. long story short, sister was worried about me in general (I’m a bit up and down sometimes and she frets about it as she still lives North of the border so it’s not like she can swing by for a cuppa…) and needed to get this off her chest and talk to someone about it.. Rather than exercise a little discretion, she could’ve maybe, dunno, spoken to someone we’re not bloody related to she, talks to my aunt about it, while younger cousin and uncle are in earshot. They hear everything obviously. I knew nothing about this enormous breach of trust until last week when my wee cousin/more like brother, starts poking around asking leading questions before finally telling me he knows and doesn’t care.. he did drop my sister in it and only told me he knew because he thought her opening her mouth at all was out of order…..
Guess what, me too. 🙁
I’ve been a barely contained ball of rage since I found out. I’ve spoken to her I’ve been very frank with her. She knows she’s done wrong and is genuinely apologetic about it. She’s assured me it’ll go no further. We all know that’s nonsense as the more folk who know, the less a secret is held…, but she is genuinely remorseful
i guess my question or questions, if I have one at all, are…
Forgetting whether I actually can bring myself to or not, should I just forgive her?
i feel like I’ve been ‘outed’ to half my family by her. Is that an extreme view? Am I overreacting?
i don’t want to lose my sister I’m just so damn angry about the whole thing that I’m not sure I can forgive her…
what on on earth do I do…..? Any advice appreciated, ladies…
like I said, more of a cathartic ramble than anything but thoughts are welcome 🙂
Chloe xxx
Hi Chloe
Feels better getting it off your chest!
Yes that was a major breech of trust on your sisters part. Forgive her? Yes. First she is your sister, you can change friends, work, where you live, but she will always be your sister. Second she seems genuinely apologetic. Third she is accepting of this part of you.
I have worked all my working life predominantly with females, and they find secrets, especially interesting ones hard to keep quiet about. The number of times I’ve heard ‘I probably shouldn’t be telling you this but’ and ‘have you heard about’ gossip is irresistible. Yes being your sister she should have kept her mouth shut but that cat can’t be put back in the bag.
Hopefully as your family is still up here in Scotland and you live and work in London, this revelation won’t impact on your day to day life, work, neighbours, London social life etc.
If you do meet these family members just act normal, as if it’s not a big deal. If the subject does come up it will be an opportunity for you to explain, and tell them as much as you want, or tell them in whatever way you want that it is none of their business.
Keep yer chin up.
love
A fellow Scot.
B
Hi Chloe,
Its good to have you here.
I know your angry and I don’t blame you.
However If you love your sister and you must to have shared such a deep secret, you need to forgive her.
I know its easy to blame her but you have to blame your self too in my view.
As I have learned people in general cannot keep secrets, once its out its out.
I would definitely tell her how you feel as you seem to have done, but don’t lose your sister over this.
You have been outed by her but I think she just needed someone to talk to also.
She could possibly use this site to better understand what you are going through.
Never feel like we would think your problems are a “rubbish read” as you said.
I think I speak for all the girls when I say we genuinely care for each other here and there is always someone here who can help or has some wisdom and experience that helps.
Love Patty
Hello Chole , Rhonda here . I have just read your article . I would react the same way .
I would think your sister has learnt a valuable lesson , at a terrible cost to you and would be feeling remorse at the moment . May be in the future your sister could ask each of your family individually in an indirect way what they think ? That could be a way of making amends to you .Time will heal your pain .
Manny hugs Rhonda .
Hi Chloe! This old grandma…..yes…..grandma…..can attest to this pearl of wisdom. A fact item is this…….somewhere and somewhere……someone has known about your secret! The cat is out of the bag, so. move own and fussin about the milk has spent. Spats are never made the mess is not dragging along.
How has have a sister and had fights over.
Dame Veronica
Hi Chloe;
Bobbi has the right of it, your sister’s in the wrong, but it’s done, and like the bell that can’t be un-rung, They know.
- Live life as you would like to!
- Accept that the decision was taken out of your hands and move on.
- Don’t trust your sister to keep a secret again
I hope that you realise what an ally/allies you have in your younger cousin (and possibly Uncle/Aunt). Live life and be happy and one day you may feel like thanking your sister, (but not yet).
Sorry you had to go though it this way.
-Molly
Ok first thank you for trusting us here.
Second, I wouldn’t be able to. That kind of breach is huge and I know myself pretty well I wouldn’t let my sister off the hook. I suppose eventually to keep the peace in the family I’d have to say the words but it would be a very long time if ever for me to trust like that again.
Sorry, this happened to you sister.
Hugs, Jessie
So your sister bladded and told your family. I assume you know your sister fairly well. Did you worry when you told her that she might talk? I have always wanted to share with my mom about my dressing but haven’t because well she has a big mouth and no filter. So I haven’t told her. If your sister is a person who gossips then you cant be too upset. I dont know your sister but if you told her and you knew she had a big mouth then you are partly to blame unless some part of you wanted to be outed and you didnt have the courage to do it. I know my logic is a stretch but it truly depends on the type of person your sister is. I would forgive her regardless. You dont get to pick your family but if they are true family they will be there for you when you need them. And maybe this disaster turns into a wonderful thing that allows you to open to more people who love you.
Hi Chloe !
You mentioned that she talked to your aunt because of concern for you. You are luck to have a caring sister. I have two brothers. One stopped talking to the other two of us over a decade ago. I miss having him as a brother and a friend. I would never want anyone to become distanced from a caring sibling. You have every right to be angry, just don’t stay angry. Having your secret out to family has the potential to dramatically change your life……. but there is no guarantee that your life won’t be made better by having your secret out. You now have fewer people to keep your secret from and perhaps down the road they come to accept you as you are to the point where you get to spend time with at least some of them as Chloe. You might be more careful sharing some things with your sister in the future, but I will suggest not waiting too long before making the journey to see her, giving her a hug, and having a nice meal together.
Hugs
Autumn
Hi Chloe,
Own it !
You are you and its now public knowledge and nothing has changed – just be open and honest with all the family and tell them that you have been doing this since you were 8yrs old and nothing will change about you as its aways been there !
(The song ‘This is me!’ or ‘I am what I am’ …playing in the background sort of thing)
I would expect a BIG xmas gift from your sister in compensation – but everything happened for a reason and this may be for the good.
hugs Dawn
x
Some fantastic advice from the ladies as usual!
Once the rage over the breach of trust has died down, consider the massive favour your sister has done you (and consider that she probably didn’t mean it to escape like that, and may be feeling terrible).
If this is the case, why not try to woman up, thank her for the favour, since it saves you the embarrassment of having to tell anyone yourself, and think hard about the questions people are inevitably going to ask and prepare some nice, friendly answers.
After all, it is better out than in, and if you can laugh with everyone rather than have them laugh at you, it will bring you closer.
I hope this is a useful point of view.
Love Laura
This week I had a similar betrayal of trust. A cis woman I’ve known for 4 years was in the dark even though I began to tell a few close people about Lorie. There came a point that I thought I would tell her. As I considered coming out to her, there was a part of me that knew there was a risk that she might tell someone. Which she did after I told her. She said that it was eating her up. She called a minister she knew who lived in another part of the country. That was safe. Ministers keep confidentiality.
After I told her that I’d rather be the one to tell anyone so that I could say it in my own words, she told two more people whom I knew. She said she was feeling like she had to share it with SOMEone. They were totally fine with it, she said, even enthusiastic for my journey to authenticity, which is a good thing.
I was gentle, but I told her that this is a trust that she betrayed, and this is what we fear when we share ourselves with someone.
Eventually she got it. She seemed to understand that I am vulnerable, no matter how much people are supportive. I explained that our shame is ingrained over decades, and especially in our early years when we are so impressionable and adopt our social beliefs.
She became tearful at the revelation of how painful it can be to be outed without permission.
This brings home the fact that once I tell someone, I have released it to the world in a way that I can never know if I can have any control over it from this point on. It’s important for me to own the fact that anyone that I tell might spread it into my network, and I need to be prepared for that possibility.
I need to ask myself how much I believe in myself and my gender identity or fluidity before revealing it. I need to be prepared to stand tall when someone might ask about it. I need to be able to take their questioning with poise (poise = power + peace). I need to know that I don’t have to answer every question, or respond to every comment. I have the right to question their integrity and respect.
I need to be centered in my truth before I make that tempting decision to share this juicy gossip. We are all tempted to make it all about ME. We have to remember that once someone has that juicy gossip, they can decide to make it all about THEM, as my friend did. It is so tempting.
Hi Chloe
I understand your feelings with your sister letting the cat out of the bag, This happened when my wife found out, she had to tell a few off her friends that are close to her, then a few more, then when she was out and had a few drinks some more, The thing is when you tell one person at lest ten more will find out, so i believe in this saying, lose lips sink ships, don’t hold on to it, move on, your sister loves you and take advantage of this. have fun enjoy life as it is to short not to
Chloe, it is always upsetting when someone we trust lets out something we feel we need to keep close, even for just a while longer than they think we need to. It’s your right to be upset with her for doing it, but don’t hold on to that feeling longer than you need to. It’s just not healthy for you.
I don’t think you will lose your sister, she is family and closer to you than possibly any other person in your life. Let the water’s settle so that you both can have a discussion about it, then set some basic boundaries with her about who can and cannot know until YOU are ready for them to know.
Remember, not everyone thinks before speaking, and most times it really isn’t intentional to cause damage in a relationship.
PaulaF
Hello Chole , Rhonda here again .How are you feeling now ?
I have the bones of a suggestion to make .you know your family where they live ,work ,go etc .
Go there as Chole and Make sure they notice her , and make eye contact with each other ,and do some thing that will make you rememberable .
The point is ( i think )it would give you something to use to reply with if one of your family
ever mentions the subject to you. With them having seen Chole it could help them to at least be a bit more under standing .
I hope this helps .
Many Many huggs Rhonda .
Yes, your sister was wrong, but for the right reasons, because she cares about you. Letting her know she was wrong and that you were upset by it was the right thing to do, and her admitting it was wrong and asking forgiveness was the right thing for her to do. Now the best thing is move on with life. The best part of all mof this is that everybody you mentioned is accepting of this part of you, so enjoy the freedom this brings.
Many of us would love for our “secret” to be out, but just can’t bring ourselves to tell anyone. Your sister has done that, and the genie is out of the bottle, now make your three wishes.
Can’t forgive your sister?
Hello girls.
Sorry for the lack of response to all of your lovely messages and kind advice. Life gets in the way sometimes… I had no idea so many of you would comment and try to help and I’m a bit overwhelmed. Thank you all. You’re fab 🙂
Update:
I’ve met with my sister since this happened. She was very humble and apologetic. As I mentioned, I know she must have felt like she needed to get my revelation off her chest. I really appreciate how confusing it must have been for her to deal with that, regardless of how easy she seemed about it at the time. I just wish she’d shared it with someone less familiar to me….
Meeting her was ok. We spoke. I wasn’t mean to her but I made sure she knew she’d breached my trust (she was already aware of this…) I really want things to be back to the way they were before but I just don’t think they can be. Granted, I’m not prepared to lose her over this but I just can’t be as open with her as I was, or want to be, anymore. I’ve tried. Maybe that feeling will ease with time. Who knows.
I thought I was ok with it until yesterday. I saw a Facebook pic of her with her husband, my aunt (they both know because of the big mouth episode) and my mum yesterday. They were obviously having a lovely time but it made me shudder. I just can’t envisage a situation where they’re all having a wee drink and this doesn’t come up. I was planning on going home for family Christmas but now I don’t want to at all!
I’m ok though. So that’s a plus. I’m getting on and trying not to think about it too much. My main today concern is that I’ve been invited to a belated Halloween party tomorrow…. I want to get dressed up but I’m worried it’ll be too obvious I’m not just dressed up for the night. Hahaha! It’s hard being me! 🙂
Aaaanyway. Thank you all again for your input and kind words. It means a lot, you lovely human beings.
Chlo xxxx
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