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Hi all,
not 100% sure how I’ve ended up here as I found out my husband is a cross dresser in June last year. I found a bag full of clothing wigs and shoes etc I have to admit it has been very difficult to come to terms with. I love him so very much and we have 2 young children together and have been together for 10 years. Recently I find myself struggling and full of anxiety, no idea why these feelings are just coming but I’m starting to fear I can’t stay with him but I worry about his mental health if I left. He hasn’t said anything but I just know it would break him if he thought he’d ruined our perfect little family. I have said he can dress but to let me know but he swears he won’t do it again which worries me that he will lie again. The biggest thing that upset me were hotel receipts I found all over his birthday where he went alone to dress (apparently) it hurt so bad because I was suffering with post natal depression and surging on 3 hours sleep a night and it hurt that he was busy having fun on his own with his wife struggling. I think I’m getting to deep here. I don’t know what I’m asking really, people who are cross dressers could you ever stop? He doesn’t open up to me much about it he’s a real mans man on the outside that’s why it was such a shock. I’m losing my mind here I love him deeply but the feeling in my heart isn’t good.
Hi. I really hope and pray that you and your husband will be able to open up and really communicate to each other’s. That will be the first step.
Is it possible for him to stop crossdressing? Yes. But like everything in life, it will have a price to pay. Because even when we stop the behavior (dressing up) it is unlikely that we will stop feeling the desire to do so. A lot would have to do with his motivation to crossdress. It may be a sexual fetish, an escape, a way to express part of his personality, etc. And then you may end up with a husband who may be permanently stressed out, sad to depressed, and to an extreme somebody who will drink or Worse, who will very likely start dressing again at some point.
For me, as a crossdresser, it only took me 30 years to be able to understand myself. Some may never get there. So if you ask him why, don’t be surprised if he replies that he doesn’t know. It is very likely that he doesn’t.
Sadly, as crossdressers, we become really good at secrets. We learn early on that being found out will get us anything from a beating to being humiliated.
Two final things… I would say that maybe one third of the photos shared by other crossdressers were shot at hotel rooms. Chances are that he was there by himself just so he had the privacy to dress. But yes, you should ask him about it for sure. And not that I’m defending him for being away when you were really stressing, but being a new father can also be stressing. And new dads can feel like they are being pushed away and their emotional needs are secondary now (which is the way it should be, baby comes first now, but explain that to the big baby who is feeling left alone!)
Talk to each other, heart to heart. If you thought he was good enough to marry him 10 years ago, I can almost assure you he was already crossdressing back then (and likely trying to quit!) so he is very much the same man as he was back then. So it is worth trying!
best luck
Gaby.
Hi Joy
It is very difficult to come to terms with hun. Although you may accept the dressing i know from experience the lies rock the foundation of your relationship.
Will he stop only he knows that Joy . You both need to talk openly and calmly and perhaps therapy might be the way forward.
There are other emotions that come up jealousy a feeling that your own femininity is being questioned it is a rollercoaster of emotions .
Hugs
Joy, Welcome , this is certainly the place you’ll find many of the answers you are seeking. For you it would be extremely difficult. I saw the shock from my wife as for us we were married for many years and only a short while ago that I opened up to her . The biggest concern was the mistrust I caused. Seeing her and the hurt that it caused was hard. We had many talks and through this agreements and guidelines were set and together were slowly working it out. For me I’ve only been dressing a few years as I started much later. As for letting my wife know it was difficult . She is very opened and liberal person and is respectful to others but for me it was the embarrassment. But Cdh and it’s resources helped my wife and myself understand more about our individual troubles. I learned more about myself and she with help from a wonderful group we have here exclusive for my wife where many GG girls like yourself could receive the help and support to get the answers your wanted to know. This group – private ( wives and significant others ) . For you special ladies where Cders are not allowed. Meet with them and get the support you need. Look into other forms written by others who talk about their experiences, their questions they may ask with many offering help and advice so everyone can understand better on so many confusing topic . Many face this troubling ordeal but be assured you have support and help from everyone here . Relax, get comfortable and enjoy being part of this wonderful community that really does care for all that passes through our doors. The best to you both as you venture through these new paths together . Very happy meeting you and welcome.
Stephanie 🌹
Hi Joy
We are glad you are reaching out to understand the situation. All of us here have been or still are closeted and this happens for so many reasons. You feel betrayed, and you should! I would also ask that you try to understand that fear is the greatest emotion for many of us. Fear of getting caught can mean losing ones friends and family. None of us want that!
Using my own experiences, my GF had many questions and I answered every one of them, but some with an “I don’t know.” The first one was “are you gay or bi?” Nope! I’m a straight male that has been CD for decades but only came to a fuller understanding of in the last 5 years. (I’m 61) This site, which I only recently joined, has helped me even more. Maybe you can ask him to join here also? He’s not a weirdo, he’s just a guy that enjoys wearing soft pretty clothes. Why? Read some of the articles and forums and you’ll see there is a multitude of reasons we do it.
Embarrassment, shame, and fear is what triggered his remark “I won’t do it again.” He is feeling just as unsure as you are currently. Do you really want to leave a man you’ve been with for 10 years because of the clothes he wears? You could consider joining in his desires. Help him. Take him shopping…just take small steps and keep talking about it. Go buy him some panties or something just to break the ice between the two of you. Maybe some day you will have him be that great friend that loves to go shopping with you! 🙂
Please remember, he may not want to “dress” all the time. It may just be an occasional escape he is looking for, a need to be pampered on occasion. Again, just keep talking about it. When you figure out what you’re asking, come back here and ask! We are obviously very open minded people! 🙂
I read all the replies, I just want to add my perperspective. I travel for work and always bring my wardrobe along and dress fully with no fear of being discovered. it has never really been a sex thing, just one time when I was younger.
My wife does not know and I dont know how she will be if she discovers my wardrobe.
I wear panties daily now, i wish i could tell her. I know it must be difficult, but it is for your spouse as well. The secret is out.
I recommend two books “ Living with Crossdressing” and My Husband Betty”
Don’t give up on your man, he’s still in there.
Thank you for being willing to learn, Joy.
Will the desire go away – no. Can the actions be denied- yes. Falling in love is the strongest suppressor of crossdressing. I fell in love 30 years ago and tossed all my stuff thinking I was cured. I was her focus and that attention helped take care of my needs. But then the family came along and both of our attentions went to them as intended, and so my desires returned. I tried to introduce my wife to it by 2 years in, but she was morally against it. So I hid it. Within a few years she also found my stash of hosiery and we had the discussion and it was kept to an occasional shared time. Once the kids began moving out, my desire increased and she preferred a Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. She still bounces back and forth. She also feels I am competing with her, but that is her perception. I just want to create the best illusion I can as it makes me joyful to see myself as pretty.
Most crossdressers are heterosexual – actually a higher percentage than the general population. Hard to get accurate data, but about 6% of men have crossdressed. Many get into very masculine jobs to hide or to try to deny this.
“Recently I find myself struggling and full of anxiety, no idea why these feelings are just coming” – it helps to explain your fears. They may be fear of social consequences if others around you found out he crossdresses. This is why many stay in the closet. But society is improving in some parts of the country. It may be fear that his attention and desires are the CDing and not you. But this normally began as a young child/teen and is a separate feature, not part of his love for you or sexual. If he spent that much time on golf, watching sports, a boat, etc, would you be as upset? It is not the time and resources, but you can’t talk about it with friends. But you can talk about it here.
“I have said he can dress but to let me know but he swears he won’t do it again which worries me that he will lie again.” – I think you are right that he will lie again, as the desire will not go away. If you said he can dress, then what are you willing to do to share this activity that brings him joy? If you can find a compromise that both can be part of it, then both win. Some wives prefer to control the time and level of dressing, so help them dress. Others can’t bear to see the husbands in an appearance that does match society’s standards, so may buy items but give them time to dress alone. Or set a budget and time allowance to be used.
I can understand the hurt of him choosing his dressing time when you needed him most. It was his birthday and he wanted to have this enjoyment. If you had known and bought him something to wear at a later time, when not so exhausted, that would have been good compromise to me.
Please continue to use this site to learn and share. We want people to have less fear and greater joy.
Hugs, Ellen
Hello Joy ,
most of us gurls here have had to hide our crossdressing at one time or another in our life, I certainly know I did. I commend you for coming here and seeking advice from the people who know crossdressing and it’s related issues best. I know what your husband is going through, I to am a mans man. I’m not super macho or anything like that , but nobody who is unaware of my crossdressing would ever guess. To your husband the secret is out , and he’s clearly having issues with that , issues that all of us gurls have dealt with . Like you he is also fearing the unknown, will this end his marriage, will his secret be revealed to others etc. So to handle all of this it’s easier for him to say He’ll stop and hope it never gets talked about again, yours and his little “don’t ask don’t tell policy “ but has all of us cross dressers know you never really stop . I swore I’d stop at least 3 times and purged everything I had only to return to it , because it’s who I am. Your husband has carried this fear, shame, anxiety, sometimes disgust and secrecy for probably most of his life and it’s hard to get passed that and accept who he is ..put it this way ..you can’t walk into the woods for an hour and expect to turn around and walk out in ten minutes . My advice is to seek and find good counciling , if he won’t go , go yourself . Talk to him as the caring and loving wife you are . For now take it at a pace your both comfortable with.If he knows your not judging him he may loosen up . If he had an outlet to dress he probably wouldn’t feel the need to go to Motels. He has a responsibility here to and has a father and a husband he needs to step up to the plate . It’s all not about him. You have every right to set limits and boundaries . In my first marriage It was my wife who would not talk about it . I tried to talk, printed out information for her to read all to no avail. If I kept it secret and out of sight we could manage but it wasn’t healthy and wore us both down . Only you will know if this is something you can handle.I hope you do all you can and this works out for your family . If your comfortable please Keep in touch
best
Nancee
Unfortunately cross dressing is not something that will go away. Once a cross dresser always a cross dresser. Look at it from a positive perspective. You obviously love your husband and he loves you. If you aren’t willing to see him cross dressed allow him private time to indulge his fantasies. Generally speaking cross dressers are more caring, loving and homely than most men. Also, they don’t mind dress shopping with their wives! See the glass half full not empty. He may have hidden his secret from you before but that’s due to him not wanting to embarrass himself or scare you off. Trust, honesty and openness will save the day. Good luck. Amanda x
I can’t speak for your husband, but i can say that as much as i have tired tto push my wanting to crossdress down, it’s difficult. I tried to do so out of shame, embarrassment, and that its been brought up in disputes between my spouse and i. I personally have 6 kids and am married. I would like to change how i feel about what i do. But theres something there that makes me feel “beautiful”. :\
I dont believe that leaving your husband will make a difference in his lifestyle choices. And could lead to more drastic behavior.
I’m sorry you’re having a difficult time with the discovery you’ve made and hope everything works in the favor of you, your husband, and children.
THAT MAN FORGOT TO BE A HUSBAND AND A FATHER TO HIS WIFE AND KIDS THAT IS INEXCUSABLE ALL DRESSING ASIDE.
Can I just say that? No one’s said it. It needs to be said. This isn’t something you should take to run away from life’s responsibilities with. Not cool. You still have to be a functioning human! Use it but don’t hide unless there’s like immediate pressing physical danger.
If you have a wife and kids THEY are your obligation first, until they’re out of the house on their own, their life and needs comes before yours. I’m sorry that’s how it works. Don’t be a dead beat dad. Dressing is part of my strength, this is my space when dressed up, a wellspring of goodness. This man does not understand.
Let’s be real, he’s been hiding stuff from you and the abandonment must hurt a lot. He must answer for these. Hold him 100% accountable.
With that said…
If your man is anything like me it’s literally a man in a dress just wearing what feels good. It really leaves a sour taste in my mouth though if he actually bounced when you needed it. Not cool! For me, dressing up is embracing a soft and strong caring attitude, free from worry, life in general, etc. BUT that doesn’t mean life doesn’t happen, and that I’m not responsible for my own actions.
Get counseling! No one here is gonna replace having a professional to talk to. I have one, my wife has one, and we talk and it sucks sometimes but damnit we fucking talk to each other and we haven’t always (she’s been good it’s my own stuff that’s been the block there).
No, it does not go away. It might wax and wane, but if it’s been consistent over the years then it’s actually not that big a deal.
Here’s your interview questions: Is he gay, and does he want to be a woman. How often does he dress. What clothes does he have. Where does he have them. Why does he want to dress up. What are the feelings he gets. What early memories does he have dressing up.
Here’s how you need to interview him: You’re a bored interviewer looking for a survey. You don’t care. You’re hear for him, if not mildly interested. I can tell you the biggest fear I had with my wife was her seeing me as less of a man. It’s different for everyone so like don’t assume that’s the case for him, but I was TERRIFIED to talk with my wife about it. TERRIFIED. So you gotta make sure you’re calm, cool, and collected, and he’ll open up. You start badgering him about stuff or letting your emotions take over he’ll clam right up and he may even be wearing a dress and look you in the eyes and say “I’m not in a dress”. I’ve been there. But it can get a lot better.
Talk to him!! He probably wants to run for the hills because he’s scared. Make sure to set him down, be comfortable, get him to open up, jam his grill hard about pulling a stunt like that, give him a good hug and him you love him, then ask that he set is clothes out in the open.
For what it’s worth, I’m a big guy. I work in construction, I’m an amateur martial artist. Man’s man here. It’s not a big deal, for me the abandonment is like way worse than the dresses are. Of course hiding them is a HUGE no-no but that can be addressed.
Thanks.
Thank you so much for this. It bought me to tears. Thank you for also understanding my side and why I was upset about the situation especially when I was in a low place myself. I appreciate your comments more than you know. I wish I had read this yesterday as we got into a row about it, I let me emotions get the better of me I wish I had stayed more calm and maybe he would have opened up to me. He just says he has no desires anymore to dress and I snapped, mainly because I want him to open up to me and I just worry that he will lie to me again which sadly will end up ending our marriage as I can’t handle the lies. I’m a very caring and understanding person but I won’t stand for lies when I am willing to be so open and accepting. I think he still feels the embarrassment and shame even in front of me sadly.
Of course! And thank you, I didn’t mean to do that just giving my honest opinion on the situation. There’s also a whole section of the fourm specifically geared towards spouses of cross dressers so reach out to the moderators or ambassadors and they’ll help you out. Check there first! I can only give you my perspective, not perspectives from other wives. If I can say a few more things here given what you’ve written though (I hope not out of turn)…
I think it might be really useful to say what you said to me here. That you can’t stand lies, but you want to be open and accepting. Tell him that you might say some mean things but you were just scared. You love him, you just want to know. That’s all. Sit yourself down, give him that injured deer look (you know which one), pat the empty seat next to you and say “lets talk baby” or whatever pet name you have for him. He might plop himself down with a huff but you’ll be making progress.
Okay so you guys had a row and now your husband who dressed up privately in motels as a birthday present to himself says he doesn’t have the desire to dress anymore? Right yeah and I have a bridge to sell you. I don’t mean it like that, poor guy is probably scared of his own shadow and might not be in the right frame of mind so please don’t say that. He probably said that just so you’d assume it was a one time thing and won’t ever ask or look again. Hiding this stuff is not healthy, it takes a burden on someone to hide something like this and when the weight gets unbearable then your mindset becomes unhealthy. Let him be unheathly while you work through this.
It’s okay, he’s okay, you’re okay, and you both are okay.
Show him this statement. Show this to him: Mate, I’m a 30 year old yank and I love women’s dresses. Look at my profile. I work putting up drywall. I’m a kind and patient man. I have the support of a wonderful lady, and it sounds like you do too. That is a blessing beyond the eons. Most men end up outted to coworkers and their clothes burned and their lives ruined. Some hide it for decades. NOW IS THE TIME. NOW. RIGHT NOW. You’ve got a young wife and kid, they are precious, do them right and just relax okay? You’re fine. None of what you choose to wear takes anything away from who you are. You’re normal mate, just talk to your wife she loves you! Be a good sport, chin up, and do the hard thing and talk with her. Please. There’s no need for any of this. Be honest. Let yourself fall she WILL catch you. I promise.
Or don’t show him, but you let him know another cross dresser thinks he’s a normal guy by all accounts.
It might help to tell him you’re not upset about the dressing. You’re upset he’s growing part of his identity without you and that it’s not fair to the relationship and to your children. Don’t guilt him! That’s like instant back-into-the-cave mode. Tell him you love him, that you just want to know calmly and cooly what’s up.
Again I’m going to level with you. Men have been cross dressing for hundreds of well-documented years. It’s incredibly normal but society says it’s taboo so we end up feeling like freaks of nature or something when really we’re just birds from an enormous flock with different feathers. That’s it. It’s really normal. Hiding it isn’t healthy, so it’s a shame you found this out for yourself but invite your husband into a cozy situation and ask him if he wants to talk about it. You love him, you think he’s normal, and you just want to know. Tell him you won’t yell, scream, that your marriage is fine, just that you really want to know.
I’m never a fan of lying but in some cases it can be useful. Talk about a friend you had growing up who was into wearing women’s clothes and how you though it was interesting but not weird at all. Or an uncle, or a distant cousin, basically your point is to make him feel not so alone. Men can feel so incredibly alone sometimes.
Literally the most relaxing and comfortable setting you can imagine is where you need to get him. Ask him those questions but like, you can’t stress enough that you love him and you just want to know whats up because you love him and what to support him. There’s nothing wrong with him, there’s something wrong with how he’s dealing with it. That’s all. You’re here by his side, whatever he needs. He might open up a little bit or he might not. The point is, to get him to be really totally honest, you can’t have a single flicker of judgement even expressed in your pinky.
this will be a hard conversation
I wish you the best I really do. I only just went through this the other day with my wife. She sat me down and we had a talk. That’s the only reason I’m on a soap box here shouting, this just hits real close to home. It can be done, and again I wish you the best.
Joy as someone who is a crossdresser, I have struggled with dressing for a long time. their is a lot of shame involved. its because we’re not “normal” and dang if we don’t wish we were. but their is something inside us pulling us toward dresses and skirts and pretty things. we can fight it but only for a while. and were not completely sure why we do this. ask most of us, and our stories might be extremely similar. bad father relationship/absentee father, strong relationship with mother and maybe sisters. maybe its a desire to emulate those roles, to be like those who showed us love. we don’t know and no one really is trying to find out. what we do know is that wonderful feeling of being dressed in womens clothes and the feeling of confidence and the boost of self esteem that it gives us. were not gay most of us, most want to have families and love our wives deeply, deeper than the depths of any ocean. but we also know that for the most part, what we do and by extension, what we are, is not socially acceptable. and so we hide. we lie, and sadly we steal. we do so, because we do not see any other way. but their are ways, but it requires great amounts of trust and an open line of communication. but more than anything it requires Love not matter what. He feels shame, you are confused and feel betrayed. you need to talk about these things with each other. and maybe its best to have an arbiter or counselor there to help you both work through it. but do try your hardest, because everyone deserves a chance.
First of all there nothing wrong with you. You have shown you desire to accept his identity. The most important thing you can do is have a sincere talk with him and never once mention your unhappiness. Make him feel accepted , loved, and tell him you want be a part of his most beautiful feelings. Tell him that not being around you when he is converted makes you sad because you want to love both of them. Turn that man’s man into a marshmallow. Make him show you that soft side.
Good luck!
Joy;
I’m not too sure that I have much I can add to this. Many, many good thoughts have been expressed here.
Here a few of mine. Right now, he might be totally convinced that his femme side is gone for good, as it was so tramatic and he could be very well be defensive at the thought that “she” will come back out of the closet, so to speak.
I think all of us know, that even though we don’t understand the why of it, it is something that is within us, and we cannot just cast it off, like we can our clothes.
There is a bit of bio about me here, if you’re interested, and its’ much the same as many others, and in the last few months, my Amy persona has appeared in force. Being en femme, gives me a feeling that is hard to describe, but those that have this feeling, know exactly what I mean.
The man you love, and is the father of your children, is still the man you fell in love with, only there is more to him than you first realized. All humans are complex beings, a mix of good, bad, and everything in between.
I want to make another point, and I hope it doesn’t get me into trouble here. To say that this desire we have is “harmless”, is a bit of a contradiction. It is, as we are not hurting nor abusing anyone in the pursuit of our desire. Now I did read that about him leaving you when you were going through post partum, I’m a father too, and understand the toll a birth it takes on a woman. I don’t want to comment on that, really. So you might disagree with me, that leaving you wasn’t exactly harmless either, I can see the point there, but he wasn’t out hurting others, either.
My point, and I’ve wanted to say this, but have been afraid to, is that we usually harm ourselves, by messing up our relationships, and others we love so much. So take some consolation in that. He is likely a fine man, and I understand that women often love men for what they are supposed to be. Macho, hairy, a bit rough around the edges, etc. Depends on the people, of course. Then to discover that your beautiful man, is, rather wants to be, beautiful in another more female aspect is disconcerting.
My final comments here, is to wish you both well, with all of my heart, and that you can come to some understanding in your lives, and that you both fell in love with each other for good reasons, and I hope that they are still there.
Love and hope.
Amy
Hello Joy, I’m glad you’re here, searching for support and answers.
While I do have my own unique views and feeling on your situation and the subjects you’ve broached, after reading what each girl here has shared, I was struck at how patently clear the truth is with regard to how closely each of us align on what I’ll call the “manifest center” of our activity. By that I mean the resulting energetic and emotional shifts that occur AS A RESULT OF our crossdressing behavior (of whatever degree) that then manifest in linked personality and behavioral changes. I describe emotional or energetic “shifts” simply as “a change of status” of the bulk of one’s average everyday emotional stability and outlook on life.
Additionally, I describe “personality and behavioral changes” simply as “a change of status” of the frequency of new behaviors or outlooks about life that occur (or have occurred) and can be relatable back to crossdressing.
From the bulk of the answers and comments, most of us girls touch on either how crossdressing makes us feel, or expressed a behavioral change resulting in some of positive result in our lives. Most detail (as I do myself) a feeling of inner peace or joy. Feelings, when we dress, of being closer to ourselves, and by understandable extension, we feel closer to everything in our life, by one measure or another. Personally, I have gained a greater sense of empathy, sensitivity, joy for life, and love. These “shifts” have prompted a change in my behavior, manifested in being kinder and more helpful to those I interact with. I am much more resilient when dealing with difficult situations in my life, looking more for solutions rather than to assign blame. And I have become more honest with my wife (whom I told very early on) and have once again become worthy of my word of honor.
Each of the girls here, I’m certain, can detail an unexpected positive effect, and probably at least one positive behavioral or personality change as a direct result of our dressing.
Please excuse me. I do apologize for sounding clinical in my descriptions, and the careful manner in which I draw distinctions. I do so because of the seriousness of immediate subject (your marriage and the lives of you and your family) and your honest search for answers.
I think it’s significant that the bulk of the girls here agree and can detail the same net positives that are the RESULT of their dressing. Personally, it has enriched my life and made my marriage so much stronger. I’m much nicer, more giving, generally happier and, perhaps most importantly, am more OPTIMISTIC about life than I have for long time. I engage in life now. And I love that.
I am not a mental health professional. I have little specific training in these areas. It’s solely for you to decide (and for your husband to accept) your true boundaries if you’re to share your lives together. Those boundaries then must be accounted for and respected. I’m certain the girls here understand and and agree with me on this. If I were to council you anything, I would council you to practice patience. It takes a bit of time to unwind our realities enough to simply share in relatable terms, and even more time to start to form any trustable solutions. I council you to go on that journey with him to explore and find the truth, together. Talking is good. Honesty a must. Love and positive regard certainly help. And at the end of it all, you will still be in possession of your own choices.
I wish you both true peace and happiness.
Much love,
-Syd
I’ve been a crossdresser since I was 9 off and on. There was a huge gap for about 20 years. Then I started again. I don’t think a crossdresser can ever really stop for good. Sorry to say. I flat out told my wife. She wasn’t happy. It can’t be stopped because it is part of a person’s feelings. Feeling masculine is unnoticed when you have a man’s body because it lines up. You notice it femininity whenever it doesn’t fit. To match and have some resonance you match the outside to inside. It is almost a talent to go from femme to butch. Most people don’t have that wide of range of movement. There is usually a smaller degree of that. It is not common so people are shocked by it. We are also shocked because it seems like someone trying to fool us and are a little annoyed by that. It is the opposite. We are being more true. We would be used to it after a while. I’ll bet your husband is hating that part of himself like I used to. You finding this out scared the hell out of him. Scared he’ll lose you. Please dont leave him for this. He didnt tell you becase he was embarrassed. Not to hurt you. You were hurt but I’ll bet that was not his intent. Sounds like he was trying to blow off steam in the hotel. To charge his batteries to be strong and ready to be there for you. Just my opinion. Thanks for opening up!
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