Not sure

[Bobbie1951]

i am not sure if i belong here or if i actually belong anywhere.  Let try to summarize my life and explain my issues.  Well at least a few of them.

i was raised in the southern United States in a military family by loving parents.  my childhood was pure Ozzie and Harriet!  i never had any gender questions per se but i was the odd child.  i would rather be in the kitchen with Mom than playing sports.  Oh, i played backyard football and baseball but nothing else and frankly did it more to be with my friends.  I preferred roaming the woods or even vacant lots looking at flowers, bugs and things.

i knew from an early age that all i wanted to be was a doctor.  i focused my life on that and accordingly, i became a doctor.  i found i related best to women and specialized in Ob-gyn.  my career went well until my early forties when i developed issues with walking and my hands.  i was diagnosed much later with an inherited neuromuscular disorder that has caused me to need a brace to walk and loose my right leg.  Of course this ended my medical career.

i had married and had two children but that marriage had gone to hell!  i stayed ‘for the children’ and left when they were grown.  During this time i became attracted to BDSM online and found myself comfortable in the role of a sissy, a feminized, male submissive. Later i actually fulfilled this role in real life, but only temporarily.  my Mistress of the time got religion (and gave it to me) and W/we left the lifestyle.  However, i continued to crossdress but only in secret.  I purged all of my clothing at least twice but it kept coming back.

Now as i look at myself i am returning to crossdressing and considering a return to BDSM but i am also realizing that i feel much more comfortable among women and in a female role than i ever did as a male.  As i progress in my crossdressing and begin efforts to leave my closet i find myself wanting breasts of my own and a more feminine body.

i do not know if i am truly transgender, delusional, confused or just broken.  Where do i go from here?  Any advice would be deeply appreciated.  I am not sure who i am or where i belong.

[Stacy Ann May]

Hi Bobbie,

As long as you can do it safely, I think you could probably pursue the lifestyle that would make you the happiest. There are a lot of us who feel the need to have a connection with our feminine selves, and that’s okay. I don’t think you’re broken, and if you’re, confused, that’s completely understandable. If you live in or near a big city, there might be a gender support group in your area that could also lend an ear.

All the best to you!

[Anonymous]

O say welcome to the community. I have found there are all sorts of variations. The common denominator is probably the cloths. There are Transgender people that clearly desire to be fulfilled by being who they are be it fem or masculine. There are those that have more of a “fetish” love of clothing. I started with loving panties and all sorts of lingerie. I love to underdressed all the time and am driven by unknown forces to completely transform periodically. If I did not deal with shame and fear I might just wear that cute little sundress just because it’s hot out. But finding other people that share similarities has helped a lot. I realize I harm no one not even myself. I fear only violence and ridicule, but that is a fear whether or not my panties are discovered. I fear mean people. So I am becoming more and more comfortable expressing my softer more feminine side everyday. And I do hope I am mistaken for a girl once in a while but will settle on a feminine man.

[Bobbie1951]

Erica and Stacy, thanks to both of you!  This site and the friends i have found here are one of my lifelines now.  Many mornings i wake up and wonder why i keep on.  i can never practice medicine again or deliver babies and no one seems to want my knowledge so it seems pointless.  My other lifeline is a goal to hike first the Florida Trail from the Everglades to Pensacola backpacking and then the Appalachian Trail.  It may not seem very feminine but as an amputee everybody thinks i am handicapped.  I,ll show them.  Now i have a plan to exit my closet in 2019!  Goals keep me breathing.  Thank you for your encouragement 

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