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Girls I need some reinforcement,
I was in a pub last week talking about baseball and hockey with neighbourhood friends, so I was in my maximum male persona, and the men next to us started talking about transgender issues. My ears perked up and I eavesdropped. Generally the consensus in their conversation was this – they understood that some people are transgender, and they believed human rights laws should protect trans people from discrimination, but they also thought “men who want to dress like women but don’t want gender reassignment” are freaks and they had no sympathy for male to female crossdressers at all. The word “pervert” was used several times. Instead of being brave and doing the right thing by confronting them, I remained engaged in sports talk with my friends – and I let their words hurt me.
Since then I have reflected back to the day when my younger brother caught me wearing my aunt’s “foundation garments” and stockings while I applied red lipstick to my lips. That was a rough day for me because my brother freaked out and told my parents. I was fifteen. My parents sent me to church and into the confessional the next day, and made me spend lots of time praying for forgiveness and the strength to avoid doing it again. So I grew up with lots of shame. Even later in life in my early twenties when I really explored my feminine side by dressing completely en femme and going to gay bars – I still suffered through days of self-loathing and guilt. Often after each night out. And I really led a double life – my cd freinds and my work/university friends never met each other.
Once I got married and had kids I really stopped dressing, but about two years ago, after my kids moved out, I started dressing again. I was in a drug store one day and started staring at the pantyhose on the shelf and smelling the fragrant perfume in the next aisle – and well, I returned to my true self. And for the most part – I have felt good about it. I told my wife that my desire was back, that it was strong, and that I was going to buy makeup, a dress and a pair of heels for myself. Although she indicated that she didn’t want to participate in my dressing, she said she understood and thanked me for telling her. So I have been enjoying re-exploring my feminine side for a couple of years now. There really is nothing like the feeling I get when I finish applying mascara and lipstick and look in the mirror.
I know intellectually that the anti crossdressing sentiment I heard in the pub is mean and wrong headed. I know intellectually that there is nothing wrong with my desire and that it is emotionally healthy for me to accept myself as I am. And I know that I am happier actually dressing as a woman than I am simply fantasizing about being dressed as a woman.
But somehow I still feel the guilt and self-loathing from time to time – even though I know I should not. And this is a rough week. I think it was the guilt and self-loathing that prevented me from saying anything in the pub and allowed me to feel hurt by their mean and unenlightened comments.
Anyway – I have resolved to be strong and not to give in – so today I made an appointment for a makeover in September when I get back from vacation. That is my revenge for today.
But it would be nice to hear from other girls about this. Do you struggle with guilt sometimes? If so, what are the strategies you use to overcome it?
Take Care Girls – and Stay Feminine!!
Kendra………you did the right thing. Men as single units generally don’t do what you described, neither do females. However, get 2 – 3 together and “MOB” mentality takes over and a general “Idiotic Trash Talk” begins. Just look at politicians for a good example.
Say nothing……unless you are “Supergirl” and want to take them all on. Ladies……just ignore them and walk away, proudly. Nothing deflates sails faster than no back wind (talk).
Me……..I will make comments if asked, but I am not a teacher. I am a warrior and I pick my battles, not get drawn into others issues; people who I do not care for.
Kendra…….do not think for a minute you are guilty of anything. Do not hate your-self……there are lots of others who will do that for you! They are not worth wasting a single thought upon. Only winner against the “MOB” was Jesus, in the end, but he died for it.
YOU are the only one who matters!!!!!! Do what you do….enjoy what you do……..be happy with what YOU do. We are not here to live up to others expectations…that is called slavery!
Yes…….care about those who care for you….the others…….see you around, maybe. Be all that you can be….for you…no-body else. I salute your “train of thought”.
Lady Veronica Graunwolf
Lady Veronica, what a wonderful answer. Kendra, I think the guilt and self doubt are inevitable, especially if you grew up in a conservative religion like Catholicism. We are trained from birth to accept our birth gender, and I think it will take a long time for society to accept the idea that gender is a continuum, not one or the other. As for the incident in the bar, I think that’s a no win and choosing not to respond was the right thing to do, I think. Learning to accept ourselves is one of the hardest parts of this life that chose us (not the other way around). Listen to Lady Veronica: those are words of wisdom.
oh dear Kendra, there is a lot to relate to in your post – so much rings familiar to my experience. I bet a lot of us girls know where you are.
for me , the ‘after my kids moved out, I started dressing again…’ part especially. Now that my youngest is in college, I have noticed a much stronger desire to explore my femme side. I think that we tend to fall back into that ‘father’ role and play out what we think is expected of us. With the kids on their own, it becomes a time to relax as the woman we are.
unfortunately, the guilt part of your post sounds all too familiar as well… none of this is easy, we are all fighting years of conditioning and society’s mis-conceptions, all just to try to express who we know we really are. Knowing there are girls here who ‘get us’ sure does help.
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