- This topic has 20 replies, 1 voice, and was last updated 4 years ago by
.
- Posts
Thanks for the past advice!
I’ve been here for a month, and can’t believe how much I’ve changed already, due to what I’ve learned from you. It’s given me the perspective I needed and wasn’t getting from my CD’ing partner. Thank you for that!
I met him almost 2 yrs ago, and experienced an instant connection those of us dating post-divorce know is rare. I remain head over heels in love with him, but am heartbroken to realize it’s not going to work. It’s not the CD’ing I have issues with. It’s the way he handles it, and not treating me as a partner in this.
I deserve to be a part of our relationship, I deserve to be considered, and I’d like to be made to feel special too. It’s been about what he needs; I’ve never been asked what I need. I’m so in awe of those of you who make your SO’s a priority. After all, we’re all just looking to love and be loved. Those of you who value the love you’ve found, and know that support is a two way street, have been such an inspiration to me.
I didn’t know. I believed his words. He ‘enjoyed feeling pretty’, he rarely used make up and wigs, wasn’t venturing out in public, didn’t have a ‘femme’ name, and didn’t want to ‘pass’. The only thing he ever complained about was that I didn’t ask what he wore when he went to a LGBT-friendly event. When I asked what he wanted from me in terms of support, it was to be able to talk about it. He didn’t ask for my involvement and indicated it’s a ‘sometimes’ thing for him.
We don’t communicate well, and I can be short tempered, mostly because all I know is what’s in my head, my past experiences with men, and how I interpret his ‘needing space’ when angry/hurt to be giving me the silent treatment.
We broke up for a couple of months, but (for me) it wasn’t over. We got back together a month ago, and I’ve been happy to have this new chance, as I approached it differently. I gained a new understanding and increased patience from you all. But when I went ‘half way’, he wasn’t even in sight.
This time, I found a different playing field. He’d gotten a substantial girlie tattoo on his upper thigh, was wearing polish on his toe nails, and was going out more in public. The ‘sometimes’ definitely seemed to be more ‘all the time’. So I was left wondering what it meant, both for his need to be feminine, and for us as a couple. But his words were the same.
The CD’ing became part of our regular conversations though (not the deep insightful things, but the ‘joking’ about wearing a blouse to work, or talking about underwear styles). I could accept it, even though I didn’t know how far. He is two-years post heart attack and has severe ED, so I’d even asked if he thought wearing panties in that scenario would help.
I’m not really sure what set him off this time, but it has something to do with polish on his fingernails. Note: I don’t use it myself (I actually HATE the feel of it) and it gives me the heebie jeebies to see it on almost anyone. He knows this. I’m not ready to accept that, and can only imagine it takes his gender expression up another notch. I feel badly for what HE must be going through, and it may well be the ‘pink fog’ a few of you had suggested. But I am ALSO going through it. Alone, and without support and a place to talk. Other than here.
Ultimately, I feel like I’m the unnecessary extra in this relationship, the afterthought. It’s like the woman he wants to date, and the woman who is pampered, is himself. He spent $ on a mani/pedi when he hasn’t even treated me to a date in a month!!
So, this week, while I had hoped to be spending time with him, we seem to be in a fight. Although I love him, this can’t continue. It’s breaking me more each time, as I’m sure it is him. I’m heartbroken. But, I’m also feeling much more positive than the last time due to this forum. I know I gave it my all. He didn’t reciprocate.
There have been many of you who have reached out to me and offered perspective, advice and support. I have really appreciated it! Thank you for considering the unsuccessful SO. xoxo
You said you both don’t communicate well. Your post is very well thought out and demonstrates clear concise thoughts and well described feelings. Your losing your temper is probably “in the moment” which many people, myself included, have a problem with. Sometime I just have to ask to table a discussion so I can walk away to think it all out and organize my thoughts. I find that very helpful. As far as your needs not being met all I can say is I’m sorry you are heart broken. I think most of us can relate to that. I wish you well and good luck. (((hugs)))
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Beautifully expressed Nic , sorry for your heartbreak but congratulations on you putting your needs as a priority , I hope your future encompasses happiness xx Tiff</p>
I am so sorry that things are not working out and that your partner is only willing to accept your support on his terms only and not see the support that you are willing to give and need back. I know that without my wife’s love and support in this I would not be where I am today. I wish you much success and happiness in whatever will come next for you.
Michelle
How ironic to read your post and hear your disappointment. I was just thinking this week that I wonder how preoccupied I have been with my CDing and my adjustment issues and what it all means. I think about how I’ve been consumed by it, and coming out to friends with conversations that go on for an hour – all focused on ME! It’s too easy to get my mind all wrapped up in this experience. And It’s easy for friends and those in my support circle to keep talking about me and asking questions about me. They are obviously curious, but our relationship can easily become one dimensional.
I don’t have an SO right now. I’ve been told I’m a good listener, so I hope I can do that for my next SO. I know that in the past I’ve avoided relationships that started out with a single focus. How ironic that I might create that very problem!
Lorie, you sound like an exceptional person! I think recognizing the need to focus on yourself is super, and to have those long talks with people close to you is very important.
I think for me too, this experience was a time for learning and growing. It just wasn’t the right guy, or time for me. I’m thrilled with what I got from this month alone though.
Hi Nic,
So sorry for all you are going through. I would say the hard truth is, you need to move on for your own health and well being.
You gave it your all and it appears obvious he needed someone he could come out to, to get that “okay” and once he did, he’s ready to get out there like he’s probably always wanted to do.
Trying anymore would only lead to more heartache for you, he got what he wanted or needed, in a not so nice way. He may or may not have done so consciously, but he did.
Pick yourself up, you are a good if not great woman. You put someone else before yourself, and now its time to pay yourself back.
Be good to yourself.
Luck and Love,
Rebekka
Exactly what I realized too Rebekka. Sometimes people are either ‘not that into you’, or too selfish to be a partner. That’s ok. It would have been great if he had actually been able to break up with me, rather than give the ghosting silent treatment after a two-year relationship, but that’s for him to sort out.
Neither you nor I know him, and both of us can only guess at what’s happening with him or his motivation for acting this way. He’s not the man, or woman, I thought him to be. What is obvious to anyone and everyone is that it’s over. But I’ve learned so much from him, and can never regret that.
I already know I’ll be fine, but thank you for your kind words.
I’m so sorry to hear how your situation that has been developing and you not being able to flourish through all this. It’s always been said true values in any relationship is based on the abilities to communicate. Knowing how to compromise and to respect each other’s opinions and personal concerns affecting themselves as a person with their individual wants and needs and as a couple always working on compromises . . Your a wonderful person and I do feel for you. To reach out as you have only to be silence for trying to open your heart is a very difficult task . I hope you find strength moving forward. We’re all here and always will be here to listen and comfort when you ever need friend. Big hugs…
Stephanie 💖
Thank you Stephanie. I really appreciate all you’ve done to support me.
I have good hours, and bad hours. When I posted this, I was frustrated with the fact that he’d given me the silent treatment for days for something he only FELT I had done (not something I’d even actually done). I’d tried to call him at the time, after stating I was sad about the finger nail surprise, because I had about 4 questions/concerns to talk through. But he wouldn’t even take my call. That’s not a mature ‘partner’ response in my world, and it frustrates me.
That’s not cross dressing, is it? It’s disinterest, and him looking for a way out. Again. It only dawned on me recently that he actually broke up with me, without having to say the words. Just withdrew. And I realized that this month, he never actually showed he wanted to be with me, and had a very negative view of who I was and what I must mean when I tried to show him my perspective. I’ve been trying to find a way to communicate. Why didn’t I notice he wasn’t interested?
All we all want is to surround ourselves with people who like us and want to be around us. Which is why so many of the posts here have resonated with me, while I was trying to build a relationship with him. Now I want to make room in my life for those people- myself, my family and my friends.
Honestly, I’m gutted. As so many of you know, I came on here to learn. I wanted to be able to be there to support him through whatever journey he’s going through. I just hoped to be supported myself, as the cd’ing makes me understandably so confused and insecure. You all gave me the strength to expect that, and know I deserve it.
I wish I had never posted this, as it serves as a reminder of how much I wasn’t loved. But it’s my sincere thanks to this community.
Nic;
I just wanted to add my voice to Stephanie’s. Preciously few SO are fully supportive and to be a CD and discard an SO who is trying to be supportive just leaves me feeling so bad for you. I’m really sorry that this relationship has not gone well for you and wish nothing but the best for you going forward.
I’d also like to say, (as a CD with a wonderful SO), that the effort and approach you’ve taken with research and attempts to support this man are significant and speak to you being a person who is very worthwhile, I’m sure this is going to serve you well; We often discover too late in life that the measure of a person is how they affect the people around them, and there’s no doubt that you will make the lives of the people you care for simply better.
I suspect you wont have much need to be on this site going forward, but thank-you just for being you and showing us that there are people like you out there. Of course you’ll always be welcome to come and chat anyway.
Hugs and warmest wishes
-Molly
Thank you so much Molly. That was beautiful and so kind. I’m definitely not perfect and haven’t always reacted perfectly. But I’m a work in progress. 🙂
Hi Nic
Whilst I am sorry it did not work out for you, in the end you have come to the right decision, and it’s a decision only you could have taken. It’s hard when a relationship is a bit one sided, when you feel like you’re always the one who gives but gets little in return. I do wish you the very best for the future, you will find someone out there that will love and appreciate a wonderful woman such as you. All you have to do is find him! Good luck on your quest and remember all the lovely girls here at CDH!
Hi Nic, I am so sorry about your marriage It sounds like you have been very understanding and trying to save your marriage.
I must say this pink fog as the term as been coined can be overwhelming to us.
Its like years of frustration of being denied something we need so bad starts coming out like a dam busting slowly.
Unfortunately we C/D ers can become consumed and forget about our spouses needs.
I for one am guilty and I am trying to balance my wife needs with my own.
Sometimes we get angry at all the limitations our society applies and that has been focused at my spouse at times.
nothing serious but it gets focused towards her limitations she imposes on me I guess.
Any way you hold your head up high you have done what any body could expect.
Thank you for sharing and our prayers are with you.
Unfortunately your spouse seems to be losing a great person.
Love Patty
Hi Nicky,
I don’t see any recent activity on your wall so I guess I have to assume you left CDH. I’ll write this hoping I’m wrong. For some reason this post you made just seemed to randomly show up on my phone screen while I was navigating through CDH. I reread your post and all responses thinking maybe this showed up for a reason……
Anyways, after rereading I started to think if you took cross dressing completely out of the equation, I think it becomes obvious that he just wasn’t treating you right and you were fighting the good fight. I know that’s an over simplification on some levels bit I feel it’s apt.
As for the root cause…..
He spent years pretending to be someone he wasn’t. As long as he was THAT person, your relationship worked for him. Once he was “out” or more specifically once his deeper repressed base personality was “out” the relationship wasn’t going to fit anymore because the repressed personality didn’t see the world the same way.
As someone who has only just realized that I have a deep repressed side I can tell you that his previous personality wasn’t an act. It was learned. When a boy desires girly things he either learns to be more boyish or in some cases there is hell to pay. At least that’s how it was for me. I think maybe for him too. Keeping desires to oneself because of fear of the reaction of those around you can be a survival tactic. Not necessarily a deception, or at least not a lightly entered into intentional deception. Not a justification for his bad behavior or his apparent inability to handle the fall out like an adult. Just an insight.
All in all I must say that there are many “ladies” in the world who wish they had someone like you on their side. You weren’t unsuccessful. Not at all.
I wish you the best
-HugsHi Nic
I have read a lot of the replies and your comments, you clearly are an exceptional person, it’s a shame your partner is too concerned about himself to think of you and show you the respect you clearly deserve. Finding a partner in this life is hard for most people, finding one when you are a crossdresser is very hard, even if at the time of meeting your potential partner you have not come to accept yourself. Most of the girls would be very grateful for a partner like you, one that is willing to listen and learn, your partner will only know what he has lost when you have long gone. Most people in this world deserve to be treated with respect, unfortunately your partner clearly has yet to learn that most fundamental part of human interaction. Your partner may have not shown you the respect you deserve, but I can say without a doubt you have earned the respect of a lot of us girls here. I wish you the very best for the future, find yourself a decent partner who loves you for the lovely person you clearly are, and have a fabulous life!!
I read this and saw myself! I feel pretty much in the same boat. He says one thing and does another. He and his wants/needs/desires are what is important. “I love you so much”…..as long as he is getting to do whatever he wants! My feelings don’t count. I need to do this for him or be more like that for him…what about the things he should be for me? Oh yea that right…it is all about him! 😭
I think a lot of guys who crossdress want to find that woman who would be accepting of that. Still, I think once a CD meets that girl, fears and emotions kick in. Inside, a man is told what he is doing is wrong, it’s freakish and taboo, but still he loves it. He fells he should be doing this in private but now he is out. He panic and puts up a wall. That woman he was hoping to meet he is now pushing away. He is ashamed of what he is doing and doesn’t feel like a man, but he loves impersonating a woman. It’s a mixed up mess of emotions.
When I began dressing fully fem, I met several girls who enjoyed my look. They were intrigued by it. After a couple of years I met my wife. When I dressed for her she was surprised at how pretty and sexy I was. I ended up becoming her girlfriend and boyfriend. She used to encourage me to go out as Patty wit her. It happened for me and others I know. It’s just getting through the fear, reservations and doing something wrong and freaky.
Maybe working the “let’s be girlfriends too” angle might work. Good luck.
Rebekka,
I just read your response to this post and I think you hit a cord with me. Maybe that is exactly what is happening in my situation. Though he tells me how much he lives me and wants me, I don’t feel like that is the case. We have been through so much during our relationship/marriage and I seem to have to carry the load and be the strong one always and support him and get him through whatever he is going through. As I read your post, I though, when has he ever stood strong for me and when has he ever pulled me through whatever situation I was feeling or going through. Never. I have always had to pull myself through it and find my own solutions. Maybe I am just here until he decides to go full transition. Maybe I am just the rock he needs to get where he wants to go. He often pushes me to areas I am not comfortable in. Quite aware, he still pushes and pushes. Maybe he thinks he can push me to the point I walk out and then it will all be on me. Mean while he gets to try everything out around me for as long as he can because he knows how much I love him and will deal with a lot before I cave. 🤔
KellyLove ❣️
- The forum ‘Relationship Advice’ is closed to new topics and replies.
Recent Comments