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Hey Everyone,
Just came through a difficult period, diagnosed with a mental illness following a self destructive episode. I’m much better now but got rid of most of my possessions in the psychosis episode. All of my girl clothes, makeup, shoes etc didn’t survive. they got purged / given away.
For a time I thought it was for the best … time to be a ‘Man’ again, no more body shaving etc. I mourned the loss at the time and thought I was ‘over it’ once again. Now that I’m mentally stable again, the desire to dress has returned. I felt conflicted … was my previous dressing part of my unrealized mental illness? Afterall, I had bought TONS of clothes for years and not really worn them. Was more addicted to the novelty of buying but more to talking openly with the sales girls and letting myself be known and supported.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want that again. longing to be understood and accepted. The thoughts entering my mind now are to buy something practical that I’d actually wear daily, even if underdressing. I’ve battled with this voice in my head that doesn’t want to let me do this. It’s not shame anymore or guilt but some feeling of restraint … holding out for something better … I dunno.
All I know is, there’s something within me that wants to come out and be known, be honest with the world, be seen. The thought of being able to wear something feminine all day gives me thoughts of elation, excitement and a deep satisfaction off somehow living as the ‘whole me’ even in a small way.
There was a day or 2 in the summer where I seemed to let myself wear a bralette under my clothes for the day and it was W O N D E R F U L …. I didn’t want to take it off
I don’t know why I’m conflicted … I’ve imagined before wading into a pool of glowing opaque water, letting my body dissolve, becoming part of it … ceasing to exist as a separate being and then becoming one with the source of all life, rising from the water in spirit form, flying away to touch and see others helping them to be whole..
I must go now, thank you for listening if you’ve made it this far.
Kristy,
A feeling of conflict exists in many of us. I think it’s because society has expectations of us based on the box checked at the time of our birth versus how we perceive ourselves at points in our life, be they interspersed or for some of us connected until they become a constant line.
I’m no mental health expert and can’t offer an opinion as to whether that conflict contributes to or causes a physical injury to our mind and soul. I presume you are getting help. I would suggest, if you haven’t already done so, confiding in your mental health professional and being completely open about your urges to crossdress.
I wish you the best and simply offer my care and understanding. I will take the liberty to say that all of us here are willing to give you a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen anytime you want to reach out.
It seems whenever any one of us struggles, we all hurt and want to help.
Much love,
Raquel
I’m not sure I have words of advice, Kristy except to say stay strong and listen to your heart, not your mind
Gosh, I to, as well as most of our sisters here have gone through the purging and self doubts you are feeling. That “itch”, as you called it is something I’m ALWAY scratching.
I believe this female part of us here, and the whole for some, is an authentic part of us. It’s something that must be honored is we are truly to live a pain free life and find joy.
I wish you all the best!
Hugs
Jules
🥰🌈👩Hi Kristy
I can only say as the other girls have, that conflict resides in all of us, to some degree or other, and while you say it is not the guilt, now, I do believe it is somewhat due to us being told all our lives, this is how you should dress if you are born with appendages, such as we have.
I too am no health professional, but I think we need to just learn to forget, what we have been told for so many years, and dress whether under or over, as how we feel.
I also hope you are confiding these thoughts with your mental health team, or practitioner, admitting it to ourselves is step one, then to another is step two.
We are all here for you, in any way we can help.
Hugs,Regi👸💖Thanks everyone for your kind words, it really helps to not feel alone. I’m happy to report I did some shopping yesterday (albeit restrained, not over indulgent). This time it felt different … had to ask myself what is Practical for me to wear at this time? and what would I be willing to wear in public right now, walking out of the store? That had me put back the sexy dresses and fancy bras. Instead I picked up a nice low key sweater and simple bra and panties to match.
I plan on wearing these in public because it reflects my comfort level now … not wanting to draw attention to myself but not wanting to look/wear 100% male clothing at this time. Prior to this, I bought anything that caught me eye and looked pretty and it all just sat in drawers and my closet. Ironically I was trapped in a way .. thinking how am I ever going to be ME out in the world wearing this stuff? I’d set the bar too high with all the fancy stuff I’d bought.
Going forward I know now I need to do what is practical / attainable first in terms of dress & appearance and go from there. Eventually I want to present as a woman in public and been seen / engaged with that way. I had it all backwards before, haha … the massive cart of clothes before the horse that will lead me to a new town..
Thanks again CDH for being here, I’ve forgotten how much I do still need this great place!
~K
Hi Kristy. I, yes most all of us here, know the “itch” you are describing.
It would be wonderful if it were the proverbial “7 year itch”, but alas for me it has been 61years worth of itch. For 48 years that “itch” has been set in the context of being a born again fundamental Bible believing Christian. May I say that context creates its own complexities in which scratching that itch [living our femme essence] is made more difficult.
48 years has finally brought me to the understanding that the itch is not going away nor do I expect God [at least in my case] to take it away. It can be ignored and denied, but not for long.
[My] long story short. I have come to understand and be at peace with the fact that I am a trans woman (yes even as a born again Christian). My resonsibility is not to run away from either who I am as a person or who I am in my faith. I embrace my trans nature now, . . . and take on the challenge of managing my male \ femme essence nature so that I can live successfully . . . in all aspect of the life given me.
Hope this helps
Kindly,
Charlene
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