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I posted this story about my relationship with my wife who I love very much as a comment under Betty and Brina’s latest article but thought I’d like to share it here as well and add an update. Here is the story with a few changes so it makes sense here:
Recently, my wife stated she wanted me to be happy and asked if there was anything special I wanted for Valentine’s day. She seemed very sincere so I told her I wanted to attend a CD mixer that is in our area on Feb 11. I have never been out of the house as Michelle but a mixer like this would be a relatively low risk way to do so. Boy did I read the room wrong. She got very angry with me and by the time the conversation was over I was in tears and wished I had never made the ask since I hate causing my wife pain and distress. Things were very cold between us for a couple of days. She then offered, as a compromise, to occasionally let me dress in front of her in the house but no wig or makeup. She didn’t know if she could handle it but she was willing to try. This should have made me feel great but knowing how much she hates to see me dressed, I couldn’t picture myself being comfortable in that situation. My body language gave away my thoughts and she was disappointed that I didn’t have a more positive reaction to what was a huge effort on her part to try to make me happy.
I just recently discovered what makeup can do and I have bought a basic set of products and a wig so I could practice. I countered that if she didn’t want me dressed out if the house I would be OK just dressing in private with wig and makeup. I don’t get a lot of private time so this didn’t seem to be a big deal to me. She was not ok with me in makeup even in private. That seemed unreasonable to me and especially troublesome since I already bought the products. I plan to revisit this with her since I am determined to develop some makeup skill and I’d rather not do it behind her back now that she has stated her opposition.
Here is the update to the story. We talked again about my private time and after thinking it over she agreed that I should be able to dress as I like when I’m alone in the house. This was a huge relief for me since I dd not want to feel like I was betraying her by practicing makeup skills over her objections. As painful as the last conversation was, this one was incredibly loving and affirming.
I got some private time today to practice and posted a picture of the result.
My wife and I have been married for well over 50 years and love each other very much but after all this time we are still trying to figure this all out. I share this story to illustrate how difficult it is for both for the crossdresser and his wife to navigate these waters and how much love it takes to keep the ship afloat and headed in the right direction. But of course I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know
I can understand your frustrations Michelle. The nice thing is that your wife is trying and that you are also doing your best to balance your own frustrations strike an accord. By telling her your wish to go to a mixer meeting presented an angle that she hadn’t seen coming or a fear that she would lose you. It is a lot to take in for her but she now knows what your ambitions are and perhaps she will try to process it over time. The thing is that you love her dearly, that is a reassurance that she needs to know and you will always be there for her.
Hi Michelle. I love your story, since it has such a happy ending. Thank you for sharing it. Maybe you can do something special for your wife for Valentine’s Day, since you’ve now reached a good compromise.
I know you are looking for advice, but I haven’t been in your situation, so all I can do is add my support for you and your wife.
Coincidence? Last night my wife and I had our first TWO sided discussion. She listened to me for a time and then we came to a subject that she had a definite opinion on. It was great to finally talk about my other persona, even as it was crossdressing in general. It was civil and not heated. FINALLY a small progress of dialogue. Hope springs eternal for the 54 year newly weds.
Hi Lorraine,
Very happy to hear you had a good conversation with your wife.. I know the more my wife and I talk the better the understanding for both of us but those conversations are scary and sometimes painful.
Thanks for sharing,
Michelle
Update, had another long discussion with SO last night. Once again civil not heated. This is progress. Now, try to get her mind changed. She just doesn’t understand why only men crossdress, doesn’t acknowledge women do all the time, because they don’t WANT to look like men, but men WANT to look like women. She doesn’t understand we we want to go out and be chastised and ridiculed. I have my work cut out.
Civil chats are progress. It is not surprising she doesn’t understand all of this. Many of us still don’t and some have been doing this for decades. Time and open dialog will likely help. I simply told my wife that I don’t really know why I like to do this, but I like it, it brings me pleasure and she can understand that to a degree and can accept it.
This might help her understand, or at least resolve some fears.
https://allaboutcd.com/10-misconceptions-about-crossdressers/
She made a special request that you have trouble with, just as you made a special request that she had trouble with. You discussed it, with some trauma, and reached a tentative compromise. It all sounds pretty reasonably to me. Use it as a point for further discussion and exploration. Take your time and let her adjust, as you must adjust to her needs and emotions.
I can easily understand a wife who doesn’t want to see her man dressed, let alone in a wig and make up. I also understand what an important part of our life dressing can be, so the best option is to be open and honest and slowly (the operative word here is “slowly”), allow both parties to adjust. Many here would be content with DADT scenario, at least they don’t have to sneak about. Others get to dress to some extent in front of their spouse with varying degrees of acceptance or participation. We just have to work with our spouses to find what works best for both.
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