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My name is Mandygirl 35. I am a very closeted CD with a wife who would certainly divorce me if she knew (we’re on shaky ground right now anyhow). I don’t get to dress as much as like since I don’t have a lot of female clothes and with two kids around it’s not easy.
I would like to hear from others in my spot. I am 50 so I know I’d never be passable and go out in public but I enjoy it when I am by myself but I also feel it’s not enough.
I wish there was some easy advice I could share with you Amanda. I was in what sounds like an identical situation around 15 years ago. I was married to my best friend, my lifelong partner that shared everything in my life with me… except for the deepest secret that I carried. Our marriage was also on shaky ground at the time, but I didn’t see it. I also didn’t realize that my secret life was underlying the shakiness of the marriage.
I had been a CD all my life, but at the time of my marriage, at age 22… I thought that the femme feelings would go away, that being married I would outgrow them or at least have the will power to resist and repress them. I also knew that my wife would probably never understand my dressing or wanting to feel feminine. I knew I was her rock, her guy, her man… that was her image of me.
Around 15 years ago she found out, by accident – she found a shopping list of feminine things I wanted to get and… well, I guess I was tired of a lifetime of repression, of carrying all the feelings of shame and guilt, the sneaking and lying that wasn’t part of who i felt I was… and besides, I had wished for years to find a way to tell her… maybe, I thought… maybe she might even have suspected it all along and might even find it erotic and a source for real intimacy between us!
That’s not how she reacted. She was crushed, felt that her world was turned upside down. She was hurt mostly by my dishonesty, even though I explained how I could never tell her, how I feared the very reaction that she was having.
We went through many very painful and difficult years. She didn’t speak to me for close to two years. Then she approached me and said that she loved me so much that despite the crossdressing thing she’d be willing to “compromise” and try to accept it. We tried therapy… first she thought that a therapist might “cure” me, or get me to see reality… then another therapist got her to understsnd that it was integral to me, was permanent, and thst it needed to be accepted…. by me for my own happiness, and by her if she was to be happy in the marriage.
God bless her heart, she tried… but it was never something that in her heart she could understand. We were just too much In each other’s heads then… she was always wondering what I was thinking… did I want to be a woman, did i want to be with a man, or with another CD, on and on… and i always knew she thought i was just weird, and so I couldn’t perform sexually with all of the thoughts and shame in my head. It eroded all the romance between us.
A few years ago we decided to go our own ways, and we both recognize that our marriage was never the same since she learned of my dressing.
So the fears of being divorced are very real, and very serious. At least in my case our kids were grown, but it upended everything else in both of our lives… security, finances, home, hopes, dreams… everything. That’s why I would not advise coming out.
BUT… I also know how difficult it is hiding it, how lonely, how frustrating, how unfulfilling it can be to repress such a powerful part of who we are. I know how seductive it can seem to want to share it with the woman we share everything else with. How cruel it seems to have so much else risked… especially for something so benign as an attraction to gentleness and feminine feelings. Could my life really have been upturned because I love lingerie, makeup, skirts, etc? I’m sure I’m not alone in thinking it could have been such a source of the closest possible intimacy and raw honesty between two partners.
I have to also mention the freedom that has come with my divorce, nearly two years ago now. I am on a journey, an evolution of self-awareness and self-acceptance that has been as liberating as… well as liberating as I allow it to be. I am free to be myself, and I am still stretching the limits and exploring the parameters of who that is, held back only by old ideas and prejudices, shame, stereotypes.
I have been very fortunate in that I have even found a wonderful woman who not only accepts my dressing but encourages me on many endearing ways. She shops for me and buys me femme presents for example, she has insisted that i take my femme things out of hiding and give them places of prominence in my dresser and in my closet. She guides my fashion sense, she plans dress-up romantic dinners together, and she claims that she has never in her life has a lover like me before. She has slowly, gently, patiently – resurrected my sexuality. And yet i am still learning to trust her, her feelings for me, her sincerity.
Its an incredible journey that I’ve been on. I feel as honest about myself and my feelings, as self-actuated as I’ve ever felt before. But i also often feel that my life, sometimes feeling that my “real” life has been torn from me. I am also fortunate that I have a warm and friendly relationship with my ex. We still love each other in a very real way. And of course I’m fortunate to have a woman who lives me just for me, all of me. I’m sad that I could not have both. But that’s my experience, and there are others who have better or worse experiences.
I just want to say I understand where you are and the seriousness of your decisions. In my case I never made the decision, but it was made for me when she found out. Balance the loss of the marriage against the freedom to be true and genuine…. it still haunts me from time to time, wondering whether I should have or could have just endured the struggle, kept repressing my feelings for the sake of the marriage. I don’t know if that was fair to either myself or my ex-wife. There are no easy answers for some of us. I know.
I wish you well. And know that you’re not the only person to ever carry these feelings.
Michelle
Michelle,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I figured I was not the only one in this situation but it was good hearing from someone who has been there. It’s reassuring that there is a place I can discuss this. I wrote a more detailed and real (and be warned,very graphic) bio on Nifty but I got no response and one of the other boards pulled the blog I wrote because of the graphic sex. I’m not getting into the graphics here,this is more of a support and I appreciate your sharing long journey.
Right now my quandary is do I share this information with my psychiatrist (you should know I am on anti-depressants), It’s one thing to share this on line with a certain amount of anonymity, telling someone face to face is a whole other thing.
And to Alexis and Rachel, thanks for your responses.
Best,
Amanda
Just one other consideration, Amanda… society is much different today than 16 years ago when I went through my ex finding out. People in general, and women are more aware of and understanding and accepting of the gender spectrum. When I was faced with the crisis, it seemed like I was the only one like me. She may be more understanding than you realize… especially if you let her know that it doesn’t change everything else she knows and loves in you.
Again, best wishes,
Michelle
Hi Amanda and welcome to CDH.
Rachel
I am right there with you. I completely understand your situation. Terrible feeling wanting to progress but feel caged in your present life.
OMG! I just read MY story!! I feel for you, Amanda, I really do. My heart goes out to you. You are not alone, my ex- found out while looking at a credit card bill for a purchase from Victoria’s Secret. Hopefully, my article about my journey will be available soon so you can see similarities. This group (CDH) is a lifesaver and we are all here to support you. Take heart, sister! Love, Lorrie <3
A funny thing happened once. My wife and I were watching a comedy special with Eddie Izzard. She commented that Izzard though a cross dresser was straight with a wife. She off handily say that she doesn’t think she could be married to a transvestite(her word). Meanwhile I’m sitting there and just wanted to say You ARE married to one,
I appreciate some of the comments but at this point my marriage is on the rocks,this would push it off the cliff and my wife has said if we had the money to split she thinks she would,. Thsi would cement it.guy Our kids are teens so custody is not an issue but if I ever tell her and the kids find out I fear it would wreck(or at least alter) my relationship. I think my daughter may get it since she has a transgender kid in her High School but my son would never understand how the father who he has played and watched sports with and has a great father-son relationship with how his father could be a CD
2016_introductions new members: Amanda Sanders original post:
My name is Mandygirl 35. I am a very closeted CD with a wife who would certainly divorce me if she knew (we’re on shaky ground right now anyhow). I don’t get to dress as much as like since I don’t have a lot of female clothes and with two kids around it’s not easy.
I would like to hear from others in my spot. I am 50 so I know I’d never be passable and go out in public but I enjoy it when I am by myself but I also feel it’s not enough.
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