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<p style=”text-align: left;”>I have been seeing someone for a few years.Manly man, takes care of himself physically and emotionally. He’s a rock. Ex wife and kid he has custody of. Over the past few years I have found women’s clothes, shoes, makeup, nail polish. Every time I say something he says it’s his ex’s. Well, let’s just say I saw Kik message and did some sleuthing. He apparently is a cd. He is also into kink. I don’t think he’s had a man yet but he has eluded that he has been w a trans. He thinks because I am open minded and have gay and trans friends I’m into it and that is further from the truth. I can deal w him becoming a chick in private but not having sex w others – male or female. I don’t want to meet her. it never dawned on me to ask if he was playing dress up w men. I figured when he was dating it was women. How do I approach this 1) without losing my shit 2) without him killing me or turning it into my problem, and 3) carry on like everything is fine. I have been out of town since the “discovery”.</p>
I’m sure when you get back it’s going to be quite emotional and I hope conversations will begin to sort out its difficulties. But here is certainly the place you’ll find many of the answers you are seeking. For you it would be extremely difficult. I saw the shock from my wife as for us we were married for many years and only a short while ago that I opened up to her . The biggest concern was the mistrust I caused. Seeing her and the hurt that it caused was hard. We had many talks and through this agreements and guidelines were set and together were slowly working it out. But Cdh and it’s resources helped my wife and myself understand more about our individual troubles. I learned more about myself and she with help from a wonderful group we have here exclusive for my wife where many GG gals like yourself could receive the help and support to get the answers your wanted to know. This group – private ( wives and significant others ) . For you special ladies where Cders are not allowed. Meet with them and get the support you need. Look into other forms written by others who talk about their experiences, their questions they may ask with many offering help and advice so everyone can understand better on so many confusing topic . Many face this troubling ordeal but be assured you have support and help from everyone here . Relax, get comfortable and enjoy being part of this wonderful community that really does care for all that passes through our doors. The best to you both as you venture through these new paths together . Very happy meeting you and welcome.
Stephanie 🌹
The British line is don’t panic.
Stay calm and ask questions.
Try to find out how far into it he is, take the understanding line for all you’re worth until you discover the lines have been crossed.
Think about where those lines are.
Try to negotiate.
Above all, stay as calm as you can until you know the full truth, and even then, calm is the way forward.
It’s a massive ask, but I think it’s the only way to get to the bottom of it all.
I appreciate you’re in a state of shock and confusion.
This is the best advice I can offer, and I know it’s shooting for the moon, but follow the love.
If love is there, it will find a way.
Also, join the SO group here.
The GGs have a wealth of experience that far surpasses mine.
Good luck, honey!
Love Laura
thanks for the comments, advise, encouragement and support. if y’all can send me the links ot the groups you recommended that would be dandy.
I did finally gather the courage to say something. I found out a few weeks ago right before I left town. the kinky shit made me more sick than the cd did. I have gay and trans friends and my gay friend was like wtf. I couldn’t bring myself to saying anything the first few nights I was back because he had his son who lives with him. we finally had a night alone and he asked me what was the matter and I told him I was sad. he asked if I wanted to talk about it and I told him I really didn’t but I needed to. I looked him straight in the eye and told him I knew about him. I’ve found clothes, make up, shoes, etc. over the past year or so. I saw his kik msgs and found his kink site. then asked a bunch of questions without losing my shit (thank you new houston therapist!) He answered honestly. we talked for hours. the next morning he looked like shit. he went to work as did I. we have separate homes and he came to mine last night. we talked some more, and from what i could gather, he was in a ‘bad romance’ for years and I guess he started dressing for attention and finally had a woman he could love. said he didn’t want to have an affair so that is how he dealt with it until his ex moved out and filed for divorce. he said he’d go to therapy and he’d go with me. it had been a long time since he dressed (6-8 months) so he says. He told me he’s basically lost the urge to dress once we got more serious. He’s deleted his accounts and said we can get rid of his clothes (I told him I might want a few things 🙂 . I am still sickened by his kink persona and comments he made to other cd’s but he said he’s definitely not into men, loves the female form, and he was so sorry he hurt me. My fear is ever being able to completely trust him (are you really going to play hockey or are you going to play dress up…). And if all of that nasty chat was just him in girl mode or if he’s really a sicko. Time will tell.
hi! There’s a private group for us spouses you might find helpful!
Also if you go to my profile of my first posts you may find some things NOT to do lol. I was in a similar situation to you as I found out about my fiancé. Communication is key. Open and honest conversation about how both of you are feeling. Set up some boundaries.
It’s a tough situation to be in but if you truly love him, it’s just some clothes. If he does want to be with other people sexually and it’s a hard no from you then you know what to do. But no rash decisions. Talk to your partner ..Hi Warren,
I’m going to jump right in and say…. sometimes we keep things from those we care about. It doesn’t diminish how much we care. We do it because we are so incredibly afraid that sharing some things will cause those we care about to leave us, shame us, out us, ridicule us, hate us, possibly hurt us,……. So don’t lose your shit. Having those we care about getting angry at us…….. Yes, he has and is keeping stuff from you. That sucks. Here’s what I suggest you do…. Only a suggestion…….Open up the conversation and get the ball rolling.
Maybe start with “I believe the items of women’s clothes and make up and stuff that I found at your place are yours and not your ex’s and I’m ok with that and I don’t mind if you want to dress up and present as a woman in private so stop saying these items belong to your ex and just be honest with me.” One long run on sentence with no pauses so you can get it all out at once without being interrupted. Then stop speaking and listen.
Hold back on the urge to discuss other people at this point. Clear one hurdle at a time. Break it down into pieces. Maybe second go into the kink aspect. Since you did some “sleuthing” you need to own that. If your “sleuthing” was what some would call spying or searching his phone or computer without permission…….. maybe you will need to explain that combined with an apology for doing it. If there is a kink that you think he’s into that you are willing to participate in, tell him that. If there isn’t you might just not be a good match. As for the sex with other people…. bring it up last. It’s a deal breaker for you and he needs to know that, but starting with that subject would be like starting the conversation by accusing him of cheating.
Based on your post…. I suggest having this conversation at a restaurant where the tables aren’t too close together so you can expect your conversation to not be overheard. Meet him there so you can both leave at any time.
Good Luck
Hugs
AutumnHi Warren,
You have come to the right place! CDH helped me a lot! Do some reading here, it will help.
My partner very very recently just came out as a CD. I was a mess! Angry, confused, hurt. The list of emotions goes on and on. My first post here was a heartbreaking thing for me to write but I needed some help understanding (If you’d like to read that or my follow up they are posted here in the Intro forum). I did a lot of research and reading here. There were many helpful kind responses to my post.
After a few days I was able to sit down with my partner and have a calm, honest conversation with him. I told him I was okay with his dressing but I made it clear that hooking up was not something I could or would tolerate. He assured me that he had no interest in hooking up but I had to set that boundary for myself. Since then he has dressed in front of me (at first I told him I didn’t want to see it) and we even went out to a bar for a drink while he was dressed! I feel like we are closer than ever at this point and we have been together for 20 years.
I understand how confusing this is for as an SO. It sounds as though you have had a good conversation. I wish you both the best in the future as you work through this.
Please PM me if you would like to chat.
Hugs,
Starr
Well, I’ve always been an up front & frank kind of person. It’s a hard subject to talk about, I personally just know the truth is the best way to resolve issues just as the one you face, ask your partner to just come clean, so that the both of you can move on together or go your way. I do hope your situation will work out. Am Jennifer by the way😁❤🌹
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