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One of the biggest deterrents to a “full disclosure” to my wife is, “how will she view me” if she really knew? She knows I struggle with my gender identity. We can talk about it. She understands my distance is at times related to my struggle. Yet I have never sat with her to fully explain how much I want to openly present as myself.
Perhaps the single biggest hindrance is how such disclosure will affect her inner self and her need for the male whom she needs and loves. I don’t want to take that from her or tarnish or damage the images she has of “her man”.
GG, when you learned of your man’s femme side, how did it, or did it change your inner person view of him?
I don’t mean how you act / react to him outwardly. Just like he has an inner self that longs for en femme expression, so you too have an inner self which longs for things; your man’s masculinity, your “knight in shining armor”, etc. How did your man’s disclosure effect your inner self’s view of him?
Perhaps I am making more of this than is necessary, but for me what I might do to my wife’s inner self is critical.
I thought some GG insight might be helpful. I have decided to make 2020 my year of personal enfemme growth, so I ask hoping answers will help me grow.
Thank you for your insight. Blessings.
My wife found out the hard way she found a bag of my clothes. She first wanted to know if I was gay. I told her I was just interested in crossdressing and thought I might enjoy it. She took the time and learned enough about the subject and she felt it was cute and harmless she even helped. They do draw the line when it comes more than just crossdressing sometimes. They will let you know when you are crossing the line. Some GG’s do not want to see it at all. Others want to get involved just to make sure you are somewhat presentable and will not get hurt or be made fun of by men who find it offensive. I only know this because I was a member of a private club for cross dressers and transsexuals .The wives of the crossdressers were invited on special nights just to voice their opinion and meet other wives. I thought it was really cute when wives wanted their husbands to be the prettiest in the room. Luv Stephanie
QUERY:
Is it possible to have this posted in the private group “For wives and SOs”, where it is sure to be seen? And see the answers here? I would very much like to know, even though my wife has been very accepting of Bettylou.
Dear Charlene,
A little about myself first… I am a GG, been with my hubbie for 19 years, he came out to me about 4 years or so ago. I am accepting/supportive and attracted to her both in and out of the bedroom. She isn’t out to the world yet. Maybe someday, she will be, but that day hasn’t come yet. We aren’t a perfect couple, we have issues and struggles, but we try and work on them “together”.
I am going to be blunt… There is no way to know for certain that your wife will be accepting of your “full disclosure”. The moment it’s all out, you’ve just introduced a third person into the relationship. As well, as she’s going to feel lied too. Unfortunately, I don’t see a way around that happening.
That said, take the time, disregarding your gender identity for now, to review and reflect on your relationship with your wife. First, how great are you both at communicating with each other? What’s your level of trust with each other like? What are some of the underlying issues in your relationship? Is she fully satisfied both in and out of the bedroom? What can you both do to make the relationship an even happier one? And any other questions you can think of… I would take the next month or two and work on some of those issues, if any, first. You need to build a strong foundation and make sure she knows and feels the love you have for her.
Second, now review and reflect on your gender identity. How do you want to express that through what you wear and how you behave? Is this more of a fetish or something much more? Are you looking to just underdress or be out in full femme? Does this change your sexuality in anyway? Do you want to bring this into the bedroom with your wife or not? What is your dream of how things could be between you and your wife when you are crossdressing? And any other questions you can think of… Essentially, you are going to want to be damn sure about yourself, as much as one can be, the more you understand about yourself, the better.
Think about it this way, she is going to have LOTS of questions. This is going to challenge your relationship, the way she feels about you, and most importantly herself. I know for me, as well as other SO/Wives I’ve talked to, this challenges our own femininity and sexuality. These types of questions go through our head…. Does he still find me attractive? Does he not like the way I dress? Is he wearing my clothes? Does he want to be with another man? How long has this been going on? Why did he lie to me? Why is he like this? Could I be attracted to him still both in male and female modes? Does he expect me to sleep with him that way? What will my friend and family think? Does he want to go out dressed like that? Am I going to have to help him dress or do his makeup? How is this going to change things? Am I going to lose the person I fell in love with? The list is endless… That is part of what you are up against.
Now the challenge for you is to try and prepare, as much as you can, for how you are going to react to all of that and handle all of that. My advice, keep your emotions in check, do not get angry, be true to yourself, be willing to really listen and compromise. Don’t push too hard or too fast, find a pace that works for the both of you. Make sure she still feels loved and that you still find her attractive. Make time for her and for the relationship. Don’t let it become all about yourself and crossdressing. Talk, communicate, be honest, more lies will only complicate things further. And know that even with all of that, things might not work out between you too. This will either make or break your relationship.
At the same time, could you really, for the rest of your life, keep this bottled up? How much would you struggle? Would you come to resent your wife? How would keeping it a secret change your relationship? Will you keep distancing yourself from her?
I will end by saying, you CAN NOT control how she is going to feel, but you can control how you want to handle this. You never know, she might be okay or even more than okay with all of this. Or… she might not.
Best of Luck,
Gwenn
P.S. Reach out to me anytime. I find it also helps me to hear more about the other side of this.
Dear Gwenn, this is a wonderful post, I am so impressed with your insight and wisdom, truly helpful and informative, and I think it should be a primer for everyone who is being affected by CD, either way it has many thought provoking questions for someone who really loves their SO and is trying to be honest and trustworthy in the relationship… I would print this out and give it to my bf who is struggling as much as I am with this lifestyle; I believe your husband is a very lucky person to have you in his life, I wish I had the words to explain my pain and difficulty accepting the way he is… Unfortunately, he struggles with many more issues than just CD. I think that is why it’s not working between us… He has had so much trauma in his life; I know I can’t “fix” him ..but he is reluctant to do anything for himself besides hide inside the pink fog… I’ve suggested counseling, I’m willing to do anything that would truly help. But he isn’t at all. It isn’t so much the dressing I have trouble with…. It’s the way he changes, it affects our lives, he drops anything that interferes with his plans to CD for however long he wants to, which is sometimes full weeks on end with little to no sleep. It changes who he is and how he relates to me and everything else. I have had to cancel so many plans… Concerts, family get-togethers and even a dinner cruise, I ended up going alone and couldn’t get a refund for his ticket. I feel that is so selfish of him… But once he gets the urge, nothing stops him, so I spend a lot of time away, which is what I think he secretly wants so he can do whatever in private. I don’t think I will last much longer. It’s pretty much a dead end, and I am truly devastated by it all. Sorry for the long venting session, but I don’t have anyone to talk about this to.
Great question, Charlene-and wonderful and well thought out answer Gwenn! My ex found out a year into the marriage. I had truly thought the need to express the Cyn side of me would go away when I got married (I know-naive but I was young and stupid lol); she almost left Immediately but I begged enough for her to stay that she did for another 11 years or so but finally gave up. I don’t resent her for that at all as it was certainly NOT what she had signed up for or expected. While I would have been delighted at the time for her to be accepting or really even just tolerant, I respect the fact that not everyone can do so. Gwenn’s advice to take it slowly and to contemplate reflectively before pulling back the curtain too far is very wise. If the foundation of your relationship is built on sand, you could see it blow away in the wind but if you ensure it is built on solid rock then you would be amazed how strong it COULD one. There are no guarantees-it could be the end of the relationship or it could be the beginning of a new chapter in it. Only the two of you can determine that. I know I’m m town case, should I be fortunate enough to find someone again to potentially spend my life with that Cyn will be a part of it and will be open and honest from the very start. That’s only fair to me and to a potential future partner.
Cyn
Dear Charlene,
Your questions were really more about now that you know, does it make him less of a “man” or your change your perspective on the “man”? That answer is going to depend on each individual. Everyone’s wants, beliefs and perspectives can be vastly different. Some consider a “man” to be a guy who doesn’t cry, likes masculine activities and things, presents as strong and virile, etc. That is not my perspective on what a “man” is. My definition of a biological male, is that he was born without breasts and has a penis, otherwise, he’s just a HUMAN.
My Hubbie coming out to me has just reinforced my belief that HUMANS are interesting and complex. That we try so hard to put people inside tiny boxes that don’t quite fit exactly who they are. That we are always pushing the boundaries of non-conforming personalities, dress and gender.
I don’t understand what makes a biological male, have the need to express themselves in a more “feminine” way? Does anyone really? Does that really matter? To me, NO. All I know is, my hubbie feels the need to express his idea of femininity and I just try to give him the space to do it. At the core of this all, he is still the person I fell in love with. He still loves his sci-fi, history and comics, still not a fan of sports and more. What’s changed, he wears women’s clothing, he sometimes even expresses himself more femininely. Not gonna lie, still adjusting to it all, I think maybe part of that is because he maybe holding back a bit or not allowing herself to really fully come out.
Why some SO/Wives can’t accept their men? Why so many relationship dissolve and breakup? Simply, comes down to you like what you like and when that person isn’t what you like anymore, then you call it quits. It comes down to trust, understanding, perspective, desires, sexuality, beliefs, religion, morality, so on and so on. It’s just simply very complex. Some of us are willing to try to change our perspective and try to still love the person we are with through all their changes and some of us just find we can’t.
I hope that answers more fully and helps you to understand too.
-Gwenn
Dear Gwenn,
Between your answers here and our PM conversation you have truly helped me. Many thank yous for your investment of time and thought in my life.
Perhaps the most poignant idea is that “full disclosure” to my wife is not simply about me and my needs. It is as least equally if not more so about her needs after the disclosure than it is mine. Whereas I have had a lifetime of living with my femme self, this truth about me fully revealed will be brand new to her. Obviously she will need processing time. Allow her that.
Secondly the idea that this introduces in a very real way for her a third person into the relationship is major. I had never thought about that. I need time to wrap my mind around that truth.
And finally, if I may, thank you for being so very honest about how dishonest I have been in not full disclosing my inner self before we were married. Examining my self in the light you shed from the distinctive viewpoint of being a wife who has met, endured, and is successfully handling “full disclosure” is very sobering.
You have effectively stripped away the “concerned about her feelings” excuses I have hid behind. I see much more clearly how that approach is far more about protecting my ego than it is about protecting her.
Yes, partial disclosure as I had done prior to marriage is dishonest. Full disclosure will make that evident, and require me to first and foremost repair trust, before I can begin to develop my femme self.
As you have stated very clearly there is a some serious questioning and answering to be done prior to fully disclosing just how integral my femme personna is to my whole humaness.
Again thank you for your sound counsel.
Blessings
Dear Charlene,
You are very welcome! The fact that you really understood and grasped how I was trying to help you with more than you were at first only considering makes me so happy. I hope that others find and read this post, because I think it could help others too.
As you know, you have a lot to now think about. Revisit and reread our conversation again in a month or as many times as you want, I think as you continue to process this all, you’ll find it beneficial. Even with everything that was said, I feel that there is so much more left unsaid. There is just so much to how all of this effects, each other as individuals and in the relationship.
I hope that other SO/Wives read this post and add too it. I think it’ll be great to hear other voices on this all.
Best of Luck,
-Gwenn
This would have to be one of the best threads i have read in a long time, as Betty wrote it would be great to have this in the wife’s SO page and be able to read the replays
Thank you ladies for ThisHi Paula. I really would have liked to put this question to the SO page but I couldn’t post it there. Obviously I am not allowed there.
If the site managers want to move it there, I think that would be wonderful. I agree it would be helpful and revealing to understand what SO think about their partner being a CD / transgendered.
I have known for 48 hours. I hope my “in real time” thoughts and feelings are helpful, though we all have unique marriages, selves, partners and histories. Mine is just one perspective, but it’s new and may shed light on the initial reactions your loved one may have. The initial reaction might be the scariest for you. For me, the most frightening is what happens down the road, after we embark on this journey together. Will each of us decide to stay after he experiences his full femme? I hope so. But it is very confusing.
We have been married just shy of 4 years, together for 6. Mid-30s with the benefit of being introduced to a more nuanced understanding of femininity and masculinity when we hit college.
We have toddler twins. When they were born my husband disappeared into a depression. I had his help for a few hours here and there, but mainly he was in bed or at work. Slowly, he has been coming out of it (took a little over 2 years) and his honesty and my supportive urging and validating have helped that. Much therapy as well. Couples, individual for us both.
He did not come out in the beautiful way suggested here. Instead, he tried to warm me up to it, or perhaps he tried to see what compromise he could make to himself that i would accept. He asked for an open marriage, which he defined as us both having our own daliances in pre-approved secret. I was not comfortable with that, felt it would drive us even further apart, as our foundation had taken a jackhammering and we were and are repairing.
With his want of an open marriage in my mind, he told me two nights ago his real truth. Or what he knows of it. Without the doubt the first crisis seeded, I am comfortable with going on this journey with him. But I worry that the last 3 years of our marriage being all about him and his depression and me and my rage will lead to years of all about him and his CD and me and my resignation to being lonely but supportive.
For him, being in touch with his femme side is about clothes and sex and feeling desired. If he is open to truly learning about women, goddesses, the struggle that is being woman, I see this as drawing us together in a profound way.
That will require me to do a lot of codependancy recovery work so that I can set my boundaries and express my needs.
When I say boundaries, I do not mean restricting how and where he can express himself. I mean boundaries for myself, boundaries from enmeshment, boundaries where I stop and check in and see how I feel and what I want.
Kids are out of bed, so I’ll close here.
Hello Veda. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. While so many of us here long for our imagined version of womanhood to be our reality, you show us a reality of womanhood that, at least for me, is not part of my vision. Your version of womanhood quickly dissipates the “pink fog” that we are often engulfed in. Again thank you for sharing.
I suspect your husband is like many of us who for years have hid deep within our inner person what is our unshakeable mental and emotional reality; we either long to CD or (as myself) long to be a woman. That is a deeply crushing burden to bear alone.
But then so is your burden. And it is just as legitimate and crushing a burden as your husband’s.
Again thank you for coming here to open up your heart.
Just a thought if I may – your husband’s burden is very real and painful. Help him the best you are able. And know this your burden brought on by his revelation is equally if not more so as crushing and painful as his.
He is seeking a relief from this crushing secret. How? By opening up to you and hopefully to a therapist.
You too can find carrying your burden easier. How? As your husband did, by opening up and seeking help from others and a therapist to help carry the load. We are here to be part of your support team.
Sincerely,
Charlene
To answer more directly your direct questions.
No it does not impact how I view him as a man. I just want there to still be a man for the majority of our lives. I know this feeling may and hopefully will change as i learn more.
I know i will learn more about what attracts me as we experiment and that is exciting. I was hoping he would be interested in more nonbinary/gender bending fashion. He isn’t. He wants full femme or full masculine. I wonder if keeping it seperate really will help him feel like an intergrated full person. And I wonder if I will be attracted to him in full drag.
We did have sex the night he told me, both wearing bras and silk underwear. He had his chest hair and beard, etc. I could dig. But he said he wants to get his “whole look together.” I dont know if it is selfish of me, but I do think, like others have said, he has had a lifetime to think and develop these concepts and desires. It’s new to me. I would like to ease into it to better help me develop and nurture attraction.
I don’t know how having a third person in the marriage will be.
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