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This isn’t meant to be a downer, but I’ve seen post after post of great experiences both big and small when venturing out. I’m curious for those who had a less than a wonderful and exciting experience, just how bad was it really? I guess my point is our fears and our negative imaginations seem almost always far worse than reality. My thought is to see what, if any bad experiences other may have had and how each of us can learn from them or be ready to deal with them. It makes me think of cis girl’s conversations I’ve overheard where they share their experiences that didn’t go well and get suggestions from their girlfriends on how to deal with it in the future.
Lets start with a poll to see what range of experiences we find.
While most of my experiences have been good, I have had some negative ones as well. One early one a woman laughed after passing me and recognizing I was not a woman. I’ve also had a number of experiences where people call me sir even when dressed as a woman. A few of these had been in restaurants.
Once, the waiter kept calling me sir. I didn’t really know what to do at the time, but now I would say something to the waiter, or else to the maitre’ d. I would ask that if he couldn’t use “ma’am” to not use pronoun at all. Another time the waitress would call me ma’am if she approached from the front but sir if she approached from behind. She apologized the first time it happened but not the next two. I wanted to find her as I was leaving to just to talk quietly with her but I could not find her at that time.
One time I was out with several other CD’ers. I asked the waitress for a drink refill. Then someone else wanted something, and she said “I’ll be right back after I fill his … er her drink.” Being out with a group you may have safety, but you are also more easily read. Still, she corrected herself without any prompting. The funny thing was that earlier in the week I was out at a tea, and not en femme at all. There were a couple of women, and one CD’ers. The woman who was serving us (it is a volunteer position, not a profession) twice said “I’ll be right with you ladies.”
But I have also been to restaurants with other CD’ers who don’t even try to feminize their voice, and yet have had positive experiences. Recently I had gone into Dress Barn en femme and the sales woman recognized me (I shop there en homme often enough) with just a “Oh, hi!” More often than not, if I am read they either don’t show it or they treat me as a woman.
If you’re going to go out, just understand that you’re not going to fool all of the people all of the time. You can’t let it get to you. More often than not you will get a positive experience.
Good question Brenda.
My personal experiences have been good. Yes, I have been read. Most likely many more times than I have noticed that I have been read. I have noticed people pointing fingers two or three times. Did that affect me? No, not really.
One of the best accessories for a CD when she is going out is wearing a thick skin. Nobody is 100% passable. Well, true, if you play baseball and you go to the majors and hit a home run on your first at bat and then step on the bat when touching home plate and break your leg and your career ends right there and then… yeah, the legend will say that so and so retired with 1.000 batting average, all home runs! If you go out frequently… you are going to be read. Sooner or later.
So, what to do? First, try your best to ignore those negative reactions. It is their problem. But if they make it your problem, don’t engage. As long as where you are doesn’t have laws against the way you are dressing, don’t hesitate to call the cops if things are getting out of control.
Anyway, maybe going too deep into this. I hope everybody will be able to go out and about and enjoy that freedom without worries. But will not happen soon enough. *sigh*
Gaby ♥
I think by now I’ve been out of my house en femme about 10-12 times, or so, and about 6-7 of those were in public, and varying degrees of public exposure. What I mean, a few pub nights with fellow CD’ers, in a private room, with private washrooms, public restaurants, and most recently in a busy mall.
Nothing very bad has happened. On the way home late one night, I was getting tired, so I went into a coffee shop for a small tea, and the young man, said, “here’s your tea, sir, eh eh maam”. I smiled and said, you have that right, thank you. I was a bit annoyed, and of course disappointed, but it didn’t spoil my outing.
Even if I’m read, if I’m presenting as a woman, I’d like to be addressed as one.
None of the restaurants treated us any different, I think the serving staff knew, but we really didn’t get odd looks from other patrons. Mind you, this is in a rather cosmopolitan city, so that helps, I think.
Another time I got the sir/maam thing, and on the trip to the mall, all went well. Got an odd look while I was getting coffee, but nothing else. The interesting thing was I let myself get sucked into a really hard sell on over priced skin care products, in part because they kept calling me “maam”, and it was flattering. I’m sure in the end they “made” me, but that was it. Didn’t buy anything, so they were annoyed, I’m sure.
Amy
I have been getting out as Paula for nearly 45 years now. I live right in the bullseye of redneck central, oilfields, cattle and farming, rodeos, so you get a picture. When I just in my teens, I would dress and ride my bike all over town and I remember that I really was never in one place long enough for people to read me back then, I just kept riding. Of course mom let me wear my hair long as was the fashion for boys then, so it was fairly east to blend as long as maintained a little distance from other people.
In my 20’s (the 1980’s), disco was the rage and several of us girls liked to go dancing at the 1 gay club in town. The rednecks at that time began ‘bashing’ some of the gay men right there in the parking lot, and if they caught one of us girls, it was even worse for her. It got so bad that one of us actually was sexually assaulted. At that time, that particular crime was NEVER reported to the authorities. But it did get better after several of us, gay men and CD’s took it up with the club owners and they installed cameras in the parking lot so the bouncers could keep an eye out, and all we had to do was ask, and one of the bouncers would escort us to our cars.
With the passing of time, it has gotten much safer for us as a part of society in most places now. Being read is about the biggest fear a lot of newer girls have to face, as well as us older ladies too. For the most part, the physical danger is about gone in most places, with a few bad incidents still making the news.
The trouble I hear about most now, is from the groups of teenage women who ‘read’ one of us girls at the mall. They can be brutal with their comments and drawing of attention, but at least it stays non violent. Always play safe out there girls, you are a valuable asset to our little slice of society, no matter if you go out once a year or several times a week. Enjoy your freedom to be you, but please be careful.
Paula
Alison, I’m so sorry to hear about some of your early experiences. But I do take heart from your observations on how things have improved. I hope the evolution you’ve described will encourage everyone here to at least consider that we can’t let our worst fears hold us back from whatever level personal realization we strive for.
For me, to feel as a woman is, at least as often as possible, to live as a woman. Part of that is that every woman has to face her fears as she moves about in the world. I think we sometimes forget as we grew up as males how much that masculine aura protected us from much that women had to contend with. Now as I slowly discard the masculine, I have to confront many of those fears my cis sisters have always had to learn to overcome.
I have been extraordinarily lucky, and not had a single negative experience.
I’ve had the odd look, and heard occasional sharp intakes of breath, and even whooping laughter – but none of this was confrontational, and people are free to think what they like.
Love Laura
Mostly positive except for one time I was in a mall heading down the hallway towards the ladies room
There was a woman standing there looking at me walking towards her and she had three young children there with As I got closer to her she said. You’re not a female. You can’t go in the ladies room .I stopped and looked her in her face then said. Yes I am. I’m as female as you are. She was speachless and after looking at me some more she apologized then ushered her children away from the hallway. I went into the ladies room and did what I came in there to do then washed my hands and thought to myself. I wonder what’s going to happen when I leave the ladies room. I expected to see a security person waiting for me. I took a deep breath then opened the door and went out into the hallway. There wasn’t any sign of a security guard and I was releaved that there wasn’t. That was the only time that I had a bad experience in all of the times I’ve been out in public I reasoned that the woman with the three children was stressed and upset about something .I looked for her but never saw her again.
I began wearing pantyhose out in public with guy shorts and clothes. I was very nervous at first but no one seemed to notice. I wanted to show my legs better so I bought some short girl’s shorts. I thought that turned some heads and got some looks but I wasn’t really sure.
My shoes needed improving too. I got some very nice platform wedges. That I’m sure got some heads to turn and eyes to focus on my legs. Then I took that out fit shopping. It was fun shopping for and buying pantyhose and trying on shoes until one day while picking out pantyhose, a girl told me I had nice legs and asked if I was wearing pantyhose. A rush of fear hit me. I panicked, put down the pantyhose and ran off.
A few day later I went back in my outfit and bought the pantyhose I left behind. I swore to myself if that ever happened again, I would not run off. The next time it did, I was just as scared but I stayed and discussed pantyhose and my attire. I even got a date out of it. Over the next several months I got the chance to discuss my legs, the pantyhose I was wearing and the pantyhose I was buying. Many of the women who spoke to me seemed to think I was a girl. Then one day while buying pantyhose, a girl began talking to me and seemed surprised I was not a real girl. She liked my look and was surprised I didn’t dress fully as a girl.
Over the next several months she helped me go fully fem. She got me to go out several times and got me to go to many parties. I never had a lack of attention. Girls were intrigued. They would often compliment me, talk clothes and often got pretty aggressive intimately.
Guys wanted to get to know me, be nice to me and make me feel good. It was crazy but mostly great. If I went out, I got lots of horn beeping catcalls, professions of love and offers to be very good to me. There was a few nervous times like when I would see someone I know or someone would follow me on foot or in the car. It also mad me realize that girls go through this all the time. I can understand why they dress down to not stand out so much.
Great question and the lack of negative poll responses is encouraging. We spent all day Saturday at an art festival. I was wearing yoga pants and a long sleeve blouse, very colorful. I received several compliments from young women and had a number of very nice conversations. I think it all begins by you being comfortable with who you want to be. If you smile, if you’re polite and nicely dressed there’s nothing negative to be said.
I’ve been out a few times but never interacted with anyone just been out for a few drives in my car x
What is the worst that could happen – the poor unfortunate CD could get badly beaten or even turn up dead – both have been reported in the local press over the past year or so. Sad though it is, it happens. Qualifying this, there are far more reports of young men being beaten or murdered that CDs.
I have been the victim of a range of negative responses (I seem to be lucky like that). Most recently I was walking on the local moors a couple of days ago. I had been out for about 2 hours with no problem. I then decided to make my way back to the car. As I approached the car park, several vehicles passed by with no apparent response. Then a beat up old van passed by. After passing me, it stopped, did a U turn came back at high speed and stopped opposite the path I was walking down. The driver then began to get out of his van. Fearing being assaultef, I turned round and ran like hell (good job I had flats on) and then hid in some long grass. I could see the idiot looking for me but he mustn’t have been able to see me as he eventually got back in his van, sat there for a short time 1 or 2 minutes then drove back down the road instead of continuing on his original journey. I can only conclude that he had been told I was about and was looking for me. Sometimes one is much safer in busy places that those that are relatively quiet.
I was also clocked by a neighbour about 15 years ago and became the subject of snide comments, stares and a range of anti social behaviour for several years – mainly theft and damage to the car. Its seems to have died down over the past year or so. Having said that, some B stole my wheely bin a couple of months ago which I’m guessing is linked – or perhaps I’m just being paranoid.
Take care girls.
Anne-Marie.
I had the very worse experience and one of the best in virtualy the same place, the worst being a car full of drunken yobs, the other was a really bad chat up line which really made my day.
Apart from that my middle of the day outings have never drawn any attention at all. It is only our own hyper-sensitivity that makes us feel that every eye is watching every move we make when in reality most people ignore us. After all, how many of us take notice of an average woman in a crowd of shoppers and take the time to follow them to see how big their feet are?
Sally x
I said they were all good, But being it was my first time it the general public I don’t have anything else to compare it to but this is my coming out story and I have written in down and will keep it in my file so I can look at it from time to time and remember how wonderful it was to take that first walk on the wild side
Rochal came to my house the night before and I’m so glad she did . I could not make up my mind what to bring to wear for my first time in public, after a bunch of changes I went with a black form fitting dress and a pair of black heels ash brown wig light makeup some simple jewelry and a smile. Tina showed up just as I was getting dressed and I was a wreck , I felt sick to my tummy, after Ro and Tina’s reassurance I was dressed and ready to walk out the door. As we approached the elevator some people were there we got in and down we went. To the lounge we went I needed some liquid courage quick, well after all that time of being anxious it seemed like no one even cared or gave us a second look. When fact everyone we encountered were very nice to us and we never really got any bad looks. There was one gay couple in the lounge and one of came up and introduced herself and said she was glad we were their. So we knew we weren’t fooling anyone anyway, we left and walked for miles I thought because it felt like it in those heels. We went to LaStrada’s for some Italian and it was superb, and the staff was wonderful. We were treated like ladies with the utmost respect. After dinner we went for more drinks and missed the show which we were having such a great time we really didn’t pay that much attention. Then we returned to our room changed into more comfortable and talked about the night. So this is my take of my coming out party in Reno. 1. Reno is a great place to go for your first time out, no one cares, as long as you carry yourself well and have money, yours is as good as anyone’s . 2. Lastrada’s great if you can afford it, can’t beat the food at any price. 3. If you have been waiting for the right time to come out, get a couple of girls and go for it, no one cares, they are to busy with their own life to worry about yours. 5.I have waited for that right moment for way to long, all the things I kept telling myself why I couldn’t do it were just plain fear of what others would do or say or maybe me just embarrassing myself, what ever the reason I should have done this a long time ago. I want to thank my beautiful friend Rochal for giving me the kick in the rear to step out and for making the most wonderful night I have in my life possible. Also to our new lovely and charming friend Tina. I thank you both from the bottom of my heart. I will never forget my Coming out in Reno. I really hope this might help some others in their journey. Love Coral
My first experience was mostly positive, I had planned to go to a bar that was friendly to the lifestyle. I was a little self conscious being the first time. I dressed in “the little black dress” and went out with the confidence I usually don’t have as a guy. People were really nice in the bar. I was hoping for some casual girl-chat but mostly turned out to be a hook-up place. A lady wants to be treated right, buy my a drink, have an actual conversation…. Overall it taught me that I have the confidence to do this again; not to mention it felt great getting complements from both girls and guys.
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