Looking for friends; open to being surprised by love.
Need help dressing up.
My story is the same in a lot of ways. But in other ways it is a lot different: I didn't want to be a girl like so many did before the age of 10, and I did not have any special desire to dress up. Instead I remember fragments of time when I embraced my femininity. SO MUCH of this was forgotten, but I believe mostly now that it was remanded to the back of my memory for a time when I would understand it better. If I felt a sense of shame in this it was NEVER about myself, but instead the still undefined shame of having a prohibition of my thoughts or actions.
I believe nothing in memory however, is truly forgotten - it is only disassembled. So I am now in the process of recalling these tiny fragments of time and assembling them into a cohesive story of the human being I knew but could not identify in those precious early years. I had forgotten that I was a precious gift, and I say this with utmost humility.
I still am that gift that I was, and I know with certainty I would still be that gift even if not a single living person thought it so. But I must get to know more about this unfailingly pure entity of life bestowed upon the world by way of the Milky Way so many years ago. The fragments of me that I must find again go back to 14 months old when I remember being in a crib, waiting for my next brother to arrive, and standing up against the rails, looking, listening - prospecting for truth. To get to know that little person, still untainted by negation and not yet yielding to the quiet demand that he be something he was not, is an exciting adventure for me – just as it would for anyone who first realizes that they too were once a pure spirit in this world; that they too were born innocent, and as such should never be held to account by the opinions drawn from any other person's willingness to forget their own nascent journey in life - at a time when judgement did not reign. Lucky for me, all that I need is the scene to be recalled, and I can remember the minute detail of the moment, and then most importantly, to recall exactly how I felt. Claudia