I would second all that has been said below and a counsellor where you can go together, as well as separately, sounds like a good idea – I get your hubby is reluctant but I would guess that he’s scared for someone to see the real him.
From what I’ve read, self loathing is a common feature and comes from a place of fear of being ridiculed, not understanding and accepting that its OK to have these feelings and from being scared to lose everyone and everything they love. Having a low self esteem and low self opinion, for any reason, is so damaging to mental health and lashing out or being in denial is so common as well.
Your boundaries sound very harsh and were (are) probably confusing for your hubby if you were accepting to begin with. We all mistakes tho, on both sides, and it’s about working together to find that balance. I’m not saying you have to completely re-assess your boundaries, but I try and see it from the other side and think how it would make me feel and then try and find a compromise from there, no matter how small. I hate that in the past I have said to hubby that I didn’t want him to do something that made him happy or he felt was right for him, and he never wants to force me into something either, but when we are at opposite ends of the scale there has to be give and take on both sides.
I hope you can get to counselling, even to help your hubby be more accepting towards himself and that will, in turn, help your relationship I’m sure.