Hi Debbie, I am so sorry that has happened. My wife and I are struggling through my transition plan and are separating indefinitely, but not mainly from my coming out last summer. I waited until a month before our 40th anniversary, and she had no clue I was a sometimes crossdresser.
I agree with you that we are better when our feminine side can be expressed. The problem is that our SOs can’t deal with such a drastic change. If the positions were reversed, I can’t say I’d want to stay together with a spouse who grows body and facial hair, binds or removes their breasts, and gets a genital prosthetic. I’d always love them, but wouldn’t have the same physical attraction, so I get it.
Anyway, I hope you can seek out a good gender therapist to help with understanding what you want and need. I fought it myself for decades and it’s really difficult to self-diagnose and get clarity. Too many negative memories and imprints from everyone around us wanting us to be what they think we should be; at least that’s how it played out with me.
Welcome to the site, and get active here to get support and affirmation.