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Originally posted in Girl Chat with a slight change.
Hi girls! My name is Cloughie Dunn as in I am done hiding, done repressing, done waiting, you name it just done with not being me. My chosen name is very close to my birth middle name. Not a very pretty name for a guy or girl, but it has a family connection to a great grandmother who passed away too early in life when my grandmother was 2. Honestly, of all my family it was my grandmother who probably would have been the most accepting of who I am. I miss her English manners and natural auburn haired spirit, tenacity and irrepressible humor. The rest of my family is very religious right, although my older brother recently surprised me with his quite tolerant take on another “disgraceful” family secret.I’m really not sure when my journey started. There are quite a few events to look at, but the following stand out. Was it when, I as a 16 yr old, an older teen boy tried to seduce me in a pool (I freaked). Maybe he saw something in me that I didn’t. Was it when at around 12 my mother was trying to figure out garter snaps and let my younger sisters try without success, but I succeeded on first attempt. I doubt it, but a lifelong obsession with nylons was started. Was it when, at 7 yrs of age, my older by 5 yrs sister painted my fingernails only to have my older by 4 yrs brother jump in after 2 got painted. Oh the shame I felt of having let it happen that is seared into my memory like it happened 5 minutes ago. Probably so, but so what? It was just kids being kids in a large family, but I do say I was the object of their competition until the day she went off to college.
None of these events set my course in any particular direction. In HS I had even started to try on my mothers undergarments. Yet even so I didn’t know what to think of these actions and feelings inside. I was still crazy about girls, so I must be normal, right? So at the age of 21, fresh out of college, before I really did have a chance to know myself better, I married the most amazing and stunningly gorgeous woman I had ever met. I would never trade the last 30 yrs with her nor our two beautiful children for anything.
But… fast forward past the years of denial, self repression, self loathing, prayers to God to take this desire away, single days of euphoria at buying a pair of hose to wear underdressed only to be squelched again for months or even years…
At the age of 50, I was boiling inside from having repressed this…oh I had no real idea what it really was or where it would lead, but it was oh so feminine and needed to be pretty and soft and sweet and sassy. I was an ogre to my wife in the months that led up to my accepting that I was a crossdresser because of an inability to deal with the turmoil within. We still struggle from that period. And so Cloughie was born on Jan 15, 2016 when I came out to her on a trip to her mothers, but this was actually the second time. She knew within 2 yrs of getting married I liked wearing hose and heels. She even bought me a pair of 3 inch white pumps. When I reminded her of this she said she remembered I had dressed a little, but not about buying me anything and had figured it had just been a phase. We’ve done a lot of crying since then and a fair amount of raised voices as she just doesn’t understand it and feels she’s losing me, despite my assurances. Yet still, we have our good days that give me small rays of hope for US with “all of me” this time.
My third coming out was in finding CDH. I wish I had saved the chat so I could remember who was first to say high to me, but I’m blessed to say that you all were the first people other than my wife to know…
Hi! I am Cloughie D, I am a crossdresser and no one can take that away from me now.
Cloe-thank you for sharing this with us and more importantly-welcome to our family here! It’s always a delight talking to you in chat and great to have a fellow Virginian here! We’ll have to get together some time for lunch/dinner! I too have seen my Cyn side growing in importance to the point where I’m beginning to think its the guy part of me that has been the true mask all these years. I don’t know for certain whee life is leading me but I do know that Cyn will be a part of it no matter what.
CynDear Cloe – I’m so happy for you … It’s been a long road for all of us and it fills my heart with joy to see you have finally been able accept and more importantly love yourself for who you are. Not sure when it happened for me (and not sure I’ve made it all the way), but being confident that we are still good people, deserving of love, is so important. Keeping this in mind has been my sword and shield against the always invasive guilt and self loathing. In fact, I believe that this ‘affliction’ may actually be a blessing (beyond the joy we get from dressing without guilt). I feel that the internal struggles we wrestle with and eventually overcome, make us much stronger people – able to overcome adversity much better than the average person.
So, stay strong and don’t forget what RuPaul says ‘If you can’t love yourself, then how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?’
Now, let’s get back to buying some fabulous dresses ….
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