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I just learned that my husband of 25 years is exploring crossdressing. He has a few clothes. I have caught him in a couple of fibs. I am afraid of where this could lead in the future. I am also confused because I do have an erotic response to him in his underwear but things like fake nails just gross me out. We will be eventually attending counseling. Any tips would be appreciated.
Karen I can only speak for the life I have lived but I hope these few things will help.
First off, the lies. Your husband has lived with this for at least a portion of his life and has hidden it through lies and deception. This does not make it right, just a fact that he has not only lied to you and others, but himself as well. If you push back at this point the lies and deception will continue and become worse. Having an open communication path without judgment is imperative. This is not to say you MUST accept, just try to understand he is the same man you have always loved and you are just getting to know more about him and how he works. This should be a two way street and he should listen equally to you as well, however he may act selfishly and be more interested in his views than yours as he is finally feeling free to let this side out.
Second is the comfort level of both parties. He WILL push to get everything he wants. You WILL try to set absolute limits. 😂😂. It won’t work for either of you! Without mutual respect and understanding for each others needs through LOTS of open conversations it will be ugly. Let him know you love him and are willing to talk and learn and find mutual levels of comfort, but he must also be willing to listen to the woman he loves and work with you. This is where you can tell him what males you interested and what doesn’t. Defining areas that are acceptable and areas that are not.
I wish you the best of luck and hope your love for each other and respect for each other allows you to both work together. That is what it will take, a willingness for both to give some and accept what the other gives.
🍷C
Hi Karen,
Thank you for reaching out to us. I am an ambassador here at CDH and wanted to let you know that we have a significant other group here that is a part of the site set aside exclusively to provide support. It can be a confusing time so please feel free to reach out to me with any questions, I am sure that one of our Significant Other members will be reaching out to you as well. If if helps, I have been happily married for 12 years and I am out to my wife. It has been an adjustment for both of us but we are finding our way through and she is very supportive. The biggest thing is to keep communicating with each other.
Michelle
Hi Karen, welcome, and good questions/ legitimate concerns. I do identify with what you said in your post for where this leads in the future, and in particular getting caught in a couple of fibs (that’s a very kind way to say it). I’m the man in that situation there.
For whatever it’s worth, just to clear some of the immediate assumptions people may have about others who cross dress, I’m mostly a man’s man except for the fact I do like wearing lingerie and dresses. Hobbies, mannerisms, employment, is all very typical for a guy my age. Not saying anything about anyone else here though! Just telling you who I am so you know it can be a thing. You couldn’t pick me out of a crowd I’ll say that much. I think your husband is very normal. For instance, I don’t want to shave my legs, I have no interest in wigs or nails, nor interest in other men or CD culture (basically makeovers), or whatever, as I’m discovering who I am with my wife. That isn’t meant to represent anyone else here but me though! However, I’m sure a lot can identify. I literally just wear a dress when I have some alone time and that’s the extent of it, helps reduce the stress from the daily grind, but that’s definitely not the extent of what you can find in the spectrum, or even where I may personally choose to go or take this. I truly don’t know. Just letting you know there’s a shallow end of the pool I guess? Your husband needs to find out where he stands, that’s all, and he may not know fully yet and that’s okay.
As for not being honest, it’s really hard as someone has already said, lying and hiding becomes ingrained. I remember when a lot of this was coming up I’d lie to my wife’s face about it, and I’d have to close my eyes and back up and tell her the honest truth in the next breath, “how many pairs do you have?” etc became excruciating to answer. The fact I owned 5 or 15 or 50 didn’t matter, just that it mattered I was honest with her about it. For this, I thank my wife’s patience and understanding, AND that she held me to higher standards so we could work on honesty together.
I was just used to protecting myself, more or less. Don’t excuse it, as you both need to work together in full transparency, but do understand why it’s a habit in the first place that needs to be broken. That is why I went to counseling, to leg go of the shame of wanting to dress and to work on being open and honest with my wife about it.
Beyond that it’s too specific to comment. Times like this need patience and understanding, but be present too. Patience doesn’t mean forgetting, just means the work is allowed to be slow sometimes.
Keep talking with each other! You’ll get through it, and you’re both okay. Beyond that, feel free to message me, or anyone else really, any questions you may have. And have fun together.
Hi Karen. I can fully appreciate your feelings in all this. As a cross dresser myself and the strains it puts on my wife, it is understandable how you feel. The reasons for your husband cross dressing are many. He is still your husband at the end of the day but for many partners, seeing their husbands or boyfriends dressing femme, does not compute!! I agree with the counselling, because things may be explained in a way that both of you did not consider. Of course both of you need to be considered in this. I’m a big believer in compromise, a little bit of give and take. Your husband does need to respect your feelings here, to enable you both to move a little forward. A blanket no from yourself, will most likely, lead him into hiding and causing you both stress. Stress of course in itself will lead to further stress and problems.
It sounds like you are accepting of him to a point, but no further. Just for the record, my wife is exactly the same. I dont overstep the mark because I know her limitations. Personally, I dont think you are being unreasonable at all, but as I say, counselling may provide you with a better insight of all this so you can both reason with each other more which will be a good thing for both of you 🙂Fiona xxx
Hi Karen
There really is nothing to be confused about
People like what they like, and, as long as no-one is hurt, there’s no problem.
People get sexually excited by all sorts of stuff – a lot of clothing is designed to be arousing.
If it leads somewhere, it was probably always going to – there are things we have little or no control over. My advice is treat it like an adventure.
It may be scary in places – the unknown often is – but adventuring together will make your love stronger.
The easy but hurtful option is to try to suppress it. We kill what we fear, and fear what we don’t understand.
His lies are like my lies and the lies most cross dressing men tell. We love our wives and truly believe that we can stop… until the day that we realise that we can’t. We hide away because we believe it’s shameful to us and our families. Until we realise that, intrinsically, it is not.
Ultimately, it’s about your happiness and his happiness and the profound effect that being happy together has on a couple.
A supportive family is the best thing a cross dresser can have. We are not sad loners.
Maybe you could enjoy the parts that you enjoy, such as the lingerie, and occasionally encourage him to experiment with other things if he wants.
You could go to a nail bar together, or have an evening in front of a chick flick doing each other’s nails, if that’s something he likes.
My wife and I occasionally do that, or Face masks, or something else girly together.
In return, I am happy to be the man when needed, and wear a suit for a night out with nice aftershave etc.
Compromise doesn’t have to be about shutting things out, it can be about benefiting both sides.
Love Laura.
Karen,
I was at a similar point in my relationship with my fiancé about a year ago. The difference was that he told me about his cross dressing.
We have just recently started seeing a therapist and it has been extremely helpful. She has helped us share our concerns with one another openly. Originally, I was afraid to share with him because I wanted to protect him from being hurt. But then, I realized that this was only hurting our relationship, because I was keeping things from him as well. So my biggest advice is to be open and honest.
Part of the reasons it’s scary, because you have a lot of catching up to do with him. This is his “normal”. He has had to keep secrets for a long time. You are finally giving him a person to trust. But that takes time and understanding from him. He needs to remember that there will be an adjustment period for you. My fiancé is just starting to understand that. And it has been SOOOO helpful.
Sending you peace and blessings!! 💟☮️
Hi Ladies! Like any new situation that is thrown at us…..there is a very inconsequencal point and a nuclear explosion point. And….many points, variations and degrees inbetween.
You just discover your mate wants to cross dress…….now this desire may just be to wear pantys or at the other end of the scale…..have surgery and really become a female. Your mind immediately jumps to the worst case scenario. The best plan is to sit and listen to your mate and both of you discuss the whys and werefores of this desires. Speaking with a councillor or therapist does not hurt either. Do not panic….. discuss the idea and do not jump to conclusions. Read a few books on the subject. Discuss your feeling with others in the same boat in our Significant Others group.
There can be an underlying medical reason for this as well. I am well versed in Genetics and Medical-Psychological issues that may explain the desires. My door is always open to discuss these issues with you at any time…my door is always open……do drop in and set a spell. After all, many years ago men wore tights and dresses and lacy things, vis a vie, King Louis 14th. It is just a cloth material and that is not female or male item. It is only the design and how the fabric is cut that makes the difference. Actually, a lot of males are finding that female garb, fits better and wears more comfortable than the current offering in the mens section.
Till then………..investigate then make the conclusion.
Dame Veronica Graunwolf
Karen, Welcome , this is certainly the place you’ll find many of the answers you are seeking. For you it would be extremely difficult. I saw the shock from my wife as for us we were married for many years and only a short while ago that I opened up to her . The biggest concern was the mistrust I caused. Seeing her and the hurt that it caused was hard. We had many talks and through this agreements and guidelines were set and together were slowly working it out. But Cdh and it’s resources helped my wife and myself understand more about our individual troubles. I learned more about myself and she with help from a wonderful group we have here exclusive for my wife where many GG girls like yourself could receive the help and support to get the answers your wanted to know. This group – private ( wives and significant others ) . For you special ladies where Cders are not allowed. Meet with them and get the support you need. Look into other forms written by others who talk about their experiences, their questions they may ask with many offering help and advice so everyone can understand better on so many confusing topic . Many face this troubling ordeal but be assured you have support and help from everyone here . Relax, get comfortable and enjoy being part of this wonderful community that really does care for all that passes through our doors. The best to you both as you venture through these new paths together . Very happy meeting you and welcome.
Stephanie 🌹
Hello Karen, and Welcome.
You will be glad you reached out, continue to talk with your husband and bravo for the counseling. This is something in him and may not be a choice on any of our parts. It is part of who we are, there really is “no reason why”, and I would suggest not spending a lot of time looking for one. Look for what you can support, what your limits are or maybe, make sure he understands and respects those limits, as you must his.
Best to you both!
Rebekka
I suggest reading the book “My husband Betty”.
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