Denial, abstinence and redemption

[cdheaven]

At the request of my wife, I tossed all my clothes, heels, makeup and wigs about 16 months back. I started volunteering in a couple of places to take up my time and to keep my mind occupied. As time passed I became depressed and noticed I was sleeping a lot during the day. Thank God for CDH, I was able to stay in touch with my fem side vicariously. I talked to a therapist about my depression and the changes I had made. She helped me to see that being a crossdresser did not make me a degenerate or bad person. Today, after almost 16 months of abstinence I am glad to say I’m back! The peace I feel when dressed is worth the scorn and derision I get from my SO. I have to say that the welcoming non judgemental nature of all the beautiful ladies here at CDH sure make it easier to deal with the negativity we all seem to face for wanting some beauty in our lives.

[Rose]

Hi Terriann. Congrats on finding some serenity, even if your SO is giving you some grief. I would recommend talking to your counselor specifically about that, and in particular if he/she would be OK with your wife joining you for a visit or two – assuming, of course, she would go. It could be helpful for your wife to hear the same message about not being a degenerate or bad person.

I hope in time your wife comes around. It’s worth remembering that it sometimes takes us years to come to grips with this side of us; to expect our SOs to be completely understanding from the start is probably unrealistic. Hopefully at a minimum, the two of you can at least come to an amicable “stand-off” that works for each of you.

[Anonymous]

[quote quote=45281]The peace I feel when dressed is worth the scorn and derision I get from my SO.

I have to say that the welcoming non judgemental nature of all the beautiful ladies here at CDH sure make it easier to deal with the negativity we all seem to face for wanting some beauty in our lives.[/quote]

The more I see and experience the more I believe that SOs who exhibit such a reaction are fast becoming a minority. Here at CDH we have an amazing group of wives or other SOs who love and support their partners. Even those who are not particularly happy with their ‘other half’ being a CD are still willing to support the person they love.

As for negativity, that too is disappearing. More people are finding out about transgender. As more of us get out and about we spread the word that we’re actually quite ‘normal’. During the work day we’re policemen, or lawyers, firemen or ambulance crews. We’re working in schools, hospitals, big offices, small businesses and we do our jobs just like anyone else. The difference is that when we get home we relax in a different way.

Don’t mistake a lack of knowledge or understanding for negativity. Sometimes people are not sure how to react to something they see as different. Smile, be pleasant and respectful and you’ll be amazed how many people are, at worst, simply willing to get on with their lives and not worry about you. At best, you could just make new friends. I am certain there are more positives out there than there are negatives.

Let’s face it, even those who live in those ‘Smalltown’ situations we worry about, or who reside in ‘Hicksville’. For how long did you think you were “the only one” in your town. Now that you’ve met so many similar people here, are you still sure that you are alone, even in your town?

Terriann those around you will appreciate the calm, more relaxed you. Embrace it and enjoy.

[Anonymous]

glad your happy

get your SO as much info as possible

tell her the truth about why and what your goals are and let her decicide

i didnt do that and it cost me although my SO tries to be supportive

[cdheaven]

I would love to have back all the money I have thrown away throughout my life by trying to be a man and kill the woman inside, it always made me miserable! I now have absolutely no mens clothing, I refuse to wear such things but it’s fine with me whoever does (not wanting to argue) once you discover your love of your own femininity she will never go away! Transgender covers a wide range from a guy that wears panties because he feels comfortable in them to a full transition, we here are all on that spectrum somewhere, hide her if you must but if you try to kill her she will retaliate (in my experience) and come back even stronger

[Anonymous]

Hum…Naired my legs this morning, I did a fabulous job on my toenails they look like they were done yesterday but they have been like this for a few weeks…put on my panties and secret deodorant…etc… My hair continues to grow out, last haircut October 23, 2016 nearly 4 months ago. Nails growing out as well. What Cis-male that you know of does any of these things? Yet for me it is just a matter of course because I am gender fluid. I continued on on writing this to apply my make up, fix my hair put on my jewelry and fully dress in some of my casual clothes, jeans a yellow lady’s t shirt top, and running shoes…my pretty rings and things….

 

I also have a very distinct male masculine side as well, and I have been decidedly there for perhaps a week or two…Very Cis Male in every way…well except I tend to wear a nightgown and panties to bed half the time and my toenails are glossy and red…otherwise no one would distinguish anything different between me and any other masculine male. My feminine side was dormant with no desire for any of that part of myself during this time And this is what being gender fluid is in my experience. There are times when I am fully male, masculine and it seems as if this is who I am until my gender begins to shift in the other direction which can also go on for an indefinite period though it does seem I live mostly on the masculine side it may be some of that is the influence and the resistance, the absolute rejection of most all of our society to accept that gender has nothing to do with your sex, or with your sexuality and is an entirely separate thing which comes from deep inside our brain and who we are.
It is good to recognize the passive aggressive browbeating and intimidation and threats as well as more overt loss of jobs, shunning and loss of friends and family that goes on against any male who’s gender is expansive or fluid. This is why from the very beginning, from an early age we learn to hide this part of who we are and to react as other young males do of course we have no understanding when we are young what variant feelings inside ourselves mean we just keep them inside and we learn instinctively to deny and to rattle off correct answers and attitudes about a gender we are not supposed to be a part of because we are boys, not girls. But we come up on these secret, private feelings and we find opportunity and when we are alone. We may see an item of clothing or lingerie and we feel something stir inside, we reach out and touch and pick it up nearly at the same time we decide we’d like to strip off what we are wearing to try on whatever we have found and then we realize we must return to this again and again and again and again…and so our feminine side is stirred and we become aware inside ourselves something has awakened inside ourselves which we have no understanding of but which feels so wonderful that we know we cannot wait until we will have the chance to do it again, it stays in our mind as we go about being who we are, filling our role as little boys with the same thoughts and desires and interests as any other little boy, but we wait for our opportunity to return and experience our encounter with the stirrings of the femininity that is within ourselves and so our beginnings continue through childhood and our teens and on into early and middle and late adulthood. Along the way we learn and gain understanding, and self acceptance of this part of who we are at some point we begin to open the door of our private world and find the confidence to carefully take our tentative steps into the open until others come to know and to see all of who we are.

I find it tragic had our parents and our society not been programmed to beat down and to punish and shame little boys like us so much so that we knew without any doubt we had to hide this part of ourselves…that could have all been so different. The entire course of our lives could have been so different had our parents been part of a society with a very different understanding. Imagine if we had no fear and felt we could ask questions of our parents and if they had without any objections had encouraged us and allowed us to experiment to help us to understand ourselves in a healthy way to have found the best path forward for our lives. I have lived a lifetime and had to struggle on my own for years to figure all of this all out for myself. Imagine if we had been given little dresses, and underwear and shoes and socks of our own and other things too, so that we could have been allowed to go out to play with the little girls in our neighborhood? Imagine if the entire experience had been one of an open mind, of love understanding, encouragement and our being openly allowed to experiment with full acceptance so that we could have been allowed to be ourselves.

Unfortunately we suffered mental trauma and were hurt and psychologically damaged stirring so many negative feelings about who we are. I wish the world had been a different place back in the 60’s but it wasn’t. The world is a different place today in some places and in the years to come I believe little boys like myself will find what I was never lucky enough to have as I grew up became a man and lived a lifetime of hiding, and horrible feelings about myself and of struggle. …Oh well.

 

Yeah…It is true. I have no friends…I do feel inside I am not as good as others, I was very shy, had have a rather poor self esteem and I think it goes back to this shame, denial, and hiding I was forced to carry on with throughout nearly my entire life! Grrr! Can’t live in the past, we only have the here and now and whatever future at nearly the age of 60 is left to me…40 years…age 99!? Imagine knowing that! 30 years…age 89. In 20 years age 79! and finally in just 10 years I will be 69. I do not have a lot of life left to me now…do you understand why I am pounding on the walls with alarm that I am trapped here waiting for my wife to die or to succumb to her late stage Alzheimer’s Dementia after already losing all of my 50’s!?

 

[Brittney Andrews]

Hello Terrieann, Although I’m new here, just wanted to welcome you to CDH and the sisterhood of the fem world.

[Author]

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