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Hey all!
I’m the partner to a newly out crossdresser. He describes his cross dressing as something he prefers to do in private on occasion. He’s shared with me that his ideal would be to have our home to freely dress in for a few hours while I’m not home (away for a weekend or an evening). I’m open and am 1000% supportive of this, albeit it is a little uncomfortable purely based on the novelty of it. I recognize he was doing this secretly for the past 2 years of our relationship and it made no difference in our lives, so the only difference now is that I know. I’m anxious though about the thought of this only being enough “for now” and as he grows in self acceptance, things will change. He’s been a closeted cross dresser for 20 years (we are in our late 20s), so I would like to trust that he knows himself. I can’t help but wonder though, do some couples stay in this place forever? Or does it more often than not, lead to a desire for less privacy?
Much love to all.
– An accepting, but confused, partner
Hi Cortney,
It’s certainly something that many CDs like to do in private and never feel the need to make more public. Indeed, at least in part, the ability to be someone very different from your normal life is part of the appeal and so introducing others from your immediate social circle/everyday life would somewhat defeat the purpose.
However, that isn’t a universal truth. As you’ll see from the various posts on this site, many of us do like to go out ‘en femme’, with varying degrees of confidence/passability/regularity and necessity. What is fantastic though, is that you and your partner appear to be in a really good spot communication-wise and that is by far the most critical thing. If the two of you are prepared to talk about your thoughts, desires and feelings and if you’re both prepared to compromise on certain things (it is perfectly reasonable for you to want to set certain boundaries) then all should be good.
As a long time CD who’s just come out to my thankfully supportive wife, I want to say ‘thank you’ to you for your understanding – you will have helped your partner significantly.
Rachel xx
Welcome and thank you! Thank you for accepting and even encouraging him as much as you have. Give it time. He needs to come to grips that your acceptance of him is unconditional and it will take time to let go of the awkwardness and guilt. It did for me. Introduce acceptance and encouragement in small steps. Side comments or suggestions when you are shopping together, watching TV or see someone wearing something nice is a easy way into his world.
I have dressed for most of my life and only recently came out to my wife fully in the past 5-10 years. She is not fully accepting or understanding of what i like to do but is generally OK with seeing me wearing basic panties but nothing more. Therefore I am a house bound and in the closet CD’r but would love to roam freely in the house and eventually go out in public if the situation was perfect. I am generally OK with this and will not rush it. This desire to go out was not always the case though. For so long I had so much guilt for dressing opposite of societal norms and what my wife or family would think that I created so much anxiety and depression. Since coming out to my wife i am in a better place of acceptance for who i am am. It is almost like a release valve opened up and the pressure and anxiety of her walking in on me or her finding an article of clothing has subsided.
Good luck and keep us informed!
Hi Cortney
There are others above that have given good insights, to which I can relate.Roxie, just like Rachel above but different… was discovered recently, so far, my SO has been very supportive. So following is my current perspectives that are developing continuously at a dramatic rate!!!
We are going to a psychologist on Thursday to unravel a few issues around past, present and future roles and responsibilities… time will tell on the final result but I am praying for an accepting result…
I feel the dual life is destructive eventually… so the opportunity to go en-femme is sooo relaxing / relieving of life’s experiences… currently en-femme at night and some day opportunities but not brave enough to go shopping etc.
The macho lifestyle is a natural part of myself but it demands certain traits, with which I am not comfortable…
I am blessed with an average male body and face… that makes it difficult to go en-femme…
This hiding, stealth, lies, pretences… on both sides to everyone around me… makes the dual lifestyle challenging…
Yet it is almost like a real life movie! Acting out, what I believe, is what people want from me!!! Yet I didn’t have an opportunity to be myself!!!
The Psychologist’s visits will hopefully help me find what has been hidden for half a century effectively in both lifestyles!!!
This is exiting yet 1000% nerve racking as the day draws closer… my ideal outcome is that my SO comes out of this with better insights into me – some may even be new for me as well!!!
Thus being out-ed, I am now able to blend my lifestyles with my accepting SO – without hiding expressive words, feelings, emotions and interests. Yet this is still not possible in my drab/ macho lifestyle… Effectively 50% of my life has changed dramatically for the better, for now!!!
The roles and responsibilities could become an issue and I hope a third party intermediary will assist with our scenario where we will be together and separately.
Reasoning is that as we talk in the separate sessions with the intermediary, anything “blurted” out is confidential, the correct words can be found – without lying – and then our true feelings can be expressed, yet without hurting… once words are out – they can not be withdrawn!!! The hurtful ones seem to stay forever!!!
I hope this helps or at least gives a perspective from the other side of the world – yet not worlds apart in our situation…
Kind Regards Roxie.
Courtney welcome to Cdh where everyone including our special significant others can find relief in knowing help and support is always just a click away.. l assume you have many questions and concerns and I see many wonderful responses so I’ll try and throw out my thoughts..
First, figure out how far you’re comfortable with it. Some women simply tolerate and let their men enjoy it around the house while others totally embrace it and openly accompany their men in public as “girlfriends”. Also find out how far he wants to take it. I must admit your likely right about your husband. The more we discover the further we do move the markers.
For him: How far does he intend/desire/need to take this to feel happy? Some men are content just “underdressing”, that is having the feel of something soft and feminine against their skin under their regular clothes. Some men want the whole outfit — undergarments, skirt/blouse or dress, whatever. Some men want to just briefly visit the total world of womanhood by adding the fake breasts, makeup, wig, etc. Some separate their “girl” time from the rest of their day by also going by a female-sounding name. Of those, some are perfectly fine (or even prefer) just staying home to do this, but others need to feel validated by attempting to pass in public and meet up with fellow part-time girls.
men most of the time but need a little break from society’s demands on masculinity. But what if he wants to go farther? What if he wants to dress that way all the time, have you call him “her” and use a girl’s name? What if he wants hormone replacement therapy to grow real breasts? What if he wants the surgery? Now we’re talking serious and (more or less) permanent life-changing choices, and not many women are OK with that. Think of it as a breach of contract: You married him on the understanding that he was a straight, monogamous male and now he wants to change the terms of the contract you agreed to. So you should not feel obligated to accept that change or guilty about not wanting to support it. On the other hand, maybe your relationship is stronger, and more important to you, than a little thing like a sex change can’t stop that train.
Let’s assume for the moment that he is a straight, monogamous male who fully identifies as male and has no intention of any kind of permanent change. There’s still that whole range I mentioned a few paragraphs ago, and you probably have a line in your mind you’re not willing — or prepared — to cross, at least not yet. By the same token, though, he has an itch that has to be scratched one way or the other. I can tell you right now that it is very unlikely he will be able to suppress it completely, or permanently. Every crossdresser has gone through a purge process where we tell ourselves this was only a temporary phase; we throw out all our girly clothes and ignore that itch as long as we can. Some succeed! I have friends who, for religious reasons, feel compelled to suppress that urge and they have been very successful at doing so. If that’s something your husband is interested in. Other men have found similar halfway points: OK to dress at home, but not in public. OK to dress in public, but not where anybody knows you (e.g., another town). Everything except breasts is OK. Everything including breasts, but no female name. Dress and call yourself whatever you want, but go back to being all man when we’re being intimate. Do whatever you want, but not while the wife is around (“don’t ask, don’t tell”). When she really can’t bear the sight of him in femme mode, they can agree to give him specific days when he can do whatever he wants while she’s away from the house, but the rest of the time he agrees to be the man she married.
You get the idea. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. And nothing is set in stone. If you’re not comfortable with it, over time your boundaries may move. The important thing here is transparency: Once you’ve agreed to the boundaries, it’s on him to stick to what you agreed to until you’re ready to move on. I have absolutely no tolerance or sympathy for men who lie to their wives. Once that foundation of trust is demolished, it can take a lifetime to build it back up.
As a dress-wearing husband to an understanding wife, I thank you for taking this step to understand your man’s needs.Many face this troubling ordeal but be asured there is support and help from everyone here . Relax, get comfortable and both of you enjoy being part of this wonderful community that really does care for all that passes through our doors. And to you lovely GG lady , a place to have your questions and concerns answered . It’s certainly a major issue in a lot of relationships. We all need a place to have others to talk with, to listen and show compassion and help better your own feelings as one continues to grow and discover more of this complicating course in life . There’s a group you may like to know ( wives & significant others ) where ladies like yourself can offer their help to questions only you would like to ask them.
https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/groups/wives-and-significant-others/
No body is left out, that ‘s what makes this such a wonderful place to belong. Best to the both of you and hope to hear from you soon. Hugs!!!
Stephanie 🌹I can’t speak of couples because I do not share this side of myself with my
SO. I can say though that it is a private thing. I would love to share this
side of me with someone, but I think that’s where it would stop. I don’t
feel the need to be “out there”. It would be nice to share my hobby with
someone though…like some positive feedback, privately. Maybe things would
escalate from there but that’s no the goal. I guess what I am saying is,
having a SO that is truly accepting/ participatory would go a LONG way!Hello and welcome,
I am also the wife of a CDer who recently came out to me. I also have the same questions and fears of him wanting to go further in the future as he becomes more comfortable. Unfortunately, I don’t have any answers. I have been trying to live in the here and now and not worry about the future which may or may not happen. I want you to know that you are heard and you are not the only one feeling this way. It was helpful to me to join the wives/SO group and see I was not alone in my thoughts and feelings and that others were feeling the same way. That brought my anxiety way down.
I wish you luck and hope you get the support you need here. Take care.Hi Cortney I have been a closet CD for 40 years my wife has no idea about it, I would like her to know however whenever she see’s CD’S on TV she just sneer’s. So I have never told and never will, I crossdress because I enjoy it for me its escapism and relaxing. I have never let it affect our relationship, its a private non sexual part of myself which does not affect anyone else. Its just about self acceptance.
Best Wishes to you both.
Sarah
Absolutely. Some of us, like myself, only do it in the privacy of our own home with no one around. Some of us may eventually be comfortable around our SOs and family, and eventually to go out in public. However, if your SO has been doing it for 20 years, he might not go that far and might just want to stay where he’s at.
I’m new here but I’m a closet cross dresser.I have considerable facial hair so dressing in public would be odd to say the least. I dress up almost every night when I’m alone
Same sister. The beard that grew since my Navy days likely won’t go, so the closest I can get is neck down feminine. But when Annaleigh gets to roam, it’s a euphoric high like nothing I’ve felt before.
Hi Cortney, this hits close to home in a way. I came out to my wife about 9 months ago during our first lockdown here in Montreal. She was as wonderfully accepting as you are, and while unlike your husband I did actually want to share it with her, in reality I was extremely shy and much too nervous about it. In the first few months I was comfortable wearing panties but nothing more, even though I wanted to wear a complete outfit down to the shoes. After a few months and much reassurance from my wife that shyness has faded away to the point where my wife will do my makeup and do photo shoots with me. If I’m right about your partner I believe that he wants this as well. Why wouldn’t a CDer have the desire to share with an accepting SO? When he is ready, which you can help move along by encouraging and reassuring him, he’ll make the next move with you. I dressed on and off for over 40 years before coming out and believe me its a far richer experience when shared.
Good luck Cortney, you wonderful girl you.
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