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Did/Does Mom Know?
As some of you know, I am set to go through transition yet again. Well, actually a THIRD time (but that’s a whole other post). The surgeon and insurance are having me do the therapy AGAIN to RE-establish the diagnosis of gender dysphoria. I would be put out, but insurance is going to cover a better part of this than ever before…so I’m good with it!
The new (insurance approved) therapist asked several questions at our last meeting: Did your mother know? How did she react? Was she supportive? Fortunately, those questions engendered quite pleasant memories and responses. So, I thought that would be an interesting set of questions to throw out to you ladies! It may be difficult for some of us, I realize. I intend to cause no discomfort. However, those of us doing/done therapy know that processing the difficult feelings helps us to grow. Also, many of us may learn from both the good and the difficult responses from our sisters here. So…,
Did/does mom know?
How did she react?
Was mom supportive?
Did/does mom actively help you in any way?
What sayeth the collective wisdoms, y’all?
Dee
Dee,
I would be surprised if my mother didn’t know. However, I have no confirmation of this. My conclusion is more of a theory based on the preponderance of evidence.
Several years while my wife and I were visiting from out of state for a few weeks in the summer, my mother decided to be helpful, and fold a basket of our laundry, a loaf of underwear. It would have been impossible for my mom to have not noticed it was all panties (with no boxers), and panties of two very different sizes. Additionally, my mother fold my panties as I prefer, and my wife’s as she prefers.
However, my mother has never broached the subject with me, and I have not broached the subject with her. At first, I refrained to avoid putting her in a position of possibly having to lie to my father (who I very much believe would not approve). My dad has since passed (2 years now), yet the subject has not been brought to bear.
MacKenzie Alexandra
Bloody hell no!
My step-mother grabbed any chance she could to make me look bad in Dad’s eyes compared to her own son, so catching me in her clothes would have been pretty much her dream event. I can just see the gleeful look on her face if she’d ever caught me. Brrr. It makes me squirm to even think about it.
I’m pretty sure my CDing has it’s roots in there somewhere – if you can’t beat them, join them.
Connie
xxx
No chance that I could allow that. She might have some kind of medical reaction – lol.
I wish…Catherine
Being as I hadn’t even been aware of this desire within until later in life, she sadly never got to meet and enjoy Olivia’ company before she passed away.
Knowing her love for all her children and her acceptance of issues in my other siblings lives, I’m quite sure the happiness and balance it brings to me would have been more than just o.k. for her.
Olivia
I used to play ‘dress up’ as a child and wear female clothes from the box. Mum didn’t mind at all and she dressed me up for a couple of events. It was all fun but in a way she was helping me fulfill a need to dress. I also did so in secret and often wondered if she knew that I did so and enjoyed being dressed.
Roll on a couple of decades and the day I announced my ‘secret’ . After a long chat she accepted it and she said she never had any idea, something that she maintains to this day.
She did help me sort a few clothes at the start and also let me go out dressed for my first ever trips and it blossomed from there.
Dear Dee ,
First of all I hope everything will go according to plan this time for you.
I am so happy for you that your dream will become a reality now !I consider myself to be Androgynous.
To your question : Does Mom know ?
No , she doesn’t.
Atleast , I don’t think she does !
She never said anything , or implied something , that would make me believe
she knows.
She only ones said , when she saw a TV documentary on Dutch television , portraying a Transsexual Woman , that she thought it was a beautiful broadcast.
I also heard from Women in my enviroment talking about Crossdressers that they
don’t mind men dressing up as Women , as long as they look well-groomed.Love Sylvia.
I am certain my mother knew, as I was wearing her things and leaving tell-tale signs behind when I was very young. Women wore delightful intimates in the early to mid 60s…garters and stockings, girdles with garters, negligees…I can still remember how good the material felt against my skin. She had a red negligee that I loved, and I know she left it in the same place for me all the time. As I became an adult, we remained very close emotionally. Yes, my mom was cool and it’s nice that Haley actually looks like her!
Like the Orville Peck version of the song Fancy says, “staring back from the looking glass there stood a woman where a half-grown boy had stood”❤️
Haley❤️
Hi Dee as a youngster dad and olderbrother didnt want much to do with me so mom had me as a play friend to my younger sister and dressed me up a few times untill early teens when brother and were gonr away for halloween mom envited a aunt over . So we all went out trick or treating and mom and aunt dressed me to the nines as a young kid made to look like a woman full on dolled up was a very happy time in my life so yes i think mom knew he he ..
Stephaniexx
HI Dee first congrats on going again and hoping the journey is succesful. And of course my mother knew as well as all my family knew from being a cd to now as trans. Everyone was so supportive when told everyone not a single but or why came from anyone. Felt they knew in their minds that what wanted was what they knew from the start. Do know everyone helped me through my journey from my family and friends. Do know at this time of the journey my mother and myself are talking about girl things that part of being a woman. Nothing like being talked to on birds and bees and all that stuff as a woman. Think my mom is happier now to have a daughter over son. but she did love her son too.
Donna
Dee,I always thought my mother knew about me dressing in her clothes.The subject of crossdressing very rarely came up in our house and when it did ,it was treated very negatively by both my mother and father.Due to remarks from both Mom and Dad and being taught by the nuns<very scary people> I kept it from both of them.They have both passed many years ago and I now try to be the best part time lady that I can be. Michelle.
When I was 13 and just began discovering dressing an incident happened that never made it to any conversation. One day my mother who ever needed going into my room as I was brought up to look after myself including making beds and clothing. She was kinda proud and even mentioned how organized and neat I kept my room just like a girl would… but one day being a mom helped by putting some clean clothes away came across my girly things dress, panties and some hosiery not much more that from a closest 13 year old. But nothing was ever said from my mother and me after going through a few very emotional days didn’t say a word. But like most have said,,, mothers know… 🌷
Hi Dee,
Did she know?
I expect she did but reaction and support would’ve been muted at best. She was well read and liberal but the 60’s didn’t do transgender very well (was transgender even a word back then?)
My family embodied ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ long before it became government policy.
It was a lonely time for ladies like me.If she were still alive today i’m sure she’d be supportive.
Maybe confused, maybe disappointed, but supportive.Thanks for asking.
-joanneDid/does mom know? Oh yeah!
How did she react? “You’re going to pay me for those, right?”
Was mom supportive? Once I payed up.
Did/does mom actively help you in any way? Actually, when she travelled for work, she’d leave out some goodies, like nylons, shoes and nighties in my size. She worked in the fashion industry. No words were said. Guess what I am now? LOL!
What sayeth the collective wisdoms, y’all? I cannot offer anything about transitioning, except god speed and congratulations! I’m still looking for my own path. I think I’m a bit scared of finding my answers and confronting those I love the most. In the end, I think my “gender-fluid” mindset will be fine for the rest of my life. Peace-of-mind is my Peace on Earth.
Peace and Joy to you, Dee!
Hugs, Barb 🙂
My mom sort of knew. She discovered my stash of lingerie when I was 17. I got a stern lecture….and was made to promise never to do it again. Lots of good that did, LOL! My mom passed when I was still deep in the closet – years before I was out to anyone. I had a strained relationship with her. If she’d discovered my true identity, I think it would’ve killed what was left of our relationship.
A long snipit in answer to my own post:
My step-mother (who is my real “mom”, as far as I’m concerned) was all of 5’ tall and 98 lbs soaking wet. She was drop dead gorgeous. So much so, that the nuns at my Catholic high school had fits every time she came to a school function, as all of the teenage boys went absolutely stupid!
I had been trying on her clothes since as early as I can remember. One, they fit, and two, they were as gorgeous as she was. Now this was the 60’s and 70’s, and y’all know what fashions were like back then. Yes, she was an absolute hottie. As a young/pre-teen boy, I could be too! It’s a shame that boys and puppies turn uglier as they age….
I could wear everything for a good while. She even had several wigs to change with her mood, although I didn’t need those for many years as my hair was long (the 60/70’s, remember) and I could style it. I would stay home “sick” from school A LOT, so I could dress all day in her things.
Crafty lady she was. Of course, as smart and meticulous as we think we are, there is just nothing that compares to a mother’s radar. She figured it out, yet said nothing. It took me a really long while to realize that she was placing outfits together strategically to make it easier for me to put the right pieces together. Or, perhaps so I didn’t mess up too much of her things! Oh yeah, and of course the outfits that fit the growing me, and not her 98 lb frame! (insert the obligatory, “DUH”, here!) Then she started organizing the makeup with the appropriate colors of rouge, eye shadow and lipstick on the dressing table, to correctly match the outfit. Later on, she would start leaving magazines next to the makeup with pages flagged with the intent of the “how to.”
When it was time for me to leave for college in ’74, I had a sit-down with mom and just blurted it all out. I had to. I knew she knew, and I was uncertain how to handle being away from home and not having regular access to dressing. I was terrified and stammering. Mom was calm, cool, collected…and monumentally understanding. Of course she was! She had been clandestinely participating for years!!! She explained that she had known early on at the beginning, and did what she could to both help me and to shield me and my activities from Dad, who would never in his Catholic life understand. I did surprise her though when I explained that I was going out dressed regularly during the days I was home from school. That was the ONLY secret I had been able to keep from her!
Anyway, she helped me get everything packed for college. Deep in my few boxes she packed a 3-pack of pastel nylon panties, a soft cup bra (I remember it was light blue 34A) and a blue nylon baby doll nightie (again, the 70’s). She explained several times about how risky it was if anyone ever found out. The last thing she said was that I had to keep it to myself and that only she and I would know.
When I transitioned (the first time) mom was the only one in the family who understood and accepted me “as a daughter.” She didn’t like it, but she just loved me. It was terribly difficult on her to be the wall between dad and me/my wife, especially at 98 lbs! She was truly heart-pained when I transitioned back to man-mode, due to family pressures on both sides of the family. When she would visit in Pittsburgh, she would go girl shopping with us. She loved being out as 3 girls together with me and my wife. She always acted as if it was the most natural thing in the world.
Maybe… probably…
I tried to be extremely careful about dressing when I was a kid, but I’m sure like any kid that I left a trail of clumsy, unmistakable tell-tale clues in my wake.
Also, because of the confusing feelings I was going through during my teen years, I kept a detailed diary of my dressing experiences and thoughts about who I really was. At the time, Renee Richards was in the news, so I wrote a lot about how I hoped I could someday afford an operation and be like her. I also mapped out my ambition to someday start a business that would help struggling people like me find the support and clothes they needed to be themselves. (I never transitioned or started that business though. Life got in the way.)
I was always careful to hide that diary in the back of my closet, tucked away in a certain spot. One afternoon I found that it had been moved and put back in a totally wrong place, and the only person who could have done that was my mom.
She never said anything about it, though, so I don’t know if she actually looked at it. I can’t imagine that she wouldn’t have looked inside and read at least a bit. That’s just human nature.
While I was growing up, she would talk sometime about how I was supposed to have been a girl. Not that she was disappointed in me, but she just really wanted a girl. And even though I had been born a boy, she went ahead and raised me as a girl those first few years, growing my hair out and dressing me up in pink. I don’t have any direct memories of those years, other than the baby photos, so I don’t think that played a role in my turning out the way I did. It’s possible though.
But after the diary incident, I can’t recall my mom ever bringing up that topic again. I truly hope that if she did read my diary that she didn’t blame herself or feel guilty about the confusion I went through. I think this is just part of my nature.
Unfortunately, she died years ago, and I never broached the topic with her before she passed.
Sorry for the long-ish post, but Dee’s question really got me thinking about things long past. Thanks for asking.
My Mom came home early from work one day and caught me making out with my boyfriend dressed in stockings, garters, bra and heels. Yes I’m going to say that pretty much let the cat out of the proverbial bag right there. She came in through the garage door into the rec-room took one look, said nothing and went upstairs. My boyfriend left quickly, I got changed and went up to talk to her. All she said was don’t let your dad catch you, British army, wouldn’t have gone down well and that I was her child and her love for me was eternal and non-questioning.
She never helped me but I would put things in the laundry and they would be folded and put back in my dresser or closet. She asked me about things, the big why of course to which I still have no concrete answer and where did I go and what do we do, that kind of thing. She asked me once when I started dating girls if I really liked them or it was just easy access to clothes, I had to think about that one for a bit as I always took a few trophies from girls.
Mom’s been gone nearly 4 years and there’s still times I wish we could have one more chat. She was a great lady and always good for a laugh. She’s the one I get my sick sense of humour from. Love you Mom, merry Christmas. Damn, now I’m crying, so much for my makeup.
WOW!! Heather, I’m blown away! (Easy…)
Yeah, what is the answer? How does one explain it? It just is.
If we ever do go for that drink, I’m buying the pub for us!
Cheers,
BIG HUG, Barb 🙂
Not if Barb, when. I’ll see you next summer on a patio for a cold one, maybe we can get Stevie Stiener to join us.
I don’t think my mother knows, but I could be wrong. She certainly has noticed that I started shaving my body. I noticed her staring at my legs and chest at the pool, both of which used to be quite hairy. I was waiting for the question, but it never came.
I used to be quite concerned about what her reaction would be. But my youngest child came out as a trans-male last year and everybody in my family has accepted him, so I presume they would accept me as well. I have no plans on coming out, but it is comforting to believe I would be supported.
Hugs,
EliseI was caught three times I believe, twice by my Mom, and once by my Dad. They never gave me a hard time about it. My Dad totally ignored it and never spoke of it again when he caught me wearing one of Mom’s slips. I now believe my Mom knew more than I gave her credit for. I thought I was being pretty crafty, but I now realize if someone had been in my things, no way would I have missed it!
My Mom passed suddenly in the 90’s when I was still totally closeted and one of my big regrets is that I didn’t get to share this with her. I feel very strongly that she would have accepted this, and the daughter she longed for is here too.
So, a small message to those who still have their Mom’s with them. Tell her if you can, if you think she will be understanding. Being a parent myself I love my kids, and if one of them came out in some way to me, that wouldn’t change it for me.Test the waters if you need to of course, but try to share this with her before it’s too late.
Amy
Yes mom knew about my new found interest in nightgowns and panties after my sister told her that she had let me wear one of her nightgowns and panties and how much I liked wearing them. Mom had A talk with my sister and I about understanding why I felt the need to wear girls clothing because my dad was also into wearing feminine clothing as well as my uncle. Mon told me not to feel any shame and to enjoy my new found love but to keep it A family secret. My dad and I also had A long talk that night and that he was relieved that I knew about his crossdressing and didn’t have to worry about how I would take it if I ever found out about it. My mom had my sister give me the panties and nightie that she let me wear and bought her several new ones. she also gave me two slips that were to small for her and too nice to get rid of. Mom also bought me ten pair of white VF panties and A blue baby doll nightie. Mom would take my sister and I shopping at times and I would always come home with some new girly clothes. My sister’s friends also started giving me there cast offs so between mom and sister’s friends my dresser and closet were soon filled with so many beautiful clothes, but I always looked forward to those special gifts from mom.
My best guess is that she didn’t know. More often than not it would be pretend, like making a hobble skirt out of the bed covers going to sleep. Although I had desires as far back as I remember, sharing a room with 2 younger brothers means I didn’t have a lot of privacy. (I also have an older sister.)
If she did suspect, she would have no way to know who was going through her stuff. Things were packed very tightly in drawers. When cleaning out her apartment after she (and one brother who lived with her), what she had in pantyhose in one drawer took me two to semi-organize. So things weren’t that neat there anyway. Other things were so far down in the drawer that getting to them would mess them up anyway. I took home two girdles with tags still on therm (remember when they used to use small pins?) from department stores that had been closed 30+ years. So I don’t know if she even knew how much she had.
While I believe she would be accepting, you just never know for sure. I had long hair when I was young, but not because I wanted to be a girl or I was a rebel. I have an oily face, and every time I got my hair cut, the excess oil was no longer absorbed by my now cut hair and I would get pimples. So I started keeping it a little long just to prevent acne. My Dad didn’t like it, but would only complain to my Mom and never to me. I suspect he would have been less approving than my Mom, but I can’t know for certain.
My mom was very supportive. I actually started with just a frilly apron helping her bake. I asked play dress up and dress like her when I help her cook and clean. It wasn’t long before she was buying me girl’s panties, training bras, and a school uniform jumper for me. I had full access to a box of her old lingerie, girdles, nylons, slips etc, that I could dress in anytime. She added to my wardrobe as I grew older, so I always had pretty thing to wear with her. She loved seeing me dressed and being her daughter. I am so grateful to her for all her support and understanding, and everything thing she taught me over the years. As well as fostering my love of and appreciation girdles.
’
My mum dyed my hair blonde when I was 14.
We told my dad it was because I was a fan of the Beach Boys!
Great topic, unfortunately I will never know. I like to think she did, as I used to be home alone many times when young. I was the youngest and my two siblings were 7 and 8 years older than me. My Mom raised us as she was a single mom. As far back as I can remember I would look in her drawers when nobody was home. Afraid to touch anything in fear she might notice. So being resourceful I would check the hamper LOL. But some of her stuff was just too hard to resist. I wanted to try on what was in her drawers and over time I did, and it became pretty regular thing. I would try things on and would be very careful to put them back the way I found them. I am positive she had to know someone was going through her drawers, but this was back in the 60’s and it wasn’t something that was talked about. One day I found a new book in the bookcase it was “Everything you wanted to know about sex but were afraid to ask”. There was a section on Crossdressing, and I remember the page corner was folded over. Was that for me??? I don’t know but I always thought she knew and was trying to tell it was ok. She passed when I was 20 so never got the chance to ask her. Always have wished I had asked.
Yes,she figured it out after I was brought in her home as a foster kid when I was 10 years old.I saw she was open minded and seen me wearing a pair of her heels.Still in my life knowing inside I was transgender wanting to be one of the girls.She sees me as one happy transgender woman,a tgirl and daughter.Does not miss the son she adopted when I was 13.She helped me come out,it was when I was 20 when I came out as transgender
Yes, my mother knew. Matter of fact, she started it. I did something wrong one day, maybe an accident in my little pants. But mom put me into a cute little blue dress with ruffles and bows, some thin folder down socks and a pair of my sister’s mary janes. I had to go outside dressed like that and play with my older sisters and their friends. I was 4. Throughout the years it became second nature and I loved dressing up. Mom would encourage, support, as she and I dressed together ever so often. Mom started having something like sex with me, something that never really bothered me until I was 62 and the memories resurfaced. Now I know it was abuse, and I wasn’t at fault.
It didn’t really upset me too much. I loved my mom dearly. Her sharing the contents of her dainty things – I could wear anything I wanted! I was also taught the finer ways of hand washing these fine, womanly things. This continued clear up into my high school years, with my dressing on my own when I had the house to myself. If it was just mom and I, I could dress up and wander around the house or help her with housework. I grew into quite an affection for nylons and silky things, wearing many a barbie doll to bed at night (with mom waking me up early in the morning before dad got up to help me take off my nightie.
Mom and I eventually got to a place where we could talk about those days when I was younger. It was mostly about my forgiving her (she had that kind of childhood herself, her dad wanting only boys…). But it’s amazing what can happen through forgiveness. I loved mom with everything I had clear up until she passed away about 10 years ago. I cherish many of the times we were together, and I still incorporate many outfits similar to what mom had taught me. Beverly
I was never caught dressing while growing up and outside of my wife I was still deeply closeted by the time my Mom passed. Nevertheless I do believe she at least knew in her heart that I was different from all my other brothers in a gentler, more sensitive way. So I don’t think it would have been a terrible surprise to her and most likely she would have been very supportive and that belief makes me very happy today. I’m very interested in how my sibling sisters will react when I come out to them which I am planning to do in the not too distant future. I have an inkling that their reactions will be the same or similar to what my Mom’s may have been.
Kayla
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