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So I finally made the leap!
At the beginning of the year I decided that I will finally explore this area of myself more seriously and see what I can find out. Will I keep going like this half and half or will I dedicate myself a bit more, or maybe something else. So I set the goal of going out in public completely in female mode by July, but things happened that kinda made me change my mind (I am sure that some of you have experienced the see saw of emotion regarding dressing up where you feel like you can accept yourself, then next morning, bam! You want to throw everything away). Throughout the year I constantly battled with myself, sometimes accepting this side, other times rejecting it. So I figured the only way I will be able to find some clarity, and if it can be more than just doing it in private and living a stealth fem life, I mustered up the courage to go outside.
Where I am now, we have a long weekend (Monday is a bank holiday) and we are working from home due to the Covid pandemic, so I have been dressed casually in mixed gendered clothing for the last couple of weeks and it has been nice to be able to be dressed at times. I can answer work emails in my pjs, or sometimes even do meetings dressed up, but with the camera off. Sometimes wearing a specific, comfortable snug garment can just be relaxing.
This week, however, I’ve been dressed in mostly feminine clothing. I even went to work twice this week, and both times had a more feminine outfit on (mainly because almost no one was in the office), but no overt changes like make up or body shaping. After a long, and weird week, I decided that this weekend I will do nothing but play video games (replayed MGS1 and busy with 2 now), reading a little and maybe cooking/baking something. Just fun things that I like to enjoy. I painted my nails on Friday, a nice gloss black, and decided to practice make up a little after I went for a good jog. I am still way below where I want to be in that skill set, but I am getting there ;).
I decided I will make dumplings for myself on Saturday, but when the time came, I realised I didn’t have one of the most important ingredients, the meat! So I had to visit the shops, or not make the dumplings… I gave it some time and laziness won so I decided to go today. I didn’t want to remove the nail polish only to reapply it when I got back, and seeing that the masks we have to wear in public spaces (it has been made mandatory here) cover half our faces, I felt a little brave. I flipped flopped between going out in a feminine outfit, or just with the nails, and I decided to go all out.
I got dressed in a nice fitting pair of jeans, Converse sneakers, a hoodie, a wig and a cap to round off the outfit. I applied some eye make up and went outside. Quickly jumping in my car and driving around, nowhere in particular just yet, just solidifying the courage to actually step out of the car. As I got closer to the store (I selected one further away than the ones I usually frequent) I kept feeling this calmness and said to myself “No one is going to pay attention to you, there will be a lot of people going about their business”. As I park my car, quickly checking my phone before I got out, I also kept saying to myself “even if they do make you, your face is cover, you have a wig and a cap on, you’ll never see them again and they will never recognise you even if you do see them again”.
I slowly got out and walked to the entrance. I had to constantly calm myself as I got closer, got my hands sanitised and nobody shot me a look. There was a gaggle of people at the door, but I passed through without that dreaded laughter or pointing that the anxiety conjures up as the only logical conclusion to dressing in public for the first time. I grabbed the trolly and went straight for my goal, the meat. Walking felt strange, it didn’t feel real. It felt like any moment now, somebody, somewhere will call me out and everybody will stop, stare and point.
But nobody cared. I walked as if I belonged, because the secret to that is that I actually DO belong. At the core there is no difference between me or any other patron of the store, I was there to buy something, and so was everyone else. I grabbed the meat, then realised that I will also need a few other things. Instead of bolting to the nearest cashier and running out, I decided to slowly go through some of the aisles and grab what I might need this coming week. The fear I felt as I was driving up to the store, which turned into that “point of no return” anxiety, turned into pleasure and I enjoyed finally being outside.
As I turned a corner, I nearly bumped into someone, and I am sure that they made me, but I just didn’t care anymore. Granted the mask probably helped a lot, since it did allow for a greater sense of cover. I even went to the deodorants to grab a new fragrance and a new shaving razor. Then I finally decided to head to a cashier, only realising that the only necessary interaction with anyone at a supermarket is at the till!
I managed, with grace and luck, to slot in behind someone who was just leaving, so no extended waiting in a queue for me. I unpacked the few things, the cashier was friendly and we greeted each other. My voice was slightly gone from fear and trying to get back into my female voice (still practicing to sound passable, at the moment it isn’t 100% male, but more adolescent to teen I suppose). Not a second glance or a stare my way. Paid, took my bags and left for my car. Someone yelled “mister” to another guy walking in, and I instinctively thought I was made (again), but when I looked, I saw he was chasing someone else.
I got in my car, slowly left the parking lot and then started to giggle for most of the trip home. I finally did it! Even though this is probably on Easy mode since half my face is covered, but I still did it! When I got home, I decided that actually, since this is the perfect time to practice my make up, and the mask is covering half my face, giving me essentially dutch courage without the fun, maybe I should keep going out more and more. Maybe try going to the store at least once a week en femme? Build up my confidence while the going is easy. Build up my make up skills so that when I want to, I will be able to have enough confidence and look more passable than at present without a mask too.
Sorry for the long post, I was just really excited and wanted to share my experience. I also feel great since I finally fulfilled this goal and didn’t chicken out or felt rejected by this part of myself even if it is essentially in easy mode.
Charlotte, thank you for sharing this – even after more times out than I can remember, new places and experiences en femme can bring out similar nerves in me.
I had a lovely few days while the family were away on holiday, and went to 2 local supermarkets, each time pausing in the car, and feeling the doubts and panics kick in.
At the first stop, I chickened out completely.
I had a lovely calf length strappy summer dress on, with trainers – I thought it a really cute look – but I couldn’t get myself out of the car as I watched people going in and coming out.
I drove from the main car park at the back, and noticed a space in the small front park.
Once parked, I checked my reflection, put on my face mask, and, like diving into cold water, grabbed my purse and got out of the car, not giving myself a second for any further thoughts.
I paused at the doorway to allow two young women in gym gear into the store first, but they paused and said “No, after you!”, with lovely smiles.
The thought briefly occurred to me that, at that moment, I looked more feminine than they did, which raised an internal chuckle, which I could feel was making my eyes smile.
As eldest, I thanked them and carried on onside to make my purchases.
The store was reasonably busy, but nobody raised an eyelid, averted their gaze, or seemed to observe anything out of the ordinary in a 6′ 4″ “woman” shopping.
Emboldened, I completed checkout and drove to the next shop.
This has a multi story car park, and I almost paused again, not wanting to get out on the bright lights with people around
But I put this down to simple stage fright, and got myself into the shop, where the experience was marvellous!
A few of the female assistants asked me if I needed help, so I asked where certain items were, even though I could probably work it out. This extended to brief chats about how nice the weather was and so on, and I felt really glowing! Not a word about my appearance, just chat. This never happens in male mode!
At the till, a young lady accidentally jostled me to get to the checkout, turned around and apologised really nicely – so I claimed responsibility, smiled (hopefully with my eyes!) and left, feeling great!
I could feel the little skippy spring in my step as I made my way back to the car, the swish of my dress around my legs felt like heaven, and when I got back home, I felt like going out again!
I didn’t, though – one needs to be socially responsible these days.
But it’s great how being en femme can transform a simple, everyday task!
We’re so lucky.
Love Laura
Congratulations on your first trip out. You got most of the points right.
– No one is going to pay attention to you, there will be a lot of people going about their business
People don’t go to the stores to see if they can spot a male dressed as a female. And they are preoccupied with making sure they get everything on their list to notice.
– even if they do make you, your face is cover, you have a wig and a cap on, you’ll never see them again and they will never recognise you even if you do see them again
Very true. I have occasionally passed people I know while shopping en femme and they don’t recognize me. If you give out enough non-verbal clues that you are a woman, then people will not take enough notice to try to recognize your male self under there.
– I walked as if I belonged, because the secret to that is that I actually DO belong. At the core there is no difference between me or any other patron of the store
Your money is the same color as other patrons, and the same value. And yes, you do belong. Telling yourself you do belong gives you the confidence to walk through the store without drawing attention to yourself.
There are occasions where you may have interactions other than with the cashier. You may need to seek out help from the courtesy desk or a store employee to help find an item or if you have a problem. You may have to interact at the deli counter. A customer may ask if you are on line so as not to cut in front (this is more likely to happen with social distancing). Confidence in these interactions will come in time.
Clearly you had a good time, judging by your description and your giggling on the way home. If you keep it up, your confidence will just grow.
Good for you Charlotte, that’s what I found out when I finally went fully out. No one cares. Today I returned an item to Torrid and Macy’s. At Torrid the girl waiting on my told me she loved wearing seersucker clothing too. I engaged her in conversation about how I love their shoes and I don’t for a minute sound like a female. She told me I look wonderful and enjoy the day. So enjoy expanding your boundaries outside your home and you will enjoy each time you go out.
Carla
Congratulations, Charlotte!!
I am so glad you had a great first trip out! The mask certainly helps build confidence. I’m hoping to get out enough that I will muster the courage after masks are no longer required.
In my area, masks are required to enter restaurants and coffee shops, but can be removed once you are seated. On my first trip out a couple weeks ago, we stopped for lunch, hit up a couple breweries, and had dinner. I got the chance to be out with a mask, but then take it off at the table. I was nervous taking the mask off the first time, but it got easier as I gained confidence.
Maybe next time you will have to get a cup if coffee on your outing. Leaving that lipstick print on a coffee cup lid… proof you are a lady!! Choose your shade wisely! 🥰💋💄👄
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I love this!Sometimes it feels like a brag, that women (almost always women) compliment me on my appearance – it’s meant to be encouragement from real life, and I am so glad you have reported the same kind of experience!
I think more people get what we do – and love it – than don’t get it and hate it.
There is a minority of the latter, for sure, but as long as there are plenty of the former, if you want to go out, then do so, and love the experience! Haters gonna hate. Their loss.
Love Laura
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