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The past couple months have been incredibly busy for me and my family. New school year (grades 2 (7yo) and 4 (10yo)), volunteering for after-school/weekend activities, fundraising, and training a new employee at work have left me exhausted with little time to spend with Natalie.
Last weekend my family had an open Saturday, no commitments, nothing! I took full advantage of the ‘free day’ by taking a mid-day nap. There is nothing quite like an opportunity to catch up on some sleep, whenever possible!
My wife was going to manage the kids and their noise level so I could have a peaceful rest.About 75 minutes later I woke up, a little groggy yet refreshed and ready to take on the afternoon. I walked into the living room and noticed something was different. A mirror was taken off the wall. Odd. I then walked into the kitchen and saw the mirror on the tile floor, propped up against a leg of the kitchen table, and my makeup everywhere!
Shaking off the drowsiness I took inventory of the situation. Makeup brushes covered in every kind of makeup imaginable, eyeliner pencil cracked and sharpener missing, lipsticks smashed with tips beyond recognition, compressed powders broken and spread around the room like baking flour, eye shadow palette and blush completely unrecognizable.
Now, my kids have ‘borrowed’ my make up in the past and every time they do it gets trashed. In an effort to curb this from happening I’d purchased cheap makeup palettes for them to use, which I thought would solve my issue with their ‘borrowing’, alas my efforts were in vain.
Needless to say, I was unhappy with this situation. Not quite angry, just upset that there was little-to-no respect for my things. I looked at my wife with arms outstretched toward the bits and pieces remaining of my makeup, with a look of disgust on my face and asked “Really?”.
She looked up from Her phone and responded with “Did you want them to be quiet during your nap?”, and “I’ll buy you new makeup”.I do not believe my wife purposefully allowed the incidental destruction to occur, as she is accepting of my gender expression and encourages our entire family to be themselves. However, a little closer monitoring of their activity would have been appreciated.
Still fuming, I scanned the area for anything which was salvageable. Thankfully, some of my newer items appeared to be handled more gently, and my wife did hide some things she figured I didn’t want them using. Judging on the number of makeup remover wipes on the ground my kids had made themselves up several times during my absence.
Soon our kids came back into the room and began to apply makeup again and I found out why my makeup was in such bad shape. They were coloring they’re faces like they were using a Halloween face painting kit, mixing the colors to achieve their desired look. Seeing them play with the makeup I started to calm down.
They were not intentionally being disrespectful of my (Natalie’s) things, they were just having fun. I decided to give them my liquid foundation, an old eyeshadow palette which I had been using less often, all the brushes, application sponges, and blush. The silver lining with this situation, as my wife pointed out, was the opportunity to explore makeup options which are more appropriate for my skin tone.
So, that’s exactly what I did.
Today after taking some time to procure other items for an upcoming girl’s weekend, I went into the local Ulta Beauty shop and asked for assistance from one of the makeup specialists. Surprisingly, I was not nervous or anxious about asking for assistance even though the store seemed busy on a Monday around noon.
The store manager asked if I needed help, my reply was quick and simple, “Yes, lots!”. “I am a part-time crossdresser and would like to select the correct foundation and concealer for my complexion.”
The manager got one of their makeup specialists to help me. She was fantastic! After quickly assessing my face, she selected a full coverage foundation from Estee Lauder which matches my natural skin tone very well! We then moved over to the concealer to manage the dark circles under my eyes. After a few attempts we found one which looked natural and brightened up my eyes very well. Though these few items and a setting spray cost more than all of the makeup my kids destroyed I am overall very happy with the result of this situation.
-Natalie
Hey Natalie, After you’re fully rested maybe take the kids out to a real costume/makeup store and bring some makeup and books back just for them (and maybe a sewing machine and material too). Then sit down with them and help them create the costume of a lifetime. Who knows, maybe they will grow up to appreciate stagecraft and makeup too? That’s how I started. Hugs, Marg
Hi Marg,
That’s a great idea! I could see my son particularly being interested in stagecraft.
I have been considering picking up sewing as a personal hobby for many years. The local park district has a learning to sew class which caught my eye, but until my life slows down again I can’t see myself dedicating additional time to a new activity!!!
Still, the opportunity to acquire a sewing machine and start teaching myself via YouTube is always an option.
For what it’s worth I did sew a Halloween costume for myself many years ago, by hand. It was a bear onesie with zip up front. I was surprised at how well I did given the lack of sewing experience at the time.
-Natalie.
Ooooh be careful if you get a sewing machine and leave it around. You may come home someday and find the kids working away on it all by themselves and then offering to teach you (that’s what happened with our first family cell phones). And major props to you for hand sewing a costume! That took a lot of perseverance. BTW, I started into stagecraft and makeup many years ago with gore, horror, monsters and regular 8 film. Happy Halloween, Marg
Thanks, Sarah!
Initially, I was very upset about the lack of care taken to tools which I use to enhance my feminine presentation. However, over time I became less aggravated with the help of my wife, who has a tendency to calm me down and reset my expectations in a constructive way.
-Natalie.
I found I could really relate to your anger in the situation. I grew up in a home that really emphasized private property and respecting others’ stuff, so your reaction is much like what mine would have been. You did a good job turning it around, and you got some new stuff, so you turned into a win.
I was thinking it was good you didn’t freak out, you don’t want your children to associate your (or your dressing) with negative feelings and anger.
Freaking out is aligned with how I historically would have reacted to the scenario. However, last year after a major mental health incident I ended up enrolling myself in a course offered through my healthcare provider called, Managing Stress and Anger.
The lessons I learn during that course have been incredibly helpful for me. The saddest part was that I wasn’t associating my reactions to things which made me upset as “anger”.
I am grateful for taking the course and realizing that I needed to temper the way I responded to adverse situations. If it weren’t for the Managing Stress and Anger course I likely would have “Freaked out”.
Honestly, I hadn’t thought about how reacting poorly to the situation could have impacted their fires on gender expression. Yet another thing to be grateful for!
-Natalie
My father used to get angry all the time, about everything. It was only well after I had left home that I realized that he had been taught that the only way men should show negative feelings was as anger. So any unpleasant feelings he has (fear embarrassment, nervousness, sadness, etc) all get translated into anger. Understanding this in myself, helps me process and express my feelings in healthier ways. My dad does better now too. It also says something about gender norms.
That’s interesting. I’m glad to hear your father is less angry, and you are actively working to break that cycle of angry frustration in your personal life.
My anger issues are deep seated from childhood and is something which was definitely learned at home. My mother was very quick to anger, and would yell often. My father however, was, and still is a quiet person who is slow to frustration.
It wasn’t until I took the Managing Stress and Anger class earlier this year that I learned that my childhood experience was not “normal”. I’m trying to be better about not transferring this trait to my children, but it requires making time to meditate or take mindfulness breaks by walking away from moments of intense frustration. It’s by no means perfect, but better than it was.
You handled it well and all ended well, it is nice for children to express themselves too- within reason of course.
Agreed, Angela!
We have what I like to call a “Rainbow Family”, we all seated at very different positions on the gender spectrum. We encourage our kids to explore their gender expression in ways that make them comfortable, but are also safe.
As I mentioned in the post, I often need to remind myself that they are not intending to destroy my makeup. I am glad they feel comfortable to go into my things and not feel that they’ll be scolded if they do, but a lesson in being respectful of others possessions is important.
Since the event I have moved my makeup to a secret location. I dislike doing this as I am trying to be more open with my gender expression, but I am fearful of the next round of makeup play…
-Natalie.
Natalie,
It sounds like you handled the situation very well. The long term effects cannot be measured, given the way you responded. On the other hand, had you reacted very poorly, I’m sure you would have done some kind of damage to them and to your relationship with them.
Your story should serve to be both a reminder and an inspiration of how we all can handle stressful situations, especially with children. Great job!
Hugs, Jill
Thanks, Jill!
I often need to be reminded that my natural reaction to adverse scenarios can be unhelpful or hurtful to the situation or people involved (ie kids). Taking a beat (or 10) allows me time to respond in a reasonable and helpful way.
Doing so is not “easy”, but if I am able to remain mindful of the situation the likelihood of a reaction reduces precipitously.
-Natalie.
Maybe now that you have your “perfect” foundations and concealers, you can create a makeup kit for them and one for you (not in hiding) and ask that they not use yours. Teach them that there’s nothing wrong with their curious exploration, but that it’s important to respect other’s belongings. BTW, I can see my grandkids (4yo boy & 7yo girl) possibly doing exactly the same thing, were I to actually have a complete stash of my own.
Raquel,
Thant would be the perfect scenario. My kids have been respectful of other personal affects and belongings, but the since the makeup is not something that’s incredibly visible (prior to the incident in a hard to reach cabinet in the bathroom) it just wasn’t something I, or they, actively thought about.
Giving them a makeup kit that they can keep in their room is a great idea! Time to load up on overstock makeup!
In my ideal scenario I won’t need to hide my feminine side anymore. I’ve been making strides toward being comfortable at home with my family. If I can manage it without needing to lock it away I think it will be all-around better for my mental health.
-Natalie
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