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With all that’s going on with my fiancé and I I’m still trying to be affectionate toward her because I do love her.
When I go to kiss her she won’t even meet me halfway and then I get this flat lipped uncaring kiss followed by her look of disgust. Really makes me feel good. Might as well kiss a wall.
Jessica;
How do I say this properly. You’ve just turned her world upside down; She’s not going to feel like being affectionate until such time she’s sorted her feelings out.
Even years after coming out to my wife, I still get this reaction if she’s thinking about my feminine side, but at least the affection is there most of the time now.
You’re going to have to be incredibly patient and expect it’s going to take her a very long time to be as she was. If you were thinking hours and days, you need to start thinking potentially weeks/months, or months / years.
– Molly
I hope it’s working itself out…
But that doesn’t sound ‘healthy’ relationship-wise. There’s no easy answer. Patience? Maybe she’ll come round? Warm up a bit…ofcourse, the opposite is entirely possible. It’s somewhat of a lonely road we chose to pave with these decisions we make as a result of who we are with this *affliction* (?) I’m fortunate in that I don’t engage myself in a permanent relationship, I’ve no idea how I would balance that or expect another to do so. I can only empathize with the struggles of this nature, and sincerely, I hope it works out for the best…
Hi Jessica, just read you posts this morning. I have to agree with Molly. I recently came out about my desire to Cd to my family an Best friend (who’s also my ex). That was 3 weeks ago. They and I to an extent are still in shock. These relationships don’t even have a sexual aspect to them. She’s got to figure out how she feels about your femme side. time and understanding are the only options.
Love Tish
Hi Jessica
Having been down this road myself I’m going to go against the grain here and say this. What are you getting out of this relationship? In my case I finally realized the harassment and put downs were not worth it. Divorce sucks but you also have to balance your self worth in it. Nope life ain’t perfect now but I’m not getting the cold shoulder from someone who is supposed to love me. That stuff HURTS. Hang in there you’ve done nothing wrong only acknowledged who you really are. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. Contact me anytime.
I would suggest doing as many of the things you enjoy together as possible: treat her as a friend more than a lover for now.
She’s obviously very confused by it all still – I think that my wife is only properly getting her head around it 2 years down the line – and it’s not like I haven’t dropped hints over the past 20 years or so – on our 2nd Valentine’s day, I presented her with a maid’s outfit.
That didn’t go down as well as the champagne, chocolates and strawberries, so I put it on and started to tidy her student apartment. We had a lot of fun!
And still, despite this and other cross dressing episodes, the penny obviously hadn’t dropped, hence the talk.
We’ve had several discussions, many of which didn’t go well – I got to a point after my first couple of Brighton outings where I realised that I really could be myself and nobody else has any right to tell me who I am or how I can present myself, so I put my foot down in a manly way (driven by the strong female inside), and told her outright that her attitude is bigoted.
Because that’s the truth.
It was a massive risk, but I felt that a good future depends on big risks every now and then. It was my feeling and I acted on it – I wasn’t looking for a reply, and she didn’t have one, unusually for a lawyer.
Our relationship has been improving since I dropped that bombshell – I can’t recommend it for everyone – but the point is that you do need the patience and provide the support and friendship your SO needs – but you have the right to your own space and needs too.
For me, cross dressing is a need. I won’t expand on this occasion, but I recognise it as one, therefore I will defend and protect that space.
But I also defend and protect my wife’s space, and try to be a good father to our children and a good companion to her, whatever that means.
Being locked in together seems to have brought back some of the original spark in our relationship at last – it’s only taken 18 months, but it’s going well, so it does and can work.
I’ve said other defensive stuff too – but at long intervals. One carefully chosen phrase that acts like a hand grenade. But a grenade packed with truth, and the intent of driving understanding – analysed for side-effects of division, which is not the intent.
Yes, the word “Bigot” is harsh and laced with all kinds of misunderstanding – but, to an English graduate like my wife, it was a perfect hit.
That’s why it worked for me, but may not for others. I knew she will have thought about it, and why I chose that word.
“”A person who is obstinately or unreasonably attached to a belief, opinion, or faction, especially one who is prejudiced against or antagonistic towards a person or people on the basis of their membership of a particular group.”
It takes time and patience, but you won her over once, enough to decide upon getting married.
You can do it again – you’re the same person!
The best of luck to you in 2021 and beyond!
Love Laura
I finally found someone who “gets me” and accepts ALL of me. For most of my life, although having a wife, I felt so lonely and starved for affection and endured those kind of hurtful remarks. That was before finding Stephanie within. I divorced late in life and found happiness and the freedom to be me. I met a wonderful woman who accepted and loved all of me and we discovered Stephanie together. I truly hope that you can work things out. Think about whether you are willing to accept your current situation for years to come. Best of luck… Stephanie
Hi Jessica,
I feel for you. I put off telling my wife for several years, especially after finding out her 1st husband liked to dress a bit, and she hated it. She still does.
Because of my grooming and the clothes I wear, we have been intimate with each other maybe twice in as many years, longer perhaps. It is a double edged sword for me, as I worry she will find intimacy in someone else’s arms. Especially when she says things like, “I want a real man”, or expresses that if she did have a male friend to go do things with, she would. That could be completely innocent, or lead to something more.
It is very difficult and consider giving up everything I do because of it. But at the same time I think, I’ve gone so long keeping it all in I cannot deprive myself anymore.
No telling what the outcome will be. Lately I get the sense she is preparing to ask me to leave, or leave herself.
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