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  • #397957
    Jessica Wilde
    Participant
    Registered On: October 5, 2020
    Topics: 27
    Replies: 110
    Has thanked: 143 times
    Been thanked: 815 times

    I have been wrestling with what to call this subject/post. The only thing I could come up with was the title I placed on it.

    So my fiancé and I have been struggling with and talking about acceptance of my CD. She totally doesn’t understand it at all. I feel I have totally ruined our relationship because I told her about it. Telling her was quite possibly the worst thing I could have ever done.

    She’s all pissed and I’m so distraught and confused and conflicted that I can’t even get my pint across to her about how I feel. The whole thing is a horrid mess. She’s crying, I’m crying, everyone is crying. She has no one to talk to, I only have you girls to talk to and that’s not in real time. Jesus christ all mighty this is a mess. All because I chose to tell the truth. Sweet Jesus if I could go back in time and make this decision over I would have never told her.

    I now have to swallow the truth and tuck it way down deep inside where I used to keep it and ignore it like I used to do. I have to suppress what I think is a wonderful part of me because the woman I love doesn’t like it. Such is the life of a CD. This is what we do because no one accepts us. I love myself as I am. She doesn’t. I love her and therefore I have to man up and not be the bitch I can be at times. So suck it up buttercup! Man up and swallow that pain like a real man!

    I’m gonna save my relationship despite the personal sacrifice. That’s what we do for our loved ones!

    5 users thanked author for this post.
Viewing 9 reply threads
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    • #398350
      Patty Phose
      Participant
      Registered On: May 7, 2016
      Topics: 0
      Replies: 1422
      Has thanked: 1011 times
      Been thanked: 3448 times

      So sorry your talk went badly Jessica. It seems like in most cases it does. I hope you can repair the damage that was caused.

    • #398133
      Jessica Wilde
      Participant
      Registered On: October 5, 2020
      Topics: 27
      Replies: 110
      Has thanked: 143 times
      Been thanked: 815 times

      You made a statement at the end of your post “because that is what we do for our loved ones”. Why does this have to be one way? If she is not willing to do the things for her loved one, is it really fair? I am not suggesting she is the one who should suck it up, but if she is worth keeping, and I believe she could be even though she is not happy to find out about your feminine side, you two should be able to talk and work out a compromise.

      Just my opinion on this.

       

      Cass

      Good point. She and I have always had the 50/50 mentality with our relationship so maybe she will take that into account in this situation

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #398098
      Maria Pink
      Participant
      Registered On: October 18, 2020
      Topics: 3
      Replies: 73
      Has thanked: 139 times
      Been thanked: 252 times

      Jessica I am sorry that you are going through this situation. I understand how you must feel that telling her was the biggest mistake. Personally I believe you did the honest, correct, courageous and noble thing by telling her. I was in two marriages that failed and I partly but not completely blame the failures on not being able to tell them about my feelings and my desires to dress and being able to be the real me hiding inside. Holding it in for so long and not being able to express myself took a toll on not only my mental state but my physical state as well. Near the end I was pushing them away so I could get to a point I could be me. If they would have known or I had the courage to tell them maybe things would have been different. In the end honesty is best for all involved so please don’t blame yourself for telling her how you feel. If you didn’t you might have wound up like me with the “what if game” playing in your head. My best advice I can give is now that it is out is to talk to each other and compromise as much as you can. If you truly love each other I think time can work this out. All the luck in the world to both of you.

       

      Maria

      6 users thanked author for this post.
    • #398076
      Cassie
      Participant
      Registered On: August 28, 2020
      Topics: 4
      Replies: 22
      Has thanked: 32 times
      Been thanked: 148 times

      You made a statement at the end of your post “because that is what we do for our loved ones”. Why does this have to be one way? If she is not willing to do the things for her loved one, is it really fair? I am not suggesting she is the one who should suck it up, but if she is worth keeping, and I believe she could be even though she is not happy to find out about your feminine side, you two should be able to talk and work out a compromise.

      Just my opinion on this.

       

      Cass

      5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #398052
      Kay Anderson
      Participant
      Registered On: June 1, 2020
      Topics: 17
      Replies: 554
      Has thanked: 5620 times
      Been thanked: 2950 times

      Dear Jessica,

      I came out to my wife over 20 years ago. It was a few years into our marriage. Luckily it worked for me. I am sorry about the pain you and your fiance are going thru. I have read some many of these stories, from one end of the spectrum to the other. I know you regret telling her. But you were honest and that should not be a bad thing.

      I was watching a youtube video about a person who transitioned. They told the story how they were at work and got the phone call from their wife. She thought he was having an affair, she found some panties. He rushed home to tell her they belonged to him. And he told her he was a crossdresser. Their marriage fell apart. He went on to transition. The only reason that I am telling this story is, not telling our SO has risk also. I suppose you could not tell them, and never own any clothing. Could they find your membership at CDH on your phone or computer? Everything has risk. Many of us suppressed our feelings for decades and have come to regret it. Please don’t beat yourself up. You were honest.

      You are a good person. Crossdressing is not the evil that some make it out to be. Not sure if you want to hear this but, please be kind to yourself! Punishing yourself is not good for your health or your mental state. It will not solve anything.

      Hugs to you!!!

      Kay

      7 users thanked author for this post.
    • #398051
      Celeste Starre
      Participant
      Registered On: June 26, 2018
      Topics: 26
      Replies: 616
      Has thanked: 152 times
      Been thanked: 1704 times

      My thought is that there are 7.8 billion people in this world and half of them are female. Find one that you can love and who loves you. Personally I would rather live alone than with someone who hated who I was.

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #398049
      Joan Michaels
      Participant
      Registered On: July 24, 2020
      Topics: 0
      Replies: 15
      Has thanked: 25 times
      Been thanked: 61 times

      Some Rules:

      1. Don’t be surprised by your girlfriends/wife’s reaction, whatever it is.  Furthermore, don’t try to control it.

      2. Give your girlfriend/wife space if she asks for it.

      3. Take each day as a new learning opportunity.

      4. Don’t totally compromise your new freedom for the sake of pleasing someone else.  You’ve put the ball out on the playing field now run with it.

      5. Don’t be selfish.

      6. Don’t make promises you can’t keep.  Be honest, with yourself and with others.

      7. Find ways to keep your mind off your anguish.

      8. Don’t be goaded into name calling.

      9. Don’t think you can see the future.

      10. See Tough Love for what it is.

    • #398047
      Molly
      Participant
      Registered On: October 22, 2018
      Topics: 2
      Replies: 249
      Has thanked: 1263 times
      Been thanked: 761 times

      Jessica;

      From someone who finally admitted it and came out after 20+ years of marriage (We’re now into 32 years);   Do not underestimate the difficulty of what you’re proposing.   You and your fiance are negotiating a behaviour set that you plan to stick to for the rest of you lives together.   And if I dare say it: “Without either of you being fully aware of what you’re asking or agreeing to.”

      I will say that I think you’ve done the right thing.   Imagine 10 years from now if you’d come out to her and said you knew before the marriage happened.  It probably would have been way worse.  It hurts now for both of you, but given her reaction, it would have hurt a lot more later.

      I truly hope that you find a way through this and end up with a stronger and happier relationship for both of you to build a life on.

      -Molly

      5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #398018
      Stevie Steiner
      Ambassador
      Registered On: June 11, 2020
      Topics: 26
      Replies: 637
      Has thanked: 2900 times
      Been thanked: 3144 times

      Hey Jessica,

      I am sorry to hear about your situation, I think we would all love to have that button to turn back time with.  Now however, the genie is out of the lamp and can’t really be returned, can it?  You did come out as a CD, ( and congrats for having the courage ), and we are what we are.  Even becoming “inactive” in your crossdressing isn’t going to change that.   The fact is you are out, and I truly hope that with time your situation improves.

      Good luck, I hope things do work out!

      Stevie

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #398008
      Olivia Livin
      Participant
      Registered On: October 22, 2018
      Topics: 35
      Replies: 1461
      Has thanked: 6377 times
      Been thanked: 3441 times

      I try to be supportive towards the author whenever possible but am struggling with this one. Life is about choices and we are each free to make our own, experience has shown that living only to fit someone elses view is not a sound one.

      Good luck with that.

      2 users thanked author for this post.
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