The rest of the story…..

[Laura Jane]

So I finished up “My earliest memories” describing my formative years. Always looking for a chance to express my girlie side. I used to “tuck” myself between my legs to make it look like I was a girl.. I’d gaze longingly at myself in the mirror and fantasize about being a real girl. …. and sneaking  in from playing outside with my friends when i got the urge to dress.  About 6th grade my neighbor , Mrs R … offered to dress me up as a girl for Halloween… she described the dress and for some reason it didn’t appeal to me. I was worried about looking like I enjoyed it too much or walking with a swish and giving away my deepest desire. I declined the offer and much to my chagrin when I was a frosh in high school and doing my homework at the kitchen table… a very prettily made up girl in a gorgeous early 20th  century outfit… long lacy gown with a bustle…came to the rear door trick or treating….. it turned out to be Mrs. R’s son and I then realized what I gave up three years prior…. opportunity lost for sure…. but I was concerned about being “outed”. So there’s that…. lol

I continued through high school and became bolder… If the folks and my brother were going to be out for an hour. I didn’t waste that time…. One time I was fully dressed… enjoying my role playing in the polka dot dress again….. (btw, that girdle I tried on when I was five… finally fit)   when my grandfather (my grandparents lived in the flat above us) walked into the kitchen to read our newspaper…. uhoh…. warning bells went off and my heart almost came out of my chest….. I had the good luck to close the door to the room I was in where he would have  easily been able to catch a glimpse of his granddaughter… but it would not have been unusual for him to come into the room which had a TV….. anyway… I thought to myself after a while …so what if he found me like I was….. it would have been a relief to get this out in the open…. I was first hiding down behind   a bureau but stood up and was ready to face the music…..   well… he opened the kitchen door and went upstairs, ;leaving me to my own devices…. I was of course relieved but something inside me wanted someone to know about who I really was.

Was also almost caught by three of my friends who came to my door, wanting me to go out with them…. I quickly took off my slip and “breasts”.. put on a pair of pants and sweatshirt to answer the door…. luckily I hadn’t put on any makeup yet…. I declined their offer to go out and  no one noticed my stockinged feet… wasn’t so lucky one day in high school when I had put on some makeup before school and was not so thorough in removing my eye shadow…. a classmate  (it was an all boys school) complimented my choice of eye color…. jeez….. I was embarrassed, headed to the men’s room to finish the makeup removal….. nothing was ever said again about it….

High school years filled with the desire to be a  girl….  I was walking with a very pretty girl who had on gorgeous high heels…. and she “clacked” along as we walked. I became aroused by the thought of wearing such a wondrous invention as high heeled pumps….

I was a football player in high school and college and any  hint of me being feminine would have been disastrous…. college years and post college were completely dressing free (except when I got home) .. the desire to dress never left me….. just remembered that during a high school  football game once I was on the sideline admiring a very cute cheerleader for the opposing team… I had two thoughts… Gee I’d love to date her….. and Gee I’d love to be a cheerleader.  I wound up dating her briefly … but was a total jerk for some reason and that was that,,,,

I was in the service and took some chances to sneak some feminine time….. boy was I  desperate… took some unnecessary chances that almost but didn’t quite backfire.

Met my wife and thought marriage would damper my desire to dress…… NOT. Long story short I came out to her one night about 5 years into the marriage after donning one of her nightgowns, getting into bed  and announcing that I was a transvestite.. no sh!!  sherlock… I mean the nightgown didn’t give me away.  She was worried that I was either gay or wanted to change my sex. I told her that I just liked dressing up. We both went to therapists about it…. mine had no experience with crossdressers and I only lasted about three sessions. Over the next fifteen to twenty years I cross dressed often with my wife’s approval (tacit as it was) and we wound up being able to take it to another level in bed….. when dressed, my sex drive was through the roof and was pleasing to us both…. ok… so all is not peaches and creme as I managed to muck it up with my desperation at times when I couldn’t dress. With three kids, I had scant opportunity to dress and it showed in my demeanor….. I was short tempered and nasty and caused much hurt within the family… they couldn’t figure out what was bothering me…. of course, I was the judgmental one and was a total ass with my family…. another long story short….. dressing became less frequent and our sex life turned sour…. it wasn’t all about my frusta=rations about dressing.. my family was quite disfunctional and that hurt our relationship

I will forever regret my demeanor with the family and especially my wife… it was so harmful on many levels. One thing I learned though is that lack of communication was a major cause of my problems…. writing all this is a way for me to express myself and finally…. COMMUNICATE

Flash forward a few years…. I had kept a stash and dressed on occasion but regretfully completely purged about 10 years ago….. my wife encountered a number of health issues and she passed away recently (as I mention in my profile).

So I am here today, expressing grief at her passing and regret for my actions which caused her so much pain. You have it all …my story….the good, the bad and the ugly.

Dressing brings me relief from the stresses of life and I want to thank all of you ladies for your kind acceptance and understanding……. I have been dressed all day today for the first time since I purged over 10 years ago and plan to do the same tomorrow……  feels so good even in my  limited girlie attire. I’ll be stocking up and plan to go forward  being as true to myself as possible….. I’m so glad to have found CDH to be able to  get this off my breasts…. errr… my chest (lol… had to end this on the light side.)

Peace and love to you all.

Laura

[Alice Underwire]

Hi Laura,

Welcome to CDH.  So sorry to hear of your loss.  May your dressing continue to bring you some comfort.

Alice

[Dana Dean]

Thank you for sharing the rest of your story as hard as it was. Sorry for your loss. I like to think we look back and learn from our past and move forward wiser. Please continue to keep moving forward.

Dana🍷

[Cassie Jayson]

Thanks for your story Laura.  Bringing peace and a sense of fulfillment is a good description for many of us here.  I hope you continue to find your true self.

 

Sandy

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