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Hey all!
Partner here to a recently out CD. I accept it as part of him. I love him and know this has been, and always will be, a part of him. The degree to which I want to be involved in it remains limited right now (I’m open and want to be accepting of all change, but that doesn’t mean I can guarantee I will). At this point, he wants to do it in private and has no desire to share it. I love this. Out of sight, but definitely not out of mind (in the supportive kind of way!). One of the hardest parts for me though is fearing that one day the CD will reach a point that I cannot fully support for my own mental health. I fear being a reason my boyfriend is suppressed. For those of you with significant others, who accept you, but have set boundaries (such as not being an overly active participant), can you say that you continue to remain truly happy in your life and relationship?
Love to all,
Cortney
Hi Cortney,
Welcome to CDH. Do you know about the Significant Other Group? (see the Groups tab at the top right). Your CD partner is the same person you fell in love with. They have invited you deeper into their life. For some, that may be a gateway to increased intimacy. With that intimacy comes an opportunity for both of you to work on your fears. As Rumi said, “meet me in the garden where there is no right or wrong.” Good luck with everything!
– Robyn
Hi Robyn!
Thank you for your response. I have found that group and CDH has been so helpful in validating what I’m experiencing. I’m grateful for this site. I’m also seeking therapy for myself, as I do believe many of my difficulties with learning this new part of my partner may derive from my own insecurities. Hoping that, as everyone seems to say, things will get better with time. I’m only a week in, with hopefully a lifetime to go. ♥️
Hi Cortney,
I came out to my SO just over 6 months ago and the big thing I’ve found out in that time is that it’s a roller coaster or a ride for us both. She buys me clothes and accessories and acknowledges my need but occasionally withdraws a little, as if to reign me in maybe? Last weekend I dressed Friday, Saturday and Sunday evenings and told her on Sunday that I felt incredibly happy. I live within her limits, as it has to be. She is afraid I will want to take it further, such as going out etc. She has expressed concern that I may wish to stay in rather than go out as we do enjoy our frequent nights out. I do but I realise what she has given me is more than I could ever have hoped for. As to our relationship, it seems every bit as good as it was before but I often feel and wonder whether she is putting on a brave face. Then again, she is a woman who is honest and would tell me if there was a problem (or would she about this?). While I want to tell the world, she wants it secret. We now compare fashion taste and she often includes me in her online shopping expeditions. I wonder is she realised what was coming as ever since I met her, I’ve enjoyed shopping for her clothes (unlike many men) secretly wanting them for myself. Open minded people make open minded relationships, and she is very open minded and has told me how much she appreciates that she is the only one I’ve ever told such a secret and extremely personal thing to. You seem wonderful and your partner is very fortunate (compared with others girls on here who have to dress in secret). I wish you both the best for the future and the hope that it brings you closer.
Carla x
Hi Cortney,
My wife was fairly supportive at first even buying me shoes and bras at goodwill and she had boundaries I could live with.However when I acted feminine while trying on some cloths it changed my wife.
she became lless and less supportive and said I turn her off intimately now.
Without her support I am not happy in my boundaries anymore.
I feel I have no reason to remain within them anymore.
Patty
Hi Cortney nice to meet you and as a CD my Wife an i have been married 37 years and i came out to her just after we were married so its been a work in progress.. she supports me and accepts me as two people her husband and a girlfriend .. I have never been out of the house we have ups and downs as she had a pacemaker a few years ago then it was a cancer removed between the two she lost her drive lets say so thats out of equasion we are still happy and she and i cuddle sometimes and watch a movie curreled up with each other .. i wouldnt change anything as we are planning to go to gether to Keystone connferance in march of 2022 in harrisburg pa . So please have an open mind about all of this and keep communifications open and listen to her heart and you will become a sweet girlfriend to her hope this helps if you need to chat further pm me good luck girlfriend ..
Stephanie Bass
Hi, and welcome, Cortney
Short answer, yes
Longer one, my wife is fully supportive, and encourages me to go out(once i shave my beard, lol)
Unfortunately, our physical intimacies ended some time ago, for medical reasons, but in every other area, she and I, could not b happier, she has gained an extremely close girlfriend, while still retaining her “man”, when he is needed.
Hope this helps,
Hugs, RegiIn my experience, which is all I can offer, there are so many factors involved in a happy marriage that crossdressing is pretty low on that list. My now wife of almost 15 years found out before we were married, she has struggled with it at times, mostly early on. She accepts it pretty well these days, but doesn’t and has never wished to be involved directly. She has bought me some things over the years, asked to see me dressed once or twice, never in the bedroom though or participated and that’s fine. Recently, as my crossdressing has evolved, I went out dressed for the first time in October to join a group of cross dressers and she was very supportive.
With us, I am grateful for anything she can give me for support because I know crossdressing is not in her wheelhouse and that’s fine. I don’t really need her to be directly involved, I just need her support and that’s what she gives me. Would it be nice if she was more involved? Sure, but I don’t need it and I’m happy with where we are at. As she she says, marriage and life in general is a roller coaster and if I like wearing cloths meant for women once in a while it’s really not a big deal it’s just cloths (and wigs and makeup lol). I believe your involvement is up to you, but your support can mean just as much if not more then anything else you can do.
My wife did my makeup again last night and as nice as it feels to have her apply it on me, what was even more enjoyable was gazing upon her facial expressions while she was doing it. She was honestly enjoying herself and when she got my eyes just right hers lit up, priceless. You might want to ask him if he would let you do that for him, it’s a terrific bonding experience.
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This is great advice. Dont wait for him to talk to you about it, you can ask him too. The fact you are on here is great, shows you want to learn, he is lucky.
Many of us are ashamed of this side of us and the thought of talking to someone about CDing can be paralysing, if he doesnt mention it for weeks I guarantee hes thinking about it every day, probably every hour!
My answer is no, marriage is on the rocks.
Hi Cortney,
I will start out with saying that I have a fully accepting and supportive wife. I will also say that we discovered Stephanie together and our relationship has evolved with honesty and boundaries. I am totally happy to be her “MAN” and be there for her as needed in that capacity. She really likes Stephanie also and there is a place for both. I will have to say that my love for her grows because of her acceptance. It makes me so happy when she picks out some cute panties or an outfit for me while shopping. I usually only wear my go to girly drab while shopping (with her) anymore (her choice): girls skinny jeans, blouse and shoes/booties with jewelry and mascara. She brought me to tears on Stephanie’s first Christmas when she gave me a handmade skirt. Possibly you could go shopping together and pick out something for him/her and insist on “modeling” it at home. Even if it is just a pair of panties I know that it would mean the world to him/her. Keep in mind that it is just clothes. The same person is there regardless, just now you know all of him/her. I hope that the love that y’all share will grow as you both are open and honest. Stephanie
July of last year I recognized this was a real part of me and have been open with my wife. Like many, she was concerned and scared at first that she could lose me. But we’ve explored this together, and our relationship has strengthened through it all. We went out together to some shops last week with me dressed for the first time and had a great afternoon. After it, she asked Bridgette out on a date, whenever we’re allowed the chance. She actually gave me the name Bridgette, and taught my first makeup lesson, and bought Christmas gifts for Bridgette. She’s my rock, my best friend, she’s just everything to me, and her active participation is probably the most impactful part of this process that has allowed me the confidence to move forward in this.
Bridgette vS
Cortney;
I have been married to the same lovely lady for over 35 years now, and we have been very happy, with grown up children, and for us the crossdressing has brought us closer together.
Let me go into a bit more detail, my wife always knew I had a fondness for wearing women’s lingerie from early on in our relationship and was fine it. I went on like this for many many years, but back in the 90’s I had the desire to dress up completely with clothes, makeup, etc. I should also tell you that all through that period, and up till a couple of years ago I always had a full beard. When I dressed I sometimes would wear a veil to cover my manly looking beard! Then one Halloween I bought a wig and added that to my collection to. The thing is I was quite happy just doing this a few times a year, and didn’t have much of a wardrobe either.
Even though this had been a steady thing every couple of months or so, around 2015 16/17 I was feeling the pull again to dress more often and more completely. One of my personality traits is I cannot hide things very well, so that is at least in part why I never hid this side from her. I do not how I could, being who and what I am.
Finally I gave in to my long time desire! My wife was more than a bit concerned, but after talking it through and she realized that I’m not wanting to leave our relationship in any way, she became accepting and supportive. Then I wanted to go out en femme, and that took a bit of time for her to adapt to also. We were invited to a crossdressing picnic one time, and she came along with me! Her first time meeting other CD’s and out with me femme on femme. She very rather nervous, but then had a great time. There were other couples there too, so it just wasn’t all crossdressers, and the GG’s in the bunch took time to make sure she felt welcome and comfortable.
At this point she has been out with me to several dinners with other CD’s, however has not come out clothes shopping with me! I do that en femme, and in drab. Of course all of this fun stuff has been on hold for a while now, due to this Covid outbreak.
Now we shop together online and in person as a couple, some stores we frequent know about my femme side, others might guess, as we don’t shop like a typical couple.
So, that’s us, and has been working well. However I do intentionally limit my dressing at home, as I know she doesn’t want to see me dressed up every day, even though I often feel like I could. But every relationship is a bit different, and you have to find that happy medium which you can both live with.
About suppressing this. Well, since this seems to be a frowned upon activity (which I don’t think it should be) we end up having to suppress this for so much of our lives, and for some it is a habit which is near impossible to break! Some have been punished when young for borrowing Mom’s or Sister’s clothes, others have had different negative pressures put on them. The real key is that this is something inside of us which we never asked for, and don’t really understand, but also never goes away. If you have read through many of things here you will have read about the “pink fog”, which is that strong overwhelming desire, NEED to get dressed up, which seems to wax and wane in most of us, and again for reasons we can’t consciously comprehend, but gets stronger as we age as well.
Sorry I seem to have got a bit carried away with myself here, I didn’t mean to make this so long! But I hope this helps you, at least a bit.
Amy
I am so blessed. I have a wife who is not only totally supportive but enjoys being with my fem side on a romantic level. She says it is like being able to have a bi girlfriend without the headaches.
Hey Cortney, what a great question and kudos for asking it.
I’m super lucky that I have a very supportive SO who’s known from the outset, and we’ve gone on this journey together. She didn’t find me out and I didn’t drop a bomb, it developed over a long period of time together. We talked openly so she was able to help me understand my feelings and what I needed. I think the pace we went into it also helped her understand that Didi isn’t a slight on her or that there’s something missing in our relationship. In fact, she knows it’s not about her at all.
For me, it’s great that she knows as she spoils Didi. Always buys me nice things, clothes, makeup, presents… in fact at the weekend she asked me what Didi wants for Valentine’s Day. But what does she get in return? A gentle, caring (and stylish) partner that’s more in tune with her emotional needs who she can share with. You show me a woman that doesn’t want that.
The caveat is that this is only our perspective and what works for us. Every relationship is different and you have to find your own path and strike the balance that works for you.
Didi
Hi Cortney, Initially, I was just going to fluff a response but then I figured that you’d probably want to read the truth, even though it may not be hearts & flowers. My wife and I have been together since the mid-1980s. She was a single mom and a true inspiration to me. I fell madly in love with her and her very young son. Our daughter was born in 1989. Our relationship went downhill big time after that. Nothing to do with being a CD. I asked her to go with me to counselling about other issues. She went to one session and we found out she has major baggage with her mother. She refused further counselling. We went through a rough patch again in the early 2000s and on our way to divorce. We went to another counselling session and again she was totally negative about it. For the sake of the kids, we decided not to divorce. Ironically my daughter has told me several times since that she was hoping we would divorce. With hindsight, my daughter is probably right. Nonetheless, my wife and I have managed to stay together. In love? No. Our relationship is like those comfortable pair of shoes you just can’t throw out. Now being in our 60s, it just makes financial sense to stay together. My pension couldn’t support two separate households (my wife has no pension nor source of income but rather she is a full-time volunteer which is her passion). I’m happy that she has never asked me to purge my femme clothes and she has not made my being a CD some sort of ultimatum. And what is being happy anyway? I have a very good life though I do miss the thrill of being in love. I can’t wait for this covid thing to be done so I can start traveling again. My wife doesn’t travel much so it is lovely having separate vacations, then I’m happy. And she likes being alone so she is happy. Stay safe, stay healthy, All the Best, Hugs, Krista.
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