When you discovered

[Paula Here]

Dear GG’s

 

When you discovered your partners crossdressing was your initial reaction positive, or Negative?

 

If Negative,  how long did it take for you to come around and be supportive?

 

What helped you change?

My wife has known for a year now.  She found out about my crossdressing by accident.   I came clean with the full extent of my dressing.  She says in feels wrong still and makes her not want to be with me.  I think she may leave our 33 year relationship over this.  I dont want this to happen as I love her and can’t imagine life without her.

I look forward to hearing from as many of you as possible

 

Paula

 

[Honey T]

I’ve written here before that for me, the deception was the hardest part. Crosscdressing wasn’t something familiar to me & I spent a while thinking maybe he was gay. I have no idea why that seems to be our natural reaction. But he spent lots of time reassuring me that he loves & wants me. I would advise you to let her be really honest about her biggest fears. If she doesn’t trust you completely it’s hard for her to let down her guard &do that if she’s in self preservation mode.
We had a rollercoaster relationship for several months until trust was rebuilt after secrets. I tend to be maybe more accepting than many wives but I really believe that everyone deserves to be loved for themselves as they truly are. That can’t happen if secrets are kept.
It’s hard to keep your privacy & not talk among your regular circle of friends to process all this. The S O group here is a great place to vent & talk to others in similar situations & she won’t feel so alone.
Timelines can’t be guaranteed. Just show her how much you care. Good luck to you both ❤️

[skippy1965 Cynthia]

As a cd/tg I just wanted to say, I totally agree with you. Even for friend of mine that I would tell about Cyn before I became more open to most everyone recently, I would stress that while I didn’t want them to tell “the world” about me, I completely understood they could and should tell their SO/spouse as I don’t want to ask folks to keep secrets from heir spouses. And I also asked that if they told their spouse or their friends(whim I might also know that they tell ME when/if they did so I knew who “knew” about Cyn. Not so much an issue now as I am known to almost everyone at the league pool I play in and am done trying to hide this part of myself.
Cyn

[Cortney Love]

Hi Paula!

I’m learning that each individual, and relationship, is unique. Unfortunately, her finding out by accident likely didn’t help you. That’s not to say that you can’t recover from it. I’m one of the lucky ones. My boyfriend told me a few weeks ago (we’ve been togethet close to 2 years). It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions for me. My initial reaction was acceptance, followed by extreme anxiety. Admittedly, I think that learning of my boyfriend’s CD triggered some emotional traumas for me, making it challenging for me to know what emotions are related to his CD and what emotions are related to my history. Therapy has been incredibly beneficial for me thus far.

Unfortunately, I don’t have any magical words of wisdom. Here are some things that have helped me over the past few weeks and some things that I wish my boyfriend did more of:

1) Open communication. We have talked about his CD daily, sometimes very casually. For me, it has been so important to feel like he is not taking his secret back into the closet. I don’t know that I’m ready to be an active participant, but I want to be involved. His CD is a part of him, and therefore, a part of us.

2) Be honest about what your dream for CD is. You can’t be honest with your wife if you aren’t honest with yourself. Now, it isn’t possible to predict the future with certainty or how your fantasies may change, but be as honest as you can be.

3) Be the best husband you can be to her. I hear of so many SOs whose husbands become obsessed with CD once their SO finds out. Quite honestly, it sounds like some CDs use it as an excuse to be extremely selfish (this not a generalization, merely an observation based on posts). My boyfriend has put my needs first. He listens and understands my point of view. He lets me take the lead. I’ve honestly been the one encouraging things that he says he isn’t ready for. There will be uncomfortable feelings, but sit with them, and process where they’re coming from together.

Best wishes to you and your wife.

– Cortney

[skippy1965 Cynthia]

As a cd/tg myself, I think you hit the nail on the head. This issue like any marital issue revolves first and foremost around open communication ad trust. In my own situatin, I honestly thought the nee/desire to express Cyn would go away when I got married (naive I know but to twist the line from the Byrds’ song-“I was so much younger then, I’m older that now” lol) so I didn’t tell my ex before we married. She found out 12 months in, almost let then but stayed another 12 years before realizing she could not deal with it. I don’t blame her-it wasn’t what she signed up for. I haven’t been in another relationship since then but guarantee that if I do, Cyn will be known about from the get-go.

The other is the trust issue. Some CDs WANT their partners to be involved while others want that time to be separate from their spouse. While I would love for any new partner to be fully accepting and spend time with Cyn as much as possible, I would not dream of EITHER forcing them to do anything they were uncomfortable with NOR refusing to allow them to participate as much as they ARE comfortable with. If I were a spouse and my CD partner were refusing to let me go out with them, it would make me wonder what they were hiding or afraid that I’d see.

A marriage or committed relationship is about honesty and shared work and compromise so that each partner’s needs are met.
Cyn

[Zoe North]

Hi Paula

I also found out about my husband’s cross dressing nearly a year ago and to begin with I was very negative. I truly thought it was the end of our marriage, I couldn’t get my head round the idea of him dressing as a woman and I was devastated by the deception.
I don’t know if I would say I’m supportive yet but I am trying to find a way to make our relationship work. To give my husband & I a bit of a break I will say that the additional problems caused by the Covid pandemic have made it hard for us to fully address his dressing.

I don’t know that I can add anymore than what the others have said. Keep talking to your wife & reassuring her, don’t wait for her to talk to you. I get very anxious & in turn angry with my husband if he doesn’t bring the subject up occasionally, it makes me feel like it’s all down to me to do the work to figure this out & I feel like he is hiding things from me again.

Would counselling for your wife or both of you be an option? I know I desperately want someone independent to talk to (as I can’t tell my friends or family). I hope once lockdown is eased here I will be able to arrange some counselling for me to help me come to terms with this new element of our life.

And as has already been said, be the best husband you can be. As someone on another thread said “give her reasons to stay” (or something along those lines).

I sometimes think to myself that my husband has had 40+ years to figure out what cross dressing means to him & 16+ years to figure out what he thinks it means for our relationship, so far I’ve only had 1 year to figure any of this out!

Good luck Paula, I really hope you can work things out with your wife. (You could read this thread to her, to show her you are trying to find ways to help her?)

Zoe xx

[Paula Here]

Hi Zoe,

I did set up a meeting with the EAP counselor.   The only thing the counselor said was for my wife to give me a few hours each nighy to dress privately in the bedroom.  Dod not even talk though our feelings, emotions, thoughts, just jumped to a solution so that my wife does not see me dressed.

I don’t want to dress in the bedroom for a few hours each night.

I want to be able to express my fashion sense openly.  But I fear I will loose my wife.

So in the mean time, everything is put away, I have stopped under dressing, and will waote for alone time in the house to dress, it may be a few months before Paula get to experience the world again.

When we watch movies together my wife askes question or makes comenets about me wanting to dress like the female lead, or if they are talking about gender issues on the show, I get asked so how do you identify?

It hurts some times.

Thank you for listening and being here and sharing your perspective

 

Paula

[BigBangtheory]

Hi Zoe,

Your understandable need for counseling should not have to wait until the end of the pandemic. My insurance allows for virtual visits to doctors and hopefully yours might also. If you don’t have insurance there may be a government program where you could get help. My heart goes out to you… Stephanie

[Cath N.]

Hi Paula. I have answered the same question before so if you want, you can spend a bit of time through the archive of questions to see answers from other GGs as well. Wishing you the best of luck, there really is no magic spell for what you are asking.

[Author]

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