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I was out and about today. As I was walking around I was observing people. While doing this I realized that blending in while dressed shouldn’t be that hard. I look at some woman and think dam I look better than them on my bad days. A lot of woman don’t worry so much about thier looks as they do worry about getting through the day. So being able to take the time to, do your make up, pick out the perfect outfit, take your time dressing and making sure your perfect is an easy way to go about being a woman. Most woman have so much going on they don’t always have the time to do what we do when trying to go out. So next time you plan to go out don’t worry about being passable worry about being an amazing person and enjoying your time dressed up. XOXO…
Cindy.
Daily, people pass my flat going into town. Lot of these i call ” everyday” girls, just females nipping into town, doing a quick shop or a chore….
okay, most of them look neat, but loads dont even wear lipstick…certainly not dolled up!!
We go through all the forums on here about make-up, walking in heels, outfits etc….all very valid, but for everyday trips, such a high percentage of women just make themselves presentable and go do their thing!!!
Don’t get me wrong, pre covid, women passing my place in the evening, mostly looked totally different, going to restaurants and bars…..very different!!
But if you want to be an ” everyday” girl….just look the best you can….and go shopping !!!!!…worry about the glitz and glamour another day
just my opinion,
grace ❤️
Cindy
Well said!!
We put so much effort into presenting or “passing” when so many people are too worried about themselves and don’t even notice you.
That doesn’t mean stop what your doing…or stop being you!
Being “passable” can be debated and argued quite a bit. That’s why you’ll hear us Girls talk about your confidence. Many of us have “manly” features we can hide like an Adam’s apple or a manly jawline.
Be your BEST that you can and love who you see in the mirror! Then hold your head up high and strut out there into the world with CONFIDENCE…knowing that you are a beautiful and amazing person!!
People will respect, appreciate and love you for it!
XO Robyn 🤗❤️💃
Now you did it!
As I may have indicated I have severe differences with terminology relating to gender issues. ‘Passing’ is such a term.
It derives from the brutalizing treatment inflicted on slaves resulting in a couple of generation’s children with light-enough skin to ‘pass for white’. The Gay community in the mid-20th century adapted to ‘pass for straight’. The transgender community modified it to ‘passing for female’. There are variations, i.e., passing as a member of specific social caste.
Each instance, for me, has underlying tones of racism and homophobia. A desire to knuckle under to unseemly conventions that will never quite go away but I sense that they are not going to have the same authority that they had not that long ago. The term ‘pass’ makes me uncomfortable.
There is also the element of indicating a malicious deception for duplicitous reasons. To pretend to be something we are not. This does not seem to be a term that accurately or adequately refers to the activity one is engaged in. Especially when one is engaged in it.
And especially it seems improbable that it should refer to cross-dressers.
First of all, most of us are male. But that is unimportant. I think most of us are fairly honest and if ‘dressed’ and confronted with being male would be woman enough to own up. I am not sure, but I sort of sense that probability. So, we really don’t even try to ‘pass’ as ‘female’, do we? It would be lovely to be seen as that feminine but we aren’t pretending to be something we aren’t. We are actually being what we are at such times: women. Remember, for me a female is the sex and a woman is the gender. As a general rule it is becoming less fashionable (outside of personal amusement) to try to fool the straights. We are getting to be more open about the fact that we are male and aren’t we pretty?
So we don’t ‘pass’ and I don’t think we should always try. I do think we can ‘be’.
As for the worry part, all women (both sexes) worry about their appearance. Being ‘passably fair’ is a major element of the feminine gestalt. But there is more. Some revise their stride and gait, vocal intonations, body language, etc., etc. in an attempt to create as authentic a feminine persona as possible then and feel depressed when they think it doesn’t work. And, while there are notable successes, most of us fool all of the people some of the time and some of the people all of the time but not all of the people all of time. I fear that depression myself. But I am always reassured by seeing the success of others. Especially those who are not fooling around and mean business.
Araminta.
Thanks for the background, Araminta – that’s fascinating.
The fakery of “passing” resonates well with me – I have never attempted to “pass”, as a 6′ 4″ guy with a love of 3″ heels.
I see it as a performance art. A creation of a look, entirely feminine, and beautiful to my eyes. Getting a look that feels comfortable and right is the most important thing.
That look will allow the deeper personality to project. It forces others to confront things within themselves, and in extreme cases, causes them to exclaim openly – almost involuntarily.
While the odd negative is unavoidable, since people have not been normalised to seeing cross dressers, the overwhelming majority of reactions involuntarily expressed is very positive – almost gushing with praise.
Because a beautiful look is a beautiful look.
When you are perceived only on presentation, the duplicity of the look becomes obvious fairly quickly and, if you make it clear that you’re not hiding anything, not actually pretending to be something you’re not, but conversely, actually being everything you appear to be (ie, a cross dresser), that’s where the empathy kicks in – the praise comes because you dare to be different – you dare to be exactly who or what you want to be, and that commands respect.
The negative kicks in when people do not understand why you want to be that way, defying what they believe to be common sense, assaulting their eyes with something they’ve been taught is not decent behaviour, but deviant, or sexualized. Their own sexuality is challenged, and they feel angry. You have cast yourself willingly out of the pack (or flock, depending on your pov), and you should be treated as an outcast.
This latter is a more primitive attitude, yet held by a large number of people.
Fortunately, in mamy public places, they won’t act on it, because they know that they are in the minority, especially where messages of diversity paint themselves in rainbow colours.
At least, those are my current thoughts on it, based on the experiences I’ve had.
Being called out is nothing if you’re expecting it. Just the odd poor idiot who doesn’t understand people, and is probably a bit of an outcast themselves.
Love Laura.
For me I always worried more about being called out than being passable. “Hey, thats a dude. Check out the sissy” mortified me. And then I chucked it to the wind and out I went. Not for a walk. Or a late evening in an empty mall. No. Went to get a pedi and then to dinner in a busy restaurant in a busy shopping plaza. Now let me say that I was accompanied by my GGF. So I had backup. But what I figured out, quickly, is that aside from my voice I looked more put together than most of the women out there. And for the effort I was not only treated like a lady but complimented also. What a thrill.
💋
Trisha
Hi honey, I dress 24/7 and know I’m made every time I open my mouth. I don’t care, if like your shoes I’ll tell you. I’ll chat with cashiers, carrying my handbag and wearing a skirt. Visually I look the part, or at least I think I do. The woman at work haven’t said other wise. I’m happy thats all I care about, although I do have some responses ready incase I do get a direct comment. I think my favourite is “oh I knew I should have worn my black skirt instead. Thank you I’ll wear that one next time.”
Love Trish
My confidence is enough for me to ‘pass’ in any situation! I make an effort to dress, act and style myself as a woman otherwise what would be the point? Passable? What’s that?
I am Polly… I act like Polly, I believe myself to be Polly, my wife sees me as Polly, everyone I know sees me as Polly, I talk the talk and walk the walk. Passable?
ABSOLUTELY!I am woman… hear me ROAR! Polly
Good point Cindy, and something that holds so many of us back. I admit I’m still working thru it. Maybe it is part the perception we each have of what the “ideal feminine woman” should look like. And this quite often stems from an image we formed earlier in life. It is such a subjective term. So “passable” is going to have different degrees for each of us. Of course we all want to accepted as feminine and look young and beautiful, but that’s not realistic is it?
Maybe judge not lest yee be judged should start at home with ourselves? We will always be our own harshest critic. Contrary to popular belief, beauty is not just skin deep, it goes down to the bone – to what’s inside (!!). Let’s ease up on ourselves a bit. We deserve it.
Stevie ❤
Hi Cindy,
Thank you for posting.
Your right when I see some woman who look like they just rolled out of bed, I say to myself – really? Even now for me as a secret CD I still do my best to feel pretty.
I think for me its part of being CD I would want to be a pretty lady and do my best to show the world my beautiful Katey. I do enjoy looking at woman’s fashion and thinking how I can look like that. I think for me as far as CD its also trying to look as good as possible.
I think the majority of society care what others think, it’s a bad thing to a point. Well this post has certainly opened a great conversation. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Hugs Katey
Not so concerned about being passable, but I would be happier being not so blatantly obvious, being able to engender just enough doubt would be enough for me.
Anyway just checking out some of the GG’s at the supermarket yesterday made me think the problem would lie in looking too good in lifes mundane circumstances, 90% of those ladies were in what I can only describe as female drab – hoodies, sweats etc but who wants to look like that after the effort we have to put in to be ‘passable’ We were made for finer things right girls?
Diana
Diana
Trust me you are not alone in your thinking.
I for one feel the same as you looking at very “drab” almost anonymous women in their daily life.
Its not so much to be critical of women, but I think they could use a page or two out of our books.
Almost re-learning to be a beautiful and amazing woman again!
XO Robyn 😁❤️💃
This is a really good point! If I dress I want to be noticeable as well-dressed. I think the concept of ‘blending’ might need a closer examination. Besides, who else but we are going to maintain desirable standards of feminine creativity and augmentation?
There is also the suggests that what a cross-dresser would deem desirable and what the rest of the public sees as acceptable may diverge. What would be the differences in desideratum and why would those differences exist?
I am particularly taken with the consistency within anecdotes related by cross-dressers. There are basically 3 or 4 routes of development but generally some tell precisely the same story almost word-for-word. It seems that there is, at least amongst cross-dressers a basic level (levels?) of accomplishment that represent common goals and common standards for defining those goals. What does that mean? A genetically cued motivation? Do we just like what we see?
Araminta.
Hi Cindy, Well I too was out and about this morning. I had to go to Costco to exchange some ladies pants I bought a couple days ago (they were too big!!!! – I’ve dropped a pant size from 12 to 10 and actually I think I could squeeze into a size 8 as the size 10s have a bit of room). I was wearing a ladies red puffer snow jacket, ladies snow boots and ladies mitts (and underdressed with bra & panties). And NO makeup. Anyway I went to customer service and the guy there asked me “what can I do for you Ma’am?” He then asked for my photo ID membership card – well my photo is years old and my hair is super long now. And it has my male name on it. So he asked if the card was mine? I told him yes and you could see the confusion on his face. So he processed my transaction and I went into the store to buy two more pair of size 10 pants. At the cashier, got called Ma’am again. Then off to Walmart to buy some ladies canvas sneakers (hoping that spring will come some time soon). And same again, Ma’am at the cashier. So I guess I fit in quite well with other ladies just dressing as I do, not making any special effort to try to pass and never any worrries. And yet I pass, and it does feel really good when I’m called Ma’am. I have to consider myself pretty lucky that I do pass so easily (though it drives my SO crazy). Take Care Cindy, All the Best, Hugs Krista.
For me being “passable” is blending in. The majority of men and women live in the real world of drab 80% of the time.
The other 20% (I’m being generous. Its Its possibly 5%) we like to doll up. As a bloke who mostly worked in farming and labouring, that meant donning a suit and tie. My wife works in an area where a drab uniform is mandated, and lots of makeup isn’t recommended, and in fact could cause issues, with clients.
It takes us hours to doll up. Most people don’t have that time everyday throughout the week. So men and women live a drab lifestyle. Or drabbish. But we make up for it on those special occasions…
Skinny jeans are my standard fare. Both male and enfemme. The top 1/2 depends on the day.
As I’ve grown older, I have usually equated being passable with blending in. The problem I suspect a lot of us have is not having the time to be both fully ‘dressed’ and just wearing drab. So we when we do have the time, we want to be as nice (okay, attractive) looking as we can possibly be.
Now the longest I’ve had the chance to be dressed was a few summers ago when the now adult kids were gone and my SO was on an extended family trip. That was 96 hours, and I used the full amount of time to do as much as I could (well, except go public, tho I did drive late one night to the Post Office -20 miles away- and a PO box and picked up my mail while dressed, that was very nerve wracking).
During that time I dressed up, I also dressed down. I also took a bath with scented candles and wine and lots of bubbles. Later, nice dress and heels, make-up, press on nails, etc. And other days, dressed in what could be considered a casual summer dress (it was summer), and in jeans and a tee, and some other combinations (skirt and blouse, cami, tanks, etc). Pulled my hair back in a ponytail, up with a clip, or down, or used a hair band.
But that was because I had the time and the privacy. I also used this time to do laundry, ironing, cleaning the house, vacuuming, dishes, etc. etc. And in the evening, I went swimming in our backyard pool, with my one piece and wig which I kept above the water line, using noodles.
I changed every day, and if I had a week I would have continued to do the same. But seriously, given only hours sometimes? Well, it’s nice to dress up for that short time and enjoy and appreciate it.
btw, my spouse just admitted that she hasn’t worn a dress in 7 or more years. I’ve probably worn 4 or 5 or more in that time. geesh!
I watched a Youtube video by Janet Mock about passing. She says that when you try to pass, you are trying to be something that you are not. She says, don’t try to be something that you are not. Be yourself!
Totally agree Eva.
To me, ‘acceptable’, has the proper connotation. The sense of accomplishing a specific goal within (vaguely) definable limits. A bearded man simply putting on a rather dowdy dress does not suggest femininity, womanhood or anything close. On the other hand, some of us are fortunate enough to be recognizable and even desirably feminine with little and even sometimes no augmentation. Some still have features that at least indicate a male, but are still remarkably and impressively feminine. It is all very subjective.
But ‘acceptable’ does sort of convey success to me without necessarily requiring public approbation as such. It does, however, contain an element of grudging reluctance in granting that approval and then there is the question as to whether that approval is really desired or required.
Still, a very good thought indeed.
Araminta.
Hi, Stephanie.
I meant ‘desired’ as in whether I would want people to judge me or not. Not because I am not amenable to flattery (I most certainly am) but because I would question their right to make a value judgement when they usually have no clue as to the relevant complexities and motivations involved.
But in another light, I think you means something else and I think you have something there. To me femininity is very much a part of and often (initially at least) defined by the degree of sexual attractiveness to a gynecophilac (attracted to femininity) person.
So far the vast number of cross-dressers I have observed began from a desire to experience femininity if not with another person then with a persona that lies within themselves. That desire is very often sexually based so they create a sexualized version of femininity that can be somewhat of a caricature rather than an accurate representation of womanhood. Even amongst those who matured to be more sophisticated and more intent on being a woman rather than focusing on the sexuality I read the occasional moan that women just don’t dress the way they did in the 50s (or pick your favourite decade).
So most cross-dressers ‘dress’ more, shall we say, elaborately (?), less casually (?) than most other women do. Sometimes a giveaway, actually, even in the most conservative cases as only a cross-dresser or female athenasing woman would take the time and care to be beautiful, feminine and desirable. If one knows what to look for they may be at least suspicious.
But desire can be taken in another way suggesting a sufficient and reasoned consensus that is desired by empathetic and sympathetic observers (including the cross-dressers).
I have often seen photos of cross-dressers who cannot be said to be pretty or sexually desirable but I often marvel at the quality of their femininity. They may be plain-jane elderly ladies but they are definitely ladies. So, in this latter sense those who do not exude the cues and effects heightening lust can and do achieve a presentation that is amenable to the general sensibilities therefore commonly desirable in a sort of gentle sense of propriety.
I mean, dress how you want to but you will judge your appearance as to whether or not it is what you desire. But if you display yourself (photos, videos) your success in achieving a desirable goal will also be judged. Gender is two-way. Based on the beliefs of the person presenting that gender and based on the subjective values of those observing. The two judgements may not necessarily be identical.
So, if to be ‘passable’ is intended to refer to something that is desired and, eventually, socially normalized, what is that something?
Araminta.
Well exactly, might as well stay in bed and be glamorous in a delicious satin nightie.
But I suppose that doesn’t fill the pantry.
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