'Are you gay?'

Short answer, no never been asked. Mostly cos "male me" comes across as your typical "mature Aussie male". No hair, bit of a belly, good for a laugh with my mates etc, etc.

As you've noted, it comes from assumptions and lack of education. I have never been asked (or worse told), but if that happens, my response will be a look of puzzlement and the returned question of, "What has that got to do with it?" 🤔

To challenge their assumption because this will start the discussion where they have to explain that to me, rather than me being immediately on the defensive and trying to convince them of why their assumption is wrong. I expect most will splutter realizing that all they have is their misguided notion, but whatever they produce, it's all easily debunked with a simple explanation of the differences between gender and sexuality.

Some may be open to learning that they've had these two things paired off incorrectly all this time, however I expect most will cling to what they 'know' whether they relent or not, but at least I've put them to answering rather than letting them think I have to disprove their beliefs.

Hi Angela,

As you know, I am transgender and also intersex, growing up knowing I was supposed to be a girl and always feminine. It was assumed by many that I was gay and I have often been approached and propositioned by gay people. But I don't actually recall ever being asked if I was gay. In high school I was approached by a counselor and asked to take part in a group of students he had gathered. It soon became obvious that he was one of the people who made the assumption that I was gay.

Hugs,

Ms. Lauren M

Well that is the question my wife kept on asking when she found out about my "other self".  My answer was a strong NO.

I have to say now; I have a gay relative and have known a few gay people at work and from other places.  I have no issues and respect their way of life, just like we have our own lives.  We as human beings need to respect each and everyones wishes that do not harm or disresect others.

That’s one of the questions my (now ex) wife asked a few years back when I told her I liked to wear panties. She was understandably confused, but to her credit she did some research and learned what we already know - that most cross dressers are heterosexual. My answer to her was a definite no.

With my divorce in the books now more than five years, and having had the freedom to live and dress as I feel, I would have to say I’m not so sure. The deeper into femininity I dove, the more I wanted to experience, including being treated as a woman both emotionally and physically.

The depth of my dressing/femininity still ebbs and flows. But if someone were to ask me now if I were gay my answer would have to be “maybe I’m gay, maybe I’m bi, it really doesn’t matter and it’s really none of your business.” But it is certainly still an assumption made by many when they learn that I enjoy being/dressing feminine.

Hi Angela,

I'm not out and out Gay, I'm Bi myself it wasn't till i was in my 20's that i found i swung both ways as they say, so I'm part of the LGBT community, the only thing is I've never actually been with another woman apart from my wife, but I've had a few meetings with men but the last one must have been at least 10 years ago, I do feel regret about being unfaithful to my wife, basically I'm just a man who likes wearing women's clothes,

Hugs Rozalyn X 🤗

Nope, definitely not gay, straight as an arrow, as they say. And this takes a little explanation. I present normally as a male, and as such I have 0 interest in having any kind of any even verging on intimate relations with another male.  Doesn't turn me off or anything, just not interested in the least (as in hey whatever floats your boat). And I was 'approached' once back when I was 13-15, and I said no thanks and walked away (ok, rode my bike away). Into my second marriage now, and 3 children combined, all whom I helped raise. And lots of, well, yoiu know, intimacy with my partner at the time, actually lots and lots. (side note, got a prostrate MRI coming up and one of the instructions was a 'no, no' for 3 days prior, ok)

But!!! put me in female attire and let me just relax and have my imagination run away allowing my dreams to take over, and I would have loved to have had relations with a male, even be a wife and mother. Will never happen of course, but dreams die hard.<sigh>

My ex (spouse at the time) asked me that, and my answer was no. I have no interest in anything but platonic relationship with men, dressed or not.

I suspect that since the perception is that many drag queens are gay, and people don't understand the difference between a drag queen and a crossdresser. So when you tell them you are a crossdresser, their mind goes to drag queen and then to gay

When I came out to my two sisters — wow, more than a year ago — I invited them out to lunch and told him I had something important to tell them. And I knew that at some point in the conversation, one of my sisters would ask me if I were gay. I knew her — she would just blurt it out. In fact, she asked me that question early in the conversation even before I told her I was a crossdresser. Here is how I predicted the conversation would go. And in fact, it went exactly this way:

”Are you gay?”

”If I were, would that make any difference to you?”

“Absolutely not.”

”Well that’s nice to know. I’m not gay”. 

And it went on from there. That was the only time anyone’s ever asked me if I was gay. Months later, the same sister asked me if I wanted to transition. I told her I did not. 

This sister has probably been the most supportive member in my family regarding my crossdressing.  She actually likes seeing my photos, and hearing about my adventures out in public. But she’s also not afraid to ask me the hard questions.

I was also asked this question when I first came out to my partner, and in her case I know it isn't a lack of education or ignorance. She has always been very open and unprejudicial (so why did I wait so long to tell her?! lol).

I rather think it's a method of just trying to deal with what was initially something of a shock - to learn that this person she thought she knew so well had a secret they hadn't been sharing which at the end of the day, involves her 'man' needing to dress up, wear makeup and be as feminine as s/he can be. Perhaps if I have hidden this, maybe there is more to be told?

'Drag Race' has made drag mainstream, but this is still framed very much in the context of being part of the gay community and there have been very few non-gay contestants.

So although she knew the answer to the question before she asked (and apologised for asking! lol) I think it was part of the process of just getting her head around this wholly new thing that I had presented her with. I think really, given the circumstances, being asked if you are gay is not surprising, and I certainly didn't find it offensive or upsetting in any way. 

I came out to my wife during a conversation we were having about intimacy issues which were due to ED issues. She asked if wearing pantyhose may help me and I replied I didn't know but could give it a try. That kind of opened the door and I started mentioning other items of clothing I could wear (panties, bras, skirts, etc) which prompted her to ask if I was gay or bi. My honest answer was I don't know. I consider my self bi but haven't acted on it for some time. Other than you lovely ladies here the only ones who know Suzanne are my wife and therapist. When you think about it it's kind of funny - in our society a woman (GG) can wear whatever she wants and do whatever she wants and it is okay and there really isn't a question of her sexuality or femininity. However, let a male wear female clothes to engage in female activities and it is assumed they are less masculine or gay. I remember many years ago reading an article about Rosie Greer, an NFL football player, that knitted and crocheted. Not a hobby you would have expected. Let people assume what they want as who we are and how we live isn't anyone's business so long as it isn't harming anyone.

XOXO
Suzanne

I have been assumed to be homosexual a few times, but while drab.  I often go to bars on my own for karaoke (my wife loathes karaoke).  One time, a man came up behind me and started rubbing my shoulders!  I left the bar and as a regular, the next time I returned I ask the bartender to come around and ask me how my wife is doing if that fellow ever came around again.  No one who knows about Charlotte has ever asked me this question, save for the therapist I came out to, who started asking me other stereotypical things.

Suffice to say, she's no longer my therapist.

Also, before introducing my fiancé, a few of my family members assumed I was gay.  My mother no doubt shared with her sister how she found me trying on her bra and heels, and my aunt is a bit of a gossip.  The same aunt nearly broke my intended's spine when she tackled and hugged her, proclaiming, "Thank G-d, we were so worried!"  

I think it's a question we are all asked as we come out or are found out. I can quite understand the extrapolation of thought.

Are we gay? Well that seems to vary tremendously but as mentioned previously I’m sure there are many of us who have never previously thought of a relationship with a man start to see developing one as a natural progression.

We've already heard how some cook more or enjoy housework whilst en femme ... stereotyping of course but surely there's other aspects too? 

Very interesting question. 

When I came out to my wife it was a wide ranging conversation that touched on many things including sexual orientation. She didn't ask me if I was gay, though. It was a much broader question of who I wanted to have sex with and if that included men; it doesn't. I've often joked I was a lesbian trapped in a man's body, because if anything my ardor for women is even more acute en femme. In any event, I don't find the question itself to be disrespectful and I've been asked a few times over the years. These days my pat response is to smile and say "why do you ask?" It puts the onus of the question back on them and that pause, when they realize they don't have a good reason for asking, is priceless.