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Hi ladies!
I’ve been very open on this site about my experience as a spouse of a CD and recently I’ve had some messages asking for advice on coming out to a partner but technically he never came out to me. I offer my opinion but I thought it would be good to have a recent thread where some of you ladies that have came out to your partners could share your stories, advice etc. I’m sure it would be helpful for a lot of ladies in the closet!Great topic Clo!
From another SO’s perspective, do it all at once, no drip feeding information, complete unfiltered honesty straight up. It might hurt at first to hear it this way but in my opinion it is an imperative step to establishing trust and it will (I’m assuming) go a long way and make things easier in the future.
Secondly – the earlier the better don’t wait 10/15/20 years if you can. The longer you are in an established relationship in my opinion the harder and longer it will take to process.
Support! Please make sure you both have an independent safe person each to confide in and then get some couples therapy! Oh therapy how I adore thee!
And now an analytical piece of advice, share a pot of tea during any big talks… it helps, I promise!
Thank, Clo, for rekindling a coming out thread. I have been a bit surprised and encouraged to learn through reading articles on CDH and other websites about many married CDs who described being more relaxed and open about exploring their femme side in their 50s (like me), after the kids were out of the house, etc. Through my 20s until recently I would dress sporadically, like once a month, usually just enjoying some of the softer fabrics for a while. I never seriously considered going out en femme or felt like there was a woman inside striving for daylight. Like many, I went through some purging cycles now and again. But I kept a few items I liked best figuring one day I would broach the subject with my wife…but it wasn’t like I felt I had a compelling urge to dress most of my adult life until recently…
A year ago, stronger desires to dress bubbled up in me and I got up the courage to start talking with my wife about my feelings. I think her creative, open personality and experiences with folks involved with local theatrical groups made her more receptive to the topic. Although surprised, she was very gracious and open to the idea of me dressing up around the house every so often. She has also gladly ventured out with me on some shopping trips and has helped me build a nice wardrobe. Coming home with a bag of outfits and trying them on for each other is a blast! She has also given me a few things of hers to add to my collection—some of my favorites—and surprised me with a great collection of clip-on earrings!
After making some contacts through CDH, I went out en femme to a couple trans-friendly get-togethers near home, one at a woman’s clothing consignment shop, and the other at a welcoming LGBTQ lounge. I was pleasantly surprised that my wife was comfortable enough to join me for these outings. With her background helping coach/direct a number of theater groups around town, she is very comfortable with a broad range of personalities and lifestyles shall we say…makes me kick myself why I waited so long to come out to her, but life has its seasons.
My wife and I now welcome the opportunity to meet other CDs/SOs and have made some great friends over the last year. My wife is also my fashion maven and helps a lot with my makeup and fashion tips. Dressing up around the house can be fun, but it doesn’t compare to spending time en femme with kindred spirits.
Rochelle
Good Day Clo, Thank you for asking.
When we met my SO knew I liked to wear women’s clothes. She said she did not like it because of a previous event, before we met, with a guy roommate wearing her clothes.
My CD went on the back burner, we married, children and now grandchildren. In that time I dressed when i could and let it be. Over the years when we went clothes shopping I would try to get her involved in me buying clothes but she did not seem all that interested.
Then empty nesters, about ten years ago, I opened up again she flat shut me down and asked if I was gay. I told her no, I am not. Since then, I buy my own dresses, nightgowns, underwear, etc., but she has never liked it. I know I need to bring it up again but, it is just difficult.
I had my last purge before I married my wife. It was a small collection I had been building up since I got out of the Marines. I had purged before I went into the Marines.
The last purge had some things I had started to collect from my time in the Marines, I had a close friend I came out to and an affair with a married woman. Both have an interesting story, I found some clothes one night out with my buddy and lingerie from the married woman.
So about a month after I married my wife, I told her one night that I like to wear women’s clothes. She took it while and she came out to be a have an interest in women. We ended up in the walk in closet of our small one bedroom apartment. She started going through her dresses and found one for me to wear. Then a pair of panties and pantyhose, a bra stuffed with panties. It was such an amazing time. We started buying clothes and building me up a women’s clothing. Ebay became popular and I bought many things from there.
Now we have a big house and I have been dressing more and getting out with others. I stay shaved and on the weekends wear women’s jeans and ankle boots. Of course with panties and pantyhose, now I’m adding a 32na wire free bra, women’s long sleeve shirt with a regular male t-shirt.
My wife was able to get her chance to explore her intrest in women. We have a some what open relationship but are mainly just us. One else is in our relationship now, but if we want it could happen.
That’s my coming out story.
My wife and I use to just sit and enjoy each others company way back before we started anything serious. we use to see each other at a local bar weekly. As time went on, we just sort of moved into dating (We were both coming out of bad divorces) …As things went along, I realized that it was starting to feel like the relationship was going somewhere. So one night as we were talking, I just told her straight out. It wasn’t a thrilling thing for her to hear, yet, she wasn’t freaked out about it either. we’ve been together for over 16 years now, and my fem side is just another part of our marriage….Bea
“22 years old ,Black belt ,motor bike,shooting, our first house ,very muscular ,our first baby .And then within the next few months!their was something terribly wrong. We were doing up the house ,we both had busy work programmes,i got home on a Thursday night very late till Sunday.Why was i thinking about girls clothes,pretty make-up, heels! “Help Me”.It continued for a few weeks till that contract was completed and i was home for a while .I came down on the Sunday morning ,just out of the bath and blurted out ,possibly with tears! that i wanted to wear nice clothes like her.I offered to leave, but to give her my wages each week ,she would have none of it, Our lives changed from that day.WE now have internet ,Ebay and online shopping.I have a seasonal wardrobe to die for . We are still very happily married ,I have 2 daughters one knows our secret as does my mother in law and neither of them give a hoot,IE Dad if that makes you and mum happy fine.I have been very fortunate and am free to venture out with family or on my own when i wish.I have, and still am being completely spoiled and feel very humbled .I feel terrible guilty, but fortunate when i read your story’s. Hopefully there is something special round the corner for you all. PYxx.
i was married for 27 years when 8 years ago i just blurted it out to my wife that i liked to wear women’s clothes.(i had gotten a makeover at Mac that morning and was late picking up my wife from work)
my wife was devastated and it looked like a quick divorce, we had a family emergency one week later that put my dressing on the backburner.
my wife has become tolerant of my dressing, but our marriage is now one of convenience and if i had told her before we married she would have never married me.
so for those considering coming “out” to their spouse: remember once the genie is out of the bottle she will never go back in.
I found that I did hot want to live A lie by not telling my SO about my crossdressing so before we became to serious I would make A remark about how lucky girls were to have such nice clothes and us guys get stuck with crap. One girl I was head over heals in love with said that girls deserve nice things and guys don’t. At that point i decided she wasn’t for me and dated several girls with about the same results, most of them thought guys wearing girls clothes was gross. I played it cool and didn’t come right out and tell them that I was A CD. when my wife and I were dating I felt I should try again but this time she agreed she said guys were short changed when it came to clothing especially underwear, I asked her if guys should wear panties, to which she said as long they were pretty nylon ones. Our next date I wore red lacy vanity fair panties and told her I thought about what she said and was wearing panties, She had to check it out and was very pleased with my choice of undies. As time went on I told her I have been wearing panties as well as all the other girly clothes, she liked to hear about all my adventures of dressing up and was very supporting and turned on to hear my story. We dated for over A year and married and have been very happy together for over fifty years. I am so glad I didn’t try to hide it and live A lie and being afraid she might find out.
Hi clo,
Since I’m not married i think of how to come out to my family, and even i think sometimes whether I’ll get supporting wife to help me in exploring my fem part. You’re such a wonderful lady to help your spouse in this process.I believe you should come out as early as possible, it’s only fair. My wife found out just after we were married and was devastated. It has been a sore point in our relationship for years causing 3 temporary separations and who knows how many arguments.
Things have got better over the last 10 years but it’s still a hot spot that could blow at any moment, she usually has 1 or 2 meltdowns a year. I’ve tried to explain things, I’ve shown her literature about what science says about this and she has accompanied me to several therapy meetings.
I’ve recently found a CD friend around me and a couple of weeks ago him and his wife joined us for dinner on a Saturday night. Things went very well, after dinner my friend and I were doing the dishes and our wives were chatting and enjoying a glass of wine. After they left my wife commented it was nice to have somebody who understood her side of the story to talk to.
Small steps, don’t expect your wife to throw her arms around you and jump for joy. Some are lucky and that’s what you get but that doesn’t happen all the time.
It was my wife who gave me the first panties to wear. I was 25 had gotten sun poisoning and my male underwear was digging into the burned area. So she gave me a pair of low cut panties of hers to wear to work and that helped. But as I worked all I could feel is how comfortable and sexy the nylon panties felt. I told her about it and we got some panties for me to wear. At first It was plain white or black pairs but after a while I started getting more sexier pairs. That is how it started for me. You should come out to your wife. The problem with hiding your dressing is if you get caught, your wife will wonder what else you have been doing and if you are gay and had sex with men. Everything will go through their mind including STD’s, AIDs and HIV because you hid your dressing. People tend to think the worst when problems happen. Women get a feeling when men are hiding things. If and when you decide to come out you should start out easy. Like telling her you had worn panties before and you feel more comfortable in them than mens. And maybe show her some male reviews on panties on the web. There is a lot more men wearing panties today just for the comfort. In some of my reviews I have stated “ladies get some of these for your man he isn’t going to cheat with these on” The biggest thing to remember is that is just clothes for gods sake. Good luck to all.
I had been dating my SO for over a year when she wanted to talk about living together. I was not very encouraging about doing so. My hold up was of course my stash. She had spent the night but never been left alone in my apartment. After a fight which led to her leaving I decided to tell her. I asked her to come over and talk. She assumed I was going to tell her I was seeing someone else. She was shocked when I told her my secret. She wanted to see everything I had. I tried on a few things for her and she even tried some of my stuff on. This was the scariest night of my life. She took it better than expected and we had several talks over the next few weeks. She asked me to dress up one night and we talked and kissed and …
I simply had to. My SO and I had worked through so many issues. But for her she knew there was something else. Something was torturing my soul. Her intuition was neederight.I needed to be honest with her and myself. So I just let it rip one night. The risk was huge!!! But so worth it.
That night I released the last of my torment.
I was free.
Coming out is difficult. When your ready you will know. Just remember your in a relationship treat them with respect and truth. Be prepared, don’t assume their reaction. Take it slow,give them time and space to process. Be ready to answer questions and please be clear. Good Communication is the key.
Dana 💋 ❤️
Great topic. My SO and I have been married 11 years. We met and married in six weeks, then flew to India for a one month work assignment, followed by 7 years in Shanghai. My SO was back working in China for a month a year ago when I went cd in public. I first went out to see a friend of mine in a band. He was shocked to see me. I sat with my friends wife and she told me that my friend has dressed for the past 15 years. I then wrote an email to my wife and after she talked with her friends and read up on line she was very understanding. In the past year we have gone to over a dozen different cd activities. We’re headed to Diva Las Vegas and then Esprit in May. Life is good.
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