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I have been dressing in secret for a long time. I’m married but my wife doesn’t know about Ariane. We have discussed trans issues in the past but she has freaked out. Although we are close, this is one area of my life I can’t share. And because I can’t share it with her, I don’t think it’s right for me to go public. But it does create internal pressure for me. Sometimes the urge to dress and to talk about it is overwhelming. And there’s nowhere to go, except online, which helps but is not the same as dealing in-person.
Yesterday I was talking about these issues generally with a couple that I’ve known as friends for a long time. Two of their four (grown up) children are gay, and this couple were telling me how they have come to terms with that and how they love their children more than ever. This gave me the courage to open up for the first time with them. I told them how much I identified with being female even though I could never transition. And how I had developed Ariane as my female persona – a sort of imaginary friend with whom I could identify as myself. I also said how much I sometimes wanted to look, act and feel like a woman. And how I was comfortable deep down wearing women’s clothes on the rare occasions when I have an outfit.
They were totally understanding. So sympathetic and loving. They would even like to meet me as Ariane though it will have to be in a private session at first. We talked about letting their children know and I said I was fine with that – they are persons of integrity and I trust them to be discreet.
This couple asked me what Ariane was like. I said she was a little younger than me though we are both middle-aged. She is compassionate and gentle, emotionally aware, and also elegant and sexy. She always dresses in black, with heels and pearls.
So this has started me thinking again about going for a makeover, learning how to do make-up, learning how to be convincing, and developing my own wardrobe. And then meeting my friends as Ariane, in the privacy of their home, but maybe one day for an evening out in London with them and their children.
For me this is like a dream come true, although I feel apprehensive at the same time. If I can make progress I will post again.
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