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Hello all! I the fiance of a CD looking for support from like minded people.
A little about us…….I’ve known about the cross dressing for almost a year now. I’m ok with it as long as everything is transparent. I don’t like secrets and hiding things. Last night I found an email account and social media account for the alter ego. The emails I had found were honestly quite concerning…….we talked it all out calmly. My fiance has struggled with this since childhood. He feels ashamed and confused and thinks he can just throw everything away and just stop.
I feel very differently. I told my fiance that I don’t think it works like that, this isn’t ever going away. I said “sure, you can get rid of all of it and you can force it away for a while. However it WILL come up again.”
I feel this is apart of who my fiance is and you can just wish it away. I feel he needs to embrace this part of himself. I do not judge him or shame him in anyway. I’m here supporting him. I love this man and his female side. I know it has to be so very hard for my fiance. I just want him to know how much I love, care & support him.
Does anyone have any advice for us?
I just don’t feel like it can just all be thrown away.
First off, I think it’s every CD’s dream to have a wife or SO like you.
You’re right. There’s even a term for it called “purging” where people out of shame or whatever else, throw away all of their female stuff. But I’d say anecdotally at least, 99% return back to dressing.
I think at some point, if you just keep showing your support, he’ll come to the realization that it’s a part of who he is. It’s sort of like someone who likes anything else really. It’s hard to just will something away, and in fact, sometimes that makes it worse because it’s just festering until it pops up again.
He can certainly throw it away. And then it all re-grow stronger, or something else will fill the void.
Can that something else be something “better”? Yes. But the big issues is that he will still be surrounded by all the same things that got him started in the first place.
Clothes are still softer, color and texture, being something “different”, “sexy”, etc.
Even if he really wanted to turn the page, he would seriously benefit from first understanding why… and at the end, that may be the scary part for him? We all are different.
I wish you both the best of luck!Gabriela
HI Lauren first of all proud of you and your spouse for being supported of each other. Keep the line of communication open at all times. Wishing you both the best. Follow the journey as a team. My parents told me as younger kid I was in a phase well my phase is still around, Actually with the support from all my family and friends going all the way to be female. Know some go further others are happy to dress fem at times. Might be just in privacy of their homes then some get out in public. Again wishing you both the best. And grow with spouse. In the journey.
Lauren, thank you for being such an open minded and supportive person! Your determination to help and stand by the one you love is heart warming. Honestly, if your fiance has struggled with this since childhood it’s doubtful it is something that can just be “stopped”. Paused or delayed certainly, but you can’t just stop being who you are – and there is no shame involved in being yourself. I hope we here can help sort through some of the confusion. They Are Not Alone in feeling the way they do! Please please make use of the wealth of information ( and friendly support ) at CDH, it really can help in understanding. I truly hope all the best for you two 🙂!!
Stevie
Hi Lauren nice to meet you and so happy you joined us girls here to help and support in your hubby/girlfriends life please ask her to join us as there is a wealth of information for you both here .. For you as well as us to ask there is a group as for the wife and signifacant others group to help ask away questions we all here are ready to help you both on this journey as yes its not going away put on hold maybe but Your girlfriend /Hubby cant chase it away as we say the pink fog has got you so please accept our support and love to you both good luck Lauren ..
Stephanie Bass
Hi Lauren,
You have reached a CD website that offers friendship and support .. as you scroll down you will realize how we welcome you with open arms and please ask your fiancé to be a member too.. you mentioned in your introduction that you love, care, and support him… if I may say it again, a SO support is a dream of most CD’s including me… out of shame or losing my wife I didn’t tell my wife of my alter ego and dressed secretly when she was not home… one afternoon about 5 years ago, she came home early and she met Leonara for the first time..we had the “talk” which means the various questions, gay, transition, and why couldn’t you confide in me.. the latter question really hit home fortunately, Kathy understood… we have older children and grandchildren
For which we will agree to keep my CD revelation between ourselves…. to make a long story short I dress when she is not home and “don’t ask, don’t tell. I wish we could share, once in awhile a girls night out, a shopping spree, or mani-pedi together.
Lauren, those are the possibilities that you can share with your fiancé … as a footnote to my experience… Kathy & I celebrated this year our 50th Anniversary…..
Lauren & your fiancé I wish you the best
Regards, LeonaraIt seems like you have been communicating and he should by now know that as long as he is open then you are good with it. Before he gets rid of stuff maybe suggest that he box it up and see how feels in a couple of months. He will be glad he did not purge. I think he would be helped if he got on this site. There are lots of us who have gone through the doubt and shame cycle until we accepted who we are and many are blessed to have supportive partners. You might suggest he joins us on the site.
Lauren your the best , You are the partner we all long for.
It took a lifetime for your fiancé to evolve who he is. Suppressing internal hormonal ” testo/estri”, Or the psychological desires, would be like saying, I can quit smoking or drinking. Might work for some, Im not that strong. Your love and understanding will help him control his impulses within the boundaries you agree on.
Welcome Lauren.
There’s really not much I can add to what has already been said. Having a supportive SO like you is every CD’s dream. And, no, the urge will never go away. I was married twice. Neither was accepting. And I’ve been through the “binge, guilt, purge” cycle more times than I care to remember.
The urge can be put aside, sometimes for months or years, but it never goes away. And, often, depression and drug & alcohol abuse, take it’s place. Now that I’m single and don’t need to deny my feminine side, my mental and physical health have improved significantly.
It sounds like your SO is still in the denial stage. He feels embarrassed and guilty for having these thoughts. Show him this site. Show him he is not alone. There are lots of us out here and most of us (author excluded) are perfectly sane.
Best of luck to both of you, and don’t hesitate to reach out.
Hugs,
Elise
Hi Lauren. I can tell you the urges do not go away. I started stealing panties on my morning paper route when I was 12-13 years old. I turn 72 this coming Friday and I will tell you the urge for wear panties and other fem-wear does not go away. You can move away from it for a short while but it will again raise it ugly/beautiful face. I have been living with the urge for women’s wear for 60 years and I will tell you it will NEVER go away. Thank goodness for me. Dani
Hello Lauren
This is a unusual situation in that the SO has recognised the real situation and it is the crossdresser who thinks it will all go away. I applaud you for taking this stance and for supporting you partner, it won’t be easy but I feel it is possible to have fulfilling life with a crossdresser. You obviously love him and want to support him, thats a fantastic start. But he has to come to terms with who he really is and it would seem that is not the case as yet. Acceptance that you are a crossdresser can be difficult and it will take time, in my case I couldn’t even think of myself as a CD, even though I was dressing at the time.Once I accepted that part of me I had to accept that I was a transvestite, ok in dictionary terms that is the same thing, but the term uses ‘trans’ and as such to a certain point I am trans, all this took a while to get my head around, but he will get there once he opens up to you and begins to accept this is part of him and what makes hm the person he is. He will not be able to have a ‘purge’ throw all his CD things away and forget about it, believe me I know, I’ve tried, it just does not work.
Good luck, PM me if you want to ask anything, and have a look at my blog, you might find something there to help you:https://mylifebyandrearaven.blogspot.com
Andrea x
If there is anyone on this site that should not be here it’s me. I am a born again believer in Jesus Christ since 1973, independent fundamental Baptist, Bible college graduate with a degree in pastoral studies from an extremely conservative school, and former pastor. I have memorized chapters of the Bible, continue to read it regularly, have prayed and fasted that I be delivered from this affliction. To this day I attend 3 worship services a week plus Sunday school. I have told others whom I trust, including my wife and pastors, about my femme self and have them praying with me and for me. I would say that I have the faith of a grain of mustard yet I have not been able to say to this mountain, ” be thou cast into the sea”. I have been to therapist all of whom I saw with the goal of overcoming this strong hold in my life. All that to say this, “to the best of my knowledge and efforts I have found [and proven] the urge to present femme will not go away.”
How then do I reconcile my strong Christan faith with my incessant urge to be a woman? I have come to understand and be at peace with the truth that this is who I am.
The Scripture says it this way; Psalm 139:14 KJV — I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. According to divine purpose I am whom I am.
Who one is will not go away for if “it” did one wouldn’t be who they are. (At this point I personally identify as a trans-woman and I have come to be thankful that I am.) Ones responsibility is to find grace, wisdom, and love sufficient enough to live with oneself as they are and therein find contentment. Please know that contentment and happiness are not one and the same.
May I say after 48+ years of living as a Christian transgendered individual, that accepting myself as I am and being wise and loving with how I manage myself is far from easy but it is possible.
And as an addendum to the story above; Prior to becoming a Christian as a 17 year old teen, I lived with a continual gripping urge to be a girl. Crossdressed regularly having 2 sister and my mom from whom I “borrowed”. My earliest memory at 5 years old was the abrupt disappointment of understanding that I wasn’t a girl. This tension between my male personhood and my feminine identification of self has been life long. [I am now in my mid 60s].
Lauren, you as an accepting person, are a vital influence to your fiance’s confirmation of him/her self. Therein you are liberating and life affirming for him if he manages his femme self with integrity.
May God bless.
Charlene
Hi, Charlene,
I have an issue with your post(not with you, lol), and I feel I must respond.
Im not commenting on religion, per se, but about the belief that this is something frowned upon.
I was a devout protestant, when I was much younger, my family pretty much WAS the church in the small town I grew up in.
Where, in the bible, does it say anything about crossdressing being wrong? It is the people, of the various churchs, that have instilled most of the rights and wrongs, which are mostly used to create guilt in us, not the actual teachings of the lord. As I have said before, I have never seen a depiction of Jesus,the only member of the trinity we have seen, when he was not wearing a robe, which to my eyes, and mind, is a dress?
So please, dont say you shouldnt be here, because of your faith, to me that is just a club used against you, The lord accepts each of us, for who we are, and welcomes one and all, based on your heart, not our clothes.
Sorry if this upsets, anyone, it is just my belief.
Rant over,lol
Hugs, Regi💕👸Hi Regine. Thank you for your reply. No offense taken. I don’t embrace the modern day culture’s perspective that disagreement makes the disagreeing party opposition and the enemy. Good conversation will include some disagreement. Handled in a reasonable civil manner disagreement is both healthy and productive.
First please know that I am sorry for not making my point with more clarity. It is not my faith that I think should keep me from this site, rather my point was that my deeply held, daily and sincerely practiced to-this-day Biblical faith should have “delivered” me from my femme inclinations, yeah even my trans-woman self perception. If such fervent practice toward “deliverance” had “done its job” then I would not be on this site. There would be no need.
However, my point was to lay a solid groundwork for Lauren as to why my conclusion that “this won’t go away” is a valid conclusion.
Second: “where in the Bible does it say”. . . . Many a time have I been so queried. Truly a legitimate question. However I believe such discussion is not proper for our public forums unless the moderators approve. I would however be glad to discuss such [even with disagreement as part of the mix] a query privately if you are interested in doing so.
Kindly,
Charlene
A breath of fresh air…
Being CD doesn’t go away. All of us can confirm that. OK, we may wish at times that it had a “cure”, particularly in the early years. We have purges, we worry about our sexuality. We ignore it, as far as is possible. Doesn’t work. Never will.
Your husband is incredibly lucky to have such a loving supportive spouse. You’re just going to have to work at getting him to accept that he’s doing nothing wrong. There’s nothing to feel guilty about if you’re on board.
I think you both have some exploring to do, you lucky lucky people.
Connie
xxx
Hi Lauren, welcome to CDH, and thank you for being you.
There are so many girls on here, who do not have the love and support of their partner, which you offer, your mate is truly lucky to have you.
As the girls have already said, for most of us this will not go away, I disagree that it is like quitting smoking, or drinking, I have done both, and they are at basic, just habits, while this is who we are, fundamentally.
Have you discussed seeing a good therapist, with him/her? I haven’t personally needed to, I accept me for who I am, but a lot of the girls here, have, and do, and it seems to help them.
You mentioned finding emails, and social media accounts which were disturbing, do the contents and sites add a completely different aspect, to this? you dont really say.
I also encourage your fiancé to become a member here, there are literally thousands of us, and he would soon realize, he is in no way alone, and his feelings are simply fear, of who he/she is at her core.
Feel free to PM me at any time, and once again, thank you, for being the wonderful person you are
Hugs, Regi💕👸Hi Lauren,
I am posting this openly and as is, as an insight to all…
An answer to a friend about our divorce…
Indirectly… cross dressing, yet it was focused more on trust issues, that I lied to her about my desires for 25 years…
I should have been honest from the beginning…
Yet in the beginning it was a fantasy and I thought it would go away, so to me it was not an issue then… looking back with 2020 hindsight, it was and I lied to myself and the world – it manifested more as the stresses of life increased.
My stress increased with her lupus disease that caused us not to have children and continued with work issues…
Until I could not handle it any more… dressed more and then she found out!!! So it was a multitude of things that caused us to disconnect… Ultimately it was my choice on how I dealt with life!!!
Secrets always come out!
Yet in a sense I did not know it was a secret until it felt easier to hide it…
So I am to blame even though I can try to justify it – I have to deal with the heart ache and pain on both sides! Moving forward I can’t shake it!
A very hard lesson to learn… so soon / now I have to take stock and decide how to deal with the mess.
My world has crumbled but as I write this I am dressed as it is a strange comfort for me… a safe place…
Where to from here?
I don’t know!
Yet openness and honesty has to be from ground zero!
A warning or advice for anyone that has secrets, be it cross dressing or anything else!!!
So there you have it all – bared to the bone!
Roxie.
Hi Lauren you’ve found the absolute best site to help with your situation. I’ve only been on here for 3 months or so and everyone here has been a great help. Your spouse’s problem is what many here have gone through. I personally purged several times over the years, swearing to never do it again. Then some stressful event would come along and I would run for the comfort that dressing provides. He will hopefully come to terms with his feminine side as there is nothing wrong with having these feelings. The fault lies with a society that is currently not very accepting to us. The first time I said to myself that I’m a transgender person it felt very foreign, yet in the end it helped to settle the dysphoria that I had been living with. I think with your strong shoulder to lean on he will find acceptance and peace with being who he is. Hugs Katie
Hi Lauren,
I think you are already on the right track for wanting to help out your fiancee.
I can attest, as many others have, that it us not simething that will just go away. Truthfully i would dsre say the harder you try to repress it or shove it away into a corner. The stronger the desire to crossdress and enter that other self becomes overtime.
What you are doing is wonderful, and you’re amazing for being so supportive for your fiance.
Something that might help in showing support might be having a girls day with them. It doesnt have to be extravagant or even crossdressed. Just a day of girly activities could do wonders to help open them up about it.
Hugs,
KyraHi Lauren, welcome! I don’t want to repeat what other girls have already said. But, yeah, I used to think I could just quit forever, or that these feelings would go away. Not the case, at least that’s my experience. A turning point for me was when I accepted that this is just the way I am, and that it’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’m not out to many people in my life, but that is because I don’t think they are ready to handle the truth. There is nothing wrong with me. Well, at least not the crossdressing part. 🙂
Thank you for being a supportive SO! That is truly a treasure for CDs, and sadly, not as common as we would like. Perhaps some pre-marriage couples therapy would be helpful for you both to work through this all, before it becomes a bigger issue in the relationship.
Birel
Lauren,
Welcome to CDH. You will find a lot of support here, especially in the wives and significant others area. As someone who has been living with this since childhood I think I can say, that you have an accurate understanding that it is not something that will go away. Your fiance is blessed to have you. I hope you can work through this side of him/her.
Alana
Hello and welcome to CDH, the home of many beautiful ladies who are here to support and uplift others in their journey.
Show your support and you’re right in that this doesn’t go away. I have struggled with this lifestyle since I was experimenting as a boy, I tried squashing it the first few years of marriage but as you have said “it just comes back”. And now I have accepted it and dress when I can. Not fully out and still enjoy being in guy mode but now that I’m divorced I’m happy being a crossdresser.
A lot of ladies have already said what I want to say (just goes to show you the outpouring support) and I don’t want to repeat it. He is lucky to have you and I think you are every crossdressers dream.
Good luck and keep us updated
Lauren
Most answers on this topic say the same thing it’s all true, it’s all very well giving advice if the person needing it will be able to believe it’s right and convince himself we understand more than he would know, so your fiancé would do well to read all of this post then surely he can see he’s not alone. My story is very much the same as many many other CDs but one thing I know 100% is I was born this way and that is what makes me who I am with all that goes with it be it good or bad. I’ve always thought how difficult it is for a girl to understand why a boy would like to dress as a girl and I can see that point, a simple statement comes out of my mouth every time and has never changed, “ I like being dressed in pretty and feminine clothes” I was born that way and enjoy who I am till the day I die.
I also have a great wife.
Good luck
Susan
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I can’t say anything that hasn’t already been said by the other girls and its all good advice. Just wanted to pipe up and say we all support you and him. I Hope he will join this site so we can chat and help you both work things out. Good luck, you are a treasure.
Hi Lauren,
Welcome to CDH!
As others have stated cross dressing does not go away. One can try to suppress it but when the urgency returns the circumstances could be at a bad time. You seem like a caring and loving person. I (as have others) suggest open communication and setting guidelines with limits.
Alice
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