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Hi everyone,
I’ve posted a few times lately about how well things are going with my SO and generally they are but we hit a few bumps over the weekend and thought I’d share in case it helps someone who’s struggling with their relationship too.
So for those that don’t know, I’ve been fully dressing at home in front of my wife now, at her suggestion, for maybe a couple of months. Before this, I underdressed for 20 years and had recently started to collect more outerwear, makeup, breast forms, shoes etc. She was aware of all of that and was OK.
A few weeks ago I was feeling particularly dysmorphic about body hair and got a bee in my bonnet (I really need a proper hat) about laser hair removal and made an appointment for a consult. That happened this past Saturday and that seems to have triggered some deep seated fears in my wife. I guess because it’s new and permanent-ish. It’s interesting to me because she’s aware that these things don’t truly affect her, I’m not doing anything to her directly per se, but her initial reaction is to recoil a bit anyway. She was getting a bit testy with me yesterday, starting to use my dressing against me if anything seemed to bother her. I drew her attention to it but didn’t discuss further because I had an idea of what was going on and didn’t want to poke the bear while it was dealing with something. We had a brief discussion this morning and calmly aired a few things out though. Now we wait to see what comes of it. Interestingly she said the flipping back and forth between male and female presentation is challenging for her.
I get the sense that she’s trying to figure out where I’m going to end up so she can make a decision now about how to proceed with her life. Which is fair enough, she didn’t marry someone who looked like a woman even if there was one buried deep inside.
I’m now trying to figure out if I can compromise in some ways that will satisfy both of us enough to keep the thing moving forward. I should mention that she’s also dealing with a lot in her personal/family life outside of my craziness and that is definitely adding to things. So I’m really trying be calm, like feeding a dangerous animal… trying hard not to get my hand bit while being supportive and trying to live my life too.
Anyway, I really don’t know how things are going to work out. Life is short though, that’s the only thing I really know. That and someone said “You can’t always get what you want”…
So you know, if you’re also struggling with your partner, I wish you good luck and hope that cool heads will win the day. You’re not alone, that’s for sure. I’m available to chat if anyone wants.
— Abbie 🥰
Dear Abbie ,
Maybe your intention to remove body hair permanently caught her of guard ,
and as you say , she is dealing with issues in her personal/family life , that may be a bit much for her right now.
I think she needs you now to be her anchor , so she can deal with those personal issues she is having.
I don’t have a SO , and don’t know your wife , so I am only gessing of course , but just support her in any way you can with these issues and let things workout for themselves.
Then if things calm down in her personal life , she will probably have a more welcoming ear to your Feminine needs.Love Sylvia.
Hi Sylvia,
The hair removal might have caught her off guard. I had asked her about it a few months ago and she had indicated it wouldn’t bother her but perhaps she was surprised that I initiated some action on that front and combined with all the things going on it triggered the old ‘fight or flight’ response. I’m not horribly surprised by all of this really. It all seems understandable but was hoping the discussion might be useful for someone on the the forum. Not to say I’m not interested in everyone’s input though! Thanks for your thoughts.
EDIT: Just caught the “Dear Abbie”, lol. First time that’s been used :-).
— Abbie 🥰
Abbie…
You all know that I live alone…but I know what I see on this site…
Lots of girls crossdress…and get the support from their wives…which is wonderful….I love that!!!
But as it progresses, and you act more and more female….I totally understand a wife thinking….where will this all end??
I’m sure she’s happy to share you, but is totally scared of losing you…
Just my opinion…grace xx
Hi Grace,
yes, I’m sure. She’s transitioning in a way too and the emotions are complex to say the least. Just need to return our seat backs in the upright position and fasten our seatbelts for the turbulence ahead :-).
— Abbie 🥰
best wishes honey xx
Dani…I’m sorry you are struggling too…just wanted to say, I love your profile pic…huggs x
Best of luck to you too Dani.
— Abbie 🥰
Hi Abbie wishing you and your SO the best and hope things do work out. Know at times being together can be struggles. Never really been there. Know when was married before x wife accepted to a point then thinking was cheating on her which never done. but long story short caught her cheating on me. So we split. Now being transtion my bf that been going with for few months know my whole story and is ok with everything.
Again wishing the best
Hugs
DonnaThanks Donna,
that doesn’t sound fun either. This is my second marriage, my first folded for similar reasons to yours. Luckily we were young and splitting was simple. I’m glad to hear you’re in a good relationship, wishing the best for you too!
— Abbie 🥰
thank you Abbie again best wishes for yourself and other.
Donna
Thanks Liara!
— Abbie 🥰
I don’t mean to be rude, but don’t you think you are being a little self-centered?
You should be so lucky to have her understanding and allow you to dress at home in front of her. Doing this is harmless and it’s nice to have an excepting wife.
I think you should reconsider getting permanent hair removal. I can understand her fear. She’s probably thinking, next you will want surgery. Think about it!
She did marry a man and I’m sure she doesn’t want to lose him. Having a feminine side that you need to express from time to time is one thing, but if you are pushing to feminize your body in ways that cannot be reversed then I think you are on a slippery slope to losing her.
Well, no. or maybe yes. Doing anything for yourself is self-centred technically but that’s not what you meant. Not that I don’t understand your comments, I agree with all of it. But this is incredibly important for me as well. I’ve already suffered for 40+ years by hiding this side of me. I was in a deep depression for 15 of those. I’m trying to make my life better which should make our life together better too but it’s going to be hard, no doubt about it. Who wants to be married to a depressed guy, it’s not fun.
My wife understands, we’re both working through this. I’m willing to do what it takes, up to a point, and if that means compromising on my goals then so be it, I mentioned that in my original post.
You may have misunderstood the point of this post and that’s probably my fault but to be clear, I love my wife, she’s been very accepting and even supportive but occasionally she gives me enough rope to hang myself with and I thought sharing this experience might help others to see that they’re not alone. This isn’t meant to be an indictment of my wife by any stretch in fact I was hoping I sounded sympathetic to her plight.
— Abbie 🥰
Hi Abbie,
Just my thoughts, and full disclosure, my wife is fully onboard with however far I wish to take this, including HRT or surgery, as long as it makes me happy.
This is for all the girls, struggling with acceptance from their SO’s.
My wife and I have been together any many years, and have gone through so many ups and downs, sometimes we get seasick, lol, but the key, I have found, to remaining together and being happy, is to talk, talk, and talk some more. We are both very open, about every thought we each have, and we LISTEN, to each other, if not the first time, then certainly the second. If, you are with the right person, in my opinion, your happiness must be as important as their own, and visa versa. and through deep, heartfelt conversations, pretty much anything can be resolved.
If this is truly who you are, it can take pain, on both sides, but is so worth it in the end
Wishing you peace,
Hugs, Regi👸💖Thanks Regine,
important words for sure and a hopeful message which I could use too. Hugs
— Abbie 🥰
So may parallels with my life.
Permanence. Permanence is scary for SOs. Many years ago, I started to shave my legs. Then I progressed to an epilator and used to epilate regularly. This has ultimately lead to me having very few hairs on my legs as epilating pulls the roots out. My wife didn’t realise that epilating could lead to permanent hair loss. She is quite sad that I no longer have, or will ever have hairy legs.
I have made a promise not to remove any of my body hair. She likes my hairy chest and tummy. The only parts that get shaved are my face and my legs. Even my armpits stay hairy… I did shave them once, and she freaked out.
Laser is permanent. Think about this. Think about your SO. Are you planning to transition? This will be a massive worry for her.
My wife is worried that I will one day decide to live full time as a woman. Whilst I dress most of the time, I have no desires to be a woman. My wife worries that every small step I take moves me further to living as a female. I keep telling her that I am happy being a man, but she still carries this concern.
Two months ago, completely out of the blue, she suggested that I get my ears pierced. I questioned her to make sure she was happy. On the way to the piercing studio, I questioned her to make sure she was happy. At the studio, as we were booking in, I questioned her to make sure she was happy. Many times in the three hours between booking in and returning for the appointment, I questioned her to make sure she was happy. Walking back to the studio, I questioned her to make sure she was happy. Waiting to be called into the piercing room, I questioned her to make sure she was happy.
If at any time I detected a hint of hesitance, I would have cancelled.
Why was I so determined to make sure that she was OK with me getting my ears pierced? Permanence!
You and your SO are a unit. Two halves of the same entity. I know what it’s like to have these mad desires. I also know of the trouble that acting on these desires can cause. I once plucked my eyebrows without discussing it with my wife. Kaboom! Stupid idea. They took forever to grow back! A few times since getting my ears pierced, I have regretted it. It blows hot and cold…. Most of the time I’m very happy to have pierced ears, but sometimes I regret it. The permanent mark is just two little dots on my ears. Not large hairless areas.
Talk with your SO. Shave the areas you wish were hairless and see how your SO reacts. Let her get used to the idea before making things permanent. Keep her happy, and you’ll stay happy. I dress 80% of the time. I know how lucky I am. I also know what not to do, or when not to do something. Permanence is scary. Are you really sure that you want to take that step?Cerys.
This is very ‘on the nose’ for me, I see my situation in almost all of it. These permanent steps are scary for sure and require a deep commitment and need.
I had a very long comment all typed out but decided it was too personal. The short story though is that this is very serious for both of us. I’m definitely not dressing for trivial reasons but I can pause almost everything to save my wife.
Thanks Cerys, your points were important.
— Abbie 🥰
Hi Abbie,
I see you live out west. I hope you’re not affected by the flooding in BC. My heart goes out to everyone who lost so much.
Abbie, take a break! Help your SO with the stuff she’s dealing with. Set aside your “Abbie” suitcase, even if it’s for days or weeks, and take her hand, give her a hug and then get to work helping her out!
Once things settle down, then talk about your needs. Your SO will have a better state of mind to understand you.
Show her Abbie inside the man you still are, then perhaps the two can coexist. That’s what I do with my SO and it’s done wonders in her understanding of me.
Good luck, Abbie!
Dr Sigmund Barb 🩺
Hi Barb!
Yes, affected by the flooding but not in the flooding thankfully. So many people losing their homes or possibly losing their insurance. The 3rd Atmospheric River in two weeks is going to hit us tonight/tomorrow. I’m hoping for the best, I’m sure my family will be fine though.
I agree with hitting pause, I’ve already offered that up to my wife as an olive branch and will do whatever it takes in the short term. She has a lot on her plate and I don’t need to be making it harder. I’m trying to get her to drop out and do a spa weekend or something. We’ll see. She might join CDH BTW!
— Abbie 🥰
My goodness! Things on CDH seem to come in waves. For a while, it felt like I read post after post about SOs coming around and accepting, even participating in our endeavors. It was so uplifting, even while I remained in the closet.
Lately, I hear from some stalwart girls that their wives/SOs are pushing back, that they are leaving CDH, or taking a sabbatical.
It reminds me to remain vigilant and monitor my own wife’s moods, since I am probably in a serious DADT status, what with her having seen signs of my feminine side lately.
Wishing you the best, Abbie and all the other girls here struggling with SO issues. 💋
Much love,
RaquelRaquel, For many, if not most of us, things go tits up, and often with no warning.
I posted recently about my wife being OK with me wearing natural coloured nails…. This lasted two hours… She was happy. Earlier in the day she said that she would crimp my hair. She likes messing with my hair and does all sorts of things to it other than cutting or dyeing. So we’re sat watching telly, I’m enjoying my nails and the general happiness when I asked if she wanted me to get the stuff ready to do my hair…. KABOOM!
My nails were OK…. Doing my hair was OK…. The two together freaked her out. She then remembered her old anxiety from many years ago about me having nails….
No warnings, no signs, not a hint of trouble. She was happy.
The usual night of “discussion” followed. My loathing of being a crossdresser followed ( I do hate what I am and wish I could stop). My packing everything away followed. My depression followed. I lasted 4 days before I buckled and put on a dress. Hating myself for doing so… But all is good again…. I’m happy. My wife is happy and all is good between us…. Until I cross another invisible boundary.Cerys
Cerys, I’m right there with you in that first part, it can be hard to get your bearings sometimes. I’m so sad to hear about your internal struggles. I’ve been there for many years and am finally feeling better personally. The self-loathing has receded for now. For me it was all about self acceptance and honestly I haven’t quite figured out how I did that. I hope you find a similar peace.
If you want to chat privately, I’m available. Hugs
— Abbie 🥰
Understood, that’s a tough spot to be in. I hope you find a way through someday. I had a good cry today when my wife told me how she was feeling, it wasn’t about the dressing thankfully but it doesn’t really matter when someone you love is in pain.
— Abbie
Yes, we love our wives so very much. The thought of hurting them is unbearable, regardless of the cause. 😢
But we can only do so much when we are who we are. Hiding it, repressing it, is the only way to avoid being the source of their ?anxiety?
We can’t change them. They are the only ones who can change themselves and it is extremely difficult.
Thanks for sharing this. Life as a CD or with a CD is best described as a roller coaster without an attendant to stop it when the screaming gets to be too much. I experience many of the same ups and downs you, and others, talk about. It feels like my “permissions” change quite regularly. I adapt and make do as best I can. I don’t always fully understand what makes me a CD, so explaining it or asking my SO to just understand and accept is difficult.
It seems you have a good attitude about things and a fairly open line of communication with your SO. That’s a good thing. Besides, who wants gumdrops and puppies all the time anyway? 😉
Thanks Emily,
true, it can’t be ‘up’ all the time :-). Communication is the key though, otherwise you get blindsided. Or you get blindsided anyway but at least you can talk about it afterwards.
— Abbie 🥰
Abbie, I think all of us who have told our SO’s have been here. Mine have known for 20 years of our 35 years together. Been told not to dress twice maybe three times and now can whenever I like with a couple of caveats. Since I have been given the all clear I am very aware of not pushing the boundaries. So if Katie needs to be benched for awhile I’ll do it, just so my wife will be aware her man is still around. Their insecurities will never go away, so be all need to be conscious and aware of the signs. Good luck.
Thanks Katie,
I’m hoping that’s roughly where we settle. I think this recent bit of tension actually forced us to communicate a bit more clearly than we had been. Funny how that works sometimes. We had talked lots before but the heat of battle seemed to help us get to the deeper issues. Everyone seems to have a better picture of the possibilities now, it feels like things will be OK. Though I’m sure there will be more hiccups along the way.
— Abbie 🥰
Over all the years I have dressed I have found that the need to calm the desire to dress I forgot that she has needs too. After the marriage ended we got to talk to a new level. She told me how she felt that her needs were being ignored. She understood my need but that I was more concerned with taking care of my needs than hers. I won’t speak for others but the desire for mental balance is talked about a lot here and I understand but we have to come to another balance which is just as hard. Balance in our SO’s mind is just as important to them as it is to us. I tried for years to find balance within myself, that I gave no attention to how she was taking all this. I am married now and having honest and open discussions of how she feels and thinks when see me dressed in anything. I will show concern for how she is feeling about her man in what ever. My SO gets turned off if I dress for sex. There are a lot of triggers that we are not aware of. Like female mannerisms while dressed for my SO is also something she said change her opinion on my dressing. She felt threaten. Why. She just does. Another is I have great legs and she tells me all the time but when those legs are in nylons and emerging from the bottom of a dress well that is another thing that ring the bell. Once again why. It just does
It can be extremely hard to reach down and say what you really feel. It is the same for them. Time to talk about her feelings. Time to show that you are as concerned about her and what she wants and feels. Once you have done that she will want to know your side. Be ready to tell her the whole truth not just what is obvious. If you love her you will find each other. She wants the man she married. So be that man. She will feel less itimidated by your need to dress.A bit late, but I’ve realized this line “I’ve been fully dressing at home in front of my wife now, at her suggestion, for maybe a couple of months.” has caused some misunderstandings about the situation here. I didn’t mean to imply that I was fully dressing 100% of the time though I realize it can be read that way. I was just trying to indicate the period in which I’d begun fully dressing en femme. I’m probably fully or partially dressing 4-5 days a week, many of those are when my wife is away. My apologies if you were misled.
— Abbie 🥰
Thank you so much for sharing. We are going through a very difficult time as well. So much so that I am crying whilst typing this. Maybe it has something to do with the weather or holidays or hormones.. not sure, but our relationship is strained due to my husband as Christine. I blame myself mostly.
As an SO, I feel confused and conflicted, and my mood changes from day to day. My husband has always had a strong personality. I have always sat in the background. When he introduced me to Christine, I wanted to embrace her, be a part of her life. Dress with her and share that part of my husband. I find myself loving it one day and hating it the next. I had the idea to create an Instagram to show off all of her dresses (some mine) and how well her make-up looks. It seemed a wonderful outlet for her. Some days I LOVE the attention she is getting and other days I hate it! Mostly because her personality has shifted from shy and grateful to the strong willed persona my husband has. Now I feel like I sit in the shadows of two people. I will buy her things like a make-up case and the next week, tell my husband I am having a difficult time with the idea of Christine. My bi-polar views have now pushed my husband away. Perhaps to the point of no return. I was told today that Christine will only come out when I am not around, and I am no longer to be a part of the dressing up or going out, which makes me very sad!
This journey is not easy for anyone. I cant imagine what he goes thru. But SOs also go thru a lot as well. Just be patient with your SO, as the journey is hers as well.
Love to All!
I’m sorry to hear about your troubles. Hopefully time will ease things for you both. Thanks so much for replying to this, it’s super important and valuable to hear things from the SO perspective. We’re actually doing much better now, some lengthy and honest conversations helped. Hugs
— Abbie 🥰
Hi Celeste,
my path won’t include surgery but I haven’t ruled out HRT. My dream was to juggle both looks as needed. It was my wife that kept encouraging me to do more and I kinda knew it was a trap in a way, or risky at the least. I think she thought this process would be over real quick and she’s seeing now that it’s going to take probably years to unfold which is really what’s freaking her out I think.
— Abbie 🥰
unless you do what I did sped up the process and went under surgery and had some things done could have waited years for things but didn’t want to wait any longer
Donna
I think mine thought it was just a phase I was going through. When it turned out not to be the case, she asked me to stop. I could have refused, but I value her opinion. No way I could dress in front of her, or even discuss it, knowing that she was thinking I was some kind of pervert.
If you’re lucky enough to have a supportive SO, or even one that just tolerates your situation, do whatever it takes to keep them on side. The alternative, as the OP has it, is neither gumdrops nor puppies.
Connie
xxx
That’s the truth for sure Connie, thanks.
— Abbie 🥰
I never stop being grateful in having a supportive wife. We have rules but they are fair and easy for me too follow.
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