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So a bit of backstory. My wife and I have been together for about9 years and married for 2. She has known of my bisexual past and crossdressing since date #3.
We played with it a lot in the beginning. First with me showing her my female wardrobe, then with bedroom play etc.
She told me a few years back that it did nothing for her and I took that as a sign that I should hide it or I would lose her.
Years passed and recently, about 2 months ago i decided to come out to her all over again. It went well and she has been very supportive. I keep my legs shaved and toes painted. We have had a couple of girls nights where we both get dressed up and watch our favorite shows together.
I think it may be in my own mind, but i have been reading an uncomfortable vibe from her and have not been dressing around her.
I am not trying to hide it from her but am if you understand that. I don’t want to make her uncomfortable.
I have also not brought it up to her as I would rather her bring it up to me. We both have a tough time expressing feelings.
I have however turned down a couple of opportunities to dress up around her as I don’t want to add to her discomfort.
What should i do, wait for her to talk to me, bring up the elephant in the room, or leave it alone?
I think you are fine. Tell her how you really feel about it. Im certain that she will let you know where she stands.
My wife and I do girls night often. We have a few drinks, talk, watch shows or movies.
Sounds to me shes accepted it and not to concerned about it. Your not hurting anyone, perhaps just reading into it compounded with the worry.
Honestly I think your in good with her. Perhaps she is waiting for you to dazzle her further!
Best of luck! You’ll do great!
I also advise not to pressure the subject, it will make her feel trapped and insecure. She already knows your stance, she needs time to process it as a whole.
My wife and I set date nights or girls night and just go with it.
We do talk about all aspects of CD, we also have an understanding that this is who i am as it does affect her too.
Just give her the time and space she needs. She will talk about it with you.
Ronnie,
Ky advice is to speak to your wife. Encourage her to be forthcoming by being open and honest yourself. I would also advise you to remember that your wife does need her husband. By that, I mean it is important occassionally and regularly to be the quintessential gentleman and allow your wife to be the wonderful lady she is without competition.
Mackenzie Alexandra
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Hi Ronni. I am wishing you the best of luck but also some words of caution. I agree with MacKinzie and Shawnna that you should talk with her. Find out what her ground rules are and work within them. If she feels she has some control and say in matters it will make her feel more comfortable with the situation. If you just quit talking she will feel excluded and alienated. Remember what ever you do you must LISTEN. It is about you both and MacKinzie is very astute in her observations regarding your wife needing her husband and a man around.
🍷C
Hi Ronnie
That uncomfortable feeling, and the not really hiding it, but keeping it away from the wife is such an uncomfortable spot to be in. Personally, the just open with this side of me, and the keeping it to myself kind of ebbs and flows. One of the times my wife and I had discussed it, she had said too that it does nothing for her, and it caused an ebb, much for the same reasons you felt, and I am sure many of us in similar situations have. The fear of loosing them, a sense of rejection, worry of if your partner is being honest with you about their feelings when they say they are supportive. Even when there is a part of you that is saying you know them, and that your just freaking yourself out. I ended up talking to her, and found it was build up in my head. What she meant was far from what I built up.
Not talking with her could likely lead to continuing building up something larger in your head, and that just leads to problems. Not just as a couple, but for yourself.
As Shawnna said, it sounds like she has accepted you and you are fine. I may mis understood what you typed, but it sounds like you are passing on opportunities to dress that are coming from her? I would think that is an indicator that she, and you two, are okay. I know sometimes easier said then done, but sometimes we need to get out of our own way. Good luck
[quote quote=102409]Thanks Sarah. Your reply is exactly what was going on. She has also been shying away from talking about boundaries. I have finally gotten her to open up a bit and helped her to set a few. She is becoming a lot more comfortable and has even recently bought me a new dress. Comunication is the key.
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Hi Ronnie,Sounds like all of the previous advice was correct. My advice was going to be honesty, patience, and understanding. I am happy that it has worked out for you and that is the guiding light that shows us all the way to happiness with our SO. TTFN💋👠
Danielle
Similar here. But thirty yrs married and have only presented as a “cis-gender guy with a feminine side”. Been dressed and dressing since four (dressed) and began doing full fem clothes and makeup on my own in my teens.
The wife has noted I am changing internally and truly loves the person MariaBella. The male thing had become a real wedge as I was so conflicted and angry all the time.
I tell you my story in hopes you can perhaps give your wife reason to love your femme self even more than your heteronormative self. In my situation I think she is beginning to see what she will gain is FAR more than the loss of an old angry white man ready to die
Besos quierida💋. MariaBella
I think that you’re doing the right thing by no not pressuring the situation. As you said
She knows. Perhaps set a girls night up then discuss it and ask her how she feels. You would be surprised if she doesn’t mind. This is apart of who you are.
My wife is very supportive, in fact she encourages it. It allows me to open up more and really be myself. I think she’s accepted it just give her the time to adjust. But set a girls night up and see.
My fiancé told me early on about his CDing, truly expecting me to dump him. He dresses infrequently and I’ve encouraged him to dress for me(he’s big into lingerie and anything sheer and lacy) but he’s not comfortable yet, bad past experiences with an ex makes him believe I’ll just ridicule him and throw the matter in his face. I find it sad that some women lose their minds over cross dressing, try telling them they can never wear pants or one of your comfy t shirts again and see how that goes! Honestly the only thing that bothers me is his body shaving… I absolutely LOVE his chest hair! We are a pretty “adventurous” couple and he is insanely attentive to my wants and needs. Admittedly I was pretty shocked when my SO told me, he’s an Alpha male, 6’2” and muscular. My trepidation stopped when he was close to tears and told me he’d never dress again if it made me happy and I wouldn’t leave him… Damn, I thought… I’m a jerk that he even thought I’d leave him for this!!! I guess another thing that bothers me is he’s not able to dress in front of me yet, we are a very open couple and talk about “Melanie” often, I’ve just never had the pleasure of seeing her yet… any ideas of how I can assure him he can be himself with me? He is aware that I dated another CDer back in the 90s and knows I was accepting of her too…
[quote quote=112489]I guess another thing that bothers me is he’s not able to dress in front of me yet, we are a very open couple and talk about “Melanie” often, I’ve just never had the pleasure of seeing her yet… any ideas of how I can assure him he can be himself with me?[/quote]
To Kate,
Melanie is lucky to have you. It’s great that you are able to see that her experience with SO has not always been positive. Coming to grips with our true nature is hard for us, and part of it is the shaming that we fear. You are kind to honor that.
When I was married, I would occassionally wear my one skirt around my wife, and even bought one when we were out shopping. I was giddy with that purchase, though she seemed a little uncomfortable. I didn’t know that I had a girl hiding in me, it seemed like just an erotic thing, so we didn’t really talk about it.
One time she came into the room wearing my skirt as foreplay, and I loved it. I wonder if she was trying to reclaim the sexy one role, the feminine that might have felt threatened by my feminine expression that might reduce my “need” for her.
And she did say at one time, rather darkly, “You’re not one of those who wants to wear my things, are you?” “Of course not!” I replied. I had been wearing her skirts and her lingerie. I turned back the clock; no more skirts, and my hopes for moving on to lingerie felt dashed.
So as to your dilemma of getting Melanie comfortable with dressing in front of you, perhaps you can request her to start slow. Maybe skinny jeans or leggings for a while, maybe a skirt over leggings for a while, then maybe a skirt without leggings, maybe ask her to wear panties under her jeans when you go out together as cis couple. Add shaving, or toe nail polish at some point. Keep adding so that each step feels natural.
As I contemplate my next relationship, my thought is to follow this strategy, as opposed to the usual shock and awe approach.
Any thoughts out there on this idea? How would it work for you? (CDers and SOs)
(I’m going to re-post this as a separate topic, thanks)
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