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Hello, i recently discivered this about my partner a month ago. He describes himself as a transvestite hence why ive used this term. He dosnt want to transition but enjoy dressing in female attire to relax. Hes very ashamed of this and hes struggled to be open with me.
Im trying to be supportive but im very new to this. He has various sets of clothes here and at his home to dress in. I am happy with this at home and we watch telly n cook and do all normal couple things and he will wear what he wants. Same for during sex. I have zero issue with this and enjoy him being happy.
Im less comfortable out but ive arranged a pro trans night out after some research and thats in the next few weeks. It will be his first time out dressed in 20 years. Im a bit nervous but its okay.
Im struggling as i feel im losing my identity a bit due to this. Hes pushing me to do my nails and dress up and im not that kind of girl, i never have been. He sends me loads of outfit suggestions for him or me and im just a bit ovwrwhelmed.
I dont want to upset him and rain on his prade but im struggling a bit and need to be able to talk about that but hes very sensative due to previous rejection on this issue. Does anyone have any advice?
Hello Marie,
I am no expert in these things, but my wife has wondered whether my desire to crossdress is because she isn’t included to sexy lingerie, nice nails etc. Alternatively, it may be they are trying to ‘enjoy being girls together’.
That said your partner is extremely lucky you allow them to dress as they like and you are even prepared to go to a trans night with them, very few partners are that accommodating. At the the risk of being controversial it seems to me you allow him/her to wear whatever she they like, even presenting as a women, and they should allow you to present as you wish. So if, for you, dressing in a less girly manor than your partner does that should be fine and they should not try to change it, just as you aren’t trying to change them.
I think you should gently tell them this before it becomes an issue and impacts their dressing. Good luck.
Natasha xx
Thanks, partner is lovely but extreamly sensative due to a long history of rejection. Im quite nervous about dampening their enthusiasms as they are soo happy at the momment and i like that.
I think i need to be clear and firm about boundires, which i have been but there getting pushed now, so need to re emphasise.
I love my partner for who they are and i will support them in any way i can but this is new to me and im bound to get nervous or unsure and need reassurnace.
Thank you x
In my relationship with my wife she likes different styles and types of clothes than I do. I don’t try to change the woman I married. I liked her before and I love her after for everything that is her. She loves me as well and lets me dress as I like. My problem is showing my style. But that is something different.
Your feeling overall are the ones that he needs to see and feel. Life is never me me me. You are telling him your feeling. Because in love and relationships peoples feeling are expressed pretty much without control. Sometimes with just an expression. Sometimes explosive. In the end it is my job to know when my wife feels sad, troubled, or concerned so I can address what ever is troubling her. That is how relationship work. Loving you should be all of you. That is all I want in this world. I don’t need a special day. I don’t expect everyone to except my preferences but to just understand I have my preferences. Be true to yourself. I don’t think you should tell him how lucky he is to have you. He should know. If he has lost himself with in herself he needs to start recognizing that your not happy and that you need attention.
Tell him your feelings. Make the conversation about you not his dressing. His past experiences with his dressing has nothing to do with your feelings. Just like him you have a past that effect you here in the present. Your feelings are just as important as his.
First, they’re very lucky to have you. Not all partners are supportive, and most partners need some sort of compromise to live with a crossdresser.
Second, asking for a compromise is your right. Just like you’re encouraging them to dress how they want, you should dress how you want. You’re not rejecting their dressing by not getting your nails done or wearing certain outfits yourself.
Maybe couples therapy would help with communicating and with the issues of rejection. No shame in seeking help.
Xoxo,
Dani
Marie,
Thanks for coming to CDH and for trying to live with a crossdresser, or transvestite, as she would call herself.
I think you should try to tell your partner exactly what you said above. Hopefully they are not so sensitive as to misinterpret your understanding point of view as well as your inclinations to present yourself in the manner you chose. Good luck.
Much love,
Raquel
Hi Marie, thank you for sharing that story, and may I add it is so wonderful that you are making such an effort to support and understand your partner. So many of us can be very sensitive and brittle when it comes to being critiqued. Spending time and doing things together must make them feel so much more accepted! However, do not dismiss your own feelings of dress, not everyone likes getting “all dressed up”. As you respect their desire to dress up, they should also respect your desire to dress down, as it were. Everyone has different tastes in fashions, to each their own, right?
And you are arranging a pro trans night out for the two of you. Bless you for making such an effort!! That is an incredible effort you are making. 🤗
Stevie
Hi Marie,
I am a GG and my husband is a CD.First of all, you have come to the right place for support and education. I’ve found these ladies to be a tremendous asset in my life right now. There is also a section just for us SO and that has much to offer as well.
My advice is to be proactive when things are beginning to bother you. I am new to navigating this journey and have suffered “the dreaded whiplash.” It is a recipe for disaster when you feel like you aren’t enough or doing enough to be pretty yourself. An open and honest conversation is the only way to go. Set your boundaries in order to preserve the greater good. You don’t push your partner not to do things and likewise they shouldn’t push you to do things.
Your partner has found his unicorn and risks scaring it away by trying to tie-dye it…He needs to see the value in what an amazing partner you are without making you feel like less.
Best wishes,
Betty🦄Marie,
Thank you for being supportive, understanding and willing to participate and help him (her) be happy. It is a lot to take on, but in my opinion well worth it in the long run.
I have been dressing since I was 5 yrs old, and just like your SO, enjoy dressing up to relax and love the look n feel…specially with a partner to share it with.
Cross dressers in general can get over excited when we haev a partner that is excepting and willing to participate. Sad to say, not all ladies are excepting like you are. You need to have very open and honest communications and both be able to explain where you are, what you want and need for BOTH of you…not just him(her)
You need time to adjust to this new way so you can get comfortable with it.
Leah
xo
Its ok to say both a) i’m fine with you dressing up, b) let me be me and you be you.
Hey Marie,
CIS girl here. I am also not a “girlie girl” and in fact my husband dresses way more feminine than I do. I have found that I actually enjoy doing some things with my husband now that I never did much on my own, either when he’s in drab or en femme (like at home face masks and couples pedicures). Talk to your partner about respecting your boundaries, and that while you are supportive of his dressing, he should be supportive of your style. Most CD’s that have a supportive partner are so very grateful for that fact that they will bend over backwards to make their partner happy. He may just be so excited that you are going about with business as usual with him dressed en femme that he has a bit of pink fog going on and lost sight of your needs. Open up the lines of communication. And do check out the groups on this sight For the Wives and Significant Others, and Ladies with Accepting Wives or Partners (And Their Wives and Partners)Hi Marie
I think you are amazing to be going as far as scheduling a pro trans night on top of everything else you do!
You should not have to be dressing in any way that you are not comfortable with.You Should find a way to let your partner know extra girly is ok for him, but you like the girl that you are just fine.
I hope you find a comfortable path for you both!
💕Lara
Marie,
A thought just occurred to me. Invite your partner to join CDH and show them this thread. It will indicate your devotion to supporting them as well as, perhaps, let them know how it feels to be told what to do.Hi Marie, Your partner is very fortunate to have someone like you. Your dedication to the relationship is remarkable. I just hope he realizes it and reacts accordingly. Partners like you are rare! Hugs, Paulette
Thank you.
So i think some of the issue is his lack of female idnetity.. So weve done make up, nails and plus jve bought him a dress which is flattering and he seems very happy.
He keeps suggesting i have a princess in me and ive strongly stated i am not that nor do i want to be a girly girl.
So we will see but its going a bit better.
Thanks
Soo to updste everyone.. We did the dressed night out and it went really well. Hes super happy and i wasnt at all uncomfortable. Was fab!
Hi Marie, I’m so glad you had a good experience! Just like anything else in a relationship, you should be able to tell your SO when you are overwhelmed or they are “pushing” you in a direction that is not right for you. If it were something like football or cricket, they were totally into it, and pushed you to be as in love with it as they are, it would not be fair for them to do that.
But, if you can lean in to it and reach compromises about it, it sounds like you will have a very rich and fulfilling relationship. Congratulations and best of luck to you both!
Hugs,
Brie
Great post. And yes, you’re a unicorn! I’m single, but when I’m in a relationship, I really enjoy my partner being girly girl. I love femininity so much that I just want to breathe in my partner any means I can. Which is why when I get dressed, I go ultra girly girl, because that’s what I’m attracted to.
The problem I’ve had with prior relationships, is the woman will be super girly girl at first as they know what I like, but as soon as we’re in a relationship, all of the sudden the girly girl stops and they don’t put much effort into themselves. I’m not saying it has to be every day, but if we’re going to a nice event, or even on a date night, I want to show off my partner (regardless of “attractiveness”).
Anyhow, in that regard, it sounds like your SO just really loves femininity and the girly girl aspects of it.
Regardless, communication is really all anyone can do to resolve pretty much anything in life.
I agree completely, Celeste. We gurls place a peculiar burden upon our partners in asking them to tolerate, if not embrace, our desire to dress the way we do. The least we can do in response is to not attempt to force style choices on her.
My wife and I have different styles and I think it’s great. When she goes shopping for herself, she will occasionally come across a top or dress which is decidedly not her style, but she’ll often bring it home because she thought “Charlotte might like this.” Yay!
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