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Last night, while I was certain I wasn’t ready to come out to my wife, I felt she deserved to know I was going through a lot of old emotions that go far back before ever knowing her.
I told her that because I am so happy with my life now, great burdens from family, employment, and stability have gone and life-long issues from the past are getting attention at last, whether I want to face them or not. Not too surprisingly she feared the worst, asking in only half-joke if I had ever murdered, raped, or the like or if I had a “fetish” (very complicated to react to that, right?) It became clear that she would feel worse wondering what it was than telling her the truth. Her words were, “that’s it!?” but I don’t know if you could quite call it “relief.”
As almost everyone who is open with their wife knows, this will take some time. I don’t know how much I will ever be able to dress around her or our children or how this will affect her attraction to me in the long-term. I am excited to buy some clothes and put them on whenever I get the chance, but I think I need to focus on showing her that the man I am has not changed, and can only change for the better.
Hearts and rainbows,
Aoife
Aoife, it is a tough one. I have gone through two wifes. The first was into it and actually got me started as she was a makeup artist and I learned a lot about makeup from her. It was fun, but there just seems to be something about it that woman have a hard time with. It didn’t take long after we were married that she started becoming disinterested. Although I live two different lives I guess I kind of got carried away with it. She would come home and I would be putting on makeup. It finally ended.
The second wife was never into it and by the time I married her I had purged and left it. I worked hard and built a life, even had a child. However, over the years my desire/lust to dress came back. When I made love to my wife I would always buy her very pretty lingerie. It wasn’t long before she go the hint and to really get me going would put her panties and stockings on me while we were making love, with lots of foreplay. That one ended to as I became more and more engulfed into dressing up. I started a secret wardrobe and it wasn’t long before she had found it. I got so deep into it I basically told her, well this is me and I can’t change. This marriage deteriorated and we divorced.
I know accept this is who I am. I have plenty of chances to meet and date women, but I am really looking hard for the right one this time. How does a guy, who is handsome and nice, tell a date, “Hey I really like to wear a dress and frilly lingerie when I go to the gay bars”?
Jennifer, this is definitely a horrible situation. I can’t imagine how it can get better right now. That could change in a few hours or even minute though. She’s very up and down, mostly uncertain of what I want in the long term. I think we need to just ignore the long term. It’s all “what does this mean?” and there are no answers for that. I hope that the fact that I love her and our daughter and will almost always – probably all times that she sees me, be the same man I’ve ever been, just hopefully happier if we can move past the shock a bit…
I get scared even when she moves toward acceptance, “I just hope you don’t want to do ____” when I know that maybe I do want to go that far. We’ll see. I can’t lose her. Nothing would be worth it.
Hearts and rainbows,
Aoife
Dear Aoife, I know what you mean. Take it very easy with her. Maybe reassure her that you don’t want to become a woman, it is more of a hobby.
I don’t know how fun loving she is, and you do have a child, to this day I don’t tell my daughter, but if you can work it out you might tell her that it would be fun if the two of you went to a gay bar. Look around there are a few left. Just go straight the first time so you can get comfortable. Then maybe however you work it into the situation, you can see if she would like to go with you when you are en femme. I have found gay bars to be very fun. I am not gay and I tell them. They have no problem. I always go now in the prettiest dress and outfits I can think of. I spend at least an hour putting on my make up. I hope all goes well.
hi aoife. you question nearly mimicks what my wife said when I told her. i’m sure she was expecting me to say ‘oh! I dont love you any more, ive found someone else’ she seemed more relieved than shocked. all I can say is that now you have got that out of the way (its a huge step), you have to tread carefully and lower your barriers to a degree. look at it as a positive step and result in your journey. I have personally looked at it that way all my life, little victories here and there help you to become more confident, even if its just wearing your clothes without fear of being found out or embarrassed. it is a long journey but you are once step closer and its a start in the right direction. the biggest issue as mentioned before, is how your wife will view you now and could it be a threat to your ‘manhood’ from her point of view. that was certainly the issue with my wife, she is happy to go along with it as long as I do not do it all the time and she gets to see her man sometimes!
fiona xx
Thanks fiona, things are going very well, but it’s hard to imagine any kind of chance to dress at this point. Luckily, the relief of no longer hiding it has definitely reduced drive and scary questions, but we’re not foolish enough to believe they will ever go away.
A lot has been put in perspective in terms of ways we both need to grow. Why do we feel the ways we do? Crossdressed or not there is a lot to work on. Additionally this being out and expressing some of the feelings attached to dressing have made me a lot more comfortable as a man.
As we all know, this never truly ends, but questions like “do I need to change my gender?” and “can I be happy as a man?” can.
hearts and rainbows,
Aoife
Hi Aoife,
Sometimes, things have a way of coming forward before we feel ready. My wife asked a lot of questions and though things felt uncomfortable, I did feel a relief too and that actually helped my wanting to dress diminish for a bit. As you have mentioned, it can take time. And focusing on her and giving her time to digest this new part of you to her make sense. In my case, she finally asked me after months of me not dressing in front of her, why I did not and all I could say was I wanted her to have space. So I am rooting for you and your wife, my friend and if you need an ear let me know. – hugs, Michelle
Hi Aoife, this is almost an exact re-enactment of how things went when I had the “future of Danielle” talk with my wife. Even though she knew I crossdress from before our marriage this was still a difficult situation. Give her space, let her come to you with questions. Answer honesty and short answers, long answers confuse the question and issue, when the question is why “I don’t know” is not a good answer. Have articles readily available for her to read which focus more on the research where they cannot determine why. Also some medical and psychiatric articles about crossdressing. Good luck sister this is a very narrow road to travel and you must be careful. Time and space for her to think it through is what she needs. Love ❤️ Danielle 💋👠
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