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  • #592473
    Jessica Shade
    Participant
    Registered On: December 22, 2021
    Topics: 1
    Replies: 2
    Has thanked: 14 times
    Been thanked: 52 times

    An intro…

    Nothing truly compares to the feeling of being in women’s clothes.

    It’s not a feeling, it’s a completion. It’s like placing the last piece of a 5000-piece puzzle. When I’m dressed, the ridiculous masculine mask I’ve been wearing suddenly becomes transparent and unconvincing.

    I had told my wife a few different stories over the years… each one slightly closer to the truth than the one before it. Eventually, it came without me even making a plan to say it: “I need to be a woman. I want to start hormone replacement therapy.”

    Each confession of this kind to her has been met with support, reassurance and kindness mixed with confusion, hesitation and quite likely a little bit of hurt.

    And although the support is there, something more than support is needed: Enthusiasm.

    I imagine a scenario where she’s excited to see me be female. Where she encourages me to keep going when I am afraid. Where she teaches me and stands beside me. Where she says, “Let’s get you there.”

    That’s not fair for me to expect. Nobody can expect anyone to behave the way we want them to behave. All i have control over is how i react. But that doesn’t make something like transitioning easy.

    My hesitations in coming out as trans come from fear of how the many aspects of life will change like work, lifelong friends, social status and of course family. I’d wager that’s similar to anyone’s fears who have gone through this.

    The frustrating part is that when I am dressed female, I am confident, fearless and could not give a darn about what others think… at least for a while. That confidence fades once life reminds me, “In order to go to work like this, you have to tell your boss and your co-workers why you’re dressed like this.” Or, “Your wife is also going to have to explain to everyone of her friends and family that her husband has become her wife. And why should she shoulder that responsibility?”

    There is a mountain of factors that makes coming out and living as a trans woman seem so daunting. But I also feel so close to the truth. Like i tunnelled a decades-long path through the bottom of that mountain of fear to get here and now the happy ending is within sight, but it’s on the other side of 10-inch bullet proof glass. I can see the joys on the other side of it, but I can’t get through it. And the longer I stare at the other side that I know is my destination, the air in this tunnel feels like it’s running out. A fear of suffocation now competes with all the fears stacked so high above my moutain. And I am now struggling to hold up the moutain of fears, trying to keep breathing and with one free arm pushing and punching the bulletproof glass. It feels like because I am managing all of that at once, I am not succeeding at any of it.

    All that to basically say, “Hi. I’m trans, but haven’t transitioned yet.”

Viewing 18 reply threads
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    • #594524
      Laura Lovett
      Lady
      Registered On: March 26, 2020
      Topics: 39
      Replies: 1553
      Has thanked: 5095 times
      Been thanked: 7675 times

      Wow!!

      Incredibly well put – as a cross dresser only, with no desire to transition, I nevertheless relate very closely with much of this.

      Dressing fully femme and going through daily life, even if just for one day each month isn’t just something I like to do, it puts me in the whole feminine space that is in me – it completes me, and I can take a lot of it back to my drab life, and make that closer to where my life needs to be.

      I don’t see any end game, just a journey in which CDing plays a role that is literally vital – life giving.

      If I miss a month, as I have had to, due to Covid restrictions, it’s as you say, a feeling of being underwater and being starved of oxygen.

      I don’t feel a need to dress permanently, which may have a lot to do with my wife’s preferences – I’m not sure, but that doesn’t matter as much as being able to remain her husband.

      It’s all about compromise, and I do expect a certain amount of femme time as compromise is a 2 way street, so it works for me – but obviously not for everyone, as we’re all different, with our own requirements.

      The fear of coming out to loved ones and co-workers is not without good reason – there’s still a lot of prejudice and ignorance around – but it is getting better.

      More workplaces are embracing diversity – a friend of mine came out completely, just as she began her transitioning a few years ago. She was really fortunate – and is still enjoying her marriage to her wife, support from their children, and the company she works for is a big global company that has always been ahead of the curve on matters like this.

      The only real problem she had was with her church, with which she had very close ties previously, and which essentially stopped the family from going as a result.

      I don’t think it justifies that amount of fear – but understand entirely. It’s easier said than done, and depends so much on local culture, but grasping the nettle and talking to people calmly and with sensitivity is the only way.

      I found it incredibly hard to come out to my wife just as a CD. One day, I just bit the bullet, prepared myself for the worst possible outcome – if she really can’t accept me even a little bit as a CD, then there’s no partnership any more.

      Fortunately, I have a bit of a track record, and we’re building on that, very slowly.

      Thank you for the inspiring words!

      Love Laura

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #594402
      Lay Fawn
      Lady
      Registered On: December 27, 2021
      Topics: 0
      Replies: 1
      Has thanked: 5 times
      Been thanked: 2 times

      Ii think that you have found your identity and that this gives you confidence. Until I found mine, I used to drink too much. This stopped as soon as I adopted a female persona. This gave me the courage to move forward and be what I am.

      Do have the confidence to follow the path that you feel has been allocated to you. It may be hard, but then thete are many things in life which are challenging. Do however, think through the possible consequences of any action. Decisions are not easy, but I think we have to grit outeeth and get on with kt as life is short.

      Best wishes,

      Lay / Moira.

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #593592
      Michelle Pepper
      Lady
      Registered On: December 25, 2021
      Topics: 5
      Replies: 32
      Has thanked: 79 times
      Been thanked: 203 times

      Your fears are correct. And are exactly why there is a fear. You have an entire life built around you being a man. From you job to your house. Family and friends. All of that is made up from you being a man since the beginning of each relationship you have.
      Your wife married a man. Your buddies are your buddies, because you’re a man. And so forth and so on. If you change, all of that will change.
      Question is, is the unknown worth a good chance of losing a lot of what you already have, for the sake of being someone you’ve never been (publicly)?
      I’ve asked myself this many times. And every time, regardless of how feminine I feel, there are some extremely important aspects of my life, built around me being a biological male, that I don’t want to chance losing.
      I can put myself on a pedestal and still be looked down on, by people I care about. Because I forced something onto them. Some will say “It’s your life. And you have a right to be happy.” As true as that is, the life you’ve built around you, as a man, has made others happy. And that’s something to be thankful for.
      Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with being a man, if that’s how you were born. Even if you don’t feel like a man most of the time.
      BTW, I’m saying this because of a close friend who going through a lot of regrets now that she was half way through her transition.
      From a couple of messages she’s sent me over the last few months.(paraphrasing)
      “I can’t believe how horrible this is all turning out. I’ve lost so much. Things I can’t get back, even if I go back to being my old self.”
      “My daughter won’t even speak to me now. I think my ex is turning her against me. Maybe it is me. Who knows”

      Ever see the old twilight zone episode where the shop keeper is given 3 wishes?

      Long story short. Be happy with what you have.
      Just my 2 cents.

      • #594230
        Jessica Shade
        Lady
        Registered On: December 22, 2021
        Topics: 1
        Replies: 2
        Has thanked: 14 times
        Been thanked: 52 times

        That example is a horrific person doing something deceitful and evil by turning someone’s own child against them. That is purely disgusting.

        1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #592999
      Phoebe Smyth
      Lady
      Registered On: February 2, 2020
      Topics: 1
      Replies: 167
      Has thanked: 465 times
      Been thanked: 386 times

      Hi Jessica.

      I’d like to open with Congratulations!

      I recently came out as trans back in late June early July. Sadly I did not record the date. There are quite a few trans support groups online. But it would be improper to list them here. We can talk more privately if you want wish. As I’m sure you would find them very insightful. Crossdresser haven also has a sister sight for trans.

      Moving forward you will need to contact a therapist, your PCP and they should provide referrals for endocrinologists, etc for all your gender specific needs.

      Expect counciling for your wife also. I understand how things must appear for you right now. But what you may perceived as the finish line is the exact opposite. That’s the starting line and your about to enter the marathon of your life with society throwing hurdles in your way at every turn.

      Trans rights have a long way to go before we are treated equally even among medical professionals. I chat with both trans women and men online all the time and your journey could easily last a decade depending who you have to deal with or where you live.

      SCOTUS recently decided section Vii of the equal rights act also applies to us but that hardly means other people will follow suit.

      Send me a friend request and I’ll be happy to share what I learn.

       

    • #592990
      Terri Anne Knoan
      Ambassador
      Registered On: February 7, 2018
      Topics: 32
      Replies: 1172
      Has thanked: 1785 times
      Been thanked: 2604 times

      Hello Jessica,

      [redo]

      Welcome to our amazing site. So glad you have joined us here. Feel free to explore to your heart’s content.

      The warmth and hospitality of our community is just awesome.

      Please do make use of the forums and articles or public chat room and friendships offered here on our site.

      At any Membership level, You can contact any of us via [ PM ] Private Messages.  You can find the link on each member’s Profile page.

      Also, you may find what you need such as Help Center or Ambassadors by using the links in the top R/H drop down 3 bar [ hamburger ] menu.

      Here is a good link to review the membership levels and the privledges for each.

      https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/membership-account/membership-levels/

      Regards,

      Terri Anne, Ambassador

    • #592864
      Elise Michelle
      Duchess
      Registered On: January 3, 2018
      Topics: 25
      Replies: 357
      Has thanked: 482 times
      Been thanked: 1406 times

      Wow. What a powerful post. Welcome to CDH. You are certainly not alone in your feelings. Many girls here are on a similar journey. I wish you much peace and happiness and hope you slam through that glass wall like a sledgehammer!

      Hugs,
      Elise

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #592851
      Barb Wire
      Duchess - Annual
      Registered On: September 16, 2021
      Topics: 15
      Replies: 677
      Has thanked: 3920 times
      Been thanked: 3283 times

      WOW! This is amazing, Jessica!

      I’ve left hints for my SO for over 30 years. She picks up each and every one!

      Just a few days ago, I left my laptop on the kitchen table unattended by me for over 3 hours. Plugged-in laptops don’t go dormant!

      On the screen was a PM between me and a good friend. There was no mistaking the banner at the top of the screen, “CROSSDRESSER HEAVEN”. Below it was my correspondence describing my confused journey and necessary desire to crossdress.

      I’m sure my SO saw it and, presumably, read some of it too. I would! LOL!!

      As I was heading out the door for some errands, my SO paused her ZOOM meeting and came up to me, gave me a hug and said, “I love you very much!”

      No words have since been spoken about it. I guess we don’t really need them.

      I just hope she didn’t take a screen shot for her attorney! (I’m just kidding…)

      Great Post!! Happy Holidays and a Blessed New Year!

      Many Hugs,

      Barb 🙂

       

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #592808
      Alicia Sunrise
      Lady
      Registered On: June 3, 2021
      Topics: 0
      Replies: 62
      Has thanked: 465 times
      Been thanked: 226 times

      Wow, very touching story Jessica. Sending my best wishes to you hoping your journey through the glass continues in the new year.

      Alicia

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #592785
      Christy
      Duchess
      Registered On: July 29, 2017
      Topics: 3
      Replies: 78
      Has thanked: 915 times
      Been thanked: 137 times

      True, true.

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #592682
      Alice Underwire
      Lady
      Registered On: September 16, 2019
      Topics: 92
      Replies: 5044
      Has thanked: 7274 times
      Been thanked: 12808 times

      Hi Jessica,

      Welcome to CDH.  Thank-you for your powerful posting.  Good luck on your journey.

      Alice

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #592572
      Raquel Smith
      Lady
      Registered On: August 26, 2021
      Topics: 14
      Replies: 770
      Has thanked: 2690 times
      Been thanked: 2544 times

      Jessica, most of us, if not all can relate to your struggles. It is almost never easy. If you weren’t aware, already, you are fortunate to have an accepting SO.

      Many other things in life can feel like that mountain, too. Like work or finances. These things can be overcome.

      See a therapist or just reach out to us, here on CDH, when you can’t breathe. We’ll do our best to be your lifeline.

      Much love,
      Raquel

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #592548
      Angela Booth
      Lady
      Registered On: August 1, 2020
      Topics: 9
      Replies: 1007
      Has thanked: 3745 times
      Been thanked: 4686 times

      A powerful piece Jessica.

      I do not believe you are running out of air it’s that you may have to readjust to make breathing easier. Sit, calm down and know that the glass is not impenetrable. Is there a window, or some other way in or around it? Do you need to take time to make a window? 

      You have surged forward and now need to take stock and assess the next move. 

      There is an answer and I am sure you will find it.

      4 users thanked author for this post.
    • #592520
      Dawn Judson
      Ambassador
      Registered On: November 26, 2017
      Topics: 11
      Replies: 137
      Has thanked: 355 times
      Been thanked: 668 times

      Jessica,

      You’re “singing my life with your words”, girl. And I love your analogies. They’re spot on. It’s tough, but can you imagine how hard it was on other girls, who came before us– when there was nothing like the support system that CDH offers?

      If you ever want to “compare notes”, I’m here for you. Just PM me.

      Regards,

      Dawn

      5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #592513
      Haley Ann
      Registered On: October 12, 2020
      Topics: 6
      Replies: 257
      Has thanked: 247 times
      Been thanked: 1250 times

      Wow! I am sure that resonates with many of us, especially at this time of the year when life just seems to put a stranglehold on our fem side…especially those of us that are not out! Thank you for sharing

      • This reply was modified 5 months ago by Haley Ann.
      4 users thanked author for this post.
    • #592507
      Mandy Wife
      Baroness
      Registered On: September 12, 2019
      Topics: 11
      Replies: 265
      Has thanked: 166 times
      Been thanked: 1188 times

      That can’t have been an easy post to write, so I commend you in your honest, and your honest look at where you are, where you want to be and what stands in between.

      “What stands in between” is not a barrier to stop you, it’s an obstacle course that can be navigated with time, patience, practice and, sometimes, it takes a few attempts to get there but if it’s right for you then it will be the right outcome.

      Enthusiasm from your wife rather than “just” support is a tricky one.  Is helping someone transition some thing she has always wanted/yearned to be able to do, probably not.  Is it a challenge in life she was always wanted to overcome, probably not.  BUT is it something she is happy to try to learn and adapt to, yes, and with that she is learning as she goes as well so it all takes time to make sense and become natural (heck, I learnt to speak a foreign language at school for 3yrs and I’m still a novice and that’s a comparison I never thought I would make!!)

       

       

      4 users thanked author for this post.
    • #592506
      Brielle Ross
      Duchess
      Registered On: August 14, 2021
      Topics: 5
      Replies: 409
      Has thanked: 2047 times
      Been thanked: 1810 times

      Hi Jessica, this is a super moving post! Sounds like a good bit of gender dysphoria to me; I can definitely relate. I’ve been led to believe it doesn’t get easier, though. I still have to come out to my daughter, siblings, in-laws, office, church, old friends, neighbors. But I can’t dwell on that now. I’m just chipping away at the glass each day. If I can’t breakthrough that way, I’ll use a shovel and tunnel out! One way or another Brielle is busting out in 2022!

      I wasn’t ready until now (sadly I wasted decades looking out the glass), and we each have to do what’s best for us. So, extend yourself a lot of grace right now and when you are ready, you’ll figure out how to get through the glass or go back out the way you came in, and make your life what is right and best for you. Just don’t compare yourself to anyone else’s experience. It needs to be your own journey, GF! PM me anytime you want! I suspect you are a lot stronger than you think!!

      Hugs and kisses,

      Brielle

      5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #592505
      Dee Nash
      Lady
      Registered On: November 7, 2021
      Topics: 2
      Replies: 255
      Has thanked: 1612 times
      Been thanked: 1074 times

      Hi jessica, i am feeling the same girlfriend xx chin up lovley,i think a lot of girls on here are in the same boat.

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #592489
      Cassandra James
      Lady
      Registered On: December 18, 2021
      Topics: 1
      Replies: 3
      Has thanked: 1 time
      Been thanked: 28 times

      I started Cross Dressing at 15,no not my mother’s things.She could tell if her bedroom door had even been opened.(uncanny).It was a G/F in Jr. High she liked to dress me,we thought we had invented something new.lol.
      As I got older I gave thought of HRT etc. But decided no.Even when I was in my early thirties I was not passable.Well with enough make up,an old Lava Rock can be made to pass.
      Any more I am just very content being a Cross Dresser.I no longer hide that fact.Hiding got to be a pain.Someone would come to the door.Complete stranger maybe answer it.A friend no can’t do that.They wont understand.So had to pretend that I was not home or or ……………….busy.
      So I eventually moved to a city,and just decided,he heck just go for it.I put on a cute skirt and top.And Cassandra stepped out into the sun lit world.Other than quitting smoking almost 50 years ago,it was and is the best decision I have ever made.
      Love to all…………..Cassie

      5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #592488
      Paulette Parfois
      Duchess
      Registered On: November 17, 2021
      Topics: 2
      Replies: 352
      Has thanked: 1050 times
      Been thanked: 1276 times

      Jessica, what a POWERFUL and honest message. It truly struck home with me because you bypassed the superficial and went right to the heart of the matter. You addressed the tension and dynamics of the situation that exists in so many of us! I would say more, but I am still ‘processing’ the truths you revealed. Wonderful! Many Hugs, Paulette

      5 users thanked author for this post.
      • #592499
        Jessica Shade
        Lady
        Registered On: December 22, 2021
        Topics: 1
        Replies: 2
        Has thanked: 14 times
        Been thanked: 52 times

        Thanks. I have spent a long time trying to navigate this in a way that makes sense. And yes, when i read my post back, i struggle to hold back tears. It turned out pretty good.

        4 users thanked author for this post.
        • #592838
          Clara Cross
          Lady
          Registered On: December 7, 2020
          Topics: 16
          Replies: 562
          Has thanked: 1797 times
          Been thanked: 2622 times

          Yes. Yes it did turn out pretty good, Dear. And you turned out pretty good too. Don’t forget that.
          Best, Clara

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