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the most important critical moment of a married CD life is the time to confess about the secret which was hold to the most dearest person to ones life ,,,,,what are the main steps ???? hereby find below the main crucial elements to be considered in order to make this transition as easiest as possible :
– Prepare the ground rules for this discussion …such as (a) what is a CD, ( b) how you became a CD, (c) show examples
– Be truthful about your nature ,,,what do you feel,,,,
-Be open about her reaction ,,,she might accept reluctantly ….she might approve ,,,she might reject completely …Yet each decision has to be treated differently with lot of patience
-Accept her decision and give it time for her to process .
– make lot of open discussions concerning this subject .
– Accept and respect her decision and act accordingly
I need your input and suggestions to add to this list …..
That’s a tough question,
I think you need to be prepared for the fact she may not accept your C/D side at all and then what?
Know who you really are as I am sure she will ask you if you are gay or if you want to transition.
You need to reassure her and show her you love her.
Give her time to process these emotions.
Patty
Two things I can think of off hand:
Don’t ‘reveal’ yourself ‘dressed’. However, possibly have photos available in case you need to show what you look like,
Be prepared for the ‘usual’ questions: are you gay, do you want to transition, are you having sex with men, etc.
Also, possibly have something for your spouse to read that isn’t too frightening.
I actually cannot think of anyway to admit you’re cross-dressing other than simply beginning by saying you are a cross-dresser and taking it from there. Generally you will have some sense of the reception this information will receive. This should guide your approach.
Fot those contemplating a long-term relationship it is generally thought to be best to be up front before any commitments are made. For those of us who have been married for decades this news is a bit late but in the past 10-15-years the basic idea of honesty has been reinforced.
Araminta.
When you dump this burden on your SO, she is going to feel she has lost control of her life; so when I had The Talk, the first thing I said after stating my Need to Dress, I told her that if she would accept me, she had the say on how much Bettylou would be with us, and that I would accept her limits. And given that much choice, she proved very generous with her terms.
And in the CYA category, you need to plan for a worst-case scenario, where she will have nothing to do with it or with you, thereafter.
Bettylou
One thing that I needed to add. If you haven’t told your S.O. and you are cross dressing, getting make overs and going out dressed, then you tell her, you run the risk of her thinking that you have been deceiving, doing these things behind her back and lying about where you have been. I came out to my wife before I had even bought anything. Her reaction was positive and so I then went and bought lingerie, make up and a wig. I was open about everything that I have bought.
I got an email this morning from a company that promotes meditation. As I read the short article, I thought about us who CD or are transgender. It was a general article, not necessarily for CDs, but I really liked it and thought it could apply to us coming out to our S.O. or families. They article was written by Madisyn Taylor. Here is the closing statement of the article:
Each person is entitled to seek out their path leading from the darkness into the light. When we celebrate those paths and encourage the people navigating them, we not only enjoy the privilege of watching others grow–we also reinforce our dedication to diversity, independence, and individuality.
A couple of years ago I tried examining the question from a wife’s point-of-view and wrote:
Why Females Dislike Cross-dressing
Many male cross-dressers complain that females dislike their cross-dressing and that the males do not understand why that is so especially as, in their opinion, females cross-dress all of the time. Besides, they whine, who is being harmed? Why should they not be allowed to live their lives as they wish?
They miss the point.
Many females, most in fact, do not find it attractive being partners in a marriage or in a bed with a feminine personality. Many find it objectionable and particularly object to being forced into such a partnership on the basis of the cross-dresser’s ‘human’ or ‘equal rights’. Where are the rights of the wife to have and to anticipate the fulfillment of her expectations of a masculine-feminine partnership rather than a feminine-feminine liaison?
Many females feel the need to have a partner who is wholly masculine and fills the traditional roles usually categorized under masculinity. This need is as powerful or even more powerful than a male’s need to cross-dress. This confliction is often irreconcilable and can lead to rancorous and bitter separations. If a female wanted a girlfriend, they would choose a female, not a cross-dresser. If a female wanted a feminine lover they would choose a female, not a cross-dresser.
Consider the alternative. Would a male cross-dresser be necessarily happy in a permanent relationship when the other person was often, even invariably masculine? I suspect that for a male gynecophile this would be problematic. It is also problematic for a Gender Invariant, androphilic female to have a feminine partner.
Cross-dressers often take the stance that females cross-dress all of the time. In the past, perhaps, this may have had some relevance but only on the basis of artificial, social expectations. Being feminine is hard work. Also, athenasing to be feminine is highly inconvenient in many facets of daily life. So-called ‘male’ clothing is usually simply the most practical wear for many activities. Females have fought against significant resistance for the right to participate in those activities as people (not ‘just females’) and to dress appropriately when doing so. They have also altered (and have been ‘required’ or socially directed to do so) ‘male’ clothing to achieve a certain degree of femininity. Males, on the other hand, have not fought for their own liberation from the requirements of being ‘men’. They have not earned the basic rights, including the freedoms to be feminine to engage in ‘feminine’ activities and to wear ‘female’ clothes. It is not the fault of females that males have been cowards and failed to seize their own freedom. Males fear the loss of the ‘male prerogative’. To say that a female cross-dresses (with the exception of specific FtM cross-dressers seeking to be explicitly masculine or androgynous) can be insulting.
Another complaint is that females are jealous because males can be prettier than them. While, in my opinion, many males are prettier en femme than they are when masculine and while some females are decidedly unattractive, in general females often have innate advantages when appearing feminine. Also, those who make such complaints sometimes have a rather strange concept of what is beautiful in a woman and tend to present overly stereotypical stylizations of femininity. There is also the assumption on the part of males that females are necessarily jealous of the beauty of other females. While females may wish to emulate that beauty, jealousy is rarely a factor. Again, the supposition that a female would find a feminized male attractive, and therefore would be envious of her appearance, is somewhat insulting.
There are also the religious and moral factors. In general cross-dressing is looked upon by some religions as a sin and by the moral ambience of most societies as a form of perversion, deviance and antisocial behaviour. It is unfortunate that some obvious cross-dressers out in public tend to reinforce those conclusions. If a female is religious then her religion is a significant part of her life. Even if she is tolerant herself she cannot help but be concerned about the reactions of her co-religionists. If a female objects on religious and/or moral grounds then the degree of irreconcilable differences is greatly increased.
There is the difficulty of living in a social milieu in which a female’s social position may become untenable. If cross-dressing is generally castigated in her society then the reaction of relatives, friends, neighbours, coworkers, etc., will be a matter of concern. Even when she might be understanding and accepting of her loved one’s behaviour there cannot but be fears about the degree to which the quality of her life might be affected.
There is the element of trust. If after 30-years of marriage her partner reveals that he has been cross-dressing all of that time and has kept it a secret, then what other secrets are there? This can be a severe blow to a relationship particularly from a wife’s point-of-view. The marriage vows are important to a female for a reason. They desire that commitment to fulfill their need for security. A breach of trust this great can be shattering.
To have their trust and sense of security destroyed, their social position and family structure imperiled and then to have their sensibilities and beliefs insulted is somewhat difficult for anyone to bear with equanimity. Sometimes the reaction can be one of intense (perhaps overly so) hostility.
On the other hand, the sensibilities of a society that castigates something as innocuous as wishing to be attractive and feminine by one sex while simultaneously placing pressure on the other sex to be as attractive and feminine as possible is seriously flawed as to its perceptions and values. If MtF cross-dressing was integrated into social conventions as a recognizable, even admirable, behaviour then both MtF cross-dressers and those they love would have fewer difficulties about the matter. There are, after all, far more reprehensible behaviours that were and are accepted, admired and even expected.
To say that MtF cross-dressing is wrong is to stigmatize being feminine and beautiful, indicating inferiority, and that attitude is sexist. Nevertheless, as things stand now, cross-dressers have a moral responsibility to consider the feelings and beliefs of those near them.
It is here that we have the problem concerning any attempt at creating a non-gender or genderless society. People want to be androgynous, feminine or masculine and some people want to vary between genders. This is not going away. People generally prefer a partner of a specific, non-variant gender and also of a specific sex. This is not going away either. The desired gender is often seen in terms of being consistent with the desired sex and it is likely that this will be the case for a long time. A genderless society will simply increase discomfort, frustration, anger and conflict. Working towards a free-gender society will allow people to more openly and with greater inclusion and approval express their desires. It will also allow us to chose a partner whose gender meets our expectations rather than coming as a bit of a shock later on.
Araminta.
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There are a lot of straw men in here that I feel compelled to knock down – I will try to be as gentle as I can, as it is the points, not the person making them, that I see issues with.There is no whining involved, although points clearly are being missed. We harm no-one.
Cross dressing is not necessarily about introducing a new feminine personality.
This is a central straw man, so let’s knock it out of the park.
My wife goes to bed with the man/masculine personality she fell in love with and married.
Fact.
The wife’s “rights” are maintained – although the wedding vows state for better or worse, not for more masculine (whatever that means – does it mean more hunting and cars, less housework?) or feminine – this was never part of the contract.
I am who I am. Your rights do not extend to diminishing mine.
If what I do or who I am upsets you so much over the years that you can’t take any more, you made the wrong choice, or you can’t understand the concept of for better or worse.
“Not earned the basic right to be feminine??”
Seriously?
This whole line of argument is riddled with whining. Like men have fewer rights because men have had everything.
This is a straw man the size of the Empire State building, and should be burnt!
We are all equal human beings with equal rights.
The opportunities for all are not equal. This, sadly, will never change. People in situations that offer slim opportunity pickings can rarely break through the traps. Those who can, should. Carpe diem.
This is not the fault of either gender, but certainly, at the root you may find some particularly noxious men, with masculine types of personality that ought to be extinct.
Maybe it shouldn’t be called cross dressing. Maybe it should be called wearing clothes I like and want to wear.
Now where is the argument against it? Where are the insults?
There are none.
I will fight for and earn my right to dress as I please.
There.
I have earned it.
Wasn’t that silly?
If anyone feels insulted by how someone else is dressed, I quote a self help book I read a long time ago. “When you take offence, you give offence”.
Many Western folk seem to find burkas insulting, as well as nudity.
Some tribes, notably in the Amazon, still prefer nudity as their “uniform”, and in many countries, including the UK, public (Yes, public) nudity is not an offence – yet people get offended by it.
The police are advised not to get involved in cases of genuine Naturism. It’s in the online police library documentation, and the Court advice documentation.
Cross dressing is not offensive. There goes another straw man.
Religious factors – ah Deuteronomy again. Cross dressing, shellfish, pork, clothing not made of linen or wool – all abominations.
Rapists? Marry your victims. Build up a harem of abused women – who are second rate citizens.
Now that is offensive!
Moral arguments – there are none. Wearing clothes is not immoral. To say women’s clothing is solely the domain of women is both bigoted and sexist.
The social concern is reasonable to an extent, but only because people can be so very silly.
I guess it depends on how much importance you place on your social life above your own mental health and your relationship with the spouse you promised for better or worse.
Trust – well, again, the reasons for keeping this a secret with all the horrendous prejudice practiced against it must be obvious. If someone shares a secret like this, they are placing every last grain of trust in you. They have earned your trust to the nth degree.
Getting married doesn’t involve a rundown of every secret each partner has.
Keeping cross dressing a secret is very understandable – and it’s only a clothing preference – it’s not a betrayal of trust, let alone a really big betrayal!
No wedding vows state “Keep thee only to the clothing I dictate that thou shalt wear” – or anything approaching this sentiment.
There is no betrayal of trust.
Bang. Down falls another straw man.
Since at least the 1960s, people have fought for equilibrium between the sexes.
One famous near androgyne was David Bowie, back in the 1970s.
The gender benders of the 1980s had a huge impact on society.
The Western world has come a very long way, and the class of male entertainers who exaggerate the look of women has taken off via RuPaul’s drag race and such like.
FtM ladies from the past, like Ann Lister are having their secrets finally uncovered – women could be masculine and achieve things over 200 years ago.
It’s “society” which is at fault and requires correction, not individuals within it.
By being individuals, by expressing ourselves as fully as possible, we show others possibilities to become themselves, to realise more of their own potential by throwing off the imaginary manacles that tie them down.
Those who wish to cling to an outdated past, with crumbling foundations would be better advised to strengthen their own foundations, and build better lives.
And sometimes people need to be shown, not told, about better ways of being and becoming. Do we really want to be stereotyped clones?
Because becoming is more productive than being, standing out is better than hiding – opportunity doesn’t come to those who hide from it, and equality is about opportunity, not the current state.
Anyone can whine about their lot in life, cut out what they don’t like, or do something constructive to move forwards.
Love is the answer, whatever the question.
Inclusion is better than division.
I know this is long, and potentially controversial, but I felt compelled to respond this way, because I see dangerous ideas in the text I quoted – dangerous to mental health and even dangerous to society.
Should we all be clones, shut up and be content with what we have, or should we strive for better?
Whose better is better?
Should we shoot for our dreams or spend life in purgatory?
As a creative person, and dreamer, I know which way the wind is blowing me!
And I truly apologise for any offence I may cause – I do not mean to offend anyone, I only mean to relay the truths that I see.
Love Laura.
Laura,
You make some interesting points. No offense taken, but I must dispute two of your points: First, offense is in the eye of the beholder, and many folks do find cross dressing offensive – and will tell you so, my younger daughter being one of them. It’s irrational, but….
Second: These forums are filled with comments from CDs telling how feminine they feel when they first put on a bra, panties, or whatever, and I venture to say that few, if any of us (myself included) can be Dressed without a few of our femme personality traits showing through.
Hugs,
Bettylou
I really don’t think there are a finite list of steps or instructions to follow in telling your spouse, mostly because just in the realm of cross-dressing there is (at least from what I can see here) a vast variety of what it means to be a cross-dresser and to what extent does one go about satisfying that desire. And finally, I would guess we’re confronting a very wide assortment of feelings that wives may have towards it. Some may hate it, some may accept it, some my support it. But since ‘it’ has almost limitless possibilities, so may wives have wide degrees of acceptance or disapproval depending on the depth of your involvement.
I’m not sure if there can be a simple answer as there are so many dependencies. One not even mentioned very often but is still very important is what will happen if you and your wife decide (for whatever reason, even if cd has nothing to do with it) to split. Will she then over time tell others? Can you stop her?
I think it probably is best to confide in your spouse before she finds out, because as others have pointed out, her finding out by accident can lead to all sorts of problems that might have been avoided if you came out first.
I didn’t confide in my first spouse and I will be forever thankful I didn’t as she would have blasted it to the entire world after our split. But very, very early in my current marriage (of many many years), we sat down and each shared a deep dark secret. I could understand based on what she told me about her upbringing how she thought her secret was very embarrassing and something she didn’t want anyone else to ever know (and I will never ever tell regardless), but I didn’t think personally it was that ‘bad’, just something I think a lot more people have done than she realizes. But I shared my cross-dressing with her as I decided to take a chance. Years later now, she hasn’t told anyone, we don’t talk about it, and I’m very discrete in how I meet my desires, but at the same time, I’m probably more involved than she wants to imagine.
Now, in male ‘drag’, I don’t walk around spitting and chewing, leaving a mess behind me, ignoring chores and the like. I do what I have to do, get my hands dirty if need be(tho I don’t like it), so she feels I’m fulfilling my ‘role’ as she goes about filling her ‘role’ and we allow each other space to be ourselves.
All I can suggest to anyone here who hasn’t confided but wants to try, is feel her out about transgendered people, not that you have to bring it up, but in casual discussions or if someone else close brings it up, Ask her in general terms what she thinks of the different labels, tg, ts, cd, gay, lesbian, intersex, bi-, queer – all those terms. Finding out if she sees differences and can accept some or maybe she or you have relatives or even friends that are one of those, might be a first step to see how she might react.
If you two have a solid marriage or relationship where she has seen you and complimented you on you (maybe even voluntarily) doing the things she hopes you will do regardless of what you do in your personal time, may also help.
It’s not much, but from my own experience, it’s the best I can offer today.
p.s. A whole lot of what is ‘normal’ in today’s society was not normal at all 100 years ago. Civilizations have been around for maybe 10,000 years, and in that time, practically all of them have had strict laws, either written or expected, that people dress certain ways. Very few societies allowed either sex to dress in the expected attire of the other sex, until very, very, very recently. 60-70 years out of 10,000 is like a blink of an eye. Women today dressing in men’s styles even if they’ve been tailored for women was mostly taboo until around WW2. Just because many of those here have seen women in pants all our lives doesn’t mean it’s been that way for eternity. In 1964, girls in my public high school in a very middle-class suburb of a very large city were fully required to wear a dress or skirt every school day regardless of the sub-zero wintery weather outside. Period. (and boys of course had to wear long pants, and, get this, jeans were banned beginning that year). All that has changed drastically. Other taboos are also falling, just not fast enough (or maybe too fast) for everyone’s desires.
I think the methodology for coming out is essentially the same whether you are a crossdresser, transgender or gay. What it involves is explaining how you feel, what it means to you and the difference between being who you are compared to not being who you are.
We don’t “become” crossdressers, or trans people or gay people. We are ALWAYS what we are. It is a matter of discovering it and accepting it. You can talk about the journey and the discovery, but there is no becoming. It was always you whether you knew or not or suspected.
While you can anticipate questions, don’t anticipate failure. Maintain a positive attitude. Remember, as difficult as this is, you have not done anything wrong.
Be precise in your discussion, but admit it when there is something that you don’t know or don’t understand. Honesty is paramount.
Think about what you are going to say; perhaps even write a script. However, the purpose of the script is to help you crystalize your thoughts. It isn’t something to be used during the discussion.
Regardless of how the discussion goes, it is still easier than being outed…
You’ve obviously put a lot of thought into this, a heckuva lot more than I did.
I just got to the point where I couldn’t deny Rei any longer and totally blind sided my SO with the whole thing.
Your steps are all valid, but human interaction seldom goes as planned. if you come from a place love, honesty, and respect even the most difficult conversations can have a positive resolution.
My experience was patience. My wife knew before we got married. I was young, stupid and didn’t know the extent of my feelings/desires so I said I can stop. That was idiot move number 1. We talked about it sporadically more in the context of coping for me & that not doing it actually makes things worse. She spent two years trying to find another approach to handling my desires (we are practicing Christians). Her current view is it’s between God and I and wants limited updates. That comes to this year. With two kids, work stress and general life I explained it was getting harder. We saw a sex therapist (helped a lot). Focused on what it meant for me and the impact of being dressing or not. Respecting boundaries is important, being patient (at times I get resentful because their stigma cost me 25 years of self understanding). At the end of the day what did it for my wife was our associate pastor saying what’s the impact on his relationship with God (note our church is not affirming. They have other strengths).
My view from the other side (Penny-Jay) didn’t “come-out” as a full CDer, we realised together BUT (c) show examples – I wouldn’t unless she specifically asked.
It’s a big step to see photos etc of loved ones dressed and that needs to be done at your partner’s pace, and when they are ready. You need to re-assure it’s not like a drag queen look or something like that but just an everyday, I just want to blend in and not be noticed thing (presuming that’s what you are aiming for) and leave it at that until they are ready.
Also, you missed the “it’s not about you / you have done nothing to influence this / its how I feel about myself and how I need to express myself / I don’t love you any less” type statements.
And offering to expire their feelings TOGETHER and go at THEIR pace when they are ready.
And finally, the advice to them that there is a great support network in CDH as well that they can tap into, totally private for the other halves that you can show them when they are ready as well 😃
My wife met Patty early in our relationship, a couple of weeks after we met. The meeting went very well. We became good girlfriends. Patty became part of our relationship, not an outsider who suddenly appeared. I was her boyfriend and a girlfriend. I’m glad it happened that way. If she was troubled by Patty, I could have put Patty away, or if it ended our relationship, Patty would have continued.
Other then the end of a potential relationship, there was no equity, life and history together there. I’m glad we addressed Patty so early. If with our history and the things we did and accomplished together, if I had kept Patty secret all those years and now thought maybe I should have “the talk”, Knowing how it has ended or damaged so many marriages and long term relationships, I would not do it. No way I would risk my relationships and family for that. I love being Patty but not that much.
Just like in my life when asking for a divorce, (which was not related to being a CD)
1. As you mentioned “prepare”…the hard truth is you need to prepare yourself for the worst.
Believe me, I so hope it doesn’t happen to people, yet at the same time you have to prepare yourself to go it alone. If you can’t, then you may not be ready to come out. If possible have a supportive friend somewhere.
This also goes to the respecting her wishes/decision whatever it might be.
Robyn
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