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What if it’s “Just a phase?”
So here’s the thing girls, earlier this week as my wife and I were talking and discussing this particular area of our life she dropped that statement on me.
………and it gave me pause.
Now, those of you here at CDH who know a little about me know that I give my wife a TON of credit for how awesome she has been with acceptance and encouragement concerning Rei , but she IS struggling with understanding.
My wife has known me almost 30 years, since I was an awkward, immature, irresponsible 18 year old and has stood strong and loyal by my side as I have struggled in every area of my adult life with depression, addictions of all sorts, bad behaviour, poor decisions and on and on. Frankly I am constantly amazed and grateful at how I ended up blessed with such an angel!
Why her question stopped me in my tracks though has been my track record over the years when it comes to what I will lovingly call my ‘passionate obsessions’. You may call them hobbies, pastimes, pleasant distractions, interests, but for me, when something captures my attention it consumes my mind, body and soul. I won’t delve into the various obsessions over the years but there have been plenty, some healthy, some harmless and some just plain stupid time sinks. The outcome is always the same though, eventually I burn out and the pursuit of said obsession ceases.
Now I’ve always considered this aspect of my personality as a strength, my desire to know something so intimately that it becomes emblazoned into my being, but from my wife’s point of view it comes across as an inability to commit and stick with something. If you are familiar with the music group U2, one of their famous songs perfectly sums up my own feelings “I still haven’t found what I’m looking for”
I try to explain to her just what’s going on inside me, not just as I put on female clothing and make up, but as I attempt to emulate a woman’s posture, mannerisms, attributes, the burning need to step out of the house as Rei and be 100% passable. It burns deep in my heart and every day that need grows stronger.
An incredibly early childhood memory of MY body and an awareness of ‘being’ was at about 4 or 5 as I looked down at myself after trading clothes with a little girl and wearing her little green tights. What child that age really understands sex or sexuality? I sure didn’t, but I knew it was right and felt good.
Have all the distractions, all the poor behaviours in my life since that one moment until Rei was finally allowed to see the light of day just been coping mechanisms because I was unable and unwilling to embrace what my heart always knew but my head could never allow?
I wasn’t sure about sharing this as it initially just started out as a short question. Jeez.
If you made it to the end girlfriend, Thank you for reading and a big virtual hug 🤗 is all yours!
I know what you mean by intense interests that eventually are submerged by something else.
First:
If this is just a phase then enjoy it as much as you can without damaging your life and finances. Learn as much as possible and grow as a person in knowledge, comprehension and wisdom.
Second:
This is rarely a phase. When you decide to stop cross-dressing carefully store away your girly stuff. I bet you a double espresso that you will need them.
Araminta.
I know my own experience has been active periods and inactive periods. Phase is true if you mean like the waxing and waning of the phases of the Moon. It hasn’t left orbit yet.
Holy crap. It’s like I was reading about myself, Rei. Even my wife’s feelings about this are spot on and just today, I thought that she might have it in her mind that this is just a phase.
Just like you, I dive into everything 100%. I won’t go into a lot of detail because what you wrote is exactly what I would write. But when I thought about her possibly thinking this is just a phase, I reflected on what got me to this point in my journey. I told her before we were married that I believed I was a lesbian in a male body. Ten years after that, I started underdressing 24/7. And now, after underdressing for ten years, I’m going all out and want to take my femme self out publicly. So, is it a phase for me? I say it is just my next phase. This has been a part of me for most of my life even though I wasn’t actively crossdressing. And now that you have brought it up and made me think about it, I’m even more confident that Mika’s time is just beginning to shine.
Easy & highly interesting read Rei , definitely not a phase for me 🌹🌹
I’m going to add a “me too” to that!
I watch my boys grow up, and I see the same tendency for fads and phases.
However, there are certain interests that stay with one – for me, it’s the 3 subjects I studied at University: Music, Computing and Drama.
Oh, and the interest that has stayed with me longest began on a beach in Pevensey, over 53 years ago, when I was 4 years old, as far as I can remember – it’s possible it could have been earlier.
I fell in love with a pink skirted swimsuit, and the love of clothing has never left me – although, curiously, I have never felt that way about any item of clothing aimed at males.
It’s a mystery I will probably never solve – but a lovely one to think about and get experience in 😍
Love Laura
And so what if it is ? Does that matter ? Have you enjoyed it .Do you enjoy it ! Seems this is a common theme within our realms ! I still wonder after 45 years of “IT” my wife still thinks it’s just a habit and I should be able to just stop !!! Before I go into long rant let me just say “ It is want it is and if this is a phase I’ll enjoy it while it lasts . Sonia xxx
I think as humans, we all have learned to enjoy pleasant distractions in our lives. For some it might be the after work ball game, our kids, the stamp collection or model train. My point is its just being human. It’s seems to be the person without any distraction that suffer with life the most.
It’s just unfortunate that its just so misunderstood.
Hi Rei
If you look up at the night sky and it’s clear, you may just catch a glimpse of the moon….now THAT has phases….or if you watch star trek, you may notice they carry guns….these are Phasers….
Rei , you are carrying neither ( I hope!!)….but what you are carrying is a need, a want, an urge, if you like, that WILL become an obsession…tell your wife not to unpack the cases honey, you are in this for the long haul…..
Huggs, grace 💋
Your fascination with being passable doesn’t have to be 100% consistent for it to be real. Our interests and obsessions wax and wane over time. So do our gender identities. Sometimes I’m happy to be dressed ‘male’, sometimes I want to be dolled up in satin, lace and stockings, wig and high heels. Other times I find myself happy in some median point, wearing whatever I like, regardless of which gender it is marketed towards. The clothes are just a manifestation of what I feel inside. That doesn’t leave you.
Great topic Rei.
I also wonder if this is a phase, as I too have gone through many, good bad and ugly, but through all of those, whether I was enjoying them ,putting up with them, or just getting through them, none made me as comfortable, or felt as right, as this does.
I am moving so rapidly into making this a very real part of my life, and moving forwards, I truly feel Regi is here to stay, until the end of my time here.
And if I’m wrong? hell, I’m sure going to enjoy it while it lasts
Hugs, RegineRei
Beautifully written sweetie.
Life is a phase sweetie , born, live, die, nearly every aspect of our life is a phase. But our destiny is written at birth, we don’t have phases, just suppression periods of social shame and gilt, a battle of acceptability between perceptions of gender behaviour. We pack away our secrets but we know it’s never a phase, it’s never going to pass, it never out of our minds.
Hi Rei. Well, this has been with me my whole life – from early childhood till I’m sure the day I die. If it’s a lifelong thing, is it a phase? Nahh.
But your line about distractions and poor behavior as a result of being suppressed? Oh my yes. Some bad choices and behavior that I think was a manifestation of forcing myself to act “male”, living a life I didn’t want to. It may have even been a sub concious self destructive behavior. Looking back, I see that….
I have ended a phase. A phase I was forced to live and one which messed me up. And good riddance to it.
Stevie❤
Agree completely. Many so called phases i went through earlier in life had to do with not being able, or allowed, to even contemplate the real me. A part of me has always known this thing of ours was in there, but that it wasn’t acceptable. So lots of other things got attention and God only knows how much money, to keep me distracted from who I really was. In fact, looking back over thirty years at a diary from that period, the most common thread was the question “who am I?”
Now I know the answer… and it isn’t a phase.
I can’t even imagine the perspective 30 years of diary entries must give you, it’s amazing and awesome Bridgette!
I was putting on my mom’s and my grandma’s pantyhose at a very young age also. Like 5 or 6 years old. I have been in love with women’s clothing ever since. I was about 10 when I started putting on lipstick, blush, and nail polish while my parents were at work. I now believe, some 30 years later, that I need to live my life as a female, and am moving towards that goal. Definitely not a phase, but the question is valid.
Actually, reading these responses, reminds me of many similar ones over the past 15-20 years that convinced me (as did other factors) that the desire to be feminine has a strong element of being a genetically created, prenatal predisposition. All persons inherit genetic material from a male and a female therefore, if the instinct to be feminine or masculine is genetic, then we inherit the possibility to desire to be either or even both genders. It is just that the ‘femininity’ genes are more often activated in females for some reason but probably very easily activated in males as well.
If this surmise has any basis in fact then the desire to be feminine will be too much a part of our basic being to ignore or dismiss.
Araminta.
Stevie….
“I have ended a phase. A phase I was forced to live and one which messed me up. And good riddance to it.”
how can I describe how this resonates with me………..
It’s like someone put a very large tuning fork on top of my head and you hit it with a hammer.
Hugs
Hi Rei,
It think it comes down to the whole “nature vs. nurture” thing. Unfortunately many of us were nurtured against our natures. Stevie’s reply put that into perspective for me. Something I knew, but it just hadn’t fully clicked.
Worst case scenario as I see it. If it is a phase you will spend money and devote a lot of time to something that you currently enjoy. Isn’t that what people do with the things they enjoy? They invest money and time into it. So yeah, worst case, you enjoyed it.
Sounds like your wife is going to be there no matter what.
Roll with it.
Hugs
Autumn
It’s no phase. It is balance and completeness.
Suppress the female part(s) of our personality, and for me, it led to years of alcoholism and the trouble that follows being a drunk. The endless purge repeat purge cycles lead to more frustration, guilt, depression, more drinking, etc. Am I crazy? Why do I do this? If “they” find out I will be stripped of my security clearance, and my career terminated. More stress, more guilt, more drinking, etc.
Successful alcoholism treatment correctly identifies that something is missing, indeed, yes! Something is not complete. I am part female, and I must express that gender periodically. More confusion, I like girls, I like girls a whole lot and only girls. Relax, sex and gender are two different areas. It is ok to be sexually attracted to only girls and also like to wear their clothes once in a while. Wow! Really? In fact, some women really like us kind of men! They think we are special!
I have never been more complete in my life. I am a man, I like being a man, and I like getting all dolled up and being a pretty girl in frilly female clothes from time-to-time too.
It is not a phase. It is me. It is who I am. It is who we are. We are men, and we are pretty feminine girls. We are in balance, and we are complete.
Hi Rei,
Firstly, I have to say, you’re very lucky to have a partner who, despite having understandable confusion about some of the things you do, is willing to investigate and think and even ask some deep and meaningful questions. I would hope that all of us could have at least one person like that in our lives as we explore what it means to be us.
Secondly, I think you’re preaching to the converted in terms of not thinking this is ‘just a phase’. While it is possible to ‘squash’ this side of us for some time and bury it with other parts of life, the need to express ourselves has a habit of popping up when you least expect it and with an intensity that is hard describe. But, I definitely can understand why that might be hard for others to understand and why it might take them a while to accept.
But finally, I would ask this question… Let us suppose for a second that this is ‘just a phase’; what harm is served by letting you explore it? Provided everything is done sensibly and respectfully, no-one need be hurt by your actions. Sure, you might end up spending a bunch of cash on clothes, shoes and make-up that you don’t have a use for but, I would argue that’s no different from someone who decides to take up something life golf, spends money on the equipment and then decides they don’t like the game after all. To my mind, no harm, no foul.
Whatever, I really hope you enjoy your exploration and find comfort in what you do.
Rachel xx
So what if it is just a phase? You found something that gives you satisfaction and pleasure. You want to explore and experience it to it’s maximum potential. If after a while, after you do the things you want to do now, you probably will think of new things you want to do and go further.
If you ever get to a point where you did all you want to do, you may lose the intense desire you have now. So what? You did it. You experienced it. You made many dreams and fantasies come true. You had fun.
Enjoy it while it’s there.
This is a fascinating topic Rei! Until very recently I’d thought my CDing was a fetish, but one that definitely went in phases. Pink fog, purge, pink fog, purge etc etc. It’s only through therapy, a lot of self analysis and reading that I’m starting to understand how deeply rooted my feminine self is, but also how deeply repressed those feelings (by feelings I mean the entire core of my being) have been.
Like Rei and a few others here I’m lucky enough to have a supportive (if slightly confused) wife alongside me. Neither of us know what life ‘after’ will look like…..Seren xx
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