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Dear Readers,
I'm excited to introduce you to one of our lovely Ambassadors, Codille Benton. If you've been on the Crossdresesr Heaven forums recently you've no doubt seen her around and chatted with her. She touches on something I've heard many ask before, can you be happy crossdressing without transitioning, or is full transition inevitable?
She chose the image of a phoenix rising to represent her rebirth - a very fitting and beautiful representation of discovering your woman inside.
Codille is a shining star of Crossdresser Heaven, and this is her story.
Codille - Happy as a Crossdresser Without Transitioning
Hello World, I want to introduce myself so you know who I am, an insight into Codille. I am a MTF Crossdresser and I have gone through some major personality mental calibrations over the last year and instead of feeling conflicted between my male persona and Codille, they have really finally after thirty years merged/unified and become just ME. My name here is Codille and as some of you have read my profile or know me through chatting, I have been married to a wonderful, amazing, understanding and supportive woman for almost 21 years. I know I am blessed here as this is not the case for many crossdressers.
My wife has known both sides of me since right before I proposed 23 years ago. I have three great and precocious kids, all of whom are teens. My kids don't know about Codille yet; as we, my wife and I, are working on dealing with how to tell and handle the extended family and friends’ dynamic of that before we tell the kids. The two youngest are going to have little to no issue, the eldest is a question mark.
What is wonderful as you probably understand, I a little over a year ago became whole when ME and Codille just became ME. I love my female persona of Codille but use it now more of a screen, protection for my family, and to put others at ease. Codille has been part of me for almost 32 years now so ME and Codille are now two sides of the same coin and interchangeable in my head depending on how I feel moment to moment. Unlike where some are before making the decision transition, I am truly a MTF crossdresser and heterosexual with no desire or feeling of the need to transition fully to a woman.
Also it being, no matter your sexual orientation you are, if you still feel like you are male, it is ok to crossdress and express who you are and it society that is going to need to catch up like it is slowly with the transgender community?
Friends and Crossdressing
I am fortunate to have a tight circle of friends including my wife that know I CD, all 5 are all women. I haven't had the courage at the age of 45 to tell the guys yet, as I said I am working on that. One of my confidants is in the process of transitioning and talking with her, I can understand what she is feeling and comprehend but not empathize. Another in my circle is Bi-sexual and has gone from straight to lesbian to BI, needless to say she has gone through her own journey. So I have a wide spectrum of sexuality in my group of friends.
One of the reasons I think I can relate to such a variety of individuals is in that I have such a great blend of both the male and female psych, that I can grasp where they are coming from. My wife though not CD, or have any interest, has these traits as well, the blend of female and male psych. I believe this is why we are such kindred spirits, sort of like yin and yang. So I hope that was not TMI but gives you a little insight into one of your Ambassadors on Crossdresser Heaven and why I can do what I do, listen, be supportive and be a friend. That and 25 years in personnel management skills doesn’t hurt any, LOL.
I want you to know ladies that you have someone on your side that really feels both sides and is not conflicted, and that it is possible to have balance between your male and female side and you can feel complete and at peace with ALL of you. I look forward to chatting with you on the site. Feel free to message me and say “Hi”!!
Hugs,
Codille Benton
P.S. If you would like to be featured on Crossdresser Heaven, please submit your crossdressing success story. If you've already shared on the forums it's okay to repurpose what you wrote. I'd also love to hear from ladies who are crossdressing without transitioning, and happy in both genders.
Codille, thank you for being part of our community!!
Beautiful story Codille! I know there is a large spectrum and that we all fall in various points on that continuum. Not sure yet where I personally fall ads I continue to explore my inner soul and heart and mind to figure out how they all fit together. Thank you for being one of the Ambassadors on this site who has already helped me more than you can know.
Cynthia
SO similar a story as my own, but you just discovered yourself far sooner. Kudos to you!
Must hit the hay after a long day, or I would banter on more.
Most/many know that I dress and do drag, Wife of upcoming 33 years aids me. but I really had no clue about me up until just about 3 1/2 years ago...and yes, it's because I was really shut down. In the years since the revelation? I can see that I was there since about 5-6 and just really shut down.
I'm glad that I have n arena in the drag world, as it gives me a public space and voice where I can speak from and try to educate others that don't get "us".
Hmmm... just left lengthy reply, but seems missing. Perhaps the morning reboot shall bring it to life...
Thank you Codille for posting this - I too am a crossdresser not interested in transitioning. I love my life as a man - husband to my wonderful wife, playing hockey with my son in a beer league, and hanging out with other men talking politics and sports. But, there is another side of me too - the side that feels like the legware and cosmetics are calling me when I walk past them in the drugstore, the part that just bought her first pair of heels in over 25 years, the part the loves being called Kendra.
Now since it is very clear that I dont want to transition, I still wonder why I am this way. If I am not a woman in a man's body, then why do I need to do this? In my 20's the sociology text books called people like me sexual deviants. Now some websites say people like me do it for erotic thrill, or because the fabric feels nice. None of those explanations make sense to me.
I have struggled with self loathing because my desire to crossdress, but I am moving well past that and know that I am not a deviant. Erotic thrill? When I young yes, but when you have a libido of a 23 year old male almost anything can be an erotic thrill. Now - wearing pantyhose to work and taking meetings for erotic thrill - that is ridiculous. And simply saying the material feels good is not enough of an explanation - it does feel good - but so do the leather seats in my car and I don't have a desire to bring a leather car seat into the office.
So maybe there is a duality of gender for some us and the feminine side is the minority - a vocal, insistent minority sometimes but a minority.
I don't know why and maybe never will - and I am not sure exactly where we fit in any classification system
But I am glad i read Codille's post
Kendra,
I am sorry it took so long for me to respond to this. What you just explained about how you feel and who you are really was where I was for about the last 10-15 years. Yes, there was early on the erotic feel when I was younger but there was also more fear and more feeling of shame. As I got older, I got to the point where I just wanted to dress. I couldn't really figure out why but I just did, the fear lessened as my wife became more insistent on the fact that it was just clothes even though society was SCREAMING "Sexual Deviant" like you mentioned.
I will share, and this is very hard but again may help someone else, that my family on my mothers side has pretty severe depression running through it. It as far back as I can assess, started with my grandfather and has run at least four generations. Some of the family has very little but we have also lost one of my cousins daughters to suicide do to extreme depression. What does this have to do with anything, well since 16 I have been on various cocktails of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. Somewhere in the last year and a half to two years, almost, 30 years, we got the mix right and I saw and thought and processed clearly for the first time, since pre-puberty or maybe ever.
And then ME and Codille clicked. I am whole and crossdressing is just part of who I am and what I do. I have both strong male and female aspects to my life, roles and emotions ( I am the sap that cries, yes sometimes even at movies). But, like I said in the article. I am male, heterosexual and feel no need or desire to transition. I don't think sexual orientation predisposes you to either crossdressing or wanting to transition. I think every human being is different though we may share a lot of the same thoughts and feelings it is an individual choice. Codille is still a part of me and she is becoming more so, but it is because I am no longer willing to hide who I am inside because society says I should. It took a long internal fight to get where I am now and ANYONE that wants to share or QUESTION or comment please do. Like I tell most of you when I finally get a chance to say hi! I am an open book mostly.
Peace to all of you, and thank you Kendra!
Codille
Hi Codille,
Better late than never , I had the opportunity to read this article . Thank you so much in putting My CD in perspective. I am so glad that I am part of this special group of ladies.
Although my wife is confused about my alter ego, together we picked out panties, stockings, and camisoles for me and recently we shared manicures together. Yes our relationship has reached a new dimension. Your article really made me comfortable to know how I feel and give my wife a new "friend".
Thank you again for your insight .
Leonara
I also was treated for anxiety mild depersion about three yrs ago . It worked and I have noticed a fog lift from me that has been going on for 10 15 yrs maybe always . After getting better is when the desire to dress came back, like it was allowed in again. I know this helps me. The other day I picked up some lipstick and nice girly sunglasses put it on a took a drive. Something so simple had me smiling all day long. It was crazy. Beats prozac.
Thanks @kendra14 for sharing your truth! Sometimes it can be hard when we don't fit in - even the transgender community seems to have a well defined path from crossdressing to transition - one that not everyone is on.
I'm glad you're here!
Thanks Vanessa - I appreciate you saying I am welcome - while my feminine being is a minority of my total being, it still demands recognition (sometimes quite assertively) and it is very nice to have a space where I can share thoughts I can't share anywhere else
We have to remember that there is a difference between gender identity and gender expression. If I close my eyes I know I'm male. I'm happy being male. I wouldn't know what female felt like, it's not my body genetics or life experience. But, and it's a huuuuge but, this man needs to express femininity. Don't be fooled, just because it's 'express' doesn't mean you have any more control over it than your identity.
This is why you have masculine and feminine gay guys, lesbians, and shockingly straight people. Some people are wired to be one gender, yet express another. Some trans MtF people transition to female, yet express their original masculinity. There's every combination, and there are no rules.
Girls do it all the time, they're called tomboys. When men do it, we're socially crushed. Where does it say that a man, a masculine man, can't wear a skirt? Does it really make you less masculine? No. You just want to wear (express) something feminine, some sensitivity, be pretty, just a little. But when you are shamed, you feel that guilt.
I dress simply because I like the way women's clothes and lingerie make me feel. I feel sexy when I'm dressed. I'm 100% strait and I have had the same feelings of self loathing, but today I came out to three friends and they were all very supportive and I hope others may be the same in the future.
Life's to short, I too love the way women's clothes on me. I have tried to stop. But will never again.
Thanks Kendra for your post. I just joined today and was in a chat room for a short while it seemed to me that most were in transition. I thought that this site wasn't for me as I have no intention to do so. I've been doing this on and off since I was a child . I buried it for a long time only to have it come back , I thought it was done there for about 10 yrs. Well its back and I'm letting I in. I like it I like how I feel about me when I identify as female.Allowing this to be more then a sexual thrill is what's different now. The self awareness I feel as female is an amazing perspective that I'm not sure I could get without this. I'm being to think it is more then a fetishe ,maybe you body's a tempt to balance itself who knows but alot are here probably many more would be if they were able to let it in . Its working for me now that I accept this and make it an asset. Thanks again Kathy jo.
I can relate
I explored if i wanted to transition and i dont
That said i live dressing up
Initially it was sexy erotuc and it stillnis but now ibdo it to relax to feel good
To feel sexy
I like the male female mix
I like the way i look
Its hard to stop i no longer try
I accept me for me and embrace it
I dont do make up
I like the shoes nail polish toe rings
Femme sweaters and tunics and shirts
Well maybe light make up but to to transition
And of course the pretty undergarments
Theres a spectrum of us lets celebrate all of us
Stef
Hey Codille its Christine, I to have a similar story. At a young age going thru my mother's cloths I found her girdles & stockings, well I'm going to try them on. Wooo it felt really good, the girdle was very tight & when I put on the stockings on I exploded. From then on I was hooked. Fast forward with my first wife I would buy her panties & bras I would want to wear, sometimes it worked & sometimes not she wouldn't wear them. When she was at work I'd. Work midnight I would find something that fit me & put it on . I d look pretty good. Now on my second wife I love the male side of me but when Christine comes out I really get turned on. I now have some different wigs & I'm buying my own sexy cloths & my own panties & bras. Oh ya let's not forget shoes, nice pumps. When I put everything on man I can t believe it, Christine looks really hot & sexy woooow. My second wife does not know about Christine sometimes I wish I could tell her but for now I can't deal with the rejection if there would be. I don't know. What am I looking for well I don't know. For Christine I would love to go public & let go, drinks, dancing maybe an encounter with a man. Just have fun. The fantisey of going all the way, shaving my legs & chest all the way, right now I just groom real close. My wife ask me why my legs r cut so close I just tell her the older I get the more I hate hair. What a answer. Maybe I should come clean. Well for now I'm glad I found the site & could express my feelings to you all wonderfull ladies. Opinions are welcomed from ally wonderfull ladies, love u all. Christine
This is so similar to my story that it scares me. I started crossdressing at about 10 years old, by the time I was 13, I would sneak some bras a girdles from my mother and wear them. At16, I was very adept at finding bras that fit me best. For some10 years, I seldom dressed and for years afterward I only did so in private. My ex wife caught me one day and then that relationship was over, yippy! Fifteen years later, I got into crossdressing again, I had some bras drying on a clothes rack when my present wife came home. To my surprise, she accepted me for crossdressing, What a mind blower that was. Since then, I have been buying bras and nightgown until I learned how to run a sewing machine. Some of the stuff that is produced gets pretty bizarre, but is accepted. About 6 years back, I began developing breasts and am currently happy with myself.
I have been enjoying both sides of my persona for 40 years. All with the encouragement and support of my wife. I haven't thought about if I am two parts that have merged, I am just me and delight in my being capable of sharing with my wife.
There are pros and cons to informing children. Without knowing yours, I will stay out of that arena. I will say that they probably don't care, but again, not my call.
Enjoy life to the fullest and I am glad you are!
Just a terrific story. If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were writing my tale. It is just so wonderful to know there are others just like me, experiencing the same things and living the same lives. Big hugs to you, Codille.
Codille, thank you so very much for your story.You are an inspiration to us all.I am new to this site and really don't know how to express myself very well. Thank you so much for your friendship ,Caren
Codille, thank you for your insight.I too am happy with my two selves ! I feel that it is so helpful to combine your two halves into one person . I struggled for years over who i was then after my divorce and living on my own i let Pippi take over my feeling for a while . It helped me figure out how i wanted to live my life . I dont crossdress all the time but i do allow myself my femm time to keep my balance .
my name is Angela and I have been crossdressing now for 50 years ,I have always felt like I should have been a female I just recently started stepping out going into stores in women clothes and I feel good doing it a little scared and concerned about being called freak.
Codille, Very nice story told and impressive ! I have been dressing on and off for many years since was 13. Have been married twice and divorced twice not because of my cross dressing though. For the last Seven years I have been dressing mostly evenings
I have been out a few times mostly evenings also. I, do wear undergarment during my male mode during the day. I, find that only a few will accept my cross dressing so I only tell a few. Since I am a older CD and due to medical reasons I could not transition. Being in therapy for other reason plus my gender ??? I, have accepted my Cross Dressing and enjoy it! I, also enjoy company with other Sisters . My Biggest problem I have is my Body Size LOL that is I accept that I m overweight to some . I find
many in the same position. I, also enjoy the company of Men. This article and letter Impresses me also keep the good work up looking forward to more notes.
Thank You also for your Letter as it will encourage many of Us.
Hi--is there a place where a parent could go to get advice to help a teenager who came out as transgender just months ago? She is pushing strongly to begin hormone treatments but I just don't know what to make of it.
I have been reading posts throughout this forum and it's so heartening. I would do anything to smooth out the rough spots for my Kate, but I also suspect that there's only so much a mom can do or even should do. . .
Would any of you dear ladies have advice for me?
Most sincerely,
Kate's Mom . aka Carrie
Carrie-try contacting Denise -she has a lot of god information-as a matte of fact I'll pass on your user info to her. She is very nice and can help answer your questions! I am happy to talk with you about my own journey(PM me anytime!) but she is better for the medical questions!
Cyn
Hiya Carrie, I pushed a wrong button it seems while replying to this, so this is my second attempt.
Firstly, I have not raised a trans child, yet I know of several who have and are. I'm a transwoman myself, who at the tender age of 50 made my full transition, six years ago. A child who is trans is of course completely different than an adult who is trans....yet in many aspects the same. Much the same as a non-trans child and non-trans adult are different yet the same. There are just so many questions to ask you, if you'd like to reach me for an in-depth talk, let me know via a private message and I'll share my contact info with you.
Secondly, I'm a huge advocate for following proper medical treatment, of which HRT is a part. So is proper counseling/therapy and a good support system. Following the "Standards of Care" is vital in my opinion.
I don't know how much research you have done, but here's a few links that I hope you may find helpful:
http://www.wpath.org/
http://www.tsroadmap.com/reality/wpath-standards.html
We here at CDH don't allow members who are under the age of 18. We feel bad about that, as we would love to be able to help ~anyone~ that we could. But, unfortunately, society being as litigious as it is these days, we stay away from all things dealing with minors.
If you're the parent of the child this post is about-GOOD ON YOU for trying to be supportive and finding out as much as you can! So many others don't and it's a shame.
Drop me a line if you'd like my direct contact info, I'd be most happy to help you in any way that I can.
Denise
