I too have experienced the on again off again cycle in my dressing. When I was younger it seemed like it would happen right after the holidays. I used to take part of my vacation right before Christmas, and while my wife was at work and the kids were in school, I'd spend the day dressed up. Puttering around the house, reading, watching tv, drawing and painting, all as Vicki. I suppose after a week of scratching that itch as much as I could, and then the natural let down after Christmas and New Year, I seemed to just not want or need to dress up. When it happened the first time or two, I DID wonder if the desire had left me. And I'll admit it, it sort of bothered me that it might. I should add that my wife, while tolerant, was not really in favor of my dressing, and definitely not supportive. She had been at the beginning of our marriage, but cooled quickly. She is now my ex wife, for a number of reason, but if you were to ask us both, I'd guess we'd agree that my dressing was the elephant in the room that neither of us talked about. I know she enjoyed my "breaks", I think she believed that showed I could stop if I wanted to. For awhile I thought so too, and there was always in the early years that sense that I SHOULD stop.
Of course, come about mid February, and even despite my efforts to keep the “break” going, the old desire would start creeping back in and before you knew it, I would be dressing whenever I could find the time and opportunity. It was probably about this time as well that I began to realize that this was something that was probably not going to go away, just because I wanted it to, or because I wanted to do it for my wife. But I was also starting to do more research on it and was coming to the conclusion, in my reading and in e-mail exchanges with other girls, that this was more than an adopted “hobby” and was more about how I was created. There was still of course some guilt about it, and it was increasingly clear that my wife was actually less than tolerant, if not downright hostile. The ebb and flow of wanting to do it continued, but the timing varied and I noticed too that the downtime was shorter and even less intense. It was perhaps an acceptance on my part that this was just part of the rhythm and that if it didn’t return, than so be it.
Which brings me to this summer past, with just a little bit of background filler. My first marriage has ended, as of three years ago this coming March, I’ve met a woman that not only accepts me, but encourages and helps me in my dressing. I’ve joined a local CD club and as you know, Vanessa and I have met for a nice Saturday afternoon kaffeklatsch, and Vanessa has joined my girlfriend and I at church, as Vanessa, a number of times now. (YOU GO GIRL, I still have that threshold to cross, so to speak) So the bottom line is, I am free to express myself as often and pretty much however I please. Still, this past summer has been one of those periods where the desire has sort of fallen off. I think an unseasonably warm and dry summer in the northwest hasn’t helped, since I favor less revealing styles of clothing, (well except for the occasional mini skirt) and boots, oh how I love boots, so the weather didn’t exactly cooperate. But other times I’d have the opportunity and when my gf would ask if I was going to get dressed, I’d say no. In reality there were many times when I just didn’t feel like it. Of course then I began to wonder that after all the blessings I’ve received if God was going to pull a huge joke on me and the desire was just going to go away now. I don’t think that is the case, because the desire is still there. I have way too much invested at this point, in clothes and shoes, I’ve had my ears pierced, I tend to let my nails grow a little long, I’m debating whether to let my hair grow, pulling it back in an aging hippie pony tail while in guy mode. I’m gaining new friends and making strides in allowing myself to be more public with my feminine side. The result is often at the end of a Saturday or Sunday of being dressed and made up, I just want to kick my heels off and get out of the skirt and blouse and relax in a dumpy pair of sweats. I don’t know for sure that the ebb and flow is now just a natural part of being an in between person. I’m looking forward to the next few years unfolding in the life of Vicki.
I want to emphasize that I sympathize with those girls who still struggle in the closet, or with wives who do not understand, I even sympathize with the wives, for I imagine it is a difficult place to be when the man you married reveals he wants to dress like you. As my ex so aptly put it, it was bad enough he wanted to dress, but did he have to look better too? I know the statistics prove my fortune is rare, rare indeed, and I have a deep feeling that God has given me this opportunity to do something so that the girls hidden and lonely might be able to find courage to first be themselves, but help their spouse, SO, child, come to a place of acceptance and understanding that it is a natural desire. We’re just a little different than most, but very much like most folks in more ways than we are different. It’s funny that one of the things that now help me to snap out of that period of Crossdressing hibernation is to read of the struggles of others, and compare it to the gift I’ve been given. Or to read the story of the 16 year old in Georgia who has come to a place of conflict with their school over their desire to dress as a girl, and then to read that on line polls state that over 70 percent of those polled agree with the school and not with the 16 year old. So there is for me work to be done, and whether a brief break from dressing is occasionally in order, the pendulum always seems to swing back and I’m ready and anxious to explore my feminine self again and anew.
