Hello, Darkness, My...
 
Notifications
Clear all

Hello, Darkness, My Old Friend

22 Posts
2 Users
0 Thanks
76 Views
Posts: 1445
Admin
Topic starter
(@cdh)
Famed Member     Seattle, Washington, United States of America
Joined: 12 years ago
wpf-cross-image

It's been a while since I've felt the darkness clawing at my soul, since I've struggled against the suffocated night while clutching desperately to the last life in me that silently sets.

This morning I stared into an abyss I had long thought banished from my life as I contemplated ending it all. The crushing weight of who I must free crashed against the loved ones I must hurt. I felt the tear inside myself as pain battled against heartbreak, as my crystal clarity was engulfed in a swirling maelstrom of confusion.

It started innocently with my wife asking me to "be a boy" for a breakfast out we had planned this morning. Within moments clouds had rolled in over my countenance and I could feel a churning deep in my core. I felt sick, dizzy and could not imagine another moment pretending to be a man. In a panicked anxiety I saw all the many days ahead of me that I would need to fill with lies and deception. All the many months still to come that I must hide who I am, and for just a moment felt the only release would be in taking my own life.

The deepest darkness passed soon after, but the threatening thunder clouds still darken my day. I cannot live without hurting those I care about the most. Yet to keep them from harm would mean I could no longer exist. The only way forward is through the valley. I may lose all I have - my friends, my family, my livelihood and my possession, yet the alternative is to lose all I could ever have. To forfeit any hope and promise for the future. I hear Jesus' words echo within me, "What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self?" (Luke 9:25)

Goodbye, Darkness, My Old Friend,
You know that's not the way I'll end.

P.S. For those of you who are seriously contemplating suicide I strongly encourage you to read an article I wrote about transgender suicide, and to get professional help as soon as possible. Before you do anything, call the folks at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - their number is 1-800-273-8255.

I've stood many a time before the chasm with my eyes closed ready to jump. And just as often I've found joy and promise in my life at having stepped away. As I quoted a song when recalling Esprit 2010:

You don’t know how tall you stand until you fall,
That’s what valleys are for.

Reply
21 Replies
Posts: 101
Guest
(@Lynn Jones)
Estimable Member
Joined: 16 years ago

Hi,

Sorry to hear you had a brush with such unhappy feelings. I think there are times when it can hit you like a hammer. Everything seems to halt and all you can do is stare into the darkness, maybe try and ride it out. There are various triggers, but I think the fear that you'd have to put all tranny behaviour aside and limit yourself to one gender... well, I find that idea just wrong. Funny, years ago there were times when I'd wanted to give up. Now? The idea of never being all of me, is quite scary.

I hope things start to pick up for you soon.

Lynn
x

Reply
1 Reply
Admin
(@cdh)
Joined: 12 years ago

Famed Member     Seattle, Washington, United States of America
Posts: 1445

Thanks Lynn!
I'm quite excited to live in one gender, just not the one I'm in now 🙂 And the fear that I'll lose the chance to live my life is devastating!

The day has gotten better, and my lovely wife and I are off dancing this evening (first time out in a long time with Vanessa for her...)

Reply
Posts: 101
Guest
(@Lynn Jones)
Estimable Member
Joined: 16 years ago

Hang in there. 🙂

--- DAMN IT!!! I wrote an entire response. IntenseDebate didn't see fit to keep it when it demanded I login to their stupid service. --- Deep breath. Try again.

At the very strong risk of coming across as trite, or even blithe: no one ever promised life would be easy. I try to remember that tomorrow is another day, yesterday was easy and today has a few challenges.

I've looked at that abyss a few times, myself. It's an evil, diabolically evil, mirror. It will never help you, as it only helps itself. It amplifies those feelings of helplessness, it loves to to emphasize how distraught its viewer is. It will always try to bring its viewer down. (Not to anthropomorphize the damn thing! Of course. 🙂 ) Don't look into it.

For what it's worth, Luke answered the wrong question. You're not seeking the world. You might be seeking yourself, though. That's something that seems to be inordinately difficult for many transgendered individuals; the conflicts going on in the mind, in the id, can be monumental! I know it was extraordinarily difficult for myself; I almost walked into that abyss. (Not because I am transgendered; I had some other reasons. Not that the abyss cares!) Anthro-wotsit, again. 🙂 (It often helps me to do that. Gives me an almost-tangible enemy to fight.)

For myself, I put my wife before me. (I've been criticized for that decision; it's water off a duck's back. I don't care if my critics don't matter. Or can't see past their own prejudices.) Others decide differently. No one is right in such matters; no one is wrong.

Getting professional help is always a good idea when it comes to that abyss; or even for figuring out life. You don't need to see the Styx, just yet - we all see it in due time. It's just best to put that little trip off for as long as possible.

But first: hang in there. Today has a few challenges, that's all.

Reply
4 Replies
Admin
(@cdh)
Joined: 12 years ago

Famed Member     Seattle, Washington, United States of America
Posts: 1445

Arg, sorry Carolyn_Ann - I thought it had worked out all the kinks in the commenting system. Bleh!

It seems like that at times, a captivating and cunning being that catches you in it's snare. I'm glad you were also able to avoid that darkness love. Thanks for your words of encouragement.

It's even harder having discovered so much about who I am and have started on my path, to be waylaid, if only for a brief time...

But today has gotten better 🙂

Reply
Guest
(@Lynn Jones)
Joined: 16 years ago

Estimable Member
Posts: 101

Don't let the "_" put you off. It's Carolyn Ann. Or Carolyn. I tolerate CA - from some.

Glad you're feeling better.

Reply
Guest
(@Lynn Jones)
Joined: 16 years ago

Estimable Member
Posts: 101

Why would you not tolerate California? Granted, it's an expensive state to live in but still... ;-P

Reply
Guest
(@Lynn Jones)
Joined: 16 years ago

Estimable Member
Posts: 101

Oi, I know how that is when you write a beautiful comment and it gets nuked. So sad.

Reply
Posts: 101
Guest
(@Lynn Jones)
Estimable Member
Joined: 16 years ago

Vanessa,
I can't say I know how you feel completly. I have not faced that awfull abyss. But I have thought alot about my own journey and where it may lead me. It is a difficult process. But as Carylon_ann said you cant live in yesterday. Yesterday is not today which leads us to tomorrow. We have to think about today so we have a future. I had the pleasure of meeting a very insightful preacher. One thing he said is that we need to be encouragers. Finding your website as been a blessing to me. I have learned alot reading through all the different posts. And finding that I am not alone with my journey and confusions it entells. With that being said I think that you have been a great encourager to me and alot of other ladies on here. Keep your faith and your chin up. We never were promised that life would be easy. Yea I know some days are diffently easier than others. But with time all things life gets easier and better. hugs Michelle

Reply
Posts: 101
Guest
(@Lynn Jones)
Estimable Member
Joined: 16 years ago

Hey Vanessa,

Glad today has got better for you. I've been battling the the darkness recently as well - it had gone well for a couple of weeks and just when I thought I was past it came back with a bit of a vengence totally out of the blue.

Hang in there,
Stace

Reply
1 Reply
Admin
(@cdh)
Joined: 12 years ago

Famed Member     Seattle, Washington, United States of America
Posts: 1445

Sorry to hear Stace - hang in there hon!

Reply
Posts: 101
Guest
(@Lynn Jones)
Estimable Member
Joined: 16 years ago

Loosen up dear. Your wife is your closest and most intimate contact on earth. Imagine if it were the other way around. If you love here, you wouldnt hesitate for a moment ,ot even a split second to support her right now. There might come a day you regret not giving such a little gift as that. Ive until october until Carol is permanent. Anything, anything my spouse needs from me she gets. Her support is priceless. Remember your wife didnt marry a woman. The woman just kind of came along. Likely everything will be fine. I wish you all the best, Carol

Reply
Posts: 101
Guest
(@Lynn Jones)
Estimable Member
Joined: 16 years ago

Vanessa,
I read once, "The art of Zen is not to think about God while peeling the potatoes. The art of Zen is just to peel the potatoes."
What that says to me is, be in the moment. Don't dwell on the past, and don't fret about the future. Whenever I find myself staring into that abyss, seeing the long lonely future stretching out before me, with no hope of realizing my wants and needs, I tell myself, "just peel the potatoes."

There is an ancient Middle Eastern saying, that is in essence that same thing: "This too, shall pass." All of the major world philosophies incorporate this concept , or some variation of it. Fear of the future is part and parcel of the human condition. That (and, according to Steel Magnolias, the ability to accessorize) is what separates us from the lower life forms.

So, I say to you, Dear, just peel the potatoes.

Reply
1 Reply
Admin
(@cdh)
Joined: 12 years ago

Famed Member     Seattle, Washington, United States of America
Posts: 1445

Very wise, yet hard to do 🙂

Reply
Posts: 101
Guest
(@Lynn Jones)
Estimable Member
Joined: 16 years ago

I guess I'm lucky in that respect, I never had anyone to lose before.

Reply
Posts: 101
Guest
(@Lynn Jones)
Estimable Member
Joined: 16 years ago

If they love you they will accept you. If they do not love you then they will not. So losing those that do not accept you means you are losing nothing. Might be harsh but it is only my opinion so take it for what it is worth to you. Though I do hope it helps.

Stephenie 🙂

Reply
Posts: 101
Guest
(@Lynn Jones)
Estimable Member
Joined: 16 years ago

Venessa, I just read this and I know your time has passed of the anguish, and all you can see the abyss gaping wide. Before my wife of 28 years passed I was in the purge and toss mode, she would be at work , i would dress, before she came home, it would go to good will. Until I said one time, Stop, Stop it. So i started placing my "clothes in closets she never went into... Then one day as I stood there dressed I got a call. You wife has fallen and she was taken to the hospital with serious head injury (she was a sever diabetic and had very low blood sugar, her legs buckled and down she went, and so did my freedom of dressing. I quickly took my my heels, skirt , blouse and pulled on jeans, loafters, shirt and out the door. in the car I realized I didnt take off the bra or panties or stockings. I could feel them under neath, keeping my legs smooth, the bra felt secure. I got to the hospital and found her in a room. hooked up to all sorts of whirling and beeping gismos. She didnt care what I had on under my boy clothes just as long as I was there. My life changed that day as she was now in a wheel chair, they had to amptutate her left foot because of a bad infection. So I became selfless in assisting her.
then I rememberd, I could still survive in boy mode , her dr appts et all , I would just put on my panties, stockings, bra , pull on my pants , shirt and out the door we would go. she know knowing anything and me well , dont most women wear pants and shirts now anyway, So what I am saying is I found a part of the girl in me not having to sacrifice her for having to be the man of 28 yrs marriage she wanted me to be. But I still had my Robyn clothes, and found them more comforting as i became aware of them the night she passed. SO at times, compromise is a good start, whats under the outter clothes does not matter..
It was so nice meeting you at espirt. I look forward to next year.
Robyn

Reply
Posts: 101
Guest
(@Lynn Jones)
Estimable Member
Joined: 16 years ago

Hello,

I am still have the idea that there is no hope, for I haven't seen any help from anyone.

Reply
Posts: 101
Guest
(@Lynn Jones)
Estimable Member
Joined: 16 years ago

It sure seems to me from the various forums that I am on that many of us get frustrated often.We want the space to be who we want to be,yet there is the guilt conflict of others counting on us to be the person that they thought we were. Even for many that were out as TG prior to any relationship,everyone's partner takes the seriousness of our"mental condition" differently. Many partners are supportive but are hoping that it goes away like a passing hobby,eventually.They only see the "more useful man" in us. I feel for you. Hugs,Rogina

Reply
Posts: 101
Guest
(@Lynn Jones)
Estimable Member
Joined: 16 years ago

Hi Vanessa, I feel your pain as many of us do. It took me about 60 years to finally understand myself, thanks especially to Dr Cerise Richard's seminar in Fall of '09. I am now amazingly able to understand myself as transgender, to understand so much about the past that I did not understand, and accept myself and be comfortable in both gender presentations. As I wrote before, take baby steps, a day at a time, listen, learn, look for God's guidance when it's there and try not to get ahead of yourself. Love you, JamieGhee

Reply
Posts: 101
Guest
(@Lynn Jones)
Estimable Member
Joined: 16 years ago

Everyone has a lot of hurt, and as a woman, your supersensative. Realise this and save yourself a lot of grief. A lot of hurt is simply in your head. You can hurt yourself out of insecurity or niavety more than anyone can hurt with words. Thats part of life. Face it, its a tough world, but keep on track and no one will really hurt you, as your heart is strong as spring steel. Walk on among the people with pride, as you are you, and nobody else. Your their equal, and more. God bless you all. carol Ann

Reply
Posts: 101
Guest
(@Lynn Jones)
Estimable Member
Joined: 16 years ago

Vanessa....hi...Lady Veronica Graunwolf here. I have just read some of your stories.....very thought provoking and disturbing to me at the same time. I too walked thru the valley of death a few times more than many. Dying boys in my arms....sending some to the promised land..too busted up to live. Nights spent crying and shaking, looking at my pistol, tasting same yet thinking of the my boys who were still alive and dragging myself out to face them and the enemy another day and another day and another day! They called it "shell shock" but to-day they call it PTSD....call it what they will...it is just plain and simple.....my soul has died. Seen too much, did too much, cried too much. Oh there were some good times and continuing bad times. But...is not what life is all about. Sometimes short, sometimes long. Aw well, buck up soldier and carry on. I found a joy in cross dressing...I do not know why and don't think I ever will. But....I carry on until the time comes to leave this world.....pistol in hand, many regrets and a few joys. The final patrol with my friends Misters Smith and Wesson, in the wilds where I lived. But until then.........Lady Veronica of Graunwolf rides on....in style and content. I am "Mother" once more.

Reply
Subscribe To Our Newsletter

Subscribe To Our Newsletter

Join our mailing list to receive the latest news and updates from Crossdresser Heaven.

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Log in with your credentials

Forgot your details?