Been a while since I had a visit from Jillian. For some strange reason though last night, she decided to visit. Now I usually, for a quiet life have to wait until my OH goes away for a couple of days or whatnot. Today was different, I was at work and thinking of her ( as sometimes do) and thought after reading to all of the helpful and encouraging stories on this site - started wondering what it would be like to “get past the front door and into the world”. I have never given it much thought as being 6ft.2 thought I would stand out like a sore thumb and surmised that it would take a careful amount of planning and courage. Here’s to the spur of the moment - carpe diem !
My OH went to bed at 8pm and seeing as I had just had a "super shave” (all over body and face) thought it might be nice to be Jillian for the night but still did not plan to go outside. So after putting on my underwear, stockings and a nice chiffon dress, surprised myself of how quickly I did my makeup. so I was painted, dressed and ready for 8.40. I went downstairs and thought “ Right, I am going out and take advantage of my situation”. It was dark and dry so I decided to go for a walk to the supermarket which was around 1 and half miles away.
Stepped out into the front drive, handbag on shoulder fully dressed (wow) - nervously looked both ways and there was no one around. Now is the time! Started walking and paying close attention to my shadow as to perfect the feminine walk. The breeze up my skirt and every so often, the glisten of my stockings gave me a rush of euphoria that I have never had before. Carried on walking and gaining more confident on every step found that I was loving this feeling.
I walked the long way around through streets and on one of them I saw 3 young girls on the same side as me. Do I cross over? or be a brave girl?
Stayed on the same side and they passed close to me and I was surprised that their conversation between themselves never paused or did not hear the ubiquitous giggle that I was expecting. Carried on and passed a few people and even got a “evening love” from a male dog walker.
I am feeling in a Zen state of happiness - no worries of life or angst, just sweet Jillian looking after me and showing me that everything is alright after all.
Get to the supermarket, quite busy for a Thursday night but then remembering that Easter is around the corner so everyone panic buying (slight exaggeration but you know what I mean). No drama, made eye contact with many folk and not once did I see any of them do their own rendition of Edvard Munch’s Scream painting.
Smiled at a few and had the same reciprocated. The crowning moment was when I was stood near a middle aged couple and as I walked away, heard the lady say “ she was tall but I like her coat”.
Walking home was like a haze, I was in such a relaxed and happy state that I have never felt before. I was sorry to get home really and was not frightened at all and in hindsight, realised I take my presence on this planet far too seriously! - It has taken me 59 years to get myself out and so glad I did and feel accomplished and validated.
I have put some picture in my gallery of how happy I looked when I got home.
Will go out again soon and hope that I never tire of it but would never have done anything like this without all of your support - Thanks x
Love Jillian xx
