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Dipping their toes in the water?

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Posts: 298
Lady
Topic starter
(@rebeccabaxter)
Prominent Member     Cornwall, United Kingdom
Joined: 5 months ago

I haven't been here with you girls that long but during this short time I have come to notice a little trend in that some folk appear, post one short message of introduction and then are not heard of again.

I wonder, are they testing themselves, seeing who we are, what we are going to say to them, testing the waters of the cross-dressing lifestyle? I'd love to know what starts them coming here, only to disappear almost immediately. Perhaps I haven't been here long enough to see some of these people come back.

I started cross dressing and jumped in feet first to the forum. It was new to me and I wanted to know all there was to know (I'm not there yet, by a long way).

Did any of you come to this forum, full of trepidation and fear, only to withdraw after your first post and then come back to join in the wonderful world of cross-dressing  and CDH at a [much] later date, or could you not wait to introduce yourself to others like you?

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53 Replies
20 Replies
Lady
(@harriette)
Joined: 1 year ago

Famed Member     Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2242

@rebeccabaxter The last time that I checked, there were about 80,000 CDH members in total. Many of them are dormant. From the comments by so many who post here, many CDs are shy or cautious enough to only dress at home. My guess is that that would carry over to being quiet on the forum, too, after joining.

Years ago, I was an elevated member on a huge community with many sub-groups. I was also curious about activity rates. I don't remember the exact figures now, but in one month, there were just under 80,000 unique IDs active - they had at least looked at something in this one sub-group. Visually, there were maybe 200 active viewers, though, at most. They may have posted or done something to indicate that someone was active.

That is not a high participation rate for a pretty large and focused group. Now, part of the reason why they may not have posted, say, a common question, was because I had compiled a list of informative posts that readers could find on their own. They did not have to post anything because they could find what they wanted and never come back. That is the nature of open, free forums. Maybe CDH has a good enough search engine that members don't need to be vocal here, too. They are good being just a lurker.

I, too, wish that more quiet members would be more active here because many of the girls have been dressing for a very long time. The experience that they have and skills that they have acquired could help so many other members just like them.

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Baroness
(@alexina)
Joined: 4 months ago

Noble Member     Fife, United Kingdom
Posts: 454

@rebeccabaxter 

Hi, Becca, good post. 

I was initially worried that, by joining, my secret would be out for all to see so did not go so far as to join.

I could not have been more wrong. On my second visit, I spent a bit longer exploring the site and decided that it looked safe. I could not have been more right!

The rest is history 😊

Allie 

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(@valknut)
Joined: 4 years ago

Active Member     Norwich, Norfolk, United Kingdom
Posts: 5

@rebeccabaxter 

Trying to build up courage to do my next post. I have never participated in any social media sites basically keeping myself to myself. Barbara wants to phone a makeup service in Leicestershire but the male part of her stops her. I hope I will win I only need time.

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Ambassador
(@ellyd22)
Joined: 11 months ago

Illustrious Member     Norfolk, United Kingdom
Posts: 2920

@valknut 

Tracey at FemmeSide is WONDERFUL. 

GIve her a call, or send her an email. She's a huge ally of the CD/TG community, and if you've explored her site you'll know just how good she is.

I'm making the most of her services in late July 🙂

Ellie x

 

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(@valknut)
Joined: 4 years ago

Active Member     Norwich, Norfolk, United Kingdom
Posts: 5

@ellyd22 

Thank you Ellie. I will let you know how I progress with it as I will book it soon.

Regards

Barbara

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Lady
(@greenann)
Joined: 5 years ago

Trusted Member     Colorado, United States of America
Posts: 71

@ellyd22 Hi Ellie, we haven't connected in a while. I hope you're doing great! I'll be in York in June - a long way from Leicestershire. Is there a wonderful person like Tracey up there?

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Ambassador
(@ellyd22)
Joined: 11 months ago

Illustrious Member     Norfolk, United Kingdom
Posts: 2920

@greenann 

Hi Robin

I don't know of any crossdresser makeover services in York 🙁

The nearest I can find is Victoria Marley. She's one of the ladies who provides makeovers at the Leeds First Friday events, but she's actually based in Huddersfield.

She also teams up with a photographer called Nisha Keaton to offer a combined makeover and photoshoot, which takes place at Nisha's studio at Batley in West Yorkshire.

They're in the right county at least, but still a fair way from York!

Ellie x

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Lady
(@greenann)
Joined: 5 years ago

Trusted Member     Colorado, United States of America
Posts: 71

@ellyd22 

Hi Ellie

Thanks very much for writing back 🙂

I was hoping York might have worked, but no. A couple of months ago, someone here (it might've been you) told me about a place in London, I think it was called BWBG, but they didn't have personal experience with the place. I'm a little nervous about safety with getting a makeover in a big city where I'm not familiar with neighborhoods. On the other hand, being thousands of miles from home certainly reduces the odds of being seen by someone I know! As you can tell, 'dipping a toe in the water' really describes me LOL.

🙂

 

 

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Baroness
(@chrisfp99)
Joined: 1 year ago

Noble Member     London , Kent, United Kingdom
Posts: 586

Hey Robin, I went to BWBG last June and I have another makeover booked next month. It was my first experience of such a service so I have nothing to compare it with, but wow! I wrote in some detail in these forums about my day out. Here's a link:

https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/community/crossdresser-transgender-chat/in-for-a-penny-in-for-a-pound/

Hope this is some help. Needless to say I would recommend them wholeheartedly xx. 

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Lady
(@greenann)
Joined: 5 years ago

Trusted Member     Colorado, United States of America
Posts: 71

@chrisfp99 

Thank you, Chrissie! I'll take a read 🙂 

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(@christineth)
Joined: 2 years ago

Prominent Member     Brussels, Brabant, Belgium
Posts: 502

@ellyd22 OMG, I just checked out the website for FemmeSide - I lived in Leicester for a few years and I had no idea about this wonderful service!  What opportunities I missed!  I feel a bit deflated, but the new black cotton skirt and suede heels I’m wearing will soon pick me up!

Hugs

Christine

 

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(@lauren114)
Joined: 10 months ago

Prominent Member     Connecticut, United States of America
Posts: 649

@rebeccabaxter I was a lurker for a number of years but then came back to learn from others and share my own experiences.   This happened as my situation changed and my circumstances evolved,  and I became more comfortable with and compelled to express my femininity.

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Lady
(@lisa55)
Joined: 2 years ago

Honorable Member     Gloucester, Virginia, United States of America
Posts: 518

@rebeccabaxter I have now been a member for almost 2 years now. I had joined a few years earlier as the same name, spelled differently. It was again “tipping the toe”. At the time not much was going on, and my interest had waned. I dropped off and forgot about CDH. Then a few years ago I was searching for help, not photos, not chatting or sexting but real help that could answer my questions about myself. I found CDH once again. It had grown into what I now needed and maybe so had I.
I found CDH to be more informative and enjoyable. A sisterhood that is able to answer questions we all need to ask, but never really knew we could. A place where we can be confident in being ourselves. Sisters that are more than willing to help those that are going through the same situation that they themselves have been through.

Coming back to CDH was the best decision I have ever made.

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Lady
(@annaredhead)
Joined: 2 months ago

Reputable Member     Cornwall, United Kingdom
Posts: 174

@rebeccabaxter I went to sign up several times before I actually did

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Baroness Annual
(@fembecky)
Joined: 4 years ago

Honorable Member     Gloucestershire, United Kingdom
Posts: 249

@rebeccabaxter 

Hi Becca, thanks for raising the topic. I guess there are many reasons why there are so many (apparently) dormant members, but I suspect trying to figure it out would involve quite a bit of conjecture.

In my own case it was about 4 years ago that I first found CDH (I have no idea now how I found it) and created an account. But after that I did very little on it - maybe logged on once in a blue moon but didn't post anything. I think the reason was that my circumstances meant I was no longer able to crossdress for a few years, so my interest in CDH was at a low ebb. Then a bit over a year ago my crossdressing opportunities began to open up and, with it, my interest in CDH participation took off with a great surge. This experience may not, however, be typical 🤔 .

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Managing Ambassador
(@emilyalt)
Joined: 5 years ago

Famed Member     North County San Diego, California, United States of America
Posts: 2756

@rebeccabaxter

Posted by: @rebeccabaxter

Did any of you come to this forum, full of trepidation and fear, only to withdraw after your first post and then come back to join in the wonderful world of cross-dressing  and CDH at a [much] later date, or could you not wait to introduce yourself to others like you?

When I joined in 2019, I was DONE hiding.  I needed to meet other girls and discover what came next.  So I jumped in with both feet and haven't looked back.  CDH changed my life.

Staff is aware that many members rarely engage with the site.  We're looking at ways to improve participation.  

/EA

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Duchess
(@alison-anderson)
Joined: 6 years ago

Noble Member     Middlesex county, New Jersey, United States of America
Posts: 1463

@rebeccabaxter As many have mentioned, fear is one possibility. When I first joined another site, I lurked for about half a year, and then when I posted, I almost wanted someone to post afterwards so my name wasn't listed as the last post (and I didn't even use a real photo like I do here). By the time I came here, I was quite comfortable (although I never posted in the intro forum). I lurked for a bit until I understood what was going on, and then jumped in where I could contribute.

Another reason people could become inactive or quickly delete the account is that perhaps they were discovered (browser history or 'caught' by their SO) and quickly abandoned the site.

Still another reason was one that I came across two or three times one month. Someone joined the site, didn't fill out their profile, didn't make any post, didn't make an introduction, didn't thank anyone, and then made a friend request to me (and didn't PM me explaining why they were friending me). Technically they did nothing wrong on the site, and I did report the user a few times just to watch out for them (they were apparently targeting people in a certain area), but these were the few cases I rejected the friend request. It seemed to me that they were trolling rather than trying to legitimately use the site.

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(@rebeccabaxter)
Joined: 5 months ago

Prominent Member     Cornwall, United Kingdom
Posts: 298

@alison-anderson 

Yes, I've had several friend requests from people who are just collecting friends -- one post but 400 'friends'. I tend not to accept unless and until someone has made a number of contributions to the site as there can be info-gatherers out there even on an innocuous, politically neutral site like this one. I personally have nothing to hide and really don't care much if anyone finds out about my cross-dressing but I can imagine that some folk would find that to be rather a terrifying and unfortunate proposition.

 

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Lady
(@greenann)
Joined: 5 years ago

Trusted Member     Colorado, United States of America
Posts: 71

@rebeccabaxter

Hi Becca, I'm a lurker I suppose. No good reason other than I'm not a real social media person. It's a wonderful community and I value being an accepted part of it. Of course I'm also all about trepidation and fear - for sure! It'd be fun to be more "known" but I'm here for the long haul and I'm not a feet-first person; time will tell how I ultimately fit in - it's only been about three years so far 🙂

So as a lurker, I value your presence here and I'm paying attention, just in my introvert way.

Take care, Girl!

 

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Lady
(@sashabennett)
Joined: 5 months ago

Reputable Member     Wick, Caithness, United Kingdom
Posts: 197

@rebeccabaxter I had previously spent most of my time on Reddit & made quite a few comments & offered suggestions to posts & enquiries. Many of these comments ended up being rubbished & or generally abused so I had pretty much given up interacting with, what I thought was my community. Once I found CDH & realised what a friendly & welcoming community it was I wanted to add my little bit, for what it's worth. Perhaps others have had similar experiences, I can easily see why it would put people off interacting.

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Posts: 586
Baroness
(@chrisfp99)
Noble Member     London , Kent, United Kingdom
Joined: 1 year ago

Becca I think it's just human nature. In any club or organisation there are those who love to get involved and those who either stay in the shadows or decide it's not right for them. In forums I believe the word is lurkers. And that's ok. Members should be allowed to not contribute if they're not comfortable (or interested).

As for me I like to chip in from time to time but I'm on here more than I should be and love to hear what my sisters are up to. 

Hugs, Chrissie xx. 

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Posts: 32
Lady
(@steffief)
Trusted Member     Missouri, United States of America
Joined: 3 months ago

Becca,

I've seen the same trend in many clubs and organizations.
For me, I wasn't sure what to expect...and was a quite afraid...but after being on CDH a very short time I realized how wonderful it is.

Now like Chrissie...I pop in a lot more than I should but really enjoy the company and encouragment.

Hugs

Steffie

 

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Posts: 38
Lady
(@sallyj)
Estimable Member     California, United States of America
Joined: 3 months ago

Hi Becca. Interesting topic. 

Using Chrissie’s reference, I was a “lurker” on this and similar sites for quite a few years. It was a big step for me to join this — my only — site. First, I am by nature an introvert. Until now, I have never participated in any type of social media site. Second, joining to me was an affirmation and semi-public acknowledgement that I am a male who has strong feminine feelings. And third it was validation of my feminine persona as Sally. (What a rush it was to first use that name here.)

I’ve only been a member for a handful of weeks, and I don’t know how active I’ll be or whether I’ll fall by the wayside. But I’ve been so impressed by the supportive nature of this group and, equally importantly, by how interesting the questions and comments have been across a wide range of topics and by individuals across the broad spectrum of MTF gender. 

So thanks to all of you who post, frequently or infrequently. And for those who have joined recently, or who have been away for a while, please chime in with your thoughts whenever you can. I — for one — am eager to hear them.

Cheers, 

Sally

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1 Reply
Baroness
(@alexina)
Joined: 4 months ago

Noble Member     Fife, United Kingdom
Posts: 454

@sallyj 

Hi, Sally.

Until now, I have never participated in any type of social media site. Second, joining to me was an affirmation and semi-public acknowledgement that I am a male who has strong feminine feelings.

Likewise! I've never been one for joining in with others, I always preferred to observe the interactions and dynamics of groups. No (anti) social media either for the bracketed reason!

However, finding this place has changed my life for the better. All my adult life I've had to hide the "secret" and believed myself odd. Not any more. To be able to share and discuss all things crossdressing has lifted a weight from my shoulders.

I hope (know) that you find it as wonderful as I do.

Allie 

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Posts: 850
Duchess Annual
(@catgurl)
Noble Member     Marietta, Georgia, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

An excellent question and observation, Becca! 

It's similar to the way I've seen girls come to their first support meeting.  They will be so terrified that they cannot get out of their vehicles and hang on the steering wheel with white knuckles, meaning they get to the meeting location but then freeze.

Same here on CDH.  A girl signs up but then wants to just silently lurk or just lets her account go dormant, finding it difficult to believe she actually joined a community of CDs.

OTOH, some girls, as we know, are in the closet due to the career positions they hold and/or their spouse does not know they crossdress. 

I recently met one girl who keeps a very low profile due to the type of work she does. We met for lunch in male clothes, and she explained how knowledge of her being a CD would have a negative impact on her career.  For the same reason, she also has to keep a low profile on places like CDH. For this particular girl, reading CDH has been a huge support to her and a great educational source. 

 

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Posts: 56
 Lacy
Duchess
(@rholtman96)
Estimable Member     Lincoln city, Oregon, United States of America
Joined: 1 year ago

I don't post much, mainly because I've always hated to write.  But I check in everyday to see what everybody is up to and occasionally post a comment on one subject or another. I learn from all the wonderful gals that hang out here on CDH.

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Posts: 315
(@caroline2k)
Honorable Member     Tyne and Wear, United Kingdom
Joined: 1 year ago

I think it's quite understandable really, as if you are in the closet but wanting to 'put out feelers', you may join a CD-related website/ forum but still feel a little nervous about divulging too much information.

Perhaps they are just lacking the confidence to jump into conversations; maybe they consider themselves to have little to contribute or are a little overwhelmed when in the company of girls who are out-and-about or living full-time?

I know we are a very welcoming bunch on here, but there are some CD websites that are a little less so. In fact some can be quite intimidating to the uninitiated or nervous.

Another possibility (and I'm not accusing here!) is that they come here expecting some sort of pr0n or hook-up site. Maybe that's controversial, but I'm just saying 🙂

 

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13 Replies
Managing Ambassador
(@emilyalt)
Joined: 5 years ago

Famed Member     North County San Diego, California, United States of America
Posts: 2756

@caroline2k 

Posted by: @caroline2k

Another possibility (and I'm not accusing here!) is that they come here expecting some sort of pr0n or hook-up site. Maybe that's controversial, but I'm just saying

It's not controversial to recognize the obvious Caroline.  Staff sees them every day.  They never get far.

/EA

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Ambassador
(@ellyd22)
Joined: 11 months ago

Illustrious Member     Norfolk, United Kingdom
Posts: 2920

@emilyalt @caroline2k

I spent ages wondering what a 'prOn site' was, thinking it was some sort of insider vocabulary that I was too innocent to understand the meaning of.

Then I realised 🙂

Look, it's late, it's been a long term, and I'm not functioning as quickly as usual ...

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Managing Ambassador
(@emilyalt)
Joined: 5 years ago

Famed Member     North County San Diego, California, United States of America
Posts: 2756

@ellyd22 

We gotta get you out more GF!

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Ambassador
(@ellyd22)
Joined: 11 months ago

Illustrious Member     Norfolk, United Kingdom
Posts: 2920

@emilyalt 

We gotta get you out more GF!

I've been doing some gardening this morning. Does that count?

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Managing Ambassador
(@emilyalt)
Joined: 5 years ago

Famed Member     North County San Diego, California, United States of America
Posts: 2756

@ellyd22 

I've never met a plant that can talk....

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Ambassador
(@ellyd22)
Joined: 11 months ago

Illustrious Member     Norfolk, United Kingdom
Posts: 2920

@emilyalt 

Really?

Sometimes they can give you sage advice.

And many of them are fern to be around 🙂

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(@rebeccabaxter)
Joined: 5 months ago

Prominent Member     Cornwall, United Kingdom
Posts: 298

@ellyd22 

That's enough now, thyme out.

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Ambassador
(@ellyd22)
Joined: 11 months ago

Illustrious Member     Norfolk, United Kingdom
Posts: 2920

@rebeccabaxter 

Chive got a feeling this might kick off even more puns ...

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(@rebeccabaxter)
Joined: 5 months ago

Prominent Member     Cornwall, United Kingdom
Posts: 298

@ellyd22 

When I said thyme out, that's not what I mint to say.

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Ambassador
(@ellyd22)
Joined: 11 months ago

Illustrious Member     Norfolk, United Kingdom
Posts: 2920

@rebeccabaxter 

Okay ... I bay leaf you 🙂

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Managing Ambassador
(@emilyalt)
Joined: 5 years ago

Famed Member     North County San Diego, California, United States of America
Posts: 2756

@ellyd22 

Correction.

I've never met a living plant that can talk....

Select harvested plants are a different story.... 

Okay.  Maybe 'gardening' counts if you have the right plants.

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(@caroline2k)
Joined: 1 year ago

Honorable Member     Tyne and Wear, United Kingdom
Posts: 315

@ellyd22

The only reason I know the term is from 'Guitar pr0n' (honest guv!).

 

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(@caroline2k)
Joined: 1 year ago

Honorable Member     Tyne and Wear, United Kingdom
Posts: 315

@emilyalt That makes sense - explains why it is such a stress-free website 😀

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Posts: 2567
Hostess
(@ab123)
Famed Member     Surrey, United Kingdom
Joined: 4 years ago

I did the same Rebecca. I had looked at a few sites and this one struck me as quite open and honest. Everyone who posted got replies and you could see a lot of encouragement too. I signed up and sat in the background and then joined in.

As Steffie points out it is much the same with a lot of forums there are many signed up but maybe 20% that contribute but plenty that read.

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Posts: 209
Lady
(@denises924)
Reputable Member     Massachusetts, United States of America
Joined: 4 months ago

Hi Becca

I joined cautiously as well, but found I loved being at CDH immediately. I have not posted anything (yet), but really enjoy the forum and the topics and like to pitch-in as much as possible. So thanks to all the ladies, like you, who foster thoughtful and fun conversations.

😊

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Posts: 554
Baroness Annual
(@finallyfiona)
Noble Member     Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Joined: 5 months ago

With no prior CD forum experience, I joined a little tentatively, not sure what direction I was going in with my femininity or what sort of a site I was getting into.  But luckily this has been exactly the right place since, right from my intro post, I have felt safe to pour out my deepest feelings to you girls across the 'Net.  Sure it took a little time to find my feet and who was who, but I credit CDH and by extension, all of you lovely ladies with giving me the knowledge and encouragement to go places I could almost never have dreamed of just three short months ago.  Thank you all from the bottom of my heart!

Heart

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Posts: 459
Duchess Annual
(@blondsherri)
Honorable Member     Missoula, Montana, United States of America
Joined: 6 years ago

Becca, I am one of those who joined, was very active and for more reasons than I feel like getting into, I've stepped into the back round. I don't like the term "lurking" because all that makes me think of is a seedy old man in a trench coat, hanging outside a preschool, and I'm no wheres close to that. I read CDH every day and totally enjoy it but having the time to respond is not always there and sometimes there really isn't a reason to respond.

I truly love the care and support that is found here, that's one of the many reasons I check in on a daily basses. So know just because I don't say something, I'm still here and care greatly about all of you!

Sherri

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Posts: 88
Duchess
(@robyn1408)
Estimable Member     West Barnstable, Massachusetts, United States of America
Joined: 12 months ago

Becca, great post! Personally I participate on a regular basis with posts, replies, and polls. I find it all fascinating and helpful. But I totally agree with many of the reasons listed above. Everyone is at a different place on their personal journey and accepting who we are is for most of us the most difficult thing we have ever experienced in our lives. So many variables, so many aspects of our gender that we are naturally hyper cautious to go down too far the rabbit hole. I LOVE CDH. 

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Posts: 649
 Leah
Baroness
(@leah63)
Prominent Member     Minneapolis, Minnesota, United States of America
Joined: 6 years ago

Wow!  I did not realize we had 80K members!  just like any organization, most of the activity is done by 20% of the people or less.

I have found CDH to be very helpful to find there are so many others like myself that deal with the day to day struggles of our dressing up desires, how to meld them into our lives, family and SO.  As well as many thought provoking articles and perspectives and to read the many responses.  They all help validate who I am.

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4 Replies
Lady
(@harriette)
Joined: 1 year ago

Famed Member     Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2242

Posted by: @leah63

Wow!  I did not realize we had 80K members!  just like any organization, most of the activity is done by 20% of the people or less.

That number was from the old forum, Leah. In this forum, the most active members list shows 2029, including new members of today. I don't know how that number is calculated, but active is in the name, so it may be related to whomever was active since the switchover. It certainly seems more up-to-date.

 

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Managing Ambassador
(@emilyalt)
Joined: 5 years ago

Famed Member     North County San Diego, California, United States of America
Posts: 2756

@harriette  @leah63 

We currently have about 44K members.  I'd agree that ~5% are active.  Maybe another 15% contribute sporadically.  The remaining 80% are rarely or never seen.  

/EA

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Lady
(@harriette)
Joined: 1 year ago

Famed Member     Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2242

@emilyalt I didn't think that the ratio would have been so close to 20/80, but that is impressive, really encouraging!

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Managing Ambassador
(@emilyalt)
Joined: 5 years ago

Famed Member     North County San Diego, California, United States of America
Posts: 2756

@harriette 

TBH Harriette those are guesstimates based on what I can see from my (limited) vantage point.  I don't have access to the hard data needed to accurately report member activity.  My gut tells me 20% of our members engage with the site at least once per year.  'Engage' to me means they did something on the site.  A comment, photo upload, profile edit, thank a post or two, etc. 

The core group of girls we see almost daily is probably less than 2%.  That group of girls changes all the time.  I know girls that were super active and then took a break, and then jumped back in.  It's the nature of any support site. 

The true measure of our success is every girl we help to become more comfortable in her own skin.  Hopefully we can help them make a few connections too. 

Y'all are making that happen.  Keep coming back!

/EA

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Posts: 124
(@oliviac)
Reputable Member     Sydney, New South Wales, Australia
Joined: 9 months ago

It is a basic human trait that we do seek others similar to us. I knew I wasn't the only one who needs to be a female from time to time but I was gob smacked how many of us there were when I joined CDH. That fact alone helped remove the last of the little guilt and shame feelings I got from time to time. When I joined I was nervous and anxious about what I was joining and that is with my SO having known for 10 years I am gender fluid so I can't imagine the fear levels of someone totally in the closet who joins. I take my hat off to them for their bravery. Even if someone joins and logs in once and it makes them realise they aren't alone and reads some things that answer some of their questions about themselves, this site has done it's job. If they chose to login more than once they get to experience a part of the wonderful community that is CDH.

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Posts: 47
(@wend77)
Trusted Member     isle of wight, Isle of Wight, United Kingdom
Joined: 3 years ago

Your right Rebecca, over the years have introduced myself and if willing to talk then great. Sometimes never heard from again or may one message the that’s it, oh well. But suffice to say there are some brilliant friends here

Wendy

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