I dont know how I missed this post. You could have written this about me, minus the part about asking you to come out to everyone. It didnt even cross my mind to ever ask my SO to come out to anyone. It’s not my business when/if he ever wants to come out. What is my business though is escalation. And even though I have no interest in ever seeing him again dressed, I want to know what/how often he dresses so that I can be aware of escalations. It’s a purely self-protection mode.
She told you what was true for me too. You not actively trying to deceit her didn’t make you act in any way differently than if you were doing it purposely. And the result of course is the same. She is trapped. Whether you were trying to trap her or not is irrelevant. Think of it this way: if you are driving drunk and you hit someone, are you trying to purposely hit someone? Isn’t the result the same? To her, you were driving drunk. I am not touching on your reasons for why you didn’t tell her, they are your reasons. But the act of not telling her took away her choice to be with someone who crossdresses or not. You clearly are entwined now in ways that forbid her from saying “no, thank you, but I wish you good luck in your life”. Again, I am giving you the SO perspective only.
I suspect the reasons she asks to know when you are dressing are twofold: one, to see how deeply in you are according to frequency and two, to put the responsibility on you communicating to her about something you are doing. Which is something you didn’t do before and ruined her trust to you. I also suspect that you decided to purge just so you can avoid talking about it. And that will only bring you back to square one.
If you want to do something constructive, seek therapy to teach you how to communicate about it with her. Ultimately, it is something you brought into her life and not something she invited. You bet she’ll be uncomfortable. That doesn’t mean though that you shouldn’t look for ways to communicate with her. It is your responsibility to do so.