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I don’t want to be a woman but I would love the chance to appear as a woman. Sadly, nature has arranged things differently and I have to work with the cards I’ve been dealt. Even presenting as a male causes me a little self criticism (I’m not God’s gift) but that’s nothing to how I feel about my femme ambitions.
I know I shouldn’t indulge in regrets and what-ifs. “Why didn’t I start when I was younger?”, “Why isn’t there free major facial surgery for CDs?” etc. But here we are.
I wish I looked more androgynous, able to move between gender appearances at will. Fluidly as it were. The girl I feel like can never be the girl I look like. I’m a secret dresser but it still bothers me, It’s not as if I want an audience. Well, maybe here, but there are other reasons why I don’t post photos.
For a while I thought my dressing would evolve into a more unisex look, a bit of both, which would perhaps suit my looks better. Ooh no, I have a girly-girl side that won’t be silenced, bless her. She spends my money on the most feminine clothes and it makes me feel wonderful. Oh well, pass the doll’s mask…I want her to look her best tonight.
Lots of love, Amy x
Hang in there Amy
We all have those regrets no matter who we are. Many CD’s myself included suffer from Body Dysmorphic Disorder. We don’t see a true reflection in the mirror. I never bothered much at all trying make up because I thought I was so ugly it would be pointless.
I was never on a date until I was 32 and that only happened because the woman asked me out. I would never approach any woman because I thought even the ugliest girl on earth would be insulted that I would think so low of her to think she would want anything to do with me.
I was 35 when I played with make up seriously for the first time and I was not impressed with what I had created. I also had an inner girly girl and she liked very sexy fashions in satin and leather. Along with an ugly face I was also 6’6 tall and a former bodybuilder.
I took a risk and ran some personal ads with my awful photos and was shocked to discover people thought I was attractive as a girl. I went on to live out all my girly fantasies.
Have you done anything like go for a pro make over? Taking photos is important so you can look at them with a more objective eye and maybe have a trusted friend take a look and give an honest opinion.
I know I was nothing special to look at and actually feel like my mind altered my looks through sheer will power.
What have you tried as far as make up and wigs? You regret not starting younger but without knowing your approximate age there is no way to judge what can still be possible. CD’s tend to age slower in the face than females because of the exfoliation from shaving. I took the best photos of my life at age 46.
I would urge you to enjoy being a girl every chance you get while you can. I turned 62 today and with the foot problems I have now I will never wear women’s shoes again.
Barbie
Thank you so much for your reply, Barbie. A lot of what you say rings true for me. Like so many CDs on this site I finally took the plunge late in life, I’m 55 and dressing a lot younger as my femme self (who wants to be an old maid?). I’m a bit of a loner so finding a trusted friend is next to impossible for me, maybe as I progress I’ll be more open to finding a like-minded (alternative?) social circle.
I would definitely consider a pro makeover, there are some salons within easy reach here in the UK. I’ve never wore makeup but I want to and that would be a great start. I’ve got another wig on order and wear cheap forms, so part of me is making an effort but part of me is holding back. I think a lot of this is due to the isolation that most CDs feel. As for photos, my fear is exposure not criticism of my looks. I hope this will change as I become more Amy.
Thanks again, food for thought…
Amy x
You’re most welcome Amy
I also get the fear of exposure. I was in the closet for years also as a lingerie only CD and a binge and purger as well. I know you also remember the old magazines we would purchase before the internet was a big thing.
I would buy them and have fantasies about being the sexy girls featured on the covers. My favorites were the girls lucky enough to work as professional dominatrix’s in New York City. They worked in dungeons along side beautiful women. For me it was an unobtainable fantasy with no chance of ever happening in reality.
Then at 35 I took the plunge and tried make up and a wig for the first time in years and the difference being in make up and a wig made was profound. Even that first crude attempt made with cheap drug store brand make up gave me a spark of confidence. The spark turned into major wild fire.
A good make over might just make you see a sexy older woman in the mirror.
As far as exposure goes I get that as well. I was very sneaky leaving my rural driveway while dressed my first two years going out. Every time I would drive past a neighbor I would worry that they saw me. At 36 years and 7 months old avoiding exposure became a moot point.
I managed to make my fantasy into reality and I was hired as a T girl dominatrix at a Manhattan dungeon. That was in January of 97 and by July of 97 I was on several covers of the same magazines I once had fantasies about being the cover girl.
At that point my cover was blown. I sacrificed my male life to become Barbie. That is not something many girls can do. I had nothing to lose except a life of loneliness as a male. One of my great discoveries along the way was that in the right hands, make up is magic.
Barbie
I’m a bit younger (almost 40) and even I have definitely been having some of those same regrets lately.. “Why didn’t I take crossdressing seriously when I was a teenager or even my early 20s, when I had a smooth, skinny face and body?” Now when I dress and do my makeup in the mirror, it sometimes feels like I’m trying to give a Neanderthal a makeover (and I know I’m being hard on myself there).
I’ve been told before that to get over regrets and “what ifs” just keep focusing on setting new goals. Its never too late.
Still.. I’d kill just to see what I would have looked like fully dressed and made up at age 18, lol.. oh well.
Hi Amy,
I was there not that long ago. I finally gave up trying to make myself look like a Princess. Dresses and such just don’t fit me. I’m too tall and the proportions are not even close. So, I’m a tom girl now. I wear jeans and shorts or a skirt with cute T’s and tops. I dress this way every day now and am happier and more content. I don’t even take pictures anymore to compare. I just pass by a mirror and smile.
Wow Amy, striking! You have described me. In my 60’s now, regret at times, some more than others, and I really try for that unisex/androgynous look by wearing mostly femme clothes, except the shirts I wear, that purposely match my “ensemble”.
I really do present as a “male” in “female” clothing. It may be it would not be as much of a shock to people if I were just fully en femme, what a revelation! Never thought of things that way, till I read your post.
Sometimes my thought is “chameleon”, I have to (and do) adjust my appearance by my surroundings. Where I’m going to be, who I’m going to be with.
Really strikes a nerve.
Thank you for your post.
Rebecka!
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