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Today was a really hard day. I went to bed last night with a shocking headache and during the night I had a dream about coming out to my elderly mother.
Our family has a long history of a certain faith where anything other than hetrosexuality is seen as ‘the devil’, so coming out wouldn’t go down well.
So to cut a long story short, it worked out ok and it was really good.Trouble was when I woke up and went to the bathroom to shower I looked in the mirror and froze, then for the next 10 minutes I just cried uncontrollably. It was the worst feeling I’d had, even topping losing my dad which was amazingly sad, all I could see was a male and those shocking ‘male parts’. I hate them. I’ve never liked them or wanted them and don’t think I should have them.
I’ve never felt I was extremly manly and have believed for many years I should have been born with a vagina. I’ve felt as if I’ve been cheated in life by not being born in the body i should have and being able to enjoy doing what a normal girl did from childhood, schooling to adulthood and I’ve looked up counselling services and gender clinics and have rung them a few times but never had the courage to do anything but hang up once they answer. As I standing there crying one of the vivid thoughts was looking for something to get rid of the male parts. I didn’t have anything in the bathroom and I’m so glad i didn’t as not sure what I would have done, I’m hopeful I wouldn’t have done anything hurtful or silly.
Tonight I logged on to the chat room thinking I might be able to chat and stayed there for a few hours but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it (apologies to any girls in there tonight), so thought I’d just write it hear, not looking for response, just to unload.
I know the reaction I got to coming out was fake as it was a dream and in reality that wouldn’t happen but i’m just as confident the reaction in the bathroom was real and I’m confused as to whether I should be happy i know I’m in the wrong body or whether I should be upset that I thought about getting rid of the male parts like that.
Being able to just write has been good, I’m still confused but I’m not shaking now like I have been for hours.
Hopefully I’ll have a good sleep tonight and something will help me to know what journey this is as I’m not sure if I’m scared of being who I should be or scared of what being me (and being happy with myself) would do to those in my lifeZoe, you are not alone in so many of these feelings you are / have felt. My story may be different from yours but I can definitely say I have felt so much of what you have been feeling. You’re not alone darlin ❤️
I have felt like that many, many times. I have been dressing up since a young boy. Around age 8 or so. Aways hiding or finding excuses to stay behind others of my peers so i could be alone to wear my sisters dresses. The more i try on , the more i want to buy . as i have gotten older Id wear my girlfriends things and take walks in the evenings feeling incredibly sexy and attractive. One bad catch, I’m attracted to woman. So out and about id be getting hit on by all types of guys. They thought I was female until got up on me. That scared off a couple but most wanted in my skirt. I was a D teaser. I actually enjoyed having a nice guy feel me up. I take pleasure in arousing others. Being caught by my wife coming in at 4am dressed to kill was something else. She just had to tell everyone about my dirty little secrets. My father’s look he gave me…other than that my wife was jealous of my looking sexier than her. I have that written in court documents. Ha.. Maybe what I’m trying to say is playing dress up hasn’t lessond for me but if I could only find someone to play with on girls night whether female or male gives me a bit more sanity in daily life.
Hi Zoey! Thank you for baring your soul, I find it fascinating as how being born one sex and wanting to be another. I am still searching for a reason or cause for this phenomina, was this hard coded during our development in womb or was it some thing in our early life that imprinted the desire. Genetics holds the key, I think.
Yes, some dreams can be very terrifying. Sometimes I still dream of Nam and wake up strangling a lamp or attacking a wall/door screaming and sweating/heart rate pounding above the danger limit. No-body can say for certain why. All I can recommend is to do what you must do. Call and me anytime if you want to discuss this further or just chat. I do hope you find some girls where you are and can get together.
Love……….Lady Veronica
Zoe,
It is an incredibly difficult decision as to whether to move forward with transition or not, and most often is seems like being stuck between 2 options each with its own rewards and losses. This is a very personal decision for each of us. Talking to a gender therapist would be a very good thing and does not mean that you have to do anything, just talk and hopefully gain some insight and understanding about yourself, clarity about the options in front of you, and some peace of mind about the direction you choose.
Zoe,
I know exactly how you feel about chat and about the disconnect between body and soul. Several times I’ve thought about how to take car of the physical change myself. But it comes back to the fact that the outcome would not be what we truly want and need. I’ve been leaning on the knowledge that struggle in this journey will make the final outcome well worth it. I’ll be able to say with great satisfaction I made the right choice and overcame all the obstacles both internal and external. Hang in there hun and if you ever need to chat or PM about a struggle. I’m all ears and in the same boat with you.
I dress almost everyday whenever I am home. Every morning I wake up in my clothes and I feel happy but as soon I start changing into my male clothes, which I absolutely hate..in fact I have more women’s clothes than men’s; changing my clothes upsets me. It angers me : “Why can’t I just go out dressed how I like and be how I want ?”. But now I carry this whole community in my cell phone. Whenever, I feel like being my normal self, I read the posts, like some photos, encourage some people and it assures me, I am not alone.
For me this website is a way of keeping in touch with my feminine side when I am acting outside. I sincerely believe that if you keep searching you will find something/someone that/who will be like a safe zone for you where you can be you.
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