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Hello girls, I’m Alisha Alex (in the making). I’m 36 years old from Iraq living in the US. I chose this name because it’s similar to my given name and also there’s a transgender model that I really like goes with that name. For years I thought I was the only one. It really goes back when I was a little kid watching cartoon. Throughout cartoon history, characters have introduced children to cross-dressing characters. Going back to the Loony Tunes, I always seen Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, and other characters like Elmer and Taz crossdressing for various bits. Now it’s clearly intended for comedic purposes but I didn’t see it that way. I was curious to try and look “beautiful” and “delicate” because I thought that was more like my true character.
But of course, coming from a conservative anti-gay male-dominant society these ideas are severely condemned. My first experience was a simple as innocent as polishing my nails with a red nail polish. I was only 6 at that time. I really liked my finger nails new look. But when my mom saw that she went nuts and she reproached me for doing such thing with a loud tone as she was washing the nail polish off my finger nails with a nail polish removal and telling me that my father “would get upset if he saw his boy doing things that only girls can do. Boy will be only boys. Girls will only be girls“.
My father was a strict army man. Mother is a typical Arab conservative old school mom. I been always expected to be a brilliant well-mannered little son with excellent grades at school.
Years later when I started to hit puberty, I got confused about my sexuality. I mean to be honest I appreciate me being a male especially in such backward society. But I used to feel sometimes in private that there’s some hidden side of me wants to resurface. I started to grow a curiosity towards my mother’s undergarments and try them when nobody’s home. It felt ecstatic and very relaxing to feel the softness of this clothing on my skin. I even started to have some sexual tendencies towards men although in the same time I knew that I liked girls as well.
With the internet becoming widely available I was feeding my curiosity with websites and blogs that discussed more about crossdressing. I used to see pics of beautiful crossdressers and think to myself I should be one of them.
One day, all of my family went out of town to attend some family reunion. I stayed home because it was the exams season and I had to study. I was home alone feeling bored when I had this “kinky” idea to dress up as a woman and go on full femme mode. My hair was almost shoulders long. So I didn’t need to put on a wig. I just put some cute girly headband of my sister.As for my body, I shaved all my facial and body hair. Applied my sister’s skin moisturizer on my arms, legs private parts. Took a warm shower and then went to my parent’s bedroom. Put on my mom’s black sheer stocking, a purple bra and panty set, and her black and red satin robe. I put some make up which I used foundation, eyeshadow, eyeliner and mascara with a pinkish red lipstick.
I tried to put on some high heels but they didn’t fit my foot size so I decided to skip it. Although I really wanted to try and walk with them.
And then there was the big moment. I looked at myself at the mirror. And BAMMM I was astonished to see a woman. A real woman. I was impressed with my makeup and the dressing work. I really felt erotic, exquisite and sexy. And then another idea popped in my mind.Remember these Yahoo chat rooms?! Yes.. I decided that to go online and chat with some ppl (hence men). You know kind of “see and be seen” lol. I was shy at the beginning but with more ppl talking to me and viewing my webcam, my confidence got boosted. I really forgot that I used to be a male that evening. Ppl asked me about my name I answered with the first thing popped on my mind “Sabrina” from that TV show “Sabrina the teen witch”.After I began to dress up as a girl more regularly every time there was a chance. I throw several things to wear. Doesn’t have to be sexy. Sometimes just a camisole and a pair of pants.
But then my country was struggling with war and a violence, that I thought to myself it’s the best to purge in order not to hurt my family or made them disown or so.However, I didn’t stop having sexual tendencies for both men and women.I had a homosexual relationship with a divorced man who used to dress me up sometimes with lingerie he got for his ex. He used to tell me that it fit me better than his ex. Which made me happier and more accepting of me femme persona.But then got busy with work and been in relationship with girls that I totally forgot about “Sabrina”. And also I used to hook with men as a guy not as a woman.Years passed and I was able to move to the US. I met a girl and we got in a relationship together. but for the last year and a half I started to miss my female me. I was really deeply unhappy inside. Feeling stressed. Wasn’t something sexual. I could hook up with men and women in the same time. I always know there’s something missing. There’s a “Sabrina” missing. I saw my gf’s lipstick when she was not home. I put it on my lips and there was an instant feel of joy and satisfaction.Then I sat down and pondered I have that burning and irresistible urge to portray myself as female. Is it my social development where I was the only male in the house because of dad’s military service which put him away most of the time?
Is it my passive activities where I used to enjoy doing house chores like cleaning up and cooking? Or is it my average petite build? Is it my sexual attraction to men? Or is it a way of escaping the pressure from the tough cruel world of being a man; from being the hunter and provider? I tried to look for an answer and to look for ladies like me to discuss these issues with them. I tried to look for such place like CDH but I didn’t know where to look. I looked online. But you know Internet bombards you with porn search results. I tried to join closed and private groups on facebook. But even then, I didn’t find it comfortable enough to reveal my identity because they were full of sleazy men who didn’t care just to get their hands on you and satisfy their dirty needs.Once I found CDH and the type of privacy and security they provide here. I felt it is truly my heaven. I felt finally I’m home. Reading articles, posts, and my sisters’ comments really opened my eyes and made me feel I’m not alone in this world. There are people who I can share my deepest secrets with. Without being judged or condemned. At the contrary, I feel here I can get the moral and the emotional support that I really longed for. I feel that Sabrina is passing the torch now to Alisha to step in and make things right for herself.Thank you, sisters. Thank you CDH. I love you all.love,Alisha xxHi Alisha!
Welcome to CDH!
Thank you for writing such a detailed story. It really helps to get a sense of who someone is. We might all share the desire to dress as women but there are some very distinct differences in how many of us got to the point where we found this wonderful site.
Everyone here is very friendly so don’t be shy. Go to the chat room and say Hi if you want. Read, reply and post in the forums. Ask questions. Make friends.
Hugs
Autumn
Hi Alisha , wonderful introduction , huge cross section of girls here , hopefully you’ll be comfortable here 🌹🌹Tiff
Dear Alisha,
I want to thank you very much for yr really thoughtful and moving account of yr life. It has given me a big step towards feeling accepting of myself. Right now I daily battle with myself as Greta and a sense of hostility out there and even inside myself. Im staying inside but paradoxically I want to be seen. Not as a great beauty for I am not one but just as myself.
My development begins with childhood sexual abuse from three men and my mother which began in infancy and went on till I was 14. All my life I struggled to be a man, and even succeeded (I have a dear son of 21) but it was always a mess. Its only been quite recently with a traumatic encounter with some local thugs that Greta fully appeared and like you say it was instant happiness. But I still have this sense of intense hostility to myself as though everything I am and do is under a glare of scorn and hatred. But it is not or who cares! Like you I grew up in a hideously bigoted and patriarchal society in which one simply had to not exist. It was a racist British colony. My life as a fake went from one crisis to another. But Im now taking steps down my own path. I have had one gay sexual encounter when I was 20 which I have never forgotten and recently one meeting with a TV which was very powerful and liberating. But sex is too scary and confusing to think about and perhaps Im a bit old. I cant bear the CDTV porn online. Id like to be a little elegant not crass!
Anyway thats far too much of me! Thank you again so much and I hope we can be friends
Greta
Alisha happy you found us. Browse our site and start enjoying all that we are about. The ladies here are wonderful and love to talk and offer help and advice if needed and always here just to listen if one wishes. In time make lasting friendships and know we’re always here to share each other’s experiences in our love for dressing. Very nice meeting and love to chat anytime.
Stephanie 🌹
Hi, hello, and welcome to Crossdresser Heaven! You have just arrived at the best and greatest CD site on the web! CDH has tons of very helpful crossdressing information, tips, and support from real people just like you! We highly encourage new CDH members to ask questions no matter how trivial you think they may be, as we are happy to answer to the best of our ability. We also love a well written profile, this helps everyone to get to know you better as the beautiful woman you are! We hope that you enjoy your stay here at CDH, as we are happy to have you as a part of our wonderful community.
Thank you, Samantha Roarke
Hello and welcome Alisha! Glad to have you here. Thanks for the introduction. We all have stories and I love to read about the journey others have taken. The most important thing you learn here, and very quickly I might add, is that you a not alone. Tons of great information available from some amazing ladies who love to help. Have fun!
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