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My partner of 20 years just came out to me as a cross dresser yesterday! He said he has only just tried it for the first time while I was out of town a few weeks ago but apparently plans to continue as he enjoyed it and said it helped him to relax. I have always been a “live and let live” person but this is really testing me. I’m freaked out! I’ve asked all the questions I think I need to ask. I feel angry, betrayed and confused which is normal in this circumstance. However I want to be supportive and I want him to be who he is.
He told me Saturday night after we’d had a great date night at a local drag queen club. I was up all night trying to process. All day yesterday I could barely manage to speak to him. I thought about putting him out but I love him. I have loved him for 20 years. He is my partner, my best friend, my dive buddy, my ski buddy, my travel companion and life partner. I cannot throw away our life together so now I have to figure out how to cope.
I have told him for now I don’t want to see it but he is welcome to do so. I worry about him going out in public but not for fear that he will be seen but that someone might hurt him. The world we live in is not so tolerant.
Do any of you have spouses that participate, go out with you when dressed?
Very confused. Any advise is appreciated. TYIA.
Starr,
I can only imagine what you are experience. I disclose my feelings and preference for women’s clothing with my wife after we had been married for 9 years. It has been three years and we are still learning how this dynamic works in our relationship. Be patient and be honest. Share your feelings with your partner and listen to his feelings.
I would also recommend connecting with Kayla or Eleanor who are two of our ambassadors at CDH and genetic women. They have experienced and are experience what you are facing. We also have a private group on the site for wives and significant others to be able to share your experiences. Again, Kayla and Eleanor can help you with this.
MacKenzie Alexandra
Starr,
Links to contact Kayla and Eleanor can be found on the Meet the Ambassadors page. I have provided the link to that page below. Kayla is listed under the leadership and Eleanor is listed under greetings.
https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/ambassadors/
MacKenzie Alexandra
As my wife says, it’s just clothes. Your SO is not the first or the last to try women’s clothes and enjoy them. Most important is what is involved around it. Does he want to wear them all the time, go out dancing vs just being in the house, wants to live en femme, etc. You obviously have a very loving relationship that has lasted for twenty years. While he may have just started dressing, he has not radically changed, just dresses differently. My advice is just to talk and hug a lot. Most of us are nervous as hell to come out to our partner and the fact he did shows a level of love and trust few couples have.
No he doesn’t want to wear them all of the time and he doesn’t know if he wants to go out in public or not. He says that this is always something that he’s wanted to try but was afraid to do so.
On the one hand, I am very proud of him and touched that he chose to tell me so soon after his first time. On the other hand, well….I just don’t know how to feel or to respond. I feel like my heart is breaking but this really isn’t about me. I want to be there for him but really am feeling crushed.
It’s nice to find a place that I can talk about it. This issue is so insanely private that I have nobody else (besides him) that I can talk to.
Thank you for your kind responses.
S:
Your reactions are quite common and it is understandable. It is not how you envisioned things, and from how it sounds, your partner didn’t either. Meanwhile, here it is.
As it is very early in this journey, developing an understanding of the situation is important. While people know that they have a desire to dress, no one knows why. That makes asking “Why?” a bit pointless and frustrating. Whenever this topic it discussed, it is important for both of you to talk in ways that can be heard. Our choice of words, our tone, our body language, etc. can betray what we are saying and the other person stops listening. Just be as honest and as straightforward as you can be.
Good Luck and Be Well.
Starr Welcome, As for Kayla and or Eleanor they will know and get in touch. This is certainly the place you’ll find many of the answers you are seeking. For you it would be extremely difficult. I saw the shock from my wife as for us we were married for many years and only a short while ago that I opened up to her . The biggest concern was the mistrust I caused. Seeing her and the hurt that it caused was hard. We had many talks and through this agreements and guidelines were set and together were slowly working it out. But Cdh and it’s resources helped my wife and myself understand more about our individual troubles. I learned more about myself and she with help from a wonderful group as been mentioned from others here just exclusive for my wife and you dear where many GG gals could receive the help and support to get the answers your wanted to know. This group – private ( wives and significant others ) . For you special ladies where Cders are not allowed. Meet with them and get the support you need. Look into other forms written by others who talk about their experiences, their questions they may ask with many offering help and advice so everyone can understand better on so many confusing topic . Many face this troubling ordeal but be assured you have support and help from everyone here . Relax, get comfortable and enjoy being part of this wonderful community that really does care for all that passes through our doors. The best to you both as you venture through these new paths together . Very happy meeting you and welcome.
Stephanie 🌹
There’s 33,000 or so of us on this site alone – and these are the brave ones who have admitted it to themselves.
It takes a huge amount of inner strength to do that, and come to terms with something that, I think, confuses most men who finally realise that this is how we roll, and there’s no willpower in existence that can stop the inner femme.
Many of us have wives. Many wives are happy to live and let live with other men, just not their husbands.
It’s a real challenge to come to terms with, for everyone around the cross dresser, although if you think about it, there’s no logical reason why it should be so difficult!
The main thing running through everyone’s head is “What will people think?”.
And logically, if they’re that bothered about someone’s appearance over the amazing human being they are, isn’t that rather shallow?
Who needs shallow people?
I want people who care and love me the way I am.
In that, I am no different to anyone else on the planet.
What ordinary people usually seem to think of me when I go out is that I’m either a bit odd, and leave it there, or they think I’m amazing.
For what?
Dressing how I choose?
Nothing amazing about that really.
When you see a lovely dress, what do you think?
How nice it would look and feel on you?
We cross dressers are no different.
I read an interesting study of cross-dressing in England in Elizabethan times.
It extended well beyond the stage for men, and into the army and other professions for women, and led to the high heels, stockings, lace and wigs of Gorgeous George.
The church was dead against it, quite literally, because of the passage (the only passage), in Deuteronomy that forbids cross dressing in order to get access to the inner circles of the opposite sex. The same passage recommends killing non believers, hence the Spanish Inquisition.
History lesson over, the basis for not accepting cross dressing is rooted in nothing but prejudice.
It shouldn’t be hard to accept – gender dysphoria is now being taught in enlightened schools, and some even allow pupils to choose trousers or skirts, boys or girls.
It’s really not a weird thing at all, especially to today’s kids.
Yet for the older generations, it seems a mammoth hurdle – a shameful secret.
And yet so many do it.
Hiding away, accepting a secretive, stressful, rejected life as normal, causing untold mental health problems and suicidal tendencies.
It’s not easy being this glamorous!
I hope that this has given you food for thought, and that you enjoy new, exciting adventures with your extended soul mate.
Love Laura
Laura, thank you for your response. I have no intention of “live and let live” without him. That is not an option. But I am upset and am trying to figure out how to deal with that. This is new to both of us.
You’re at the right site to discover answers and help you on your journey of understanding.
I hope that the upset passes quickly for you – probably best discussed in the Wives and SOs sections.
We might be a little biased here… hugs.
Love Laura
Starr;
There’s some good answers here, and I’ll just add a bit of my own. I’ve dresed for a long time, and my wife knew about it, but it was literally only once or twice a year, then for some reason, unknown to me, about a year ago the draw to wear women’s clothes became much stronger than ever before. So, I started buying more clothes, then joined this site last winter, and though I don’t understand this need any more than before, I’m able to be more at peace with myself, my somewhat dual selves. Though I really don’t feel that way, my femme side is simply a facet of my male side.
I have also been married for about 35 years, and have had a strong loving relationahip, but it was a difficult conversation, when I told how much I wanted to dress up, and more completely than ever before.
Though someone here, I got to meet some other CD’s, and their wives, then in the summer we were invited to someone’s house for a Garden Party, and she decided to come along with me and meet the others. That all went well, and she has been out with me to a few other events, including a dinner in public restaurant.
The thing is, I’m still me, and I’m as much in love with her than ever before. I think she was worried that she was losing me, and perhaps I was being drawn to gay, but that isn’t the case. Most of us love women, and have hetro relationships, its’ just that we don’t alway dress the way society says men should. Though we all here share this passion, drive, need, however you wish to phrase it, we are still all a bit different. As you’ve likely learned, for some reason this isn’t something that we can just cast off, because its’ awkward and inconvient, somehow it goes to the deepest part of our being, and certainly gives me an amazing sense of peace afterwards. For those folks who are not at peace with their femme selves, it can leave one with a sense of shame, and disgust with themselves. So, even if we can’t understand this, we can try to accept ourselves, and then enjoy this diversity which lives inside ourselves.
Part of the draw are the clothes themselves, the colours, styles, diversity of fabrics.
We now often shop together for clothes for me, and for her, and the same women’s wear stores.
Take care!
Amy
Hello, am sorry to to hear that you feel the hurt & betrayed. I told my wife of over 30 years, she felt the same way as you, but I’ve been going through this for 53 years. I didn’t know what I was going through, it damaged our marriage, to the point of us not sleeping in the same bed. But my intentions were not to hurt her, it was a blow to us all. I hope & pray that you can forgive him one day. With love Jennifer
Hello, you may wanna talk to my wife, as we do a lot of stuff together in CD mode.
Chelsea Roarke, is her name. She may be able to help you. Welcome all the same.
Thanks, Samantha Roarke
Thank you for being open to learn. My wife of now 30 years learned 28 years ago I liked to crossdress. She still does not like it but has learned it will not go away. I have only gone out to a local support group and that just a few times, never with her. Certain words carry semantic baggage that can vary from person to person, so I try to choose actions than words to help people understand. I consider male CDers men who like femininity. This may be clothes, but that varies – some like panties, others like large breasts, some pregnancy, some lingerie. Some are okay with wearing undergarments under their male clothes and others want to look as realistic as possible. If your spouse just started, I doubt they are transexual and want to be a woman, or to have sex with a man. He is still the person you love. If you want a metaphor, we are a coin – and you just got to see the other side. You do not specify what “freaked you out” or “crushed” – most are fears about what this means to the relationship. Most CDers are heterosexual and the percent homosexual is lower than the general population. This can bring a relationship even closer, when you are willing to let your spouse feel accepted for what they may have hid for a very long time. If you participate, you also gain some control. If you did his toenails and let it stay on for 1-2 days, that might be something acceptable to both. The majority of CDers stay hidden and those who venture out in public have usually had years to gain confidence. Your partner will be reluctant to share this and remain feeling shameful, but you can bring great joy by being open minded to work out compromises. My wife thinks our adult kids known, but none have made any mention to me, despite my wife moving all of Ellen’s clothes and wigs into our bedroom (at one point she said to remind her how much she hates this). It is a struggle, but trust in love, not fears.
Hugs, Ellen
Hello everyone. I thought I would give you all an update. Last night we sat down and had an honest conversation about things. I come from a broken home, abuse etc. I have my scars, flaws and my defenses but this man chose to love me despite those things. He has always been kind, loving, supportive. He loves to shop with me and help me pick out clothes (now I know why) . I told him that I love him and would support him however he needs me to. He showed me his “dressed” photos and I have to say I found him to be very pretty. I think he does makeup better than I do. Is that weird to say? We’ve set some guidelines and have discussed a public outing. Anyway, thank you for reading my post. I can only hope for the best and trust that I/we have made the right choice. I’ve invited him to join this group as well.
I wanted to thank every one of you that responded. Your stories and experience helped me a great deal.
Thank you again for supporting a total stranger in her time of need.
We here will gladly welcome you both to our amazing group Starr. The sisters here are top drawer and will listen to your concerns and try to answer any questions you may have. I believe collectively we have most of the answers and some great advice. Your journey should be full of fun and excitement…..that is all of us want from life. Good luck and happy days to you and yours. Gigi
Starr, it looks like you have had some really helpful responses from the wonderful folks here. I really don’t have anything to add other than to say how wonderful I think it is that you are taking the time to learn about this side of your partner. I wish more folks were as open minded as you!
If you have concerns about your partner dressing in public you may want to check out crossdresstravel.com, This is a group that organize cruses for crossdressers and their SOs. being a cruse it is a safe, controlled environment. and because there is a bunch of other CDs on the cruse your partner will not be the only one dressed (if he chooses to dress). crossdress travel also do a pod cast where they interview influential people from the CD community, as well as promoting their cruses. well worth checking out.
I hope that discovering this new aspect of your partner will bring you closer.
Best wishes,
DeLora.
HI Star
Thankyou for coming here, My wife found a few things of mine about 7 years ago, I thought it was all over, we spoke for hours and hours after that, the biggest thing for here was why I didn’t tell here before, I was scared I would lose the women of my dreams my BFF the only one to whom I love, I went the see a therapist to work on what needed and to give me the tools to talk to my wife. we have been together now for over 21 years have three children and she is OK with my dressing, as she now said to me they are only cloths.the biggest key I found was communication on both sides, and let down the ground rules.
and most off all have fun we only have one go in life and make the most of it as we nether know when our time is up
good luck and if you want to talk you can always PM me
xx Paula
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Thanks for sharing your story. Each post helps me to understand a little better. We have had a few more talks this week, because of your post I realized that I had only been focusing on my own feelings and hadn’t considered what this was like for him. Since we’re both still so new to this there is a lot to work through for both of us.Last night we decided on his femme (sp?) name and have made a date for me to see him dressed and to just spend the evening at home and see how it feels for both of us. Fingers crossed.
Darling, the intolerant world is becoming a thing of the past.
It was a shock to me when I finally realised what I am back in the 1970s, when it was a harsh world indeed for any who dared to be different.
Now it’s being taught in enlightened schools. People don’t fit in traditional boxes – they never have, and the internal pain suffered by millions cannot be underestimated.
Now, in these more tolerant times, it’s still a shock to discover that those near us have hidden this kind of secret – but, as times are changing and the internet reveals the extent to which people are on a kind of rainbow spectrum rather than black and white, there’s a lot of information out there – but I would say most of the best information about cross dressing can be found right here.
It’ll take time, but this resource is rich, and will really help you on your journey.
Love Laura
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