Well I’ve been caught and it’s not good

[Paula]

Hey ladies.

I’ve been crossdressing off and on since an early age. I put on my first dress when I was 10 or 11 or maybe even 12 but I don’t remember the age but all I know is that I was young and still in elementary school.

it was more underdressing (as we call it) I did early in life and throughout my marriage. Fast forward I got divorced after 17 years and Paula was free to come out. I purchased female clothing and shoes and purses and learned makeup etc….

I didn’t hide my clothing or makeup at all. My girlfriend at the time said you’re gonna get caught from your daughters. I just shrugged it off though. I mixed my clothes in with my guy clothes and everything was fine right?  My wig was as put away and my makeup was in a locked up kit. Nothing was out at all.

One daughter went to college and one I have every other weekend till she is 18. Well that stopped several months ago when she decided to stop coming over. The reason according to her mom was my daughter had snooped around and found some female clothes. She also saw me on a male for male app (I’m bisexual) and for a year she kept this to herself. Like I said I didn’t try to hide anything. It wasn’t out there in her face or a laying around for her to see.

So for several months she hasn’t spoken to me at all. She won’t go out to eat with me at all (not unless someone is there).  For her high school graduation I was there but she wouldn’t acknowledge me at all. My oldest probably knows but is distant as well. I’m not losing sleep over this and it is a bit depressing but I know it’s a crappy situation. I know I should have don’t thing better in the past but why dwell on what I should have done, it’s too late now.

Total of 24 users thanked author for this post. Here are last 20 listed.

Jenn Curious, Leah, Jill Quinn, Rhonda Lee, Stephanie Flowers, Stephie Terrill, Lynda Jones, Raquel Smith, Autumn Valiant, AnnaBeth Black, Maive O'Neal, Lynne Summer, Liara Wolfe, Stephaniewy, Jill Edina, Rachael Kane, Kathleen, Kim Dahlenbergen, Cassie Jayson, Stephenie Derick

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[Kris Burton]

I can certainly relate and sympathize with your situation Paula – on several levels. First, I am in a similar situation with my two adult sons. Although I have a very good relationship with both, neither know of my crossdressing. At present, they really don’t need to know as neither has lived with us for a number of years. They do however come over, unannounced from time to time and if they stay over they stay in the room where I keep my femme attire and accoutrements. They also use the computer here, and it would be so easy to find my pics – which are many – or find my CDH connections.

The question looms – Even if your children are adults is it better to get ahead of the curve and come out before they find out by accident or you are caught? You never really know, until it is upon you. On one hand as adults I do not pry into their private life, and would be totally accepting if I were to find that their sexual identity veered from the traditional.  If i think about it tho I might also feel badly that they had not felt comfortable enough with me to share this important information. Would they feel the same if they were to stumble across my information? I’ve no answer to that. At present my approach has been to address it when the need arises, but I’m not going to know until it comes up if it was right.

For you, it would seem a good heart- to-heart discussion with your daughter  is in order. It would appear she is laboring under some misinformation about crossdressing and perhaps your orientation, and there is a lot of that out there from many source. You will find out exactly what the problem is if you do and can address from an adult perspective rather than father to child. That may prove helpful. A therapist may help in this endeavor if the problem has become severe enough.

I hope you can reach out to each other again, and find the love that I’m sue is in both of your hearts.

 

• This reply was modified 3 months ago by Kris Burton.

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AnnaBeth Black, Leah, Jill Quinn, Stephaniewy, Paula, Suzanne Martin

[Harriette]

“They also use the computer here, and it would be so easy to find my pics – which are many – or find my CDH connections.” Paula

There are a few things that you can do about this. Some may add some complexity, cost, or take more time to deal with it day-to-day. You will have to be the judge of that.

One relatively easy thing to do is to add an external hard drive or a NAS box somewhere on your home network where it can’t be easily seen or found, to store files or pictures away from the main computer. Doing so also adds some reliability, too, if something goes wrong with your computer, but you could password access to it, to stop snooping.

You could also set up more user profiles for your CD access and/or guest users. This helps to protect your browser history. You may have to spend some time organising this, so that it isn’t inconvenient for anyone.

I am sure others could add more ideas. Depends on how far you want to protect your privacy.

P.S. Don’t forget to protect and record all of your passwords, too.

3 users thanked author for this post.

Paula, Leah, Vecca Senn

[Paula]

Thank you very much!

[Danielle Warner]

I haven’t shared my crossdressing with any of my four adult children. I think my daughter would have the hardest time accepting this. I think my sons would be OK with it but I don’t know for sure =, and that is one genie that can’t go back into the bottle once I release it. So for now, just my wife, and a sister in a different state, and some adult friends here, know about my femme alter ego.

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AnnaBeth Black, Leah, Stephaniewy, Paula, Suzanne Martin, Kris Burton

[AnnaBeth Black]

Oh Paula,  I’m so sorry for your situation, My biggest fear in the world right now is that my daughter might find out about me and hate me for what I do.

At my stage in life I can’t afford to lose my job or my daughter. The rest of the world doesn’t matter to me.
I can’t imagine what you’re going through, I hope you can work things out with your daughters.

AnnaBeth

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Leah, Marlene Roberts, Suzanne Martin, Kris Burton, Paula, Maive O'Neal, Harriette

[Liara Wolfe]

Wish I could give you a hug.

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Paula

[Paula]

🤗🤗🤗

1 user thanked author for this post.

Liara Wolfe

[Kim Dahlenbergen]

That is very unfortunate. About all you can do is keep making yourself available to your daughters. The time may come when they begin to see you as a human, and perhaps as they face challenges and choices in their own lives, will begin to understand that you are human too.

4 users thanked author for this post.

Maive O'Neal, Stephaniewy, Paula, Rachael Kane

[Paula]

Thank you!

[J J]

Most people fear, or even hate, what they don’t know, and most people know almost nothing about dressing en femme. Even worse, they are often fed mis-information, often intentionally by others, especially vindictive ex-spouses.  The way to fight ignorance is with knowledge which means you need to have a sit down heart to heart talk with your daughters. They may not accept your lifestyle or gender issues, if there are any, but at least they will have accurate information to base their opinions.

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Becky Davis, Kris Burton, Maive O'Neal, Stephaniewy, Paula

[Paula]

Thank you

[Wanda Ovahear]

My time is gonna come…

 

 

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Kris Burton, Paula

[Rhonda Lee]

I agree with the comments made. In my situation my wife insinuated to the kids that I was engaged in perverted and dangerous activities. As she threatened to out me to them I arranged to visit with them and their spouses one on one. They were actually relieved when I explained the situation, since they were expecting worse. My situation was easier than yours because one daughter is a psychologist and very accepting and understanding of behavior others might consider abnormal. My son was a concern because he has strong fundamental Christian beliefs, but he immediately recognized it is not sinful. Another daughter is a hippie out of time so anything I do would not approach what she has seen or done. In the end, I found my fears overblown, as they were able to accept the truth without judgment; one of the spouses even complimented me for being so bold. Still, not all were fully accepting. My son’s spouse has encouraged  her family to avoid me and my now ex-wife has gathered a following that ostracizes me. Still, I believe that any effort to communicate one-on-one is well advised. I volunteered to answer any questions they might have and was fully prepared to guide them to literature on the subject, but I did not volunteer anything they did not ASK to see. They were content not to ask much of anything after the initial reveal. My 3 daughters have engaged with me when fully dressed and we have had some fun times. I have even presented crossdressing topics to my daughter’s college classes. The bottom line, I think, is that few can overcome prejudice and negative fallout, but being open and honest and available is the best you can do to show that you are proactive, and willing to address any concerns at any time and want to retain relationship. If/when anyone is willing to listen, you are willing to share. There is no need to apologize for who you are and things that you cannot choose. Those who love you will accept and not condition their love on who you are. Unfortunately, not all will choose to seek truth, understand or accept. You can only do your part and hope they will do theirs.

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Leah, Becky Davis, Lynda Jones, Kris Burton, Paula

[Cassie Jayson]

So sorry for your family troubles. I don’t know how much your X knows and understands. I know my X thinks because I like to CD that I want all the surgeries and ‘go all the way’. She seems to have shared her ideas with our kids and I hear negative things from them. Truthfully I am close to fully ‘socially transitioning’, no HRT or surgeries. My daughters know, I even went to the local town parade with my oldest daughter and her 2 girls. Everyone was fine. Now my son knowsbut does not want to see or talk about it.

. Cassie

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Leah, Paula

[Paula]

My ex had an idea I was bisexual but the crossdressing came later when my daughter found my stuff. It wasn’t oops I found something, she went snooping as we all did at that age or younger.

im sure my ex has shared her negative ideas to them as well and she probably thinks I wanna go all the way. That’s a different subject for another time.

Thanks for replying.

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Leah, Cassie Jayson

[Cassie Jayson]

Paula, best of luck to you. All you can do is try your best to be a caring loving parent. Try to let her know that part of you will never change, maybe somehow the 2 of you can get into some counceling.?.?
. Cassie

[Rhonda Lee]

I wholeheartedly agree a counselor might help, but it HAS to be a counselor who understands transgender issues. Counseling proved to be the final nail on my coffin because the counselors my wife relied on were well-meaning but clueless. They felt I could change. So did I actually, until I realized that was not really possible. I think most of us, not just those who know us, believe that change is possible… after all, can’t we CHOOSE the clothes we want to wear and the partners we want to be romantically and/or sexually engaged with? As hard as it is to believe that is possible, I believe we are hard-wired before birth in ways that make that impossible. Maybe we can go through the motions, but that can deny who we really are deep down. So for many of us we face the dilemma of whether to deny our authentic selves in order to meet the needs and expectations of others. We can deny who we truly are to a degree and for a period of time, but living in denial on a long-term basis is wearing and difficult. If counselors would help others understand the true nature of what this is all about and the fact that it is neither abnormal or dangerous, need not be threatening to relationship, and denying one’s right or ability to be authentic is damaging, unity and acceptance would be far easier to achieve. Unfortunately, few counselors and few PEOPLE know the truth and are able to understand well enough to help folks realize this is not about CHANGING who we or others are but about ACCEPTING and loving them for who they are. That is difficult, and perhaps impossible in some situations, but in most situations I think it is really not that hard. For many, a light bulb goes off when they see that the other person is not acting out of choice but out of being who they truly are, and that being who they really are is seldom threatening or dangerous. Don’t most of us wish our loved ones would be authentic, tell the truth, and act according to their beliefs and inclinations? Do we want to deny that right, for ANYONE, let alone those we love most?Wouldn’t we rather be with people who mean what they say and act accordingly, rather than mask themselves so as to deceive, in an effort to fool us into believing they are being authentic so as to conform to what we want, even if it is not true?

 

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Leah, Cassie Jayson, Harriette

[Harriette]

I feel for you, Paula. These will be tough times. Having a trusted parent to your children sabotage your relationship with your daughters makes me think that now would be a good time for family therapy.

 

Time may heel some wounds, but not necessarily all of them.

[Julie Day]

I would sit down and talk to your daughters about your gender identity. Tell them that there is information about this issue and it is not abnormal. I struggle with this issue with my daughter and wife. They are not accepting but they have not abandoned me either. I hope to someday have their understanding and support. My duel gender is who I am, and expressing my feminine side is so very important to me. I hope your situation improves over time. I would let them know you will always be their for them and love them very much.

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Leah, Kris Burton, Harriette, Paula

[Jill Lacey]

Sounds like it’s time for a group sit down chat with your girls and come out to them with a story starting from childhood.

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Kris Burton, Paula

[Katie Delvatine]

Paula,

I feel for you. Whilst I am not exactly in the same situation, I can understand your daughters feelings.

In today’s world, there seems to be an assumption that every young person is completely accepting of other genders. In reality, that’s not always the case. Everyone is different and can be influenced by others and their points of view and thinking.

I can only echo what others have said. Just be patient – it may take time, but she may come around and start to see a different perspective.

Katie

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Leah, Michelle Trott, Paula, Michelle Brown

[Paula]

I agree with what you said that “there seems to be an assumption that every young person is accepting of other genders”. This is one of those cases that what I’m doing isn’t acceptable. I’ve said this before that people are accepting of one’s lifestyle but as long as it’s not one of their own family members, and that seems to be the case.

thanks Katie

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Stephenie Derick, Michelle Trott

[Madeline Bradford]

Patience, yes. Just make sure to keep making an effort to be there for them. Give them the option and try not to be hurt if they don’t accept. My bet is they will come around, eventually.

4 users thanked author for this post.

Kris Burton, Paula, Michelle Brown, Marlene Roberts

[Robyn Drake]

Hi Paula,

I know it must hurt to have your daughter pull away from you like that. The one plus side is that you dont have to hide from her anymore. My hope is that eventually you two can have a heart to heart talk. PLease be patient with her.

– Robyn

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Leah, Michelle Trott, Michelle Brown, Paula

[Paula]

Yes patience is the key and thank you

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Stephenie Derick, Michelle Trott, Michelle Brown

[Author]

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